I lay down and feel the rush,
The speed of nerves running through my body,
As my sound turns to a hush.
I don't speak. I just feel,
I lay there and wonder,
If I'll ever heal.
It speeds up when the phone rings,
When the light shines through the blinds,
Or when the bird at my window sings.
The world is waiting on me but I cant move,
I always seem to fail,
Any time I try to improve.
Stuck in my head being tortured by my own mind,
No one can see me,
The world is blind.
I fight to get up I fight to keep going,
But the feelings get worse,
And my movements are slowing.
So I close my eyes and try to escape it,
In all reality,
I just need to face it.

Everybody can talk but no one can listen,
Misunderstanding is what put us in this position,
And fighting lead us to this condition.
Take a step back and look at what we are doing,
Think about what we are pursuing..
Is it going to be worth what it draws out,
I have reasons to believe my doubt.
The world is cursed and so are we,
Danger, the TV blinds us from trying to see.
Newest generation is out of control,
And the oldest have lost their soul.
Body counts and crime is getting higher,
With hate and evil being the main supplier.
The days are colder and the nights bring a chill,
So much has happened it doesn't feel real.
It's not safe to leave your house even for kids to get education,
It's not safe to be at home for fear of home invasion.
This world is in need of healing,
It's getting worse and I can't shake this feeling,
Sometimes I wonder how I am even dealing.
Candlelights and grief,
I'm just in disbelief.
I can't believe this is what we've come to,
Praying for peace for what we go through.
Our loved ones being our drive,
For just trying to survive.

****. I can't believe I made it,
my peace every night I prayed for it.
Yeah I was in love I thought I found the one,
Until the day came where I was completely done.
When the love stopped and the hate just begun.
Man I begged for the light I cried for my sanity,
I looked for the confidence I no longer had within me.
Blood drippin on the floor,
just hoping I could make it to the door,
Scars left inside that I just can't ignore.
They expect you to get over it fast,
but on god they don't know my past,
I really thought we was supposed to last.
They say when they show you who they are believe them the first time,
But I would shake it off and say I'm fine.
I'm not okay I'm not alright,
I never won cause I didn't wanna fight.
Most times I gave up just so you can be right.
****..
What happened to me??
Where accepting abuse was okay to me?
Where being myself was no longer allowed for me?
**** who am I supposed to be?
How did I get to a spot where I lost all reality?
****..
It's like it came to you almost naturally.
How could I be so blind,
How was it so easy for you to loose your mind,
.. ****..
I guess your love was never really mine.
I played the fool to your messed up game,
Never again will I fall in love the same.

Why is it when you speak, I listen to what is said,
But when I speak my truth, I get left on read.
All these games, they starting to **** with my head.
What happens to our love, if it never gets fed?
I don't wanna think about mornings without you,
I don't wanna think about nights without you,
Honestly, really, I don't wanna think thoughts about you.
Yet I do every single day it's you, I crave,
My friends saying it's okay to leave, be brave.
It's not so easy, ugh it's not so easy to walk away,
Without ever getting the chance, to speak what I need to say.
So listen you hurt me. You hurt me so deep,
What we used to have, I thought was ours to keep.
We don't connect any more, we don't agree,
Right or left? One, two, or three?
Maybe something more simple, like you and me?
One foot in and one foot out,
Seems to be what your all about.
I need communication,
I need contentment,
****, I just need some **** commitment.
We're not in highschool, we are not children,
If your not all in, then what are we buildin?
Throw the games away, take away the rules,
Grow with me, stop listening to these fools.
Why do we have the same **** fight every **** day?
I've reached my limit, at this point I need a reason to stay.

No I can't deal with this today,
No matter what I say,
What's the problem? Make it go away.
Everybody wants a yes person a yes man.
I used to think I could bless them in my plan,
The plan to make everything and everyone okay.
Even if it left me crying in bathrooms at night,
Just sitting there contemplating my ability to fight,
No I'm not okay, I'm not ******* alright.
I need a day without everything weighting me down,
I need a moment for self care, I need everyone to stop being around.
I don't mean to be rude I'm just trying to breathe.
All my dreams I've spent a lifetime learning to grieve.
I'm 29 years old and what is there to show for it?
I have nothing. I don't have a driver's license, I don't even own a car,
My hopes to becoming someone I'm proud of seems, so **** far.
I don't have my own place, I don't even own a **** bed!
Last thing I need, is some **** space in my own head!
I worry about you I worry about them but I never get to worry,.. about ME...?
I worry about that job, I worry about THE job,
I worry about it all.
But when I'm down, depressed, broken and drained.
Who worries about me?
Does anyone worry about me?
Maybe it's my state of mind and I'm too blind to see.
Sleep don't come easily and mornings come too soon
I fail I fail, no glory here, from where from whom?
A past that proves it defines me every chance I get to be free from it's embrace,
Every time I'm close to happy it stops me in my tracks and laughs in my face.
No job can trust, old wounds family bust.
I am changed, I am changing. To the world I'm still that girl in her 20s throwing her life away.
Maybe I am, look at the life I do have now
Do you see anyone that's willing to stay?
Look at my life now, do you see a happy person?
Cause in my reflection I see pain that's worsened.
Look at my life now, do you see any decent employers taking a chance on me?
At any place that doesn't have meals starting 15 dollars and the kids eating free?
Look at my life now, do you see a girl becoming who she truly wants to be?
Nah I don't recognize this girl in the mirror I see.
Nah this girl... couldn't be me...?
Look at my life and tell me what you see
Yeah maybe I am this girl,
and maybe it will always be me.

Hiding is what I've learned to do,
I'm smiling covering up,
Everything I'm hiding from you.
I'm wearing a mask to cover my sadness,
Behind my make up, behind my smiles,
Is nothing but pure madness.
People think I'm very smart,
But what they don't is,
Everything I'm hiding in the dark.
With this mask I make them see,
Who I'm not,
But who I want to be.
Silent cry's they will never hear,
Broken sorrow,
Left with fear.
With this mask they will never know,
All my pain,
All my feelings,
I will never show.
I walk around with an empty chest,
Talking to people,
Who think they know best.
With this mask my disappearance will be unknown,
Because of all the feelings,
I've left unshown.

The way I feel I can't express,
the light inside and it's brokenness.
I took a chance and made a choice,
burned my life and lost my voice.
Walked through fire covered my face, wondering how I even got to this place.
Noone notices the pain that I was dealt,
noone notices the way I felt.
Broken promises as I fade away,
not sure of what I can say,
To make you understand what I feel every day.
My heart screams help but my mind can't take it,
honestly I can't even fake it.

While everyone else takes a few steps I have to take a mile,
I'm just not myself and I haven't been in a while.
Sometimes I need a friend to be there,
Sometimes I need someone to really care.
When I get the courage to open up about how I feel inside I get left on read,
It may not be how you meant it but its like it doesn't even matter what I just said.
I'm really crying out for help but no one is hearing me,
This feeling I have daily is starting to put the fear in me.
I need someone to care enough to want to know why,
Why I'm always alone and why I always cry.
At the same time I don't want to bring anyone down to my negative state,
Honestly I don't know what's wrong with me or how to deal with everything on my plate.
I don't know how to ask for help cause I always handled things on my own,
All the right ways everyone else learned I was never shown.
I don't want to be the sad part of someone's day,
Because you are so happy I don't want to get in the way.
I don't know how long I can keep pretending to be okay.
I'm loosing my joy of doing things I used to love to do,
Like seeing my best friends or the dreams I wanted to pursue.
I feel like a bad friend I feel left out,
My voice is silent but inside I'm ready to shout.
I wanna be me I wanna be there.
Like I was before I became this empty shell of who I was not too long ago,
It's like the love I have for my friends and family it's hard to show.
It's like it's easier for me not to even go.
I don't even know how to explain myself and I don't wanna loose anyone,
I feel like people are giving up on me and I don't wanna be done.
My love hasn't changed for anyone except my love for me,
I'm trying so hard to ignore it that it's making itself louder to see.
I can't hide it any more I pray I don't stay this way,
I can't make any one understand by anything that I say.
All they can see is that I am not there,
Trust me it doesn't mean that I do not care.
I do more than anything I just can't show it,
Something inside isn't right and I know it.
This isn't me I'm not this girl who is absent with her friends,
I don't want to be the reason our friendship ends.
Who wants to be with someone who can't even enjoy their company,
Who wants to be around someone who makes them feel uncomfortably.
Most of the time I don't want people to be around me because I am miserable,
I don't like making people feel sad for me because what I feel is visible.
So I stay to myself praying someone makes me feel okay to not be okay,
Sometimes I pray for someone to help me open up with what I need to say.
Honestly I shut it off for so long I don't even know what that is any more,
I am just so confused on what to do and my presence has became a revolving door.
Please don't give up on me I need y'all the most right now, I really am trying,
I just need time to find the problem I'm having such a hard time identifying.
I go back and forth with wanting someone to listen,
Sometimes it's easier not having to talk about what's missin.
It's clear that I don't know what I need, space or a friend,
It's like I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I know I'm not there as much as I should be,
Please just give me time and pray for me.

I wonder if the person inside is still there,
I wonder if they still care.
Does she still love..?
Does she still speak to the man above...?
Is she just as alone ? Or has her heart turned to stone?  

Questions.
Their confusing, answers change.  Questions.
Mostly amusing, mostly strange.

They take your mental to hell.
I wonder what will break the spell..?
Love, was it real? Was It fake?
Im not sure how much of this I can take.
Are you safe? Are you okay?
Do you struggle through the night to  last another day?  
Each night, where is it that you lay your head?
Each night, Is someone else besides me, holding you instead?
Do you cry for me? Do you still feel the love from when we used to "be"?
No longer are we a "We". That is killing me, can't anyone see?

Questions.
Nothings Changed my answers are still the same..
Do you agree or was I just a piece of the game?

I ask the man above,
That one day he'll bring me back your love.
I'm tired of all these questions with no answers to 'em.
**** I miss you, I'm back to old surroundings, I ain't accustomed to 'em.
Waking up not to feel your arms wrapped around me..
Going to bed without hearing your voice speaking you love me.
If the situation was different, would we still be together, going strong?
Will our love continue to grow and move along?
Or did it end just the same? With the sad love song..?
I dunno where to go I dunno who to trust.
Your the only one I want and without you I feel my heart about to bust.
I need to hear your voice as I did before.
I need to feel your touch, that still to this day, I adore.
I love you and I dont take that lightly.
I wont speak the words loosely  and letting go is highly unlikely.
Im loosing my mind...
I refuse to believe your love wasnt mine.
One day you will feel it.
One day you will see it,
One day you will know that we can still be it.
We can still be us you just have to come back.
I'll provide you the things you now lack.
I would bring you the world just to put the smile on your face.
Since you been gone I promise noone has taken your place.
Noone has been in your space.
I'm writing you a poem with the question in my head,
Wondering if your alive or dead..?

My mind, my enemy, feel my worry, feel me...

Im standing on a ledge,
Nothin blocking the edge.
My emotions run so deep,
all I want is sleep.
Sick stomach, head pounding.
I feel myself drifting, I need some grounding.
Will you come back?
I wish I knew where you was at..
Questions with no answers its still mind-blowing.
After its said and done, My love, I'm still not tired of showing.
Come back to me.. I promise you will see..
I am still the person you wanted me to be.
Do you feel me?

Every day I'm fighting a battle within,
I'll try to explain but I don't know where to begin.
Mentally struggling with my mind and thoughts,
My heart races and my stomach stays in knots.
Everyone thinks I should just try more,
But I try every day just to pick myself up off the floor.
They don't understand me, it's hard to explain,
My every day struggle of just trying to feel sane.
Motivation has vanished from my spirit,
My cry for help, no one seems to hear it.
Emotional scars blind to the naked eye,
The only one who can see it is me, myself and I.
How can you explain what you can't see?
When it's all too real, deep inside of me.
I feel trapped inside a hell storm,
Unable to get back to the societies norm.
Explaining the battle within myself is almost ineffectual,
I might as well leave it to your intellectual.
Hoping that you understand to the fullest,
The pain that hits my spirit like raining bullets.

I don't know how I got here
Back in this head space
I tried to avoid it so many times
Yet I'm right back at the same place.
I don't want to fail
I don't want to break
I don't want to do something I'll regret
I don't want to make a mistake.
My days are slow
They are painful
I don't know how much time I have
I don't know how to be thankful.
Peaceful sleep never comes any more
Smiles don't brighten my eyes
I feel hopeless and stuck in the lows
Searching for the highs.
No I don't mean drugs
I mean the moments when I breathe
When I'm not stuck
Full of sadness that begins to seethe.
Bright stars I do not gaze
Friends I do not call
Never in my life
Have I ever felt so small.
I can't fix the problems I own
All the best parts of me
I've seemed to outgrown.
I don't want to gain
I don't want to loose
For all I can do is be still
In life I won't have to choose.
I'm not okay
I'm not alright
I am tired
I don't want to fight.
"Get up!" I scream inside
But I can not move an inch
As if I'm stuck in a nightmare
In need of a pinch.
This is not real
I have to move
Nothing's going to change
Nothing's going to improve.
All the space of life
The pain begins to take up
I can't stay this way
I have to wake up.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep,
Over all the promises I made I couldn't keep. Pain rushes through down to my feet,
I dunno if I can keep up with the heat.
Head hung low,
time moves slow,
searching for the answers that I didnt know. Battling the demons inside my head, replaying the things I wish I never said.
One decision away from making the biggest mistake,
trusting the people that turned out to be fake. My life's a battle that gets harder to face, living with dreams that get harder to chase. One chance one shot,
Is all that we got.
I just want to be me rather than something I'm not.
Will it matter in the end?
Cause I'm really tired of having to pretend.