I saw the world in bright colors,
A brilliant yellow and orange hue,
A hint of pink and a splash of red,
A sky blue full of hopes and dreams,
And bright green, the color of life

My laughing was the colour yellow,
My lips were the orange hue,
My smiles were pink with a splash of red,
My happiness was the color blue as it shone in my eyes,
And green was the color of my soul.

But my friends, they took advantage of my colors..
They stole them to paint their own canvas
They scraped the hues,
They took what color I had left
And kept it all to themselves.

Instead of helping me, they tore me down
Using my radiance as a tool for their success,
Killing me from the inside,
My colors running dry,
My smiles becoming less and less each day.

Now I don't know who I am anymore,
My colors are all in disarray,
They've tainted my mind with this colorless feeling,
A feeling of being dead inside,
Slowly decaying and falling into the void of non-existence.

I'm colorless... a heart of black and white,
My eyes a gray of darkest shade,
Colorless, Colorless...
My soul is now an ugly black,
The lines of life blurring to gray each day.

You stare in horror at the monster I've become..
Why don't you like your own creation?
I offered you my kindness, you twisted it and shifted,
This is who I am now,
Don't you like your own masterpiece you created?

My mind is going crazy, but is it really my fault?
Thoughts racing through my head,
I'm colorless now, a canvas of black and white,
Maybe I can try to find some color and save myself...
The color red now drips down my arms...
Colorless, Colorless... black and white splattered with blood...

I have a heavy heart.
and there are days it's so hard to hold on to
that I want to just jump into a river of regret
and let it weigh me down to very bottom
so I can find peace again.
I wondered why you push away?
Why my ups and downs make you feel
like your world is being shaken upside down.
I guess, I'm just hard for other people to deal with-
it's funny because imagine actually being me.
I have a hard time dealing with myself-
dealing with the other side of me
that begs to be seen in mirrors and photos
and inside the hearts of others.
Why can't I find a good manic depression spoken word poem?
I ask myself as I search the youtube tags
and all the button poetry videos coming up with
only "The Future" to satisfy my thirst for validation.
I have a heavy heart-
some days you feel it's too hard to carry
and I begin to wonder if i can see a future with you-
but I can't even seem to see a future for myself
because I don't think I actually want one.
I don't want to die-
it's actually, I want to live
but I feel like I'm dying everyday
because my emotions take a noose
and tie it around my brain
and make a mockery of my self control-
I become a puppet to these emotions
and no matter how hard I try to pull away-
make something of myself and take over these emotions
they just push me down-
making a mockery of my heavy heart
and my control withers.
I sit alone in my room crying until 5am again-
convincing myself not to touch the razor
trying to convince myself not to take those pills
trying to reach out to someone, anyone to make it all feel okay again
but I come up empty.
So I called a hotline-
6am secrets syruping over my cellphone
into the receiver
into a complete stranger...
I had wondered when I lost everyone-
I had wondered where I lost myself.
See I sent out a search party for my self-control a long time ago-
but all they could find were empty pill bottles
and empty alcohol bottles lining inside my closet
but they never found me trapped there
underneath everything I've been hoarding inside my memory
for years now, I was buried there.
Some days I feel like I never escaped
like the old empty bottles are still weighing on top
of my heavy heart making me incapable of
seeing the light I have turned on for myself.
My manic depression
is like your favorite toy left in the basement
you get excited thinking about having that joy back again
but as soon as you try to go towards it
you're scared and panicked of what could come after you
and even when you get that courage to step foot onto
those stairs leading you to your happiness-
you stop, look at the darkness
and slowly turn and run the other way.
I will take back control eventually-
I will take this illness one step at a time
and hope someone will be there to hold my hand along the way
although I know this heart is heavy-
I am capable of carrying it alone.

you call out my name
when my knees are on the ground
when colour disappears
when hope turns into nonexistence

you call out my name
when you know that i am weak
when you know that i've got nobody
when you know that i'm alone

it's my  name you speak
when the darkness comes again
when rain falls from clear blue skies
when the warmth has gone

it's my name you speak
as i grow sicker
as i throw away my pills
as i cry myself to sleep once again

you're who i turn to
when light is but a memory
when words fail to soothe
and the days drag on

you're who i turn to
in my darkest hours, and when i am fine
before i even try
and when i've given up yet again

yours is the name i whisper
when people asks whats to blame
when they ask what helps
when they ask me what i want to stop

you're the one
i'll never give up
i'll never stop hating
the one that defines me

Self Harm
you're the one
i will always
need.

I can't stop thinking about you
Your eyes are so blue..
I remember when I first met you
Something sparked in me
I wanted to know everything about you
And then you smiled...
God that smile
I can still feel my heart melting when I think about you
I knew from the beginning
But I didn't
I knew there was something different about you
Something special
I wonder if you feel the same way?
I didn't think so

I look at you and I don't see flaws
I don't see someone who is "sad"
I don't see anything wrong with you
I see you
I mean I honestly see you
The way you laugh nervously when I'm staring at you
Or the way you way your smile catches my breath
Or the way your eyes reflect the most beautiful soul
Can you see that?
Can you see how much you mean to me?

If I showed you who I was, would you cringe?
Would you laugh in my darkness?
Would I regret myself?

If I showed you my scars, would you stare?
Would they glow with shame?
Or fade into who I am, that being okay?

If I showed you my eyes, would you see my soul?
Would you find nothing there, like he did?
Or would you see the flame I saw in you?

If I let my tears flow, would you know why?
Would you tell me that I didn’t make sense?
Or would you know all to well what each salty tear represents?

If I showed you myself, and all that I am,
Would I finally understand it myself?
Would you make me feel whole?

If I showed you who I was,
If I showed you who I am,
Would you show me the same of you?

You came up my throat like the last overdosed pill
I can’t even remember how you got here against my will
So I tried to paint you in colors that weren’t real
Now I need back the parts I let you steal.

I compare your eyes to the red autumn sky
There’s a whole world inside your pupil, a whole world high
You said you weren’t special
But you slowed train tracks with your hands, and then brought them back again

I told everyone regrets get left behind in the hills of summer
But kissing someone new isn’t making the seasons go by
You were my favorite way of passing time

I can’t pretend anymore
I want to love again
Please hold my hand
I’ve been around a time or two
And no one gets me to feel like you

If it has ended now
And we stop being friends,
Just tell me clearly please;
For love has blinded me,
I will not plainly see
That it has ended here.
I'm such a hopeful man
And will keep dreaming on,
So, say for certain please-
That this sweet friendship died;
There is no going back.
Too late to admit wrong,
(I am the guilty one
The fault was always mine).
Tell me to forget hope-
That the walls between us
Are stone hard, fiery hot,
And they will never fall.
Tell me to reject you,
And to not trouble you
That I should ramble off
And just go away far.
So, say it bluntly please,
If it has happened that
We are no longer friends.