Being human is a tricky thing,
I cannot blame that I am such a ****** one on the mere fact that it is my first.

There are plenty of things I've done for the first time and not **** at.
But being fair and morally correctly was never on that list.

I can list what I **** at though.

Being too much or not enough of myself,
The endless judgment that comes with being, as if I am not doing it as a lived experience.

I cannot stomach the thought of anyone ever truly seeing me despite how much I overshare.
Regardless of how many times you tell me you care, almost no one cares enough.

It goes on and on until one day abruptly it just stops.

Your eyes shut with no idea that it’ll never see a sunrise again.
My lips never got a chance to form those words.
Your mind is only able to conjure me, reliant on nothing but memories.

Memories that’ll one day fade, until all you remember is the outline of my body.
And every now and then you catch a whiff of the perfume I used to wear on someone, but it doesn’t compare to my scent.

Still you seek me in a crowd, knowing I am not there.

The new guy i’ve got my arm around does not warm me like you do,
So I pull him closer and closer, forcing him to close the gap between our bodies.  
Still he leaves me, feeling incomplete.

But he is not you, and he will never be.

I know she makes you feel secure but the sight of her does not shake you to your core.
And I know he makes me feel at ease but I like the sound of waves crashing against shore.

I never felt more safe, then I did with you within our storm.

That is why i cannot go back there again.
Why would i want to return to my lowest point?
Why would i willing go back to my addiction?

Don’t you know nothing ever compares to that first high.

That is all, that is all i have to say about chemistry.
Is that it started off so sweet but in the end the taste becomes overwhelming, just like you.

For you cannot build a long withstanding relationship on chemistry and think you found it all.

Love cannot be built on a foundation that is fleeting.

I cannot fathom the fascination you have with being vulnerable,
Aren’t you more susceptible to deception?

Does it not allow for more frequent coming and going out of your life?
Out of your heart?

Where is the beauty in being who I am?
I am rough, raw and rigid.

Where is the beauty in stiffness? Besides the ability to withstand itself.
Maybe the mere fact that it does not tilt or shift for no one.
But who wants to love someone as stubborn as that?

There is no beauty in being vulnerable.

You cannot continue bleeding out ounces of yourself for people who cannot stand the sight of blood.

She said “if you’re such a romantic why do you keep on settling for the minimum?”

If she only knew how romance works, it’s getting lost in those mundane things.
It’s a look only you and him share.
It’s a shared connection.
In modern time it translates to taking one airpod and giving him the other.

Unfortunately, for a romantic who suffers the wrath of heartache more often than need be.
It is the moment we fall in love with, the high we chase in that feeling.

Goodness, I haven’t loved half the men I've been with but I sure loved how they made me feel.

You leave at the gate and I count back from ten as I walk to my door.
I think of you at ten how you show me you love me.
Your hand on my thigh at nine.
At eight how you smile at me.
Our secret handshake at seven.
The six times we drove around the block because I refuse to go home and be without you.
At five how we said and met each halfway in everything we did.
The four times you told me you might be in love.
At three I said those magical words “I love you”.
At two I look back as I almost reach my door.
I look at you one last time as I’m about to close my door, hoping that one day I close my eyes and sleep in our bed.

“wasn’t it tiring? Letting him come and go out of your life like he did?”

“It was” she says her voice only but a whisper, her shoulders dropping in exasperation. You could see the relief in her eyes as she admitted that indeed it was.

“Loving him was the most exhausting and most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done. He was the most mundane man but he brought so much spontaneity to my life. He was the essence of excitement, like a revolving door you don’t exactly know which side it truly moves but somehow we would always make it to the other side.”  She took a deep breath as a smile crept onto her now relaxed face.

“That man,” she sighs

“That man was a walking library filled with my favourite word, freedom”

It’s been years since i felt something, anything.
I am willing to accept the jabs and stomach the turmoil of heartbreak. Only if it means i get to feel again.

When I’m intoxicated I tend to think about you less.
Maybe my thought process becomes more bearable.
Maybe I should stop blaming you for my toxic habits.
But then again you are my biggest one.

What a waste, I feel like a waste of space.
I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder and everyone expects so much from me, I can’t bare it. I can’t take it.

All of this pressure most of it comes from myself because I want to be better, because I want more for myself and I don’t know how to go about it.

I am sick of where I am but I am so scared to begin again.

I hope one day I find someone that knows how to catch me when I fall,
kisses me so I can shut up,
listens attentively to every word I say when I think I talk too much.

Someone that bends down to tie my shoelace.
A friend,
a lover,
a shoulder to cry on
and a back to give my inner child a piggy back ride.

someone to play with me,
someone that entices me and keeps my passion alive,
Someone that keeps the fire in my burning because I am already lit.

I am already burning I’m just so tired of people that put out my fire instead of adding fuel to let me truly flourish.

It is looking at myself in the mirror,
without pulling my nose in slight disgust.
It is how I managed to pull myself out of bed every single morning,
even though I dread mornings.
It is learning to love your scars
and appreciate your annoying habits.
It is continuously choosing yourself every day.
It is reassuring your body and mind,
that although you don’t show it enough gratitude, you still love it.

I am with bone and skin, but I am woman.
I am vulnerable to the other gender,
they don’t seem to notice that I am indeed human to.

Being born a woman is both a curse and a blessing.
we embrace it all,
we are both the sun and the moon, we are women.
I am a woman, yes but I am so much more than that

Stop looking for things to distract you.
Don’t occupy your time with silly things to keep you from facing
your mind,
your fears,
you.

Stop trying to out run yourself,
haven’t you realized you both keep the same pace.
You both have the same strengths and weaknesses.
Do something about it.

You taught me to accept that one can never know everything because
if we had the answer to everything
and a written explanation for every star in the sky
and why flowers bloom and die repeatedly within every season.
Then life would be no fun and the excitement of the unknown would only be a concept.
I quite like it that I can look into your eyes and can’t pinpoint the feeling in my heart, yet I know it’s called love.
As if it flutters at the mystery that lies behind it.

A slow painful death
but even then it would not compare to all the pain and suffering I had to endure.
I don’t want to waste my breath on you,
Neither my ink so I’ll stop writing here
before I say something I won’t regret.

You have come this far.
Been to the depths of hell and came back with scars but left your mark on its back, neck and in between its thighs.

You have been to heaven and brought heaven to some people. You have handed and thanked them in gold or if truly worthy pieces of yourself.

A piece for every fight.
A scar for every battle won.
A memory for every year that you’ve made it through.

As you embark on this new path I pray peace finds you.
May joy knock on your door like a long lost friend.
And hope meet you at your darkest hour.
If not, what’s one more fight to a warrior like you?

I want to be your darkness, your weakness.
I want to be the thing that makes you crumble.
I want to be your everything.

I want to be your flow.
I want to be the flaw in your ‘oh so perfect system’

Your entire world should pause at the sight of me.
When you lay your eyes  on me, i want your heart to start falling.

Time is but an illusion.
Alone we are weak, fragile and dismantled.
We have always been strong and unwavering together.

Because if we really are broken pieces then i would want to lie down next to you
forever,
for an eternity,
till infinity.

Not everyone will be able to fully grasp how beautiful you truly are.

You make the sun seem dim.
You put the galaxies to shame.
Your beauty makes me want to hide away but just like the sun i can’t out run you.

I allow your soul to catch me and your beauty devours me.
I drown in your words and giggle at your jokes.
I want to know how you made me feel alive again?

It’s not love if everything is perfect.
It’s not love when you constantly smile and overlook problems.
It’s not love because i noticed how you look at her
but that’s okay because still i kiss you on the cheek and hand you your morning cup of coffee.

To escape the clutches of guilt is self inflicting.
To stay away and be excused from the theatrics of life.
To be civil is a far fetched dream.

To be beautiful and to look beautiful are two completely different things.
Can you really compare the ocean to a puddle?

When you fall...
You fall all at once,
You fall quick and unintentional,
You fall hard.

It’s scary but you fall nonetheless.
It’s the indescribable feeling of falling.
Making your way down,
If we’re being honest falling is the best part because you're too lost in the adrenaline to actually care about the landing.

You will learn that some people are just not meant to be in your life,
no matter how much you tug at them and pull to hold them close.
The universe will always pull you apart, regardless of how tethered you are to one another.
You have to let go, step into uncharted territory.
You have to somehow manage staying apart.

You’re little hand wraps around my finger and I wonder how I got so blessed.
You are my redemption,
You are the reason I smile and at times the only reason I seem to pick myself back up.

Loving you is effortless and easy,
Loving you is natural and second nature,
Loving you is how I’ve come to love myself.

Let us waltz to Beethoven in the kitchen,
Wearing nothing but our socks
and our hearts on our sleeve.

Let the beautiful melody carry the weight of our bodies.
Let us synchronize, merge you and I.

Like the violin and piano, polar opposite but sound so ******* together.
Let me love you repeatedly like the pianist continuously taping her fingers on the keyboard.
Stretch me like how the violinist stretches strings.

Love me this way this,
Bring me peace and serenity like classical music.

Growth comes in all forms,
maybe it’s being able to handle myself around people,
when my world feels like its shrinking.

The mind such a powerful yet intangible thing.

Maybe my growth came when I started accepting things I had no control over.
Maybe I found it while cutting lose what is no longer meant for me.

Or maybe just maybe it was there all along waiting for me to gain some self-respect.

Maybe I needed to be down and out.
Lying in the dirt, bruised and beaten.

Maybe you are meant to suffer, in order to experience the power of healing.
Growth is accepting an apology that never left the lips of your oppressor.

Words, or lack there of

See the thing is that I do not know what to make of you.
I do not know how to describe you,
Metaphors fail me
There seems to be nothing for me to compare you to.
No ‘like’ or ‘as’ because I guess there is nothing left for me to say.

Or maybe I can’t bring myself to say anything because that would mean that I would have to think of every word that you ever said to me,
Or every moment that you spent on my mind.
Or how it simply wasn’t meant to be.

And I can’t bring myself to think of those things because I can feel my heart breaking all over again.

See the thing is I usually compare the men I fancy to hurricanes and storms.
I label them as ‘dashing’ and ‘breathtaking’

But it is only when I am no longer hung up on the idea of them, that I see that they are just boys.
You are just a boy.
But I’ll be ****** if go on and I haven’t labeled or compared you to any of those things because just like I described them,
I will describe you.

I just haven’t found the right words yet.
Or maybe just maybe I’m scared that when I find them I will be far too fond of them.

Do not tell me there is an alternative universe where you and I are together
When this is the one I want to love you in

Do not give me all the reasons we shouldn’t be together and marvel at the slightest possibility that I could be yours.

Do not assume I would not want to be with you and give me another reason to stay and work it out with you

Do not make me feel like I could be a little more lovable, like if in another universe something about me was slightly different.

Sleeping seems to be the only state I can let go of everything.
Where I can close my eyes and become a new, better version of myself.
Why is it when I am awake and conscious I do not know how to be?
It’s like I have no recollection of what it is to be me.

It is when you plant a kiss on my skin that leaves it burning.
It is how beautifully your tongue coats its lies.
It is holding my breath when you walk in the room.

It is you,
You are poison wrapped in cotton candy.

I better stay away before I get a cavity.

But as if missing you is not enough,
I often find my fingers tracing the bullet wound.

As if missing you had not hurt me enough.
It is the same wings you broke that want to fly into the arms that abandoned us.

I watched you leave, and I watched everything I had ever known go with you.
It is you, you are my everything.

As if missing you is not torture enough,
I yearn for your touch on my skin,
your lips on back,
hands on my waist,
and your mind wrapping itself around me like a  burning fire.

I want you to consume me.

And it all seems so real and everything seems right again,
like the universe has aligned
but like a nightmare I wake in a fright and sweat from the dream that is you.

and it is because of this that I will not give you the satisfaction of letting you know just how much my body aches because you are not beside it.

How much more lonely these walls we once called home feel.

I will not let you know how much I yearn for your presence because
you had made it so crystal clear that you don’t need mine.

The foundation for my conception of love,
Because yours is unconditional.
The rock on which I stand,

I am learning to build my life upon your love,
it is the only consistent thing I have.
A ear that always listens, even though my cries are silent and at times deafening.

You show me my worth, my true value and there is no currency that can match to me.

You show me i am one of a kind,
you took your time to shape me,
every flaw,
every inch of me perfectly designed,
crafted by the purest.

It is so hard to let go but you show me every time that you have got every single part of me.

Letting go is so hard but your love prevails over and over again.
Telling me that everything is going to be just fine.

When that’s all I wanted for you,
for you to not feel like you’re carrying it on your own.
You never said anything regarding your feelings for me, if there were ever any.

and I guess that’s what broke me.

That I wasn’t even worth a simple “I’m just not that into you”, that I wasn’t worth your honesty and a simple process of emotion concerning me and our relationship.

I get that you were in it for something else and I knew that going in but I just thought that there was actually some tiny part of you that cared for me or at least in vain liked something about me.

Silly of me to think your heart ever compared to mine.