I started the process of memorizing you today

35 freckles on your right shoulder and a break in the cartilage on your right ear near the top was as far as I got

I think even if I have 100 more years in your arms, I'll never know how many individual hairs you have on your chin or why you sound like you're dying when you sleep

What an exciting thought
To never know all of you

I don't know if your I love you means what it means for me
Someday maybe I will

Or maybe I'll spend my whole life trying
To hear all your thoughts behind
the words
I love you

I see bees everywhere
It's hard for me to eat
I feel it in my chest
like a paper weight
my guts are tying knots
I've turned into a milkshake
Guns shoot right through me
Like pictures of silly faces
Science hasn't told me
Why the word blob makes me laugh for days
I guess I'll just wrap myself in cobwebs
And pretend I am okay

I feel like I'm floating in and out of focus
Like nothing solid exists in me
Only floating pieces of debris

Where did this come from? How can I come back
The chords holding me down
Seem to be cut

My brain isn't fully here and I don't know where it's gone
I can't even see myself
Where can I run?

Someone come and hold me down
Explain to me how to exist
I don't know what I want or need
I just have to get into some place

I don't think I'm here or there
I don't think that I'm anywhere
I want to hold on
To have something to touch
But I can't seem to feel anything
It's all turned to dust

I see you slowly disappearing
under all the weight
I want to hold your hand
and tell you it’ll be okay
we both know that’s a load of bull crap
and I don’t want to lie
please don’t disappear
please know you are the brightest star
you taught me how to think
you taught me how to frown
you taught me the beauty of vulnerability
and I don’t want to hold you down
please know that I love you
and even if you need
me to let you go
i’ll do that cause I love you
but please
please
don’t leave this world alone

Heart clenched
Breath gone
Hyperventilate
You forgot your phone
It's the end of the world
My body refuses to cooperate
20 minutes
That's all this can last
Yet 20 minutes can feel like a year
As long as you give it the space
Wanting to stay and fight
Or fly away
But you can barely stand in one place
Your touch feels like iron
Trapping me inside this cage
Just let me out
Don't ******* touch me there

Popping
Stabbing
Wounding my head

Why won't you leave me?
My old friend

You've been with me for so long a time
I've gotten quite used to you
Get out of my mind

stop clouding all my sunny thoughts
All you bring is darkness
I don't want to talk

I would love it if you would please go away
You aren't welcome here
I don't want you to stay

Stop telling me things I don't want to hear
I've heard it enough
I'm done with this fear

I know that I'm crap
You are too
So stop yelling at me friend
Cause I don't care about you

I'm allowed to be ****
I am trying for more
please just  
Let me shut the door.

They never tell you how your mouth never tastes the same

They never tell you how the smell of their body clings to your skin

They never tell you how their face gets tattooed into the pathways in your brain

They never tell you how every nerve in your body sets on fire

Or how the butterflies in your stomach start calling out his name

They never give you a map, or show you the way.

I never learned how to love you

Please, don't run away

Ripping, tearing, scratching at my skin all I want to do is let the light in
destroy me
tear me apart
envelope me with your touch
cause don’t want to live in this body anymore
I want to disappear
or turn into something new
all I really want
is to get away from you
you body,
you skin,
I don’t want you anymore
I want to fly away
maybe to
go to the moon
all I know
is I want a place
where I can feel beautiful.