"You're gonna die ******* laugh" ~ Hasan Minhaj Homecoming King

Laugh you ******
At least this is what I think when I'm trying to get someone to laugh
We all die its gonna happen
Whether you die today or die tomorrow

LAUGH

Don't force it either it has been proven that forcing laughter
Is actually unhealthy for you
I'm not really sure how it works If it stacks up or not

LAUGH

Maybe I'd just have to find out but I also remember
That I've been twisting and pinning my laughter up at the edges
I've been orchestrating the downfall of my vocal chords for so long

LAUGH

There is not a more convincing sound in the world but my laugh
Two things woven together seamlessly
False and true have blended into a new vocal sound for maybe

Maybe its Maybelline
Maybe its sadness and happiness
Twirling each other around on the dance floor

LAUGH

Just laugh today alright?

Take a breath for just a second
And try to remember the warmth of being content and ok

Or if you're eating french fries
Take two and tuck them under your upper lip
Go look in the mirror cause now you're a walrus

And remember.

You're gonna ******* die and time runs through your laughs

So laugh while you still can

And not giggling from your grave cause no one can hear you

LAUGH

Drunk on silence
Drunk on happiness
I never really knew how straight your smile was
Or how it something so simple
That only takes 43 muscles to do
Could make my heart flutter and tingle so much
You're really special
And it literally turns my smile upside down
When you go in on yourself and degrade yourself so much
Drunk on violence
On anger
I never knew that there were so many things that you could get drunk on
That wasn't whiskey
Or bourbon
Or *****
Not to mention spiced ***
Over the course of my life I learned
That you can get high on good days
And crash on worse days
I've learned that life is just a huge cocktail
Except you're in Russia
And instead of you drinking it
Savoring it's bitterly stinging caress
It savors you
It lifts you up to the edge of its lips
And takes a wonderfully large sip
Right from your life source
That's why you get up every morning
Feeling a little drained
Or that's why you don't get out of bed at all
And I know it's hard to find something to look forward to
But in the end when you find that something
Or someone
It'll be worth it
The darkness will shrivel away
And your day will get sunnier  
So please
Just keep getting up
It's worth it It won't seem like it now
But it is I promise as long as you keep getting up
It's worth it
You're worth it

I spun a fine metal string
I took four corners of my heart
Smoothing them out
With rarely loving hands
I attached the key to my newly minted kite
Out into the storm I swirled
Climbing the glass hill
So many fine lined fractures
I could find at least several sonnets
If only I stooped low enough to read
But alas I've crested my checkpoint
Outstretched you are
Thunderheads dominating the sky
Flashes of light
But my heart still flies on
Unhindered
Paper thin
Right where it's supposed to be
The key flailing gaily
Pure darkness
But sometimes darkness
It can be the brightest thing ever
And it's finally struck its mark
The X has been found
The electricity outlining your delicate veins
I never realized how pretty you were
Smoke curls out of my mouth
Stunned and dazed
Tendrils flowing freely
Dregs of adrenaline
Flooding out of my system  
I never knew that I could feel this way
I never knew
As I lay upon the ground
Watching my hearted kite drop gracefully
Shriveled and burned to a crisp
How important you were to me
Until we were struck
So in our dying moments as you finally reach me
I fold my arms carefully across you
Pressing you into my chest as if I could undo what I did
And we watch the storm rage
As everything slowly melts
Into a velvety soft black
And as one


We stop beating

The promises you made
Above my grave
Seeped through the soil
The sky flared
Outlining your heart
Orange
Red
Green
Bleeding
Your tears fell to rest
On my skeletal tongue
Satisfying my dusted trachea
Morbid Moons
Dancing throughout
The Lilac sky
You've been here too long
And I believed every promise
That you sowed in my ribcage
So take what's left
Of my pressurized heart
Take your Lilac dipped lies
Tie them off
Sell them to another lover
Before morrow ends
Take my pen
Cast it out to sea
If only so it will bleed
All of the truths
That you  never confessed to me
And I to you
Because isn't that what's best?
Sugar coated lies
With honeyed eyes
And frayed rays of sunshine
Goodbye lovely
I'll see you another morrow
Once Apollo rises
And once Ra sets
After Luna shimmers in the sky
I'll wish you away
From the base of my grave

The way you look in the morning
How you think its disgusting and your hairs a wreck
You're right
Your hair is always a wreck
But its cute and mussed with sleep
Or hibernation
As I like to call it
But I never see the disgusting thing
Like maybe for you the sun just burns it away
But its not there to begin with
I'm jealous
Especially of your eyes
I joked once that
Whatever divine being got the task of tailoring your genetics
They did an experiment for science and put mood rings in your eyes
And I
I fell flat On my *** the first time I saw your eyes
Like holier than hell
Sometimes if I can't discern your mood
I will actually just use your eyes
I still love that little thing you do without noticing it
Stretching and tucking your face into your LEFT arm not your RIGHT arm
Or how your right eyebrow will just **** if something confuses you
Or just for no reason at all
I tried to help you open an ice pop over webcam
It didn't really go well
But I wanna say thank you
For the most wholesome moment I may or may not have Encountered in my life
I don't wanna laugh when you struggle but honestly could you blame me?
it was cute
I just wanted to say thank you
I could've said it by just saying those two words
But I guess this is an example of what's behind those two words
And there's so much more behind them
Thank you

Memories Are made of this
They're made out of things
That I had almost forgotten
That I was so close to forgetting
All of the cuts and scars
Gracing my gun battered heart
They were so close to fading
I've written a lot about this recently
I realize because
While my mind sits back
Looking at that obsidian corner of my heart
The one that refuses to let go and listen
To be smart
To actually get its **** together
It has refused to break
My mind is tired of trudging along pulled by that part
I write because this is the only way I can actually put it together
Like picking up the pieces of a broken vase
And getting cut
I just stare at the blood
Not really feeling the stinging kiss of it
It's just another thing that bodies do
Bleed
But I guess I'm just not used to seeing it on the outside
When its always on the inside
I've always been like this
Slowly able to forget
But still
Timidly refusing to do so
As I'm typing away
My keys providing a steady click
I look up
And through the curtains
Through the closed shades
I can see that the sun has come up again
Oh
I guess I did it again
Staying up again
Because my past would rather haunt my active conscious
Where I can't help but think about it
Instead of haunting my dreams
Maybe if my mind could feel as my heart did
Would it feel sympathy?

If I lose my memory
Tell me
About the love I lost before that
When I lose my memory
Remind me that I always loved your smile
When edges dog ear
Crease
And
Crumple
Slowly wearing down
Remind me what snow smells like
Remind me that I gave my all
To watch it blow away
I want you to tell me that I opened a door during a game
And you were behind it
Granted you were trying to stab me
How romantic
Show me
That sometimes our all isn't enough
And that people can't change
And that's alright
Because some pain isn't eternal
That some of these scars will fade
It just takes time
Tell me because I don't remember
That when the hands of time fall off of my clock
And the pendulum stops swinging
Your laugh picks those hands up
And slowly starts making them tick again
And your smile starts swinging my pendulum heart back and forth again
Remind me
When I'm a little bit older
And If I lose my memory
That you'll be there on the floor with me
Head to head
Cupping my trembling hands
Tucking that loose strand behind my ear
That you'll be there
To help me remember
That I loved you
Show me how to love you again
When I lose my memory
Remember
I've loved you from the second I met you
I didn't know
But it was there
Just remember for me
I love you

Oh Mr. Sandman
Bring me your dreams
Ba ba ba ***
Make them the cutest that I've ever seen
Even if its just for a few seconds before Insomnia
Sweeps me off my feet
In the kitchen
We waltz
1
2
3
Cotton candy dreams
1
2
3
Feather light tonight
1
2
3
Come on let's keep going
1
The dance isn't over yet
2
I know that you're starting to break a sweat
3
Put on that mask for me
3
Let me see what you refuse to
3
You can't be what you want
2
But you can be what I've shaped you to be
2
So just sit down
1
We're almost through
1
And write what I want you to write

Mushrooms

They're a tricky sort
I thought that these were the ones
That were safe to eat
But now I've kinda  tripped over my untied shoe lace
And into this vortex of color
Spinning down the base of the funnel
Down a multi colored memory lane
Up the base of a skeletons tap dancing spine
Over I went
And across I go
Pulled under by a pulsating fist of color
I honestly shouldn't have eaten it I guess
Isn't that how most things start out?
I didn't think that it would've been that bad of an idea
I see your smile in the fading rays of a neon rainbow
I smell your laugh as the first rain droplets splatter
Onto this earths crust
I keep swirling through these doorways of color
I'm trying to debate on whether or not I wanna be here
I don't have that much of a choice
Because I watch as my being shatters into three dimensional cubes
Memories splayed out on their surfaces
Regrets on the bottom face
Happiness on the top face
Sadness on the side
And rage remains on the last face
And in the center of that cube
Lays aspirations and dreams
Hopes and wants and needs
These are a few of my favorite things
My past is melting into a shaded future
God I should've checked
Before I let my hunger get the best of me
These colors sharpen my memories
The ones that already hurt without needing help
They soften the bitter edges
A cacophony of impossibility
I think I like mushrooms

I love your eyes
I really do I don't tell you that often
If I made an honest love poem
It would be me telling you
That I wanna ****** you
With the simplicity of words and imagery
To paint the finest things that you've ever seen
Only using a flourish of an ink pen
Things that we both relate to
That we both see
I don't wanna just ****** what's in your pants
Honestly I could care less about that
I don't give a **** about it
Because love
I wanna ****** your soul
I wanna be the pied piper
That causes your laughter to dance
Through the roiling green mountain doors
Over the crooked floor
If you ever feel like you're falling
Its fine
I'm just your safety line in a roaring sea
At least I thought I was
Right now I can't really tell if you've turned into the sea
And I've turned into a helpless overboard passenger
But I know that I wanna name each and every single laugh
After a fallen star
Not the stars that sing
Prancing on the silver lined edge of a stage
The stars that tell us secrets
But only the ones who listen long enough
Patiently waiting
For knowledge to bestow their ears
That's what I wanna hear from your laugh
I wanna be dumbstruck
Simply because you smiled at me
The wind never blows against you
Or away from you
Because you
That's just how amazing you are  
That it curls and follows at your heels
That it wants to follow you
And when you snicker
Heaven collapses
And hell
Hell implodes
Because the devil himself
He gets down on his knees because your snicker
Is just so holy that heaven can't exist because of it
And hell can't coincide peacefully with it
Because it'll never be able to pump out enough evil
To even conquer the pureness
Or to even hope to defeat
The wholesome goodness of that single snicker
That I out of all of the people on this planet
Have gotten you to emit
Thank you for making my frost bitten days warm again

Seeing the torment
Savoring the grief
Smelling the anguish
The thing under this skin prowls
Aged
Immortally blissful
******
Bitter liquid down my gullet
Its gullet
Its body
What happened
Between this mirror switching face?
I don't remember having steel gray eyes
The skin on my knuckles breaking
Nails sharpened
Senses heightened
Canines elongated
I thought
That if I had shattered this mirror
I could keep the beast in
Keep it from your eyes
But in shattering this mirror
I let it out
And it came right through my skin
An arrow tipped in blood bane
A clouded fume of smoke surrounded my eyes
And when I woke up
I saw myself  
Every part
Presented every thing done on a silver platter
Good
Bad
Horrendous
Things that should never see the light of day
Golden bells chiming the good things that I've done
Singing long forgotten praises
In a lilting reminisced language
Sapphire tears cutting paths along my unmarred skin
Blood twining down
Dancing along to the rhythm of the song
Sitting
Collapsing is more like it
Snow gliding up around me in a cloud
White dust
Not exactly as addicting as the drug  
I take it all in turning it over
In quivering palms
After all of these years
Of fighting my own self
I've finally learned how to love it all
A little more everyday
Iron glints
Nails smooth
Rounding out
Canines go back
To a reduced size and a reduced time
I look back into the mirror and see myself
Today I own a little bit more of my beast

I've  been spending my nights
Sipping whiskey tainted delights
Weaving together loose threads
I bet that if we dusted my heart
We would only find your finger prints
Finger prints
No indentions
No cave ins
Like you were trying to hold onto it
For fear of losing it when it tried to walk away from you
If you splayed your hands out
You would be able to find my heart beat
Stretching across the first two lines
That join when you put your hands side to side
You can see how it speeds up when I hear your laugh
You can see how it slows down when I think something might be off with you
You could see how it speeds up when I think about your eyes
Writing is the finest paintbrush
That I could ever use to try and impress you
Words sealing seamlessly together
The vibrancy from them mesmerizing you
Convincing you that maybe
Just maybe this once
I'm worth wasting your time on
And staying with for just a bit longer
Along this waltz
Of a waning summer's eve
A speckled splash of falling red
Emerald green joining in the dance
Gold leaf gilding your laugh
Droplets of gray underlining your smile
Only flaking when a saturnine willow weeps
Just for that smile to come back out
The gilded joy of your laughter
Echoing through
Crimson fades
Blue delays
And I find
I get to be stuck here with you
Except I'm not stuck here
I'm happy to be here

I’m not sure when I started
With small chubby child hands
I found this canvas in my mind
It stretched from wall to wall. Floor to ceiling.
It was so blank and I wondered why it existed
So for the first few years
A few canvases were filled with happy memories
Splotches of paint
Bright rays of laughter
And then
After I got older
Some were filling up with grays and blacks
I painted these endlessly
And then they started getting brighter
People were there
I painstakingly sharpened their edges
To make them stand out
To contrast
Except in the middle of these people
There were always these two figures.
And their outlines were smudged
They were blurred
They were smoky
Wisps curling from around them
And a part of me knew the shorter one was me
And I knew who the taller one was
The taller one was the constant
But sometimes
Constant steady presences can hurt
And I didn’t notice when my hands
Stopped being chubby and stumpy
I didn’t notice that instead
They became sleek a
nd flecked with tiny white scars
I  hadn’t noticed the paint
In swirling groups of flecks and blots
I hadn’t noticed
My left hand rising up with a sponge
To erase that tall outline that had been there for such a long time
And in its place I painted
I painted a clear defined question mark
And for a while
It followed me
And I was ok
I was ok with it following me around sometimes
And other times I wish I hadn't erased what I did
But one night in that seemingly half full endless chamber
Of canvases
I did something I ended up making something
Not like I usually created
I lifted both hands
I dipped them in this paint
I watched the droplets fall to the floor and splatter
And I realized something from me fell and splattered with them.
And when it did
This blank canvas bursted into life
I watched
I watched as paint seeped off of my fingers
Drawn into that canvas like a sponge
I watched as that defined question mark turned into a figure.
Almost my height
But slightly taller
And I watched
As all of these other canvases
Started filling with old memories from this rearranged question mark
And present ones
So I sat
And I watched

Pray tell
Did your soul join the fish
When you died?
Did your lies swim within the same water
I've wondered about death
As everyone else does
Maybe
If I plucked off your scales one by one
They'd tell me
The answers ingrained on the fleshy backs
Blood dripping from your tail
I know you thought that
In dying
Peeling off your mortal shell
Leaving the muscles behind
Snapping the tendons connecting your bones
That you could get away from me
That you could leave me with unanswered questions
To be sown for another person
Passed on
But even now I've hunted you down
I've snared your soul
While you took another form
So simple
Granted even pretty
But now I've flayed your scales
I've split your tail in half
Seeking the answers to my questions
Some sort of comfort
Some sort of warmth
From the blood
Your blood
Seeping through my skin
Pleasantly warm
I see your large eye
Glassed over
Its amusing
They used to be so blue
With sharp cheek bones beneath them
But now they've just been angled
The flesh silver instead of a healthy pink
Fingers replaced with fins
Memories replaced with bubbles
Pray tell
Do your memories swirl in the vortex of under currents?
Am I down there?

Young at heart
It wasn't serious
Laughs were swapped
Like loose change over a counter top
Looking at myself
I no longer hated
The image that was reflected back at me
Off of the waters glass surface
Because I saw you
I loved seeing you
And you loved seeing me
Because seeing you
Was like seeing home
Until once upon a day
I stared back at myself
Twas not you
Soon after
Twas not I either
Your love wasn't always unconditional
Or provided
But when it came to my love
Anything was fixable
With my driftwood heart
Floating by on the ripples
The after effects of your smile
A pebble dropping into the sound that was your laugh
I studied it
So meticously
I went over every fine line
Every grain of sand
Crooked fingers
Crooked smile
Broken to the bit of your smile
Casting you a crown
From the moons own rays
Lost at sea now
Stars waltzing around me
Trails of nebulas
I'm glad your happy
Because looking at you
I see all of the mistakes I made
That were veiled
Because I was too intoxicated
Too high on loving you
Too ADDICTED to the sight of you
Now with my glacier eyes
I see where I went wrong
I see where I sunk
And now
I see where I rise too
Thank you

Summer keeled over
A horse who's heart busted in its chest
Running a race that it was never going to finish

Maybe that's what I tried to do
Running a race
Before the days slipped through the asphalt cracks

I thought if I obtained the properties of tar I could still slow down the days
Knitting them together
Alas time always flew by when I heard you laugh

Now I look into the mouth of a dragon
Objects are always closer than they appear

I gaze into the gaping maw of this beast

I sit outside
Gazing up at the sky
I find myself wondering if there's even a way
To get this last week to sip bourbon
Just so it'll be too drunk to find its way home
And in its intoxicated judgement it'll choose to stay
Add on a few more days to this death sentence
Just a few more sunsets is all I want
A few more sips of your laugh to get me tipsy
If I followed the curved road of your shoulder blades
Would it get me back to the beginning of june?
As to avoid the emerald colors of prancing fall
Who will soon give way to swooning winter
With its gusts of cold love and bitter affection

Quaking Earth shattering Revolting
And I'm in the middle of it
My heart is at least
I didn't realize or notice that it got so big able to lumber out of my chest
I guess that's ok because I can't do anything about it
Just like I couldn't do anything about the fire rising up behind "me"
You aren't with me I don't get to hear your laugh anymore
Sprinkling down through ivy covered walls
You aren't with me
I've realized that a lot
But I also realize that when I get up in the morning
Or in most cases never going to sleep to begin with
The moon a lovely
Complicit pale lover
Never questioning me
Never worrying me
Listening when I need to talk
And instead of telling me what to do
Or telling me what I'm doing wrong
it just listens
I knew it wasn't a mistake when I fell for your pale face
It was a mistake when I started liking someone
Who's face didn't stay impressively passive when looking at me
It was a mistake to fall out of orbit
For someone who never wanted to be free
From the confines of gravity
To  come into my sky
You know sometimes
I can still see your shadow
Just out of the corner of my eye
The way your hair would fall
How your eyes would even enrapture the sun
You aren't mine anymore
But the sun still deigns to rise
And the moon still loves me
I can't get back the love and adoration
I gave you over the past five years
And as I said I still see your shadow sometimes
But you aren't mine
And that's ok
Because even though you never cared
About being the meteor that knocked me out of orbit
I still cared about you being happy
Even when it wasn't with me
Even when it isn't with me
And each day since
I've gotten off of the ground
More and more
So thanks
For the broken insecurities
For the things that I never wanted
Thanks for submerging me into a vat
Made out of stress and emotional pain
Thanks
For the new sense of orbit
And the new outlook
And that sometimes
Dreams shatter
Possibilities shatter
But that's ok
Because when they shatter
The fractures
Lead to new doors

Hi. Yes thanks. I know I have pretty eyes I’ve heard that a lot.
Can you stop talking to me now?

I say that within my head because I know it would be considered “Rude”. When you’ve just given me a compliment. At least that’s what it’s deemed by most people in society.

If a guy tries to start a conversation with you or give you a compliment. Why don’t you just smile. And talk back.
Why don’t you just not? I know it’s considered polite. But I don’t owe you a smile. I don’t owe you a conversation. I don’t owe you a **** thing. Let alone a smile.

But that isn’t appropriate of me. I mean. Honestly how dare I tell someone no. Let alone a person of the male race. Who thinks that they’re being polite and reasonable. But when I try to disengage the conversation and walk away. You either step up. And verbally pull me back. Because if I keep walking and ignore you it’s rude. And there’s a chance that if you’re one of those guys. You will persistently keep walking and follow me down the street towards my house.

And I certainly don’t want you knowing where I live when you won’t even let a conversation end. And then there are the guys. That have grabbed me by the arm. Turned me back around. And boldly stated. We aren’t done talking. And by the fire in hell. It has taken every single fiber of my being. To hide the fury in my eyes. And all of my will. To keep my hands by my side instead of delivering you a well deserved punch to the nose. Because how dare you think that the conversation ends when you want it to end. Maybe I should be honored that you wanna talk to me. Despite the fact that I don’t even know you and you make me uncomfortable. And I have noticed your eyes. And how they’re constantly roaming. But no girl. Is and has to put up with you. An utter stranger. Who uses the excuse of. “Don’t be such a *****.” When you’re denied a conversation or you’re told no.

So thank you. For the ever so painful conversation. The fact that. You randomly chased me down when I shook my head. And started walking faster. And last but not least. The fact that throughout the time span of this entire conversation. You’ve never made EYE CONTACT with me not even ONCE.
So.

To the self entitled ****** who decided that I owed them a conversation. When I politely and quitely shook my head no to your offer of a conversation.

*******.

I want to scream I hate these lines
I hate this structured organization
They never stop and they always keep going on
Jesus just shut the hell up
Everything is too loud
Everything is going too fast
I can't handle this
My eyesight is bleeding out
Seeping through this page
Dotting it with blood
Its wonderfully terrific
Now I won't be able to see the bane of my existence
Everything in my head is too loud
It's so ****** loud!
It's ironic because when I scream
No one ever hears anything
It's all white noise
Delectable  
Dissectible
Deafening
White noise
I'm slowly swirling down into a whirlpool of madness
The worst part isn't that I'm scared
It's that I'm starting to become intoxicated by it
Haha
Help

Twisted veins
Monstrosities
Horrors around the corner
Of this chipped maze
Filled with gaudy roots
Smiles towed down by fish hooks
Skin ripping
Almost like Swiss cheese
Eyelids sag down
Flesh stretches
Clothes shrink
Feeling smaller
Breakable
Fragile
Delicate
A glass castle
Fractures that spread from a raised voice
Poised dagger
Over a beating vessel
A knife in their throat
Frayed fiber
What happens
When another octave is raised?

Smile
I'm lost inside of my head
Smile
The clouds have gotten even heavier
Smile
I don't remember how I got in here
Smile
How long has it been since this happened?
Smile
I can barely feel my face anymore
Smile
I can barely hear my thoughts anymore
Smile
I can't even feel my heartbeat anymore
Smile
It hurts
Smile
It hurts
Smile
It hurts so much
Smile
My lips crack blood cascading down my chin
Smile
In rivulets
Smile
It goes down my neck pasting my shirt against my skin
Smile
Boarding up the way out like plaster
Smile
Coppery metal salt
Smile
My teeth start breaking into Glacial shards
Smile
I can feel my muscles screaming in agony
Smile
My fingernails crack
Smile
The bone crowning the split flesh
Smile
Just smile…
It all goes away
Smile…

The first time I got *******
I told you that I loved your eyes
Because I could see my reflection in your left
And our past in your right
You laughed and told me to just shut up
Because I couldn't tell left from right
Loving you was kinda like that
I could never tell left from right
I could never tell right from wrong
And I could never quite tell
If you loved me or not
You see when I was drunk
Everything was marked up
"I love you" was stained with pretty colors
And purple bruises  
Sharp edges  that always cut when hugged
Hands that always squeezed too tight
When I wasn't drunk I couldn't stomach being with you
Your affection always ended up crashing like glass it was never real or true
It was false
Cheap plexiglass
It was supposed to keep me from falling
But now my blood rains down with shards that fall down to the ground
Crystal stained rain
Pretty to look at
Harsh to touch
That's like what loving you was like
A stained porthole of worry and doubt
Longing and rejection
False laughs and artificial sunlight
I always wondered if you dipped our happiest moments in sugar
It was only confirmed when fire ants started to eat me alive
The minute you slid that slipper onto my foot
I thought that it was something perfect
Until it became stained with my blood
Different shades of red
A sick blue
A fractured pane of glass is all I see
As the color slips through it
Silkier then a lovers laugh

Storm

I can tell you so many things about the world and what I’ve seen. What I’ve done. What’s happened to me.
But there’s something I think we can all relate to. When you find a person, that in reality they tell you they’re no good for you. You’ll just get hurt.
But it’s like waking up in the morning after staying up till three. And not feeling tired
It’s like taking the first good drink of coffee after you haven’t had any for a while.

It’s like this calm painted over picture with a glorious sunset and the waves cresting and rising. The clouds stained with colors that you didn’t even know could mix together and create something new.
It’s like falling out of an airplane and instead of feeling fear you just can’t stop thinking about the wind rushing in your ears touching your face. Your heart in your throat your stomach trying to join it. And you know that it could go wrong the parachute could fail and you’d just be falling. Knowing that you may very well end up dead.

A splat of blood and organs with tiny shreds of bone on the pavement. But at least you died with this weird feeling. This feeling of total  happiness and calm. But the same time you’re scared as ****.
Sometimes when they’re with you it’s this huge really really huge wave. And all you wanna do is fix whatever you did that day. But they just give you this look of disappointment and walk away.
It’s like when you’d jump off the swings when you were smaller and you’d hit the ground. And you got that weird sometimes painful feeling where it felt like you would never breathe again. But then this relief hits you and suddenly you’re gulping down air like an alcoholic chugs down three bottles of whiskey.
Sometimes it’s the violent roaring storm that’s like an untamable saber tooth. You’re being tossed around and shredded apart like this beast was planted in your heart and now it’s awoken and wants to be freed. The worst of these storms are when everything is ok. And then suddenly they just snap and start fighting with you.

And it just leaves this hollow feeling like this isn’t what you expected. But these storms are never what you thought or expected.
They’re a smashed up *** of porcelain shards. They’re beautiful and lovely to look at. But then you’re pushed into it and someone closes the lid and starts shaking it up. And you’re being bitten all over cut into you’re bleeding everywhere. And you just want this hell to end and when it seems like it’s climaxing and getting to the height of it.

It just stops and the person who threw you in there is looking down at you all concerned. And you’re so ******* happy to see them and you get up even though it hurts and you’re still being stabbed by these harsh unforgiving shards. But suddenly They just push you back down and put the lid back on and keep doing it.

Like you didn’t suffer enough.
That is a storm. Violent but soft to the touch and a beautiful thing that can break you and then remake you over and over again.
That is the storm entirely unexpected and not what you thought you’d get.

One day
He Will stop loving me
The looks of love
Will turn to annoyance
My laugh will cause a grimace

My presence echoing
Off the dismal decayed corridors
I have not prepared
The egg in my chest for this

I've  never known how to

I've tried

But it's been like a lighting bug
That flew too far out of my reach
But at least it still has a light
I haven't broken the cement around the habits we've made

Tonight I've wondered if I should
Fingers
Crooking
With holding a last text
To a completely different person

Unsteady heart beats
I thought
For a second
That I had lost that familiar friend

Pallid

Gray

A knowing smile

Here I lay
Lay me down to sleep

We stay awhile
Staring at each other
Nerve endings tingling
Through our brushed finger tips

A small smile
I haven't forgotten
This feeling after all
It hasn't forgotten

A small bloom
Forms on  lips
As quick as it appeared
It's gone with another tear

The City burned lighting up the night sky.

My city was burning. The one that I had so carefully crafted. The sky just an ash stained backdrop embers flying into the sky as if doves were freed from their cages. There were screams. I could see the people trapped in their houses. I could see the people spilling out of their houses. Once smooth pristine flesh. Now oozing. Angry red bubbles popping new ones blistering. I could see brothers holding their sisters back. Back from going in and getting family members. Back from getting pets. Back from going to the home that was now burning in front of them. I couldn’t talk ash coated my windpipe. Searing down it as if I had drank *****. It streaked up and down my arms as if it were painting me for war. And in a way it was. Because I would fight for this place. I would try to reign in the flames. Breathing in deeply through my nostrils as if I could take all of it and bind it into myself. And let it burn within me and spare this place that had become a sanctuary for so many. That had become my sanctuary. Except I hadn’t realized it. Peaceful days would be no more. Only days that were just filled with grieving. Filled with frantic terrorized people looking for remains. Looking for memories. Looking for small sentiments among the rubble. Just to numbly drop and realize that Greedy flames had burned it all away. And if it wasn’t. A Brash wind would sweep through and carry off the once heard laughs. The footsteps of the children playing. No. I have to stop. I have to help. But how can I help when I can’t even find the will to move. My muscles slowly failing me. Until I find a hand on my already heat kissed skin. Such a casual. Such a familiar gesture. I would know this hand. I do know this hand. Except I don’t because I find that when I turn. I turn! I can move. I can smile. I can do something. And I swear it’s like someone heard me. Heard my would be half baked panicked plan. A wind pushes at my back and I forget about the phantom hand. I only look long enough to notice a hand print just two sizes bigger than mine. It’s nice to know that they didn’t change that much. But that’s not the point. I travel down the blistered hill. Going to wherever I can. And just. Inhaling. I wince as it travels down my throat. And where it goes. I’m not sure. But it keeps working. I see my people. The people I’m supposed to protect. The people I am trying my best to protect. They calm down when they see me. But they also flinch away. As if they’ve received a swatting from a nanny. I can’t tell if my neck has been exposed. The bones gleaming white. The strewny muscles showing. Charred because they’ve already been cooked by the flames that never cease to exist. I want to stop. I can’t take this searing pain that’s numbed over half of my body and my nerves. The flames keep dancing and dancing. Dancing me closer to death. But I keep doing it. Until I get to the last house. I breathe in…… And that’s the last breath I remember taking. Before I collapse falling to my knees. And then keeling to the side. The ashes make a lovely pillow. Coating half of my face as if I had decided to play with them. Except these ashes were from wood. From bones. Some heavily soaked in blood… But they were all safe. The ones left alive at least. Marked and to forever be scarred by the fire. But alive. In pain. But alive. And that’s all that mattered to me. These are my last thoughts as I’m finally swept through a smoke coated tunnel of blackness.

Always be careful
Traipsing through the wood
Mother would say
I didn't listen to mother
Hardly ever did I listen
Frost biting thighs
Pacing
Not my pacing
I can't move
A lion stares back at me
Paws bigger than my hands
Splayed on the ground veins of blood snaking between them
I shiver
Not because I'm cold or scared
I'm just amazed that I'm still alive
I take in the lion still pacing
Eyes never breaking contact from my face
A brown coat
Light brown sparks of caramel shimmering
Eyes
It's been staring straight at me
And I haven't even noticed his eyes
Teal
Light green
Silver
Almost illuminated
A coarse patch in its otherwise smooth mane
Four paces
Closer
Nine paces
Closer
Our breathing mingles
I was already frozen
But I could at least feel my blood circulating through my body
The slight inflated rise of my lungs
Stunning
This lion lowers himself
Eye level with me
And I can move now
I get off of my thighs I stare at my hands
A tug in my gut and I'm down on the cave floor
Laying on my side
Across from each other eyes locked
I fell asleep heat brushing over me
A cocooned blanket  
This is how we fall asleep
For many nights
His eyes are always the last to close

The dying rays of the sun
Reaching up to kiss its pink tinged clouded lovers
Blue powdered sky dancing behind
Stealing its breath
And unknowingly
Stealing mine
Sweeping my heart away
With the very last ray
Just to do it again
Taking my eyes and filling them
Pitchers full of awe and delighted shock
Because holy hell
You are the most beautiful thing
That my eyes have ever been graced with
And its terrifyingly terrific
Because every time the sun sets
You always change
Thank you
For unlocking the door to my sealed memories
Happy ones
Lost ones
Ones where if I thought about it before
I wouldn't see the shade of happiness
Or taste the laughter
I'd just watch the sadness
Slide comfortably over my heart
I'm glad that you were the one to steal it
And my last breath
I'm grateful that you were the last thing I saw
Before I laid that old side down on a bed
Weaved and sown out of regrets and scars
Draped in sadness and anxiety
A grave fit for me
Thank you

Time
Has always been a bane in my existence
Counting down to when the sun rises
When my chest heaves
Tears filled with hours and minutes
The small squalor of morning
Hum of engines
The world spinning on an axle of time
Smooth click click
Of keys
A horn or so down the street
Someone's speeding again
The impending boom
The war horn of the crash
Signaling that the time for someone else's life
Is up

You hate that I wear your shirts
Specifically the ones that you got from being in the marines
Its just I don't know you

I never really did
So I wear your shirts because you've worn them
And I was hoping that the fibers would tell me who you were

The woven strands would tell me about your personality
The dyes would tell me about your past
A history written in cloth

The folded crisped sleeves
Telling me about what happened in the past ten years of not talking to each other
You see I **** at talking about what I'm feeling

The only proper way I can is spilling it through the tip of a pen
Or pouring it into a keyboard
I'm slowly reminded that your shirts don't take on a condescending tone

Telling me that I'm just a kid
Part of me was hoping that
Some kind of weird information transfer would happen

Your shirt and I would swap information
So the next time you put it on
(If I hadn't taken it with me)

Everything I've been through would swap into your head and be processed
And you'd stop calling me a little kid and you'd realize that
I **** at showing emotions and that you aren't a brother to me

You're a stranger
And you left
When you did I had to grow up because you were the first to go

Ten years ago you left and I don't hold anything against you because I don't know you
And my earlier memories are always swirling eddies
A fogged shower mirror that I can never make out

You left and when you did you left a child behind
Someone who still had chimed belled laughter
Will o the wisps smiles

Someone who treaded on pearl ingrained feet
But those pearls began to sink in and cut
Only to become blood rubies

Unforgivingly beautiful
And seductively painful
I walked back into your life on those ruby kissed feet  

I stood a little taller
My shoulders a little broader
My face a bit more graced with age

Hi

I'm your slightly older younger sister
How have you faired these past ten years?

(1). Loving you was like taking a rusted knife down the skin of my hope
And slowly flaying it approximately moving only two inches within every three minutes.

(2). If I could've I would have slapped you as hard as I possibly could the moment you wouldn't take your hands off of me only allowing it
Under the guise of "this is the way he shows he loves you."

(3). Trying to get you to let me love you to love me to love you
Was like trying to squeeze into a dress that was just one size too small

(3). The lines blurred halfway through the relationship and my tongue always felt too heavy when saying "I love you too"

(3). Trying to get your attention when it was something that I liked or it was something important to me
Was like going to the beach vacuuming up SAND and then putting it in my car and trying to get it out over the following few months. I never could just get it all at one time I'd find bits and pieces waiting for me.

(3). But there will forever be a small part of me that is just too naïve to not love you. Not the ******* that you turned into over those few years. No the person that I would always walk into gym with laughing the person I would continue to laugh with even after I got home. Who would notice my absence and when I wasn't in a room that I should've been in.

(4). You may have changed and that's granted just like the tides changing. But I think maybe if they could actually have a conscious they'd always remember where they came from.

(4). Just like how I remember where you came from still holding onto a little corner of hope. That maybe you'll wake up and realize that what you've become isn't good.

(4). But a crystal castle can shatter and I know you won't

(5). I knew that when I looked into your eyes and saw that candle flame wasn't there I should've left,

(6). Remember when I asked you how it would feel if I did this and you said not good. And then you turned around and did the same thing I didn't do. And then YOU had the nerve in hell to get mad at me. And because I'm easily intimidated you used that to your advantage. And soon enough you had me crying and crumpled apologizing to you. Because I remember that.

(7). When you said you loved me your lips were lined with sugar and ants were cascading off of your tongue. Every word you said was alive and stinging even when it was supposed to be accusingly soothing.

(8). When someone tells you that dating your birthday twin is "goals" it's not. And it will never be when their pH number starts to erode because of how acidic and toxic they've become. Don't listen it's a literal trap and I urge you to get out of that crumbling castle. Because you may think that stained glass is pretty when it catches the light but it'll never be pretty when it's coated in your blood.

(9). I don't hate you

(9). I don't hate you
I don't hate you
It's been a broken record repeating in my head because there are two sides that realize maybe I should maybe I even deserve to do so.

(10). I don't hate you and I don't love you anymore not like I used to I love a dead person and they'll always be close to me. But they won't keep me from moving on because I know that they'd want me to be happy. Now who you are is just someone who graces my keys. My nightmares and my pen. I told you once on a day that wasn't good for you. That if I had to write until my hand fell off all of the things I loved about you I would.
Every Christmas
Every thanksgiving
Every Easter
Every birthday that WE shared
  
(10). And even when I just wanted to see you smile. That was when I had a thirteen year old's unmarred un-abused bruised taken not  for advantage of heart. I loved you with a complete and innocent openness.
But now when I write about you there isn't a glimmer of warmth on a frost bitten day. And there's not a single cascaded bit of happiness.

(11). Thank you for reinforcing my appreciation of the little things that people do for me. And thank you for showing me how I should really be treated. Even though there were easier ways to do so. But sometimes if you're especially hard headed you gotta get hurt a little to know you should let someone go. Or even give up on the person they've become.