A piano plays softly through my ears
My fingers waltz along the keys
Splaying my life out into a symphony
Every note
Cool
Calm
Cultivated  
A captivated audience is a blind one
They can't see what's going on behind stage
The puppets that rise along their strings
Forever to be suspended in space
Controlled and motivated
As long as I'm behind this piano
Mesmerizing the audience
No one will ever see the pool of blood
Arcing along my high heeled clad feet
No one will notice my strained smile
Or the flashing glint
Knives of bone
Protruding from my finger tips
Pray tell
Might I play a song for you?

Quaking Earth shattering Revolting
And I'm in the middle of it
My heart is at least
I didn't realize or notice that it got so big able to lumber out of my chest
I guess that's ok because I can't do anything about it
Just like I couldn't do anything about the fire rising up behind "me"
You aren't with me I don't get to hear your laugh anymore
Sprinkling down through ivy covered walls
You aren't with me
I've realized that a lot
But I also realize that when I get up in the morning
Or in most cases never going to sleep to begin with
The moon a lovely
Complicit pale lover
Never questioning me
Never worrying me
Listening when I need to talk
And instead of telling me what to do
Or telling me what I'm doing wrong
it just listens
I knew it wasn't a mistake when I fell for your pale face
It was a mistake when I started liking someone
Who's face didn't stay impressively passive when looking at me
It was a mistake to fall out of orbit
For someone who never wanted to be free
From the confines of gravity
To  come into my sky
You know sometimes
I can still see your shadow
Just out of the corner of my eye
The way your hair would fall
How your eyes would even enrapture the sun
You aren't mine anymore
But the sun still deigns to rise
And the moon still loves me
I can't get back the love and adoration
I gave you over the past five years
And as I said I still see your shadow sometimes
But you aren't mine
And that's ok
Because even though you never cared
About being the meteor that knocked me out of orbit
I still cared about you being happy
Even when it wasn't with me
Even when it isn't with me
And each day since
I've gotten off of the ground
More and more
So thanks
For the broken insecurities
For the things that I never wanted
Thanks for submerging me into a vat
Made out of stress and emotional pain
Thanks
For the new sense of orbit
And the new outlook
And that sometimes
Dreams shatter
Possibilities shatter
But that's ok
Because when they shatter
The fractures
Lead to new doors

Smile
I'm lost inside of my head
Smile
The clouds have gotten even heavier
Smile
I don't remember how I got in here
Smile
How long has it been since this happened?
Smile
I can barely feel my face anymore
Smile
I can barely hear my thoughts anymore
Smile
I can't even feel my heartbeat anymore
Smile
It hurts
Smile
It hurts
Smile
It hurts so much
Smile
My lips crack blood cascading down my chin
Smile
In rivulets
Smile
It goes down my neck pasting my shirt against my skin
Smile
Boarding up the way out like plaster
Smile
Coppery metal salt
Smile
My teeth start breaking into Glacial shards
Smile
I can feel my muscles screaming in agony
Smile
My fingernails crack
Smile
The bone crowning the split flesh
Smile
Just smile…
It all goes away
Smile…

(1). Loving you was like taking a rusted knife down the skin of my hope
And slowly flaying it approximately moving only two inches within every three minutes.

(2). If I could've I would have slapped you as hard as I possibly could the moment you wouldn't take your hands off of me only allowing it
Under the guise of "this is the way he shows he loves you."

(3). Trying to get you to let me love you to love me to love you
Was like trying to squeeze into a dress that was just one size too small

(3). The lines blurred halfway through the relationship and my tongue always felt too heavy when saying "I love you too"

(3). Trying to get your attention when it was something that I liked or it was something important to me
Was like going to the beach vacuuming up SAND and then putting it in my car and trying to get it out over the following few months. I never could just get it all at one time I'd find bits and pieces waiting for me.

(3). But there will forever be a small part of me that is just too naïve to not love you. Not the ******* that you turned into over those few years. No the person that I would always walk into gym with laughing the person I would continue to laugh with even after I got home. Who would notice my absence and when I wasn't in a room that I should've been in.

(4). You may have changed and that's granted just like the tides changing. But I think maybe if they could actually have a conscious they'd always remember where they came from.

(4). Just like how I remember where you came from still holding onto a little corner of hope. That maybe you'll wake up and realize that what you've become isn't good.

(4). But a crystal castle can shatter and I know you won't

(5). I knew that when I looked into your eyes and saw that candle flame wasn't there I should've left,

(6). Remember when I asked you how it would feel if I did this and you said not good. And then you turned around and did the same thing I didn't do. And then YOU had the nerve in hell to get mad at me. And because I'm easily intimidated you used that to your advantage. And soon enough you had me crying and crumpled apologizing to you. Because I remember that.

(7). When you said you loved me your lips were lined with sugar and ants were cascading off of your tongue. Every word you said was alive and stinging even when it was supposed to be accusingly soothing.

(8). When someone tells you that dating your birthday twin is "goals" it's not. And it will never be when their pH number starts to erode because of how acidic and toxic they've become. Don't listen it's a literal trap and I urge you to get out of that crumbling castle. Because you may think that stained glass is pretty when it catches the light but it'll never be pretty when it's coated in your blood.

(9). I don't hate you

(9). I don't hate you
I don't hate you
It's been a broken record repeating in my head because there are two sides that realize maybe I should maybe I even deserve to do so.

(10). I don't hate you and I don't love you anymore not like I used to I love a dead person and they'll always be close to me. But they won't keep me from moving on because I know that they'd want me to be happy. Now who you are is just someone who graces my keys. My nightmares and my pen. I told you once on a day that wasn't good for you. That if I had to write until my hand fell off all of the things I loved about you I would.
Every Christmas
Every thanksgiving
Every Easter
Every birthday that WE shared
  
(10). And even when I just wanted to see you smile. That was when I had a thirteen year old's unmarred un-abused bruised taken not  for advantage of heart. I loved you with a complete and innocent openness.
But now when I write about you there isn't a glimmer of warmth on a frost bitten day. And there's not a single cascaded bit of happiness.

(11). Thank you for reinforcing my appreciation of the little things that people do for me. And thank you for showing me how I should really be treated. Even though there were easier ways to do so. But sometimes if you're especially hard headed you gotta get hurt a little to know you should let someone go. Or even give up on the person they've become.

"And when your fourth love leaves you. You will want to **** yourself, but you won't Because you no longer think of suicide as a house you will build one day" ~ Future Tense by Neil Hilborn.

I keep hoping
That if I keep writing enough about you
About us
What happened and what you did
It'll be written out of the existence of my conscious
That the memories will melt away
As if they were frost coated blades of grass
In a lukewarm spring morning
I care you know
About if you're happy now
Maybe
I keep hoping that if I bleed enough ink
Everything will finally stop
And fall
And reorder itself
That the past five years
Will fade out
Through the tip of this pen
The insecurities will be gone
The trauma will be gone
The memories will be gone
You'll be gone
For good
Never existing
A total and complete stranger
Because who you are now
Isn't who I first met
But that's life right?
People changed
I changed
And it hurt like hell
But after that
Everything melded
Faded together
The sun and moon
Will no longer fight for supremacy behind my closed eyelids
Sadness will finally move out of happiness's home
The unwanted roommate
Never paying their rent
Leaving behind tidbits of loneliness
That would always cover
Your vortex infused days of sun
Cozy winter mornings have reappeared
Snuggled in a blanket
Snow caressing my window sill
A gust turned into
An extinct lovers laugh
Because my days are brighter
My pen is lighter
And the ink that I've bled
Over the past five years
Has finally been staunched
From the incisions
On my ugly blue battered
Gun powder heart.

The promises you made
Above my grave
Seeped through the soil
The sky flared
Outlining your heart
Orange
Red
Green
Bleeding
Your tears fell to rest
On my skeletal tongue
Satisfying my dusted trachea
Morbid Moons
Dancing throughout
The Lilac sky
You've been here too long
And I believed every promise
That you sowed in my ribcage
So take what's left
Of my pressurized heart
Take your Lilac dipped lies
Tie them off
Sell them to another lover
Before morrow ends
Take my pen
Cast it out to sea
If only so it will bleed
All of the truths
That you  never confessed to me
And I to you
Because isn't that what's best?
Sugar coated lies
With honeyed eyes
And frayed rays of sunshine
Goodbye lovely
I'll see you another morrow
Once Apollo rises
And once Ra sets
After Luna shimmers in the sky
I'll wish you away
From the base of my grave

Hope

A fleeting tasteless thing
Something that used to be so full of flavor
Something that actually had a meaning
Causing my nervous system to spark
Stirring emotions through my body
Causing
God forbid
Emotions
But now it just feels like frost bite
And if I sit here long enough
That frostbite
Will slowly but steadily
Turn into hypothermia
And then I'll feel woozy
And then I'll feel warmer
They'll be calling ME the next tropical storm
I'll take off my clothes
Because I think that's what happens
When you start to freeze from the inside out
Hoarfrost cracking through my blood stream
I never thought it would end this way
But I guess it is a fitting death
For someone who's already frozen on the inside
It only needs to be completed
On the outside
From the beginning to the end
To the inside from the outside
Always fleeting
And never to be caged
Never to be obtained
Or granted
Or even achieved
That
Is what the simple
Four letter word
Hope
Means to me

I sliced through my ring finger
Stopping at the nerve in seventh
Seeing you is kinda like that sometimes
A not so good tingly nerve pain echoes through that hand
Going to that insignificant part that still cares
You were my first love how can I not
In faerie you've got to make due with what you have
I looked into iceberg blue eyes
Deep sea blue
From electrified gray
But only when there would be a storm a brew
Just my own tears I knew there wouldn't be any gentle voice
Laced with concern knew so well that there would just be an annoyed look
But now
I wake up to a deep forest green and a voice that's drowned in concern
Like tea steeped too long coating my worries into stardew for the sun to melt
Lulling me back to sleep a molten silver when you ask how my day was
A soft blue liquidized with worry when you heard me crying last night
It blended into a glowing cobalt after I told you it was stupid
I know that if you were here you would've tilted my chin up
And told me that nothing I could ever say would be stupid to you
And when I told you
You just told me that it was the sweetest thing ever
To know that I had a soft and caring heart
It shouldn't be
With years of crusted plaster over it
You seem to be taking a hammer and ice pick
Slowly cracking through those layers
Tender sunset kissed flesh beneath
A healthy heart
That isn't entirely shattered
I tried to keep it safe for as long as I could
I think
That it worked
Because the blood is still rushing
And I wake up to you
Asking me how I slept
And my heart speeds up
So I guess I did something right
In ending up on this twisted road to you

Some say
That a picture is worth a thousand words
But what if each word
Was worth a thousand pictures?
That every single piece you write
Contains an amber memory
An emotion stained shard of glass
In the word "love"
An aching heart in the word restart
A laugh sown into the hollow of your smile
A desperate sense of awe and kindled fear
In the knowledge of what we write
Will out live us
That in a sense we artists
Who rip their chests open
Warranting our sorrows and joys onto the world
We bare our arms
We show our scars
Some of us to feel like we aren't alone
Others to be a light in someones darkest corner
A warm pulsating orb
To be here
To show
You aren't alone
That we're here
Bracing your heart against the hurricane


Some say that a picture is worth a thousand words
But what if each word
Is worth a thousand pictures?

Pray tell
Did your soul join the fish
When you died?
Did your lies swim within the same water
I've wondered about death
As everyone else does
Maybe
If I plucked off your scales one by one
They'd tell me
The answers ingrained on the fleshy backs
Blood dripping from your tail
I know you thought that
In dying
Peeling off your mortal shell
Leaving the muscles behind
Snapping the tendons connecting your bones
That you could get away from me
That you could leave me with unanswered questions
To be sown for another person
Passed on
But even now I've hunted you down
I've snared your soul
While you took another form
So simple
Granted even pretty
But now I've flayed your scales
I've split your tail in half
Seeking the answers to my questions
Some sort of comfort
Some sort of warmth
From the blood
Your blood
Seeping through my skin
Pleasantly warm
I see your large eye
Glassed over
Its amusing
They used to be so blue
With sharp cheek bones beneath them
But now they've just been angled
The flesh silver instead of a healthy pink
Fingers replaced with fins
Memories replaced with bubbles
Pray tell
Do your memories swirl in the vortex of under currents?
Am I down there?

I love your eyes
I really do I don't tell you that often
If I made an honest love poem
It would be me telling you
That I wanna ****** you
With the simplicity of words and imagery
To paint the finest things that you've ever seen
Only using a flourish of an ink pen
Things that we both relate to
That we both see
I don't wanna just ****** what's in your pants
Honestly I could care less about that
I don't give a **** about it
Because love
I wanna ****** your soul
I wanna be the pied piper
That causes your laughter to dance
Through the roiling green mountain doors
Over the crooked floor
If you ever feel like you're falling
Its fine
I'm just your safety line in a roaring sea
At least I thought I was
Right now I can't really tell if you've turned into the sea
And I've turned into a helpless overboard passenger
But I know that I wanna name each and every single laugh
After a fallen star
Not the stars that sing
Prancing on the silver lined edge of a stage
The stars that tell us secrets
But only the ones who listen long enough
Patiently waiting
For knowledge to bestow their ears
That's what I wanna hear from your laugh
I wanna be dumbstruck
Simply because you smiled at me
The wind never blows against you
Or away from you
Because you
That's just how amazing you are  
That it curls and follows at your heels
That it wants to follow you
And when you snicker
Heaven collapses
And hell
Hell implodes
Because the devil himself
He gets down on his knees because your snicker
Is just so holy that heaven can't exist because of it
And hell can't coincide peacefully with it
Because it'll never be able to pump out enough evil
To even conquer the pureness
Or to even hope to defeat
The wholesome goodness of that single snicker
That I out of all of the people on this planet
Have gotten you to emit
Thank you for making my frost bitten days warm again

You hate that I wear your shirts
Specifically the ones that you got from being in the marines
Its just I don't know you

I never really did
So I wear your shirts because you've worn them
And I was hoping that the fibers would tell me who you were

The woven strands would tell me about your personality
The dyes would tell me about your past
A history written in cloth

The folded crisped sleeves
Telling me about what happened in the past ten years of not talking to each other
You see I **** at talking about what I'm feeling

The only proper way I can is spilling it through the tip of a pen
Or pouring it into a keyboard
I'm slowly reminded that your shirts don't take on a condescending tone

Telling me that I'm just a kid
Part of me was hoping that
Some kind of weird information transfer would happen

Your shirt and I would swap information
So the next time you put it on
(If I hadn't taken it with me)

Everything I've been through would swap into your head and be processed
And you'd stop calling me a little kid and you'd realize that
I **** at showing emotions and that you aren't a brother to me

You're a stranger
And you left
When you did I had to grow up because you were the first to go

Ten years ago you left and I don't hold anything against you because I don't know you
And my earlier memories are always swirling eddies
A fogged shower mirror that I can never make out

You left and when you did you left a child behind
Someone who still had chimed belled laughter
Will o the wisps smiles

Someone who treaded on pearl ingrained feet
But those pearls began to sink in and cut
Only to become blood rubies

Unforgivingly beautiful
And seductively painful
I walked back into your life on those ruby kissed feet  

I stood a little taller
My shoulders a little broader
My face a bit more graced with age

Hi

I'm your slightly older younger sister
How have you faired these past ten years?

I can thread it through my fingers
Running it in between my fingers
Going over the material of events
Perpetually stargazing what went wrong
Maybe because we were both Scorpios
That's why it didn't work out
Our stingers would both fight for supremacy never getting along
I was always debating every possibility every wrong turn every right turn
Hell even the left turns and the right turns and the U turns
I always wanted to have a plan A
And C
And B
And Z
But I know that even with all of my plans I still had the main plan to love you
So much so
That I loved you better than I ever loved my cracked reflection
The lines spreading out from my eyes
Grazing my throat like a choker that always fit too snuggly
Seeing you is like seeing a quicksilver flash
Just pain and happiness holding hands and dancing in a circle
Making love in sweet July rain
You were always the crashing thunder
I was always the lighting
Illuminating what you never wanted to show me
Because you put me in a glass case
Not because you thought I was delicate
Too delicate for this world
Or because I was a shining object graced by time
You were putting me behind that door
So when you walked away I wouldn't be able to follow
Locked away to be stared at whenever
Avoided after
But I think you forgot
We both kinda forgot
That lighting strikes back
And when I finally got fed up with your ****
I destroyed that glass case
And handed you your *** and never gave you what you wanted
Which was funnily enough
Me
But I was tired of that and I got exhausted from always putting you first
So I decided to break it
And yes
It cut deep
But after everything I've seen
Those shimmering shards that drew my blood
Used it as paint on yet another one of life's canvases
Was worth it
So take as much as you need

"You're gonna die ******* laugh" ~ Hasan Minhaj Homecoming King

Laugh you ******
At least this is what I think when I'm trying to get someone to laugh
We all die its gonna happen
Whether you die today or die tomorrow

LAUGH

Don't force it either it has been proven that forcing laughter
Is actually unhealthy for you
I'm not really sure how it works If it stacks up or not

LAUGH

Maybe I'd just have to find out but I also remember
That I've been twisting and pinning my laughter up at the edges
I've been orchestrating the downfall of my vocal chords for so long

LAUGH

There is not a more convincing sound in the world but my laugh
Two things woven together seamlessly
False and true have blended into a new vocal sound for maybe

Maybe its Maybelline
Maybe its sadness and happiness
Twirling each other around on the dance floor

LAUGH

Just laugh today alright?

Take a breath for just a second
And try to remember the warmth of being content and ok

Or if you're eating french fries
Take two and tuck them under your upper lip
Go look in the mirror cause now you're a walrus

And remember.

You're gonna ******* die and time runs through your laughs

So laugh while you still can

And not giggling from your grave cause no one can hear you

LAUGH

Blood dripping from the lustful sword
Forged in the eddies of hell
The lives of men beckoning
At every moment and turn
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
But it's never enough
Its thirst is never quenched
Forever parched
Dustier than a desert plain
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
A thousand have been felled
Stalks of wheat in the wind
And I the wielder
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
Am not even safe
As the blade turns inward
Piercing my chest
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
Cutting through my heart
As if it were ashes
Latching on and drinking its fill
Blood dripping from the lustful sword
I crumple
I fall
The hand that has fed it  
Has in turn been bitten

The sun beats
Chloroplasts frolick
Greedy alcoholics

Addicted
To the root stretch feel
Of growth

As neurons
Are ever attentive
Picking up new signs

Surveying others
Gentle kisses
Pressed from the lips of fall

Not a warning
More of a promise
Of a soon to return chill

I spun a fine metal string
I took four corners of my heart
Smoothing them out
With rarely loving hands
I attached the key to my newly minted kite
Out into the storm I swirled
Climbing the glass hill
So many fine lined fractures
I could find at least several sonnets
If only I stooped low enough to read
But alas I've crested my checkpoint
Outstretched you are
Thunderheads dominating the sky
Flashes of light
But my heart still flies on
Unhindered
Paper thin
Right where it's supposed to be
The key flailing gaily
Pure darkness
But sometimes darkness
It can be the brightest thing ever
And it's finally struck its mark
The X has been found
The electricity outlining your delicate veins
I never realized how pretty you were
Smoke curls out of my mouth
Stunned and dazed
Tendrils flowing freely
Dregs of adrenaline
Flooding out of my system  
I never knew that I could feel this way
I never knew
As I lay upon the ground
Watching my hearted kite drop gracefully
Shriveled and burned to a crisp
How important you were to me
Until we were struck
So in our dying moments as you finally reach me
I fold my arms carefully across you
Pressing you into my chest as if I could undo what I did
And we watch the storm rage
As everything slowly melts
Into a velvety soft black
And as one


We stop beating

Roses are red
Violets are blue
And karma
Is gonna ******* too
It however may not be today
It may not be tomorrow
But before my final breath
Curls out of my mouth like a wisp of smoke
It will be granted
A Genie lamp rubbed
And the only wish used
Will be the taste of your marrow
Whetting my appetite
Into a frenzy
They always said
That revenge
Made a cold bed fellow
But I digress
Its hot coca
In the middle of my tundra

It’s a little hard to admit
Sometimes when I see you
Something
Something still speeds up
Something still recognizes you
Not you but who you used to be and I realize
With a calm cynical cascade of frost
That my life is a lot better without you in it
And I fought you
I fought you on every single inch
But something I've realized
Is that the way you went about it was wrong
You wanted me to let you go but you did it the wrong way
When someone is fighting you and you know that they adore you
Like you were the very last barely running fountain
IN HELL
But you still negated the discomfort
I told you from day one when you wanted to leave
TELL ME
I'd stop pushing my own head underwater
Barely succeeding
In making you happy and what you needed
You belittled me
(I let you)
Only needing me whenever you were feeling insecure about yourself
Yes it would've hurt when you left but what hurts
What hurts
What hurts more is
You
You took the time to grow fangs
You drained my personal vat of happiness
But you left the one for your own
Alone
You took your claws and shredded my own common sense
That you got me so used to it
That I let you
That I automatically would think
"this is how I should be treated."
And if any guy was nice to me after we broke up
I'd think
"What the actual hell are you doing? Do you want something from me?!"
I took a human kindness as someone just talking to me
For profit….
But you
You burned everything away
You smiled
And knew that if you could turn this fierce of a lover
Into that fierce of a self destructive soldier
Face caked in grime
Boots grown out of blood
Sleeves stained red
All of this from a war with myself
And I don't know when the bomb
Stuffed with self loathing
Stopped dropping
I don't know when the bangs in my head
Stopped
But I know that loving you was the hardest thing I put myself through
But I also know
Even though it was my own self created hell
I've changed for the better
I may not be happier
But I've changed

I sit outside
Gazing up at the sky
I find myself wondering if there's even a way
To get this last week to sip bourbon
Just so it'll be too drunk to find its way home
And in its intoxicated judgement it'll choose to stay
Add on a few more days to this death sentence
Just a few more sunsets is all I want
A few more sips of your laugh to get me tipsy
If I followed the curved road of your shoulder blades
Would it get me back to the beginning of june?
As to avoid the emerald colors of prancing fall
Who will soon give way to swooning winter
With its gusts of cold love and bitter affection

I turn my volume up
Till the voices slowly fade into gray
My heart marches
Along a solidified line of doom
Representation of how the phrase
"I'm fine" is pinned into the center
So instead of just saying it
When my heart beats each time
Eighty beats a minute
It'll say it too
It'll believe it too
So that means I'll believe it
When it croaks from my throat
Searing a path
Burning dishonesty
I have to
When it traces the seams
Of my most vital *****
Besides my brain
But that's fine my brain is taken care of too
Its got the shining
Defiantly bright
Undimming
Tattered word
"Happy"
Swathed around the Cerebrum
Happy
Crusted into the grooves of cerebellum
Happy
And entombed into the brainstem
Happy
I'm happy
I'm fine
I'm happy
My crumpled and wrinkled soul knows differently
So many holes
In this black stained fabric
Moths of self consciousness
Fluttered wings and feasting teams
I'm happy
I'm fine
I smile
I believe it



Almost...

Mushrooms

They're a tricky sort
I thought that these were the ones
That were safe to eat
But now I've kinda  tripped over my untied shoe lace
And into this vortex of color
Spinning down the base of the funnel
Down a multi colored memory lane
Up the base of a skeletons tap dancing spine
Over I went
And across I go
Pulled under by a pulsating fist of color
I honestly shouldn't have eaten it I guess
Isn't that how most things start out?
I didn't think that it would've been that bad of an idea
I see your smile in the fading rays of a neon rainbow
I smell your laugh as the first rain droplets splatter
Onto this earths crust
I keep swirling through these doorways of color
I'm trying to debate on whether or not I wanna be here
I don't have that much of a choice
Because I watch as my being shatters into three dimensional cubes
Memories splayed out on their surfaces
Regrets on the bottom face
Happiness on the top face
Sadness on the side
And rage remains on the last face
And in the center of that cube
Lays aspirations and dreams
Hopes and wants and needs
These are a few of my favorite things
My past is melting into a shaded future
God I should've checked
Before I let my hunger get the best of me
These colors sharpen my memories
The ones that already hurt without needing help
They soften the bitter edges
A cacophony of impossibility
I think I like mushrooms

The longer I drink from your life source
The more it soothes my vanilla charred nerves
As I sip from the forbidden goblet
Searing down my throat
Love can be a balm
Healing
Mending
But too much of it can be a poison
I keep sipping
Watching the rain streak down the window
Almost able to feel the pitter patter
On my clam frozen skin
Maybe if I drink enough
My hands will stop shaking
When I spread them
I see the silver bells dangling from them
Softer and lighter than any fairies laugh could be
The flavor of your dreams coats my tongue
Oh what it is to be so young
I sit back
Watching the ashes dance  
Steam wafting up to my nose
I saw your last breath
Before I saw your eyes glaze
Turning into vacant mirrors
And it was pure joy
Wrapped in a package
Taped with bones
Oh
What it was to be young again.

Twisting turning
Tempest of night
Give me a light
Guide my way tonight
Let me see
The darkest that you could be
Take your skeletons out of the closet
If only so they can alight
To never be a problem for morrow  
Satisfy my eyes with your pretty face
While I ignore the rotting grace
Ever so eternal
A floral shirt lazing in the wind
Whenever did we start
Wherever did we end?
A jaded over happy face  
Your body already half way into the grave
I tried
I did
You were supposed to stay
So when the last ember in my body
Started to wane
You would be the one to lay me down to die
Mourn my vacant shell
Yeast like lungs that won't rise
Fresh tilled soil
Slowly starting to decay from the inside
Careful tending fingers
That will no longer get to learn
The shape of your face
Or the edge of your jawline
Or the lines in your smile
Skin that caves in
That comes away on my fingertips
Like dough
You and I
It seems
We were never supposed to make it
So close to being looped
To forever fake it
You faded through my present
And into my past
I've chemically bonded with the future
Content to stay here.
Forever barred and bonded

The dying rays of the sun
Reaching up to kiss its pink tinged clouded lovers
Blue powdered sky dancing behind
Stealing its breath
And unknowingly
Stealing mine
Sweeping my heart away
With the very last ray
Just to do it again
Taking my eyes and filling them
Pitchers full of awe and delighted shock
Because holy hell
You are the most beautiful thing
That my eyes have ever been graced with
And its terrifyingly terrific
Because every time the sun sets
You always change
Thank you
For unlocking the door to my sealed memories
Happy ones
Lost ones
Ones where if I thought about it before
I wouldn't see the shade of happiness
Or taste the laughter
I'd just watch the sadness
Slide comfortably over my heart
I'm glad that you were the one to steal it
And my last breath
I'm grateful that you were the last thing I saw
Before I laid that old side down on a bed
Weaved and sown out of regrets and scars
Draped in sadness and anxiety
A grave fit for me
Thank you

OK so as an avid book lover when I find a series that I really. Really get attached to and I can read it over five times and still enjoy it. (Yes I have done that before.) It is great. Now that being said I have a series its a really good series. You don't need to know the name of it or such. But that's not the point this series officially has four books. Four books. Now there's no problem with that. BUT. There is the first three books. You know what. Anyone in here watch Naruto? Or read it. You know all of those useless episodes. Or how its like dragon ball Z where it takes five episodes in the order of. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. SCREAMING.  Kick. Well back to my point. The first three books. Are all over three hundred pages. And this by far is my favorite series. So I loved the first three books. But I wasted my money on the fourth. I was so ready. I waited two years. Two literal years. Pre ordered it. Paid express two day shipping. Just to get a thin book. By thin I mean it was barely over two hundred pages. And it was just. Just. It was bull! I waited two years. I waited two years for an official release date. Then I waited to see the cover. And it looked beautiful but it was just a sugar coated lie covered in fire ants! I wanted to see what happened between Nesta and Cassian I wanted to see if my ship sailed. I wanted to see if Elain picked Azriel over Lucien. I didn't care about Feyre and Rhys having a kid. That was bound to happen. I didn't care about a painters studio being opened. Not when all of you just fought against Hybern and barely lived! I wanted MORE THAN THIS. Instead you just left me disappointed and unsatisfied. This fourth book was like anyone of you. Wondering out of bed. Getting something out of the fridge. Putting it in the fridge and listening as it makes the loudest sounds ever almost waking up the whole house. You burn your finger a bit getting it out. You get a spoon or a fork and you start eating. Just to find out that its cold. It is colder than the iciest depths of Antarctica. This is what that book was like. Can you feel my disappointment rolling off in bone crushing waves?!

Her lips awoke the sleeping city.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city.
And
When she spoke.
They lost everything they had ever had.
Dreamt of aspired to claim.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city.
Buildings collapsed families fell apart.
But her lips still awoke the sleeping city
And how could they not?
Even within the safety of the day no one dared to ignore the words that crested and tumbled out of her mouth.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city
Soothing the restless and striking fear into the hearts of the rich
Her lips awoke the sleeping city
And sometimes the best thing to use to awake a sleeping city
Sung and rocked to sleep by a lullaby of soft lies and twisted grins and crossed fingers behind backs.
Is the truth
So when her lips awoke the sleeping city
It was as if a finely second crafted skin had been peeled off.
Her lips awoke the sleeping city.

Roses
Sugary morsels
Chocolates
Teddys

How original
And romantic
I sigh
For the fourth time

I think
That I would much rather
Spend my valentine's day
Counting the flecks
Of grey in their eyes

How many times I've heard this laugh
I don't have a disdain for this love
That I've acquired
How many unfinished letters

Poems
Hearts

That they'll receive
Glass droplets
Containing every sweet moment
Cloves

For the moments that haven't been so sweet
Mint for keeping cool
Most of the times
And talking things out

Sage for the fights that we've come back from
A greater sense of understanding towards each  other
Lavender laze
For sleepy mornings

Hazy nights
For one's delight

I am going to kiss the moon tonight

In my room by the sea
I counted the minutes between
The water cascading over my roof
Tangled seaweed
Kelp
Flitting
Dancing
Brine crusting lungs
Pieces flaking off every time I exhale
I used to hate the smell of the ocean
How it would burn my nostrils
Close up my throat
Sting my eyes
The sand rubbing my skin raw
A smooth eloquent mix of blood
But now
I'm fine
I've been down here so long
I don't have anything to go crazy about
The soothing noise of the sea
Has just become blank to me
Tugging tides
Frayed lines
Somehow
I manage
To find solidarity
In these sea-foam lies
Dear me
How comforting

I messed up
I loved you I'm sorry
It wasn't a mistake
Confirming it for you
Would only force me to acknowledge its existence
I'm on my knees
I shed a few tears
They slide down my face
Off of my chin
And in between my splayed hands
Shards of glass kissing my palms
Blood and tears rejoicing
I dug this grave
I stand up
I drop myself into it
I smile
Heaving up my brown crumbled blanket
Over my waist
Up to my collarbone
And over my head
The dirt absorbing the blood from the hole in my chest
I heard glass shatter
I felt a crack
I've been here before
Heard that sound before
Looking over my shoulder it hits me
You'll be here but I won't take that up
Father time gave me a specific amount
I probably shouldn't have
I spent it with you
While planning things in the background
Ribbons and pretty flowers twine up through the dirt
I close my eyes
One last breath escapes
One last bitter smile
Resentment towards myself
My fears
My insecurities
Not to mention how stubborn I am
I'll look happy but when you exhume my grave
Knock on my chest
You'll find a resounding hollowness
Bestowed by my own actions
What pretty flowers for such a sorrowful soul

The first time I got *******
I told you that I loved your eyes
Because I could see my reflection in your left
And our past in your right
You laughed and told me to just shut up
Because I couldn't tell left from right
Loving you was kinda like that
I could never tell left from right
I could never tell right from wrong
And I could never quite tell
If you loved me or not
You see when I was drunk
Everything was marked up
"I love you" was stained with pretty colors
And purple bruises  
Sharp edges  that always cut when hugged
Hands that always squeezed too tight
When I wasn't drunk I couldn't stomach being with you
Your affection always ended up crashing like glass it was never real or true
It was false
Cheap plexiglass
It was supposed to keep me from falling
But now my blood rains down with shards that fall down to the ground
Crystal stained rain
Pretty to look at
Harsh to touch
That's like what loving you was like
A stained porthole of worry and doubt
Longing and rejection
False laughs and artificial sunlight
I always wondered if you dipped our happiest moments in sugar
It was only confirmed when fire ants started to eat me alive
The minute you slid that slipper onto my foot
I thought that it was something perfect
Until it became stained with my blood
Different shades of red
A sick blue
A fractured pane of glass is all I see
As the color slips through it
Silkier then a lovers laugh

If I lose my memory
Tell me
About the love I lost before that
When I lose my memory
Remind me that I always loved your smile
When edges dog ear
Crease
And
Crumple
Slowly wearing down
Remind me what snow smells like
Remind me that I gave my all
To watch it blow away
I want you to tell me that I opened a door during a game
And you were behind it
Granted you were trying to stab me
How romantic
Show me
That sometimes our all isn't enough
And that people can't change
And that's alright
Because some pain isn't eternal
That some of these scars will fade
It just takes time
Tell me because I don't remember
That when the hands of time fall off of my clock
And the pendulum stops swinging
Your laugh picks those hands up
And slowly starts making them tick again
And your smile starts swinging my pendulum heart back and forth again
Remind me
When I'm a little bit older
And If I lose my memory
That you'll be there on the floor with me
Head to head
Cupping my trembling hands
Tucking that loose strand behind my ear
That you'll be there
To help me remember
That I loved you
Show me how to love you again
When I lose my memory
Remember
I've loved you from the second I met you
I didn't know
But it was there
Just remember for me
I love you

Four days

On the first
Pitch wolves cried out
Running away from the unruly threats

On the second
Demons left
Their human attachments behind

The thirds shade
Fell behind the tavern door
Systematically infusing its own atoms

With the roughened ale stained planks

On the fourth sun
Loved ones crumbled
The bell tolled eight

Every twin died

That's when the moon
Resplendent in the fade of sorrow
Quaked its mourn

A slate
Chipped
Missing half an edge

Gorged
Strikes
Careening

Down its scarred surface
Strikes scored into the face

Fives

Tens

The chalk caves into my fingertips

Crooning
Proud
Arrogant

Too high in the clouds
Icarus returns
An encore

Only to burn
For another turn

Cortana
How may I assist you?
How long does it take to heal a broken heart?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
How long does it take to regain broken trust?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
How may I assist you?
how long does it take to heal?
Cortana
I don't know how to help with that
Cortana
Why can't I talk straight?
Cortana
I don’t know how to help with that
Cortana
why do my words trip and stumble out of my mouth?
Crashing faster than the snow from an avalanche
Roiling down the mountainside
Cortana
Error
Cortana
How do I fix myself?
Cortana
Error

I’m afraid of heights. But I don’t fear falling. Falling is a freedom that’s never failed to run away from me when I’ve given chase. Falling is the wind in my hair. Clothes ruffling. The pure feeling of exhilaration. Of knowing that there’s still fear under that energy. What am I going to fall into? Or on? Is my body going to hit the pavement? Blood blossoming around me as if an artist spilled a can of paint. And I just happened to fall into it. Except my body will relax. Whatever feelings I had. Whatever thoughts I had leaked out through that pool of blood around me. And in my last moments of comprehension I can tell that it’s darker than I expected it to be.  But it’s still the same. It hasn’t changed any. I always fall into the pavement. It opens its arms as if it were a long lost friend. Calling my name. Making promises of peace and clarity. Promises that no one will be depending on me if I just come into its arms. That I can sleep and not have my dreams plagued with locusts of worry. And grief. And over thinking. So when I found myself falling again. I leaned back into the feeling. I leaned back into the wind relishing the feel of its fingers in my hair. Relishing the feeling of this peace. How could you have peace while you’re falling. I’m not sure anymore. My fear of falling the healthy fear of falling and colliding into something. Has been stripped away. Stripped away like an apple being peeled. Or cheese being grated into finer layers. I don’t fear it. I welcome it. With open arms. And an open. Still intact unscrambled mind. So when I fall through the sky. I only regret. That it’ll be over soon. This addicting feeling of freedom this adrenaline rush. Will be spread out in a bloodied halo around my head. And that’s the only thing I regret. That it can’t last forever. But alas all good things must come to an end. So I close my eyes. Inhale deeply knowing the impact is going to come soon. And hang onto the remnants of this wonderful. Blissful feeling. And then it happens. I hit something. And instead of it being concrete. I find that it’s another body. Another faller I guess. So when I open my eyes. Expect to see blood around me. But instead I see blue eyes. Not just blue eyes. Blue eyes that aren’t glazed over. Blue eyes that weren’t gifted the kiss of death. Eyes that are alive. And are also as confused as I am. Instead of falling into the opened arms of the soft gray pavement I’ve fallen into a person. A person who just tells me. That it isn’t time. To die. To come back. And fall again. That I have something to do and people that need me. And I need to wait for that feeling. I need to wait and stop craving it because I’ve become too addicted to the euphoria of it. It’s time to take my head out of the wind and sky. And come back to earth and live. I actually sigh at this. I sigh in annoyance. And roll my eyes. Because how dare they. That’s why. So hand in hand with this blue eyed stranger I go. Down a road carved and sculpted from the wind. From the stars. And from the ageless eternity of night. To whoever apparently needs me. While I shake trying to stave away the callings and whispers of the wind. Begging me to come and join it. To come back and dance the waltz that never ends. But with my hand in theirs. I’m anchored here and I can’t. So for now I block it out and keep walking. To the light that needs me. Because (apparently). I’ve chosen to live even before this day. And even before this exceptionally weird fall. I chose to live.

So I will.

So there I sat
Watching the mat
Unravel and ravel itself

Confident in its weathered fibers
More stains
Than the weary could carry

Chills seeping out
From once passed
Winters marching in solidarity

Deep ruts of snow
Lovingly folding in on each other
While flurries fly

With a child brew mischief
Autumn swarays
Prancing ablaze

While the ladies abroad
Exhale their feathered haze
The gents down low

Noses alight with a healthy glow
When all has been honed
Only then will it show

Dear humans.
We’ve seen your twerking and “hoverboards”
We aren’t  impressed.
Dear humans
We’ve seen your people and their ideals.
Dear humans
Those same ideals that have gotten a “thing” as we will not insult the tiny humans that you call five year olds. The “thing” now runs your country.
Dear humans
We’ve seen your girl the one who would. In the correct term “meet me outside, what do you think about that.”
Dear humans
We’ve seen how you destroy your planet. (Now not some of you). And then complain about how getting things the natural way would leave eyesores like wind turbines. But we really do mean to ask you. What happens when your whole planet turns into one big eyesore.
Dear humans
We want to say
That we will never contact you.
We may leave you evidence the evidence that we exist.
But we NEVER want to CONTACT YOU.
Bye for now.
Dear humans.

Dark and Deep
And it hides between the sheets
Dark and deep
Deep in the sheets of your mind at least
Dark and Deep
You wanted to hide
Dark and deep
We know you tried
But you can’t hide
Dark deep you know you tried
But there’s no escape
Dark and deep
Your mind haunts you in your sleep
Running
Dark
And
Deep