Today I am at peace

I released a few crippling thoughts
and the apologies I finally wanted to give
It brings a smile to my face how each day felt like a race up until this moment
I feel calm and serene
For once I don't want to shout or fall down and scream
And I thank you for being willing to listen

My heart can’t take another moment
The beats are slowing
It has exploded

I’ve contemplated drugs.
Heroine, LSD, *******,
Anything that could maybe numb the pain.

I’ve contemplated leaving.
The state, the country,
But I’m only deceiving.

I’ve thought about the facts.
Rolling over them in my head,
There’s no way to go back.

I lost myself some time ago.
I can impress but not connect...
I have many masks, tomorrow I’ll pick a new row.

I slowly forget the way you rubbed my skin
The way we snuck around
And all our sin
But as much as I say I’m moving on
It’s harder than it seems
Because to you I’m drawn
And all the thoughts that encompass me
Are simply of you
And what we used to be
I miss the bliss I felt from your lips
And the pump of adrenaline
When you’d grab my ribs
There’s something sacred about what we had
I can’t explain it
So good yet so bad

You were heaven
And I was hell
I miss you now
Even my soul I’d sell
To get you back for one more night
To lay with you
From dark till light

I wish at the time I had told you how I felt
But I guess my guilt is stronger than I meant
You made my heart melt my love
But I couldn’t keep it safe
Like a bird taking flight it flew through empty space
And no matter how fast I ran I could never catch your wings
So now I train every day through the sun and the rain to catch up to the things I lost when you left
The only theft was me robbing myself of you by letting you go and repelling you slowly
I didn’t mean to push you away I just want you to stay but it gets easier by the day getting over you
Maybe it wasn’t mean to be but honestly I would gladly blindly follow you for eternity
Something about you tugs at my soul and I can’t seem to feel whole without you
I know it will never be you and me but I’ll chase the wind daily until just maybe I can catch a glimpse of your soaring wings above me

If the world is water
Then I am the flame
If something goes wrong
I am always to blame
I fear for my life
In this miserable place
I wonder at night
If I’m merely a disgrace

In empty moments I cry
Tears made of ash
And in the mornings
They litter the floor like trash

No one is interested
No one cares to see
That the fire burning inside
Is what makes me, me

I try to convince them
That I’m worth the fight
I may burn you in the end
But in the dark I am your light

You once wrote of life without me

You mentioned, "our eternal love for one another"
And yet some how eternal was far shorter than expected

I was upon the water when I was with you
Now I drown beneath the waves
With low tide no where in site

I was far more in your reach than you knew
But I suppose we will never know what could have been
I forget what it is like to breathe above the liquid loss I feel without you beside me
And no matter how many times I tell myself that I will be okay and I will move on
There are still times that my heart breaks and shatters and I shriek into the endless sky
Far more endless without you

What we had was infinity and now it is so finite
The further we got the more it crumbled in my hands
And I am so sorry
And I am so sad
And I am so stupid for letting my emotions take control and ruin what we had

We were the future
And we were the Omega

Now we are the past
And now we are history