I had been left out of the life that I had made my life about.
Now I feel outta my skin-  an invisible wife.

I was well once
I was soft once
No bouts of crazy once
No Bipolar once

The anger grows larger than the hurt.
The tide changes, disappointment floats away.
Resentment seeps in deep, to the marrow, and takes it's place.

Toe the line, keep the peace
lay brick and mortar higher
do not proceed.
For fair is my heart and weary am I
of the anger that follows the deed.
I hear the warning from my heart
but I don't wish to flee.
Trying to hammer down the wall,
the masonry, that encircles me.

Time is burning like a candle, the flame dancing next to my bed.
And, somewhere in my mind I am searching, 'round the many corners in my head.
And, somewhere in my mind I'm seeing, lovers, ghosts of who we used to be.
And, somewhere in the night I smile, as I rescue moments from my memory.
Somewhere in the night I'm racing, reaching out to catch your falling star.
Grasping at it with eager hands, only to drop my own fragile heart.

I am always waiting for the struggle to stop. I realize though, it's never going to stop.
The struggle is the challenge, it's not just the getting through.
it's learning how to manage-
this life.
Even making all these mistakes that I do.
And staying humble, always humble and remembering
that The Lord is in charge.
Not me. Not you.

If we knew what our soul looked like.
If we understood just how beautiful we are.
Idleness and low self esteem would be replaced with,
Love, ambition and a heart full of fire.

I am seen when he wants to see me.
When he is angry or ambivalent,
I am iridescent.
The more I try to shine for him
the easier it is for him to see right through me.
He has stolen my colors.

I used to feel that way.
All I needed
was your kiss.
I used to feel that way.
Only to touch your lips.
I used to talk with you
We used to live and laugh.
I'd never thought
we would burn out and crash.
I never saw it coming
never thought I would fall
out of love, out of your arms,
out of it all.
I used to walk toward you,
now, it seems you're further away.
I can't seem to reach you,
So, maybe I will just stay.
I used to feel that way.
I used to feel that way.

I loath the part of me,
that cannot intercede,
with the part of you-
that has no need
for me.

I have been alone most of my life.
Every now and then someone would walk in, cup my chin,
give me a moments peace from the anxiety of living and not knowing how my day would end.
I could close my eyes, measured breathing into sleep.
I would dream for days, breaking only to sup and eat.
I could forget my sin and remember my goodness.  
A reprise. No need for forced politeness.
It was a break. No moving forward. Without or within.

Then, one day, I would think that I could awake, unlock my heart and carefully peer outside.
But every time my benefactor would be gone, and I was alone again.

After the rain, came the heavy snow.
Falling with silent thuds through the trees,
the bush and below.
Muffled crunches of boot ensconced children
zipping up parkas against flakes by the million.
Stillness in my heart slipping through the broken parts,
dripping to the snow in colors of blue and vermillion.
The quiet flakes gently holding my confusion and loneliness.
Caressing my cheeks as a mother would to her child crying
in whispered tearfulness
A painful summer ambled slowly away leaving a far fairer autumn
but as winter and her snows knocked at my door, the mountain beckoned, and I lost him.

Knowledge in the deep places
The hard to reach places
The hard to read places
Knowledge at the end
With the endings
Only then
Wisdom with the years
After the tears
Beyond the fears
Wisdom will be there.
Courage at the depth
The bottom of the soul
Of the spirit
Courage in a breath
Loving in the light
Bodies at the height
together
Loving in the night
Loving again
After it's right
...Always loving

Knowing turned to loving
Loving turned to comfort
Comfort turned to silence
Silence turned to hurt