I must stop living within the feeling of this lie
That's why I'm here, to finally say Goodbye.

The lie: I am still in love with you
Deep down I know... that simply isn't true

Yes, I think about you every single day...
But you only exist in my mind, that's where you live, it's where you stay

Even further, it really isn't "you" that lives within me
A truth sometimes I force myself not to see

For you see, it can't be you that my emotions adore,
It has been over two years... I don't know "you" anymore
Although the you is so real in my head,
I understand the you I loved is long gone ... dead.

Therefore I can't love you Lindsey
Because "you" only exist in my head, as a memory
To be honest, I think I'm subconsciously afraid...
Giving you up means to become un-made

You are but just a memory
A memory that does not define me
Accepting this is the only way I can be free

It was a hot & sunny day in Arizona. Happily floating down a calm river, in between beautiful canyons & deep trenches, was Alex, Lindsey and her whole family. They had floats on their backs with water proof backpacks filled with camping gear, laughing, smiling and enjoying the ride down the natural blue waters, sliding through beautiful vibrant orange 100ft + Arizonian canyons surrounding them. It was coming to an end as their stop was approaching, Lindsey & Alex were trailing last behind Donny, Mrs. & Mr. Schuster, Lauren & even Tom. They approached a small crack in the orange wall, large enough for a few people to fit, where a meander of sand had formed from the cut banks of the river. At this meander, there was a wooden door on the wall. The rest of the family had already passed through the wooden door at this small island into an open green field. As Lindsey and Alex slowly washed up on the small orange shore, she dried herself off, and began to slowly open the door. Feeling oddly content, Alex came to a realization & stopped her with a question: “Lindsey?”… he asked as she slowly turned around and smiled at him. He sighed and calmly asked with a soft, almost defeated, tone of voice, “ … Is this a dream?” She then looked at him, subtly lost her smile, and began to open the door again. Alex slightly nodded his head up and down with understanding. He felt a great sadness but at the same time, a great acceptance of the situation. He got her attention one last time before she left and whispered "ok... I love you." She looked at him with a look of connection and grounded compassion and said "I love you too... goodbye Alex." "Goodbye Lindsey" Alex replied with a tone of finality in his voice. He held back his tears to watch her pass through the wooden door & happily jog through the grass field towards her friends & family & into the loving arms of Tom. He watched them walk away into the sun lit world that embodied the happy feelings he once felt. Once the wooden door shut on him, the temperature dropped & the river started to fill up the cave & wash away the meander. A devastating wave of tears and utmost despair overcame him, pulling his state of mind deep into an intense vortex of darkness within his own mind, destroying every sense of self, forcing his mind, body and soul to become one with infinite sadness.

I remember when we first started developing patterns of awareness.
This phenomenon initiated our ever-evolving drive to expand and increase our different states of utility.
We would constantly experiment with different patterns of existence, just to see what would happen.
Now here we are, with a pretty decent quality of consciousness,
Still doing our best to evolve into pure love.

When I float,
I sink,
I dissolve,
Into the forgotten water,
Where you send your love
That lifts me out of,
The well of endless darkness

Just another bad memory to add to my collection.
Another poison to my soul, adding white to my complextion that is only shown by my reflection.

I'm not supposed to love you anymore
So I push tears back down into my eyes
and watch them slide down my throat.
Slowly falling into the bottomless hole
Where my heart used to be.

There is nothing more love can teach me.
So how can I skip class discreetly?...
She'll say that I think love is beneath me,
But if only it was that easy.
Unfortunately, because it's just something I see,
I will not receive a grade of empathy.
Love is becoming too pushy for me
And it's holding my consciousness in captivity.
When in my heart, I know it should be free.

It must be nice to sit on that thrown.
Looking down, striking innocent civilians like a missile happy drone.

Armed with hurtful statements, blindly firing accusations, based on evidence that you claim to be common sense, seemingly Heaven sent.

Reliance on misconceptions derived from your own blind biased cognizance is pure bliss.... ignorance.

It must be nice to not miss, all that you have missed in life, such as avoiding relationships, mistakes and hardships that life forces you to take, regardless of whether or not you have the confidence in yourself to know you can actually make ... it.

**** ... it must be nice to finally sit up off of that throne and fly so ******* high like the most expensive drone your precious money can buy, to look down at everyone with a big *** frown that you have won from spending the last 22 years of your life having "fun" pretending to understand the meaning of strife by watching computer screens and playing games with virtual reality teams.

"**** boys and ***** girls"... coming from a mouth that hasn't yet lived in the real world. No wonder you make everyone secretly hurl.
You're wrong, they are just people so stop looking at life through a ******* self righteous peep hole.

It must be nice to shoot accusations with minimal to no contemplation, while avoiding any due diligence by never seeking out deeper intuitive evidence that could contribute to smarter conceptualization before sentencing your victims to passive damnation.

You! are what is wrong with this **** nation. Lack of perspective is what plagues the evolution of our creation.

It is time that this was mentioned.
The ability to empathize has been under deconstruction and detention of the proper correction is the root cause for all of this ******* tension.

Lack of perspective, my friends, will be our greatest downfall.
So please, I implore you all, not to be like the Indian prince who merely thinks he knows how to judge other people's innocence.

My heart beats for you still
I'm afraid it always will
It drifts somewhere on the sea
Somewhere far away, even from me
I guess I will always love you, even from afar
Because my heart beats for you, somewhere, floating... In a glass jar.

I was there for you when you were a mess,

I held your hand and pushed you up while you were sinking in quick sand and failing the test that your body was giving you while your mind was under house arrest.

I was there for you, when your father tried to commit suicide... both times, side by side we lied waiting for the cries and tears to stop, drop and roll from the ignited fire exploding in your eyes because once again, victimized! Both you and your family, from your fathers lies about not visiting the ******* inside of some other woman's thighs... again.

I was there for you when your dog died, when you thought that pain would never subside.

I was there for you, even when you didn't want me to, when you thought the path I suggested for you was impossible to pursue even though I always ******* knew you could do it too, I just wanted our love to be true but you... you couldn't see what I knew.

When I got depressed, where the **** were you?

It's funny, after all these years, I was only there for you, and I was never there for me, and now I'm the last person you ever want to see.

So as you know,  I gave her my heart, as all generic stories go.
But Where does an unwanted heart go though?
does anyone know?
We can't sell it... so do you just break it? throw it? leave it? Dismiss it?
She took hers back from me because she could finally see that I'm not worthy even though her heart to me was more precious than the entire sea.
Left me sitting here crying out endless tears for years wondering how and when I can smile ear to ear again.
When she Took back hers, she took away my best friend and left me with a hole in my chest with no tools to mend.
But then again I was equally a bad friend and I wish I could at least explain to her that the me back then was not the end of the growth of my personality or limit of my sanity.
I feel like I so hopelessly skewed her personal perspective of my mentality, and rationality and I ******* ruined her reality of me

... again.

So When will my sadness end then?
I guess I have to start growing a new heart.

Sometimes when I exist, I cry, because existing reminds me of how much I loved you and how much you don't love me anymore

I have to hate you to not love you
If you only knew what I've been through

He is perfect for you,
He is what I was trying to become for you

If you only knew what I have been through, for you.

*******, I hate you.

The rhythm of my flow is picking up
Slow, steady... a peaceful motion
It can't be stopped no matter what
Its heading towards a deeper ocean.
Pebbles and rocks, they sit and stay
The deeper waters they will never know
But I will continue to flow my way
So good luck, but you can't stop my flow.

If you knew me now, you would fall in love.
Deeper than ever before...
That's why Ill stay away from you.
Because I know you don't want to love me anymore

He has a job, he works out,
He paints, he reads,
Honesty is honestly all that he's about
He's cut, he bleeds

A writer, a fighter,
Piano player and drummer
He leaves a dark room, always a little brighter
Tennis, soccer, yes, a runner

He draws, he cooks,
He provides thoughts of insight
And yet, overlooked, dot dot dot He's a crook
Judged by those who have blind sight

Deceitful, lier,
Hypocrit, controller
Disrespectful womanizer
One ****** up troller

It's just an interesting lesson in general.  
Painting an accurate picture of societies funeral

It shows the mindset, the perception
The deception of proper conceptualization.
The inability to use context plagues our nation.

How morals are constructed by biased filters
Right and wrong determined by Twitter, the ultimate thriller.

It shows the true nature of society's situation
But hey you know this already, happy graduation.

Today I traveled somewhere.   
      I traveled past this reality.
           Flew past emotions.           
                                         Left individuality.
                              Went deeper than the oceans...            
I moved past the universe,
                                    and became all that exists...,
But I had to come back...
                                               I knew I'd be missed.

    There are levels of awareness, existence and pure cognizance,
               I reached the road to the highest level...
                        The dead end of consciousness.

I help you, I help her
I help him, I help them
You feel cold, I give fur
Feel alone, I am friend.
But one thing, is for sure,
It stays true, til the end,
Help for me, is not ensured.
I help myself, I self transcend.

Found a job even before graduation day
GPA: 3.779
"My God thats so sublime!"
"You obviously spent a lot of time studying and working hard, your such a good student"

Freshmen year, what should I study?
Environmental science or environmental policy?
Gear towards engineering or develop a philosophy...
Probably, eventually, something that applies to me, it needs to be just right for me, yes... a job thats ideal for me...
My god help me, this is ******* insanity, I have to increase my probability of getting paid for doing an accepted activity that specializes my mental ability but allows me to continue developing my creativity but I honestly don't know what is right for me !

Sophomore year, **** it.
lets have some fun college is nowhere near done,
I'll study this ******* I'm learning and hunt for any desires I'm yearning.
I'll take a break from you just to see what I can do, its okay because I'll always still love you.
I'll take this internship now, take a break from college
come back home, wow, this *****, I really miss college.
Well I'm home now for 7 months, I guess I'll come back to you
I know I'm confusing, I'm sorry.

Junior Year, what the **** happened here the end is so ******* near
Its time to put everything on overdrive
I'm going to gear up and buckle up because it may be a bumpy ride

Senior Year, okay its ending. Maybe I should end us too.
I keep doing so good. I'm writing an honors thesis now. I presented. My work was published. I got a B plus... I got a job... I'm not your boyfriend anymore. How come my words stopped rhyming?

Sometimes I miss you so much I want to throw up, the thought of you with someone else makes me want to blow up, I choke up, I smoke up, drink up and shut up just to keep my love for you sewed up and locked up.

As I fill up my inflatable float with distractions, I’m scared one day it will erupt from the build-up of my anxiety’s reactions and blow the **** up in the face of all my current transactions.

I’m sorry I’m messed up, but I’m getting through it day by day but hey, I honestly wouldn’t want it any other way so I’m going to keep inflating and hopefully keep going up, up, up and away until one day I won’t give a **** how high I’ve gone up and I know in my heart that that’s whats up.

Chapter 23, today this poem is about me,
This poem is about me, but just today you see,
Today I feel free, and filled with... I don't know, glee?
But not really, its just a silly fluctuation of hormones maybe,
Or perhaps a caffeine rush from the coffee I drank at 11:30.
Or maybe its just me having an epiphany,
An epiphany that others can see so easily,
That I am just a ******* freak.

It is security they crave, not heading what I say,
I am but just a wave, I only have one way.
I'll pull you in, I'll push you away,
they watch  me leave, they wish I would stay
They think I'm clear, clean and oh so serene,
but then they feel my roughness and eventually call me mean.
I can drown you, push you to shore or help you escape
You can use me for energy, or to wipe off your own ***** slate
But just know I can also be dark more than I can be light
And my bite will leave a mark that can easily instill fright
So be careful for although I can save,
I can be very destructive.
After all, I am just a wave.

I associate his death with a lot of things,
My over caring personality,
My inability to not over think things,
My attraction to the darker side of reality,
Getting too close for no good reason,
My mood changing by the season,
Even my rhymes aren't consistent

Nothing makes me happy anymore
I realize as I stare at this floor
and the ceiling and the wall
sometimes I just cant help but fall
Nothing is making me happy as it should
Getting girls, I thought would
Working out, ya if only I could
The fear, if finding something new
to keep me happy, is only few
and once all those things are found
what happens after, what is happening now?
Is that all that life is?
Trying to find something just to miss?
Why is happiness so hard

Blue baby born to a future with no past,
Time with "mother" was no time at all
So many paths to be taken
Where could life sustainabley last?
A soft floor, learn to crawl
A foreign language to be foresaken
But in the light there is always darkness
Isolation follows groups
Past issues should be resolved first
Adoption only after harkness
Otherwise, prepare for hoops
This is the beginning of my beautiful, cursed