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Caitlin Apr 2019
I love him.
Yeah, he's loud but its just who he is.
He's a Yankee,
and I'm a Belle.
I've learned to live with it.

I love him.

We set each other aflame
Sometimes with desire
sometimes with raging fire.
But its okay.
The heat is fine.

I love him.

My breath is heavy
and my inhale quick
Maybe a panic attack?
Maybe from ****.
We're back to yelling
the neighbors hear.
We're just passionate.
Its our dynamic?
Oh God, its our dynamic.

I love him.

He loves me.
Its why I'm shaking
and he's shaking
and we can't comfort the other
because the world would shatter
from the quaking.

I love him.

From over there though.
And I'm tired.
I'll take my pills
and beg him to take his.
And will be better in the morning.
I wake at 8.
He wakes at 10.
It'll be better in the morning.
Mental illness, especially when both people have it, in marriage is hard. Some days are harder than others.
Caitlin Apr 2019
Rx
Logic says to me,
"You've really gotten better!
You don't breakdown so often
You smile more."
Yeah, its the medication!

It says, "You handle things with grace
and don't fly off the handle.
You aren't so easily angered."
Yeah, its the medication!

                       It says, "Yeah, your emotions are foggy
                               but at least you aren't crazy.
                             I bet it's hard to feel things, but
                                you aren't crying all the time.
                           And you haven't collapsed in bed
                                           and begged to die.
                                  Or at least, its been a while."
                                   Yeah, its the medication.

                       "Why do you have tears in your eyes
                               and why aren't they falling?
               Does it feel like your chest is made of concrete?
              Like a sneeze that hurts but it just won't happen?
                    Can you feel the attack waiting in the corner
                    leaving you with dread and adrenaline?"
                                   Yeah, its the medication.

                                                    ­                          "Seroquel for seratonin
                                                       ­                            Buspirone to breath,
                                                         ­               and ****** to calm down.
                                                           ­               So what could go wrong?
                                                          ­          Is it bad to not be able to feel
                                      even though you know you have the right to?
                                                       And your chest feels heavy and full
                                                      like an awning with too much water
                                                         and you kind of want it to collapse
                           because you so badly want to remember how to cry
                                                And the blackness you were so afraid of
                                                              ­                            seems like home
                                                            ­                   and you're homesick?"
                                                      ­                      Yeah, its the medication.
  Apr 2019 Caitlin
Humble
Dear me,
Don't just sit
Rise, and pursue greatness.

Don't just watch
Go after what you want.

Don't just exist
Strive and start living.

Don't just dream
Work hard and aim for success.

Don't get tired
Keep hiking until you get to the peak.
  Apr 2019 Caitlin
Erika
i spend my days
pouring myself into the cups of others

only to find that
when it’s time for myself
to take a sip

all that’s left
in my cup
is the remainder of a girl
who gave too much
self care is extremely important. most days I fight my depression by putting smiles onto others faces, but forgetting about my once bright smile.
Caitlin Apr 2019
The funny thing
about being young
is the curiosity
of who I'll become.
But in the blink of an eye
I looked over my shoulder
My youth behind me
and now I'm older.
I still feel green
and my legs are weak
My voice shakes
every time I speak
But with each word
that I pass out
I find that my whimper
has turned into a shout.
My feathers are dry
I settle in
Slowly but surely
I love my skin.
The egg tooth has fallen
And I find that I can,
without assistance,
proudly stand.
I remember the days
when I tried to fit in
To someone else's
Idea of Skin.
I used to covet
the strength to define
Opinions and boundaries
that I had made mine.
I'd felt so weak,
and yearned to be strong.
But now I know
I was all along.
Caitlin Apr 2019
I look in the mirror,
and I see

                      pox

         scars

                          marks.

I long to be
the round faced girl
that I see in my memories
with eyes that dance with innocence
despite everything she had been through.

                           That saw fairies and dragons
                in the corners of her room

Who talked to mermaids
                                 and danced with bards

Some would call it an overactive imagination.
But I'm faced with the dullness
in my eyes
and I miss the worlds I created.

Because this one

hurts.
Caitlin Apr 2019
F
F

Press F to pay respects.
The player caught feelings.
And now he's in a different game.
One with no real prizes,
Not this round anyway.
Racecar or top hat?
He picked his pieces
Landed in jail,
Just to please a woman
Who never had feelings to begin with.
He lost the game
Lost his freedom
Lost his mind
Press F to pay respects.
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