I try to get clean
When I come down, I pull back
That’s when I notice the claw marks

I close the door and stare at the window as if it’s my only escape
Halfway across the room, I acknowledge the fact that I didn’t turn the lock

The world I kept you in is on fire
All of our darkest fantasies, falling down around me
The words we never said burning to ashes
I attempt to put it out but hesitation pulls me into her arms
And all that’s found in the wreckage is the note that you left

I stare into your eyes, feeling myself coming down from a high
Moving your lips, pressing them to the inside of my thigh
Craving another hit of the sweet sin you filled me with
Late nights and hotel keys, my clothes tossed in the backseat
I’m left with an insatiable taste for unholiness dressed in grace
But nothing is working and you’re a quick fix with a pretty face

Only upon nightfall does she truly feel.
Gut wrenching, heart aching, raw emotion.
The tears fall as if the drought has passed, and the earth cries, feeding her flowers at last.
It is only in the hours of darkness where her soul blossoms open, her deepest desires spilling over. She looks to the moon for comfort, not knowing whether to curse at the stars or ask them for wishes.

I hope it's raining where you are
So maybe I don’t have to feel the darkness of these clouds on my own
Drowning in my stubborn state of mind
Blinded by the thought of your hands and those eyes
All that’s left are the words we never said
Both too afraid of the battle to be won
Limerence has a finger on the trigger
My heart too big for his hollow soul
I hope you think of me, If only for a moment
I let the rain attempt to wash you away
This storm will pass

And so I’ll live with you inside this day dream we’ve spun
Where innocence dies every night
And I wake to the delicate view of your eyes
This made-for-television screens type of infatuation
I’m always tipsy and you’re always begging for more
No bad feelings or thoughts of what’s to come
We only have the music and our two tongues  
With each fleeting moment, we paint our canvas of desire
Igniting flames that flicker, burning with a passionate fire

I dreamt up a fantasy
and spoke you in front of me
Something real
Something tangible
Now I’m left with these thoughts
These god awful feelings
I’ve made you out to be this thing
This salvation piece
Bound to the wreckage of my home
An escape in the form of blue eyes and soft skin
But you’re made of taking my lace off on the floor
And “You look like you could use another pour.”
I attempt to put you back in the box I pulled you from
You stick between my fingers like a thick golden honey
The sweetness lingering on my tongue as I try to get clean
There’s something in your eyes when I bite back
I think I’m the one doing the saving
What a mess we’ve made

I look at you and I don’t feel him
Your cold stare, tequila talking
The way the tales roll off your tongue
As if you were an honest man
And me your aching story keeper

So much hesitation but I’m no fool
From the taste of you, I know the verdict
You take my hand and it’s too late
Call me by my name, let me swallow your pain

The aftermath is something to let burn
Your touch feels like something sinister
I’m craving the feeling of filling the void
Maybe it’s real, maybe I like to hurt

22nd of September, a rush of fall in the air
White caps of the river racing, a sweater
The settling of my bones,
The feeling of coming home

Stop the alarm, take your shoes
It’s time for your daily juice
Laugh and nod, grin and bear
Don’t forget to brush your hair

Lock your door, draw the blinds
It's ok to want to stay inside
Run the water, mute your cries
Sometimes it feels better to lie

Close your eyes, take your meds
Replaying all the words you never said
Always wishing, always praying
A heart full of hope and a head full of dread

drunk off nostalgia
warm, tanned skin
always hungry, ready to sin

smoke in our lungs
passion all over your tongue
all dressed up, the taste of ***

queen of spades, frozen lemonade
sad eyes and feeling strange
you say we got it made in the shade

nothing is ever as it seems
not you, not me
was it all a dream?

angry fists I no longer miss
not your grip, not your kiss
just drunk off nostalgia
hard not to reminisce

You must remind yourself of the reasons you left
You are a cinematic masterpiece on repeat
You are not to keep your thoughts quiet
Just a single breath and you could conduct a whole orchestra
He planted his forbidden fruit and asked you to grow
Your ripeness and colors overflowed his garden
He ****** you dry and left you to wilt
You will grow again in richer soil

You brought me roses every sunday and kissed me on the forehead
“My future wife, love of my life” there’s not a card I haven’t kept
I don”t know what exactly happened or how you slipped away
but my heart is missing it’s home
So when you find your way, you know the only path
love letters & roses every Sunday, please
I'll dust off the welcome mat

This ones for you J -
I look for you in every burning star
Every passing car
Where the hell are you?
Those big brown eyes of yours
The way you loved me like you could die
I will wait for you for a thousand years
I will suffer the cold of every winter and the flames of every summer
You are my home
Light of my life, fire of my *****

Why am I still holding on to something that is no longer there?
A blurry photo, a broken ring

So what if the **** phone doesn’t light up with your name
I know you’re there somewhere with a lousy look on your face trying to fit in with the crowd

You always said you’d never let them get inside your head
Yet here I’ll sit and wait and slam the bottle across my ****** knees cause hell it’d hurt a lot less than this void you left in me

I’ll fill it with poison and empty hearts til I’ve had enough and come crawling to your doorstep with my hands around my own neck because I really did it this time

I know she’s there
she’s tucked away in the most hidden parts of your mind
I know you try to forget
but she’ll always linger in your head
Just look at me
& you can put her to rest.
take me to bed
get her out of your head.

2 years today I became yours & so it was
yet here I am with an empty bed and an outline of your head to the left of my pillow
I keep my phone on loud right by my ear so maybe if you call my heart will hear
but its been a month and the most i’ve gotten is “I’ve mailed your things.”
But whats mine is yours and yours is mine so I’ll hold on to all your shirts & socks
Baby, remember when this was love & only us?
Now your drawer is filled with junk and old photographs & your toothbrush sits at the back of the dish
and if you ever need a home, whats mine is yours and this bed belongs to you so I’ll be waiting with my heart in my hands and your socks on my feet hoping that one day you’ll see that I belong to you & you belong to me.

blue is not a color

blue is the freedom of the ocean & the sky
blue does not represent the tears that I cry

oh little blue bird, how you go so high
won't you take me with you to your blue paradise in the sky?

****** me softly, tangle me in you
wrap your mind around mine

**** me with your candy & cyanide  
please darling, take your time

drown me with your words
ignite my inner light
and together,
we will burn

I remember you pointed to the little green coffee cup
“that's my cup”
you told me you drank whiskey and wine out of it
those nights usually ended with your head on my pillow
I wondered if you continued to use that little green cup  
even when I was off in the back with your best friend
did it make you think of me?
I opened the cabinet yesterday
I saw your little green cup & now I’m wondering how you are and where you’ve been
I made tea in your cup and drank away our memories
I miss you

I shouldn’t be dreaming about you
I shouldn’t have you in my head
your hand in mine, you’re body in my bed
God save me, I shouldn’t be dreaming about you
& lately all i’ve done is drink about you.

Staring at the eyes that are no longer mine
but hers

I try to speak
but I have no words

memories
& flashbacks parading my mind

this is it
this is where we draw the line

though I never wanted it to be this way
you could not wait to live this day

"I'll always love you" I hate to say
its hard watching the one real thing i've ever known
walk away

There was a boy
and there was a girl

they met on a 16th in the spring
a whirl of warm air and lucky green

she fell for him hard and fast
with a secret hope that forever they would last

he fell for her in bits and pieces
hiding every little one of his games and teases

and just like any other naive little girl
she was tricked and used
hurt and abused

he took her innocence
her smile and the life from her eyes

and it all started with one little lie,
"I love you, be mine."


t.s

How much longer until you're name lights up my phone
night after night
it sits there like a stone

Cold and alone
I just need your hand to hold
to call you mine
our names in bold

My love still lives, but it is untold
I dont want to frighten you
just to enlighten my yearn

I'm waiting for your return
but I'm impatient and this waiting
is starting to burn

Jealousy eats away at my skin.
Burning through muscle and tissue.
Boiling into my blood.
A certain sadness takes over my body, yet anger strives through my mind. A terrible mixture of mad and sad beating on me like a drum. Scarring my mental state, leaving me broken and hopeless.

I woke in the middle of the night, a slight smile crept across my face, supplementing happiness to my growing depression. It was you. You were in my dreams. I reached out to touch your velvet skin only to be awoken in a room of pure darkness. Lying there in the still silence, a tear rolls down my warm, pallid cheeks. Its you again. I'm thinking about you. Why do you make me cry? Maybe its because i don't feel good enough for you. Maybe its because i miss you, but i know it must be something more than that. I'm barely your age, yet your a man. Not some silly schoolboy, but a grown man. How is it that a young girl like me could ever have such strong feelings for a man like you? A tear turns into a puddle. A puddle of tears where my neck meets my collar bone. They sink into my pores, slightly burning my skin. Memories flash across my mind like a playbook, quickly turning each page as if the paper were made of a million tiny dancing flames. You. You never seem to leave me alone. My face is hot and my body is trembling. Please leave my thoughts. My stomachs starting to hurt. Im finding it hard to catch my breath. Please, leave. You hurt me too much. You cause me too much pain, but I'm in love. My smile slowly sinks to a frown. I'm in love with you. My happiness darkens into a world of madness. My eyes peer into the dark. I mumble with a tired voice,  "I love you, but you must leave."