I lay in my bed
And think of all the bad that you do and did
How I spent so much time thinking I was the one in the wrong..
How I allowed you to mind **** me into hating myself
I started to think I was unattractive, unattainable and undesired
I even believed you when you cried and said it was me
But
It was you who lied
It was you who cheated
It was you who left me alone during dark times
It was always you that I could not count on.

And you're here trying to prove me wrong, saying that all of that is done.. so why do I still feel undesired, why do I still feel unattractive, why do I still feel this way?

I cry in the shower
so you cant hear how sad I am
I hide behind the door to my room
so you don't see how much of a mess I am
I do all these things so you don't have to worry
I cry all alone because I don't want to bee week
Tired of the hateful words kids speak
I cried out to God or whoever was listening
that they would take my life as I cried awake at nigh
I don't expect you to know this
so it might surprise you
that when I smiled I was rely trying
when I laughed I just tried to bare it
Because even thou I hate the world
I love you
and I could never put you threw that
Even when you left me, and asked me to still be friends
I grinned and bared it
That was the first night that I really cried for something real
Don't worry I've lived this long I can deal

Last night was a terrible night for me.

I was told I'm an amazing person
My girlfriend told me that
Or should I say my ex.
Because she told me I'm amazing
As she also told me she has found someone else.

Am I really that amazing
That you've found someone else
Who can fill my place so easily?

Last night was a terrible night.
Today feels like a terrible day.
I'm looking forward to a terrible month

Last night was a terrible night.
I cried myself to sleep
And woke up with tears in my eyes.
This terrible morning isn't getting any better
As the tears continue to flow.
I think tonight will be
Another terrible night
I'll cry myself to sleep
Because otherwise I'll drive myself insane
And then I'll wake up
Again
With tears on my face
And scattered on my pillow
As I reach to pull you close to save me from the nightmare.

Only to realize
That you're not there any more.

I've learned to let people go.
Because no one stays
and in the end everyone fades
you have to learn to let go.
And accept.
So I let them drift
out of my life
and I try not to scream
because I've built concrete walls
around myself
but I'm still wounded
from the times they damaged
my memories and threw them
into abyss of bitter agony.
But I'm an hourglass
with no sand and
my time is standing still
and I can't breathe
because my lungs
don't carry wind anymore.
And I've wasted too many pages,
too many words,
too many metaphors
to explain this emotion
It's so palpable that I feel it  
throbbing in my severed veins.
But I can't I can't I can't
fill this hollow inside me
and I've learned to breathe
with drowning lungs.
I've learned to be dead
with a beating heart.

Dust on my
Charcoal
Canvas.
Just brush it off
A night of peace
A galaxy of blown stars.
An attempt at an imperfect perfection.

But I wipe it away, anyway.
My constellation is too dangerous
for Anyone Else.

So I **** my night heaven with light pollution,
And diminish my stars.
And I'm just a canvas
A Blank,
          Empty,
                    Canvas.
Now, look what we've done.

In time it seems sweet dreams never come easy
A sad song on repeat, My soul grows sleepy.
Who am I.. but an alien among the alien-nation
Known only to the unknown
Solitude is all they've known.
Listen Closer and you'll maybe hear,
the metronome of a heart, carved into a cave.
Hollow and dark, Imagine it inside out.
Still the same, But only now it's surrounded by Light.
what Seems remade isn't all that remains.
But a chip too, from the old dark.
still and soft; it still strikes the spark.
The sound is the Sounds of distant echos...thundering, Wandering and Wondering,
Close my eyes and picture Memories so vivid, although they have aged so very much...
They still bring joy and tears to my eyes.
Unexplainable. its such a beautiful, Bitter sweet life.

Pathetic.
the bags under my eyes screamed
I couldn’t remember the last time I actually slept without seeing the imminent sun
maybe I should call night the river of tears
and day the blazing inferno that burns my whole ******* body but never seems enough to actually **** me

when I was 9 my father asked me what I wanted for my birthday
I grinned and shrugged, I was young and being older just seemed to be the best ******* thing ever
If he had asked 10 years later, I would have cried
and probably begged him to take this ******* thing back
I don't want this life anymore
but being older still seems to be the best ******* thing, a year closer to my death.

when I reached 19,
my friends stopped playing with me and started acting like my ******* parents
they didn't know that their constant hovering slowly pushes me on the edge of  want
want to **** myself
want to die
want to not ******* exist anymore

20 minutes ago I started writing a love poem
I love romantic poems because I could write a whole ******* book about it without actually feeling it

20 minutes later it turned into a suicide note.

Under the bed look what I've found
There's a dead cat and there's a clown
Inside my head I'm wearing a crown
Suddenly why do I feel so cold and down ?




Am I blind, Have I lost my mind ?



When the river is up and sky is down
sun's burning my feet but it feels so good yeah
I'm drowning standing up on the ground
There must be something burning someone somewhere here

The time is strict and I'm guilty of everything I've built
As I look back now I see so many in fear
Moments die to gift you the orphaned guilt
As I look back now I cannot see a single tear



Am I blind, Have I lost my mind ?




In my dreams I remember my town
All the people that were, still are, yeah
If I close my eyes I can still hear the sounds
Coming from my brain as if it's all here


My screams are weak and my eyes are brown
I look inside the mirror and I feel so depressed
All those corpses buried in the ground
Will revolt one day if they're any longer suppressed


Way inside my head I am weeping
All those holy memories over flowing and dripping
Bleeding all over the floor and sweeping away the filth
As I'm left here breathing, yeah


If you want I'm ready to give you an ounce
Of my soul in return for your loving embrace
I have nothing else to sell I'm broken down
I don't remember when I made home at this place





Am I blind, Have I lost my mind ?

A story leaked,
From my open wounds,
And the years escaped,
The cage of my mind,
Poetries screamed my anguish,
And songs revealed,
Too much to stand through.
With welts etched in my legs,
I trudged, stumbling,
Along the thousand avenues,
Finding your arms.
Winds flapped through,
My tattered clothes,
And stars cracked,
And dispersed and crashed.
I kept falling until,
I drowned in oceans,
of your blurred memories.
They filled my lungs
And made me choke.
They pierced my veins
And broke my bones.
I let my breaths flee,
and I fell and fell,
deeper into deepest agony.
It's the end, love,
it's the end.
This is how we end.