i wanted to clench a
lithe, flimsy sky in the thicket
of my veins like
preserved butterflies

seize gale, glitter
pollen, laughter between laced
handcuffs
quietly, lovingly beneath
the tender protest of old stars
i wanted to break something beautiful.
i wanted to hold you between
the rubble
cluttered consonants on my tongue,
your cracked glass soul, the constellations in your smile,
i wanted to
cradle you like a dream, and break you
like a promise.

The sky painted itself
the color of candied raven
and the tingle of your touch
still flooded
the river beds of my soul; false bravado
tattooing its flaxen lies beneath my eyelids and
blood stains on my wrists
i crushed my own heart seventeen times a day

but you were so beautiful with your hair dyed the color of freedom
wings perched, loud crimson lips and hollow nightingale cages
a sizzling sip of obliteration

like pallid ceramic
angels on forsaken
attic shelves,
teardrops from rusty faucets
decaying family portraits
swooned on
glassy tables—

i fell
i dropped
i cracked
i shattered

i broke along
*with you

If I look pretty
They won't see the demons I hide

If I smile
They won't see the death in my eyes

If I laugh
They won't hear me cry out

If I act this way
They won't know I died last summer

I'll look alive
But in reality
I'm a walking, talking, corpse

I'm rotting from the inside
Im truly dying
I'm done fighting

I'm good at pretending
Pretending I'm strong
Pretending I'm happy
Pretending I'm fine
Pretending I matter

But in reality
None of its true
Because I died last summer
When my demons took over

So now I'm a corpse
Among the living
A zombie
A machine
Just going through the motions

But you say "I love you" to every girl you meet
And that really isn't love,
Just because you are lonely
And what's sad about that is -
You'll never really feel "love"
Because she leaves or you leave
And you're back on the desperate hunt for a new
"I love you"
And this cycle repeats
Love doesn't die when a person walks away
Love is a stitch in the chest that remains
It can't quite ever go away
And I think you know this, but -
You are too scared to be alone
Too scared to live without a love
So jump and jump from this love to that one
I think you are scared because you know
That you can't ever love yourself

They say that you can do whatever you want
If you just believe.
But what they don't tell you
Is what you'll need.
Hopes are nothing
If you don't reach them.
I may seem
Pessimistic
But it's true.
How did you get
Here?
With what you have.
How did you get it?
With the same thing keeping you from getting
Your Dreams.
Your Hopes.
Your Wishes.
Good luck, friend.
Good luck.

I cried myself a river. (I dug myself a hole.)
I built myself a bridge. (I found myself a ladder.)
I was told to cross. (I was told to climb.)
I walked halfway. (I climbed halfway.)
Now I Jump.