You’ll try to save her
but
saviors are only

knelt to

prayed to

given to

and dear
self-control was a
religion she did not practice
-DDF

I will lie awake every night
imagining each one of your
muscles dancing under
your moonlit skin

just longing to run my
fingertips over each bone
pushing against your shell

because in your slumber
the innocence you've so long
hid
finds an escape route and
plants itself upon your
porcelain face

and I want to be the one
to greet it with the softness
of rose-petaled lips
-DDF

stardust builds a home
for its particles in almost
everything
but i think more than
a few particles found you

it's uncanny the way
you mimic a star’s behavior

you shine your brightest
right before i lose you

though i want
nothing more than
to help
you're far away

distant from the others
who only admire stars
but never enough to
become one like you

and i can't help but
wonder who tore you
from your throne and
tethered your helpless
soul to a place
that could never be home
-DDF

“I’m tired,”
but
her eyes fell to her
feet and her weariness
was not found scrambling
across the floor

“I’m not hungry,”
but
her stomach screamed
at the mere idea of
a tangible item perching
within it

“I just don’t feel good,”
but
her mind was jumbled
into a trainwreck
while the survivors
continuously terminated
themselves instead of
living with the guilt
of breathing

“I’m fine,”
but
the streetlight in her
eyes has long winked
out
sending the whole block
into lonely midnight

and
she'll let her body become a
grave site for the lost memories
of happiness that
used to perch along her veins

-DDF

it's funny how i watched you walk
away, eyes holding the floor as if
the secrets of the universe were
hidden in the cracked eggshell
tiles

and i know about how you looked back,
eyes starving and finding my face,
appetite then satisfied
and trust me,
i know about how your cheeks took
on the color of roses and you turned
away, pushing our memories even further
from the two of us.

i know all of this because my eyes
held your body captive in the clear blue
of them,
drowning you in so many tidal waves,
even as I longed to be your life vest. -DDF

The recollection of screaming and
tears breaks every wave of my
thoughts. The sheets remembered
the melody of you, and I can still
smell you dancing within in the air
of my desolated thoughts.


The screams had made a home inside of
my ears, and I brought them forward
everyday; I just wanted to remember
something of you.

Your tears.
Oh, God.
Your tears.
I drowned in them every night.
I never bothered to learn the
swim; I felt closer to you the
more I struggled to pull a
harrowing breathe from the lungs of
a being I did not recognize as myself.

I felt closer when meals turned into
a nightmare; when my bones stabbed
at my skin; threatening to push through
the shell of me.

I especially felt close when the metallic
barrel of my father’s gun whispered
sweet nothings; appealing demons I had
buried six feet under.

But even though I tried to feel so close
to you again,
I could not forgive the memories
within my mind for bringing
you home to me everyday. -DDF

To the men who terrorized my innocence,

The screams that night still plague me, they haunt my midnight hours when I
beg for sleep to take its hold on me.
I remember holding her hand.

the girl I loved.

But, to you, she was just another person in the crowd…
Another victim.
To me, she was honey and roses on a summer morning; she was
the one to save me when I mixed too much Hell with Heaven.
I repaid her with the last few kisses I could muster while her tears intermingled
with our blood.

Just a few hours ago, she was smiling up at me in delight; arms wrapped around my waist
as the music played behind our enclosed bodies.

I held her like this until the bullet ripped her life away from this Earth.

An Earth without her,
It wasn’t someplace I wanted to be.
But I held onto the tidbit of life dancing in front of me;
the one that you had injured but had not stolen.
I couldn’t quite tell which set of crimson belonged to I;
the puddles were drowning all of us.
Which screams were mine?
I’ll never remember and I don’t think I’ll care to;
they all mixed into one loud wail as we fought to grip
the idea of hope.

Trust me,
my lungs were filling with so much hopelessness that
I couldn’t quite remember how to breathe without it within those moments
where I begged for God to take me with her.

But you.
Did you take delight in destroying us?
Her, I, and the others?
I had felt someone grasp my hand right after her’s had fallen away;

You know,
they must have felt me give up. because I knew
It was an encouragement to keep myself breathing;
to keep my lungs from restricting and my soul from rising.

I couldn’t quite tell you how long I thought you were there;
to me,
it felt like years.
I can’t imagine how long it felt for those people who were lined up in front of you
waiting for God to show his face in any form possible.  

The ones who stared down at your guns;
who pleaded for you to rethink your decisions
who had children at home,
who had spouses waiting for their smiles,
who had… families.

Those shots will forever be burned within my memory;
This night,
this horror,
this loss.

But will you wake up screaming,
wondering how you could have saved her?

Will you see their faces in every little corner of the street;
in every thought?

Will you relive the memory of how her hand felt pressed into yours,
right before you lost her?

Will you thank God for that one man who tightened his grip
on your fingers, keeping your mind here,
keeping you alive?

Will you trace the line of stitches along your body,
where the bullets had made a home within your skin?

Will you pray to God that this was only a nightmare,
just to hear Satan laugh in your ears?*

-DDF

it tears me apart
knowing that you will
never be able to have me
as I was

the innocent child running
her hands along off-white
walls
seeking Something she had yet
to find

the me before that Something
had found

the me that wouldn’t flinch
when a hand reached to
caress my skin

the me who looked
Something in the face
before it had bruised
all of her

the whole me
the me as I was

not this broken me
-DDF

It wasn’t your fault, I promise.
Well, maybe I cannot promise that.
It could have been your fault,
Actually, it was your fault.

I didn’t realize it until now.
You handed me that rope, didn’t you?
Yet, I tied the noose.
It’s not my fault…
It’s yours.
No, it cannot be.

Your words were the knives in my back.
But… I was the one who shoved them in.
It’s not my fault…
It’s yours.
No, it cannot be.

Your poignant silence was the fractures in my bones.
But… I was the one who allowed them to break.
It’s not my fault…
It’s yours.
No, it cannot be.

Tell me,
Can you ****** with just words?
Because you did. -DDF

There is no way to tell
how cold it used to be
But
Everybody wore
The sun and finding
You out there was
Standard practice.
You'd go in and close
The door behind you,
And
The man nearest you
Would
**** you back onto
The ice
and without a backward glance,
you would fall
I don’t understand
Why won’t you just
look at me? -DDF

He turned and kissed her,
He put his hand on her stomach to greet the new life, his voice a purr.
Off to work he goes,
But no one knows.
Until this day,
When our nation was turned into a useless fray,
Where everything will soon be a monotonous gray.
He forgot his keys,
So he doesn’t leave.
Maybe if he would of stayed a little longer,
His life wouldn’t of been stolen,
From terrorist mongers.
He pulls away,
Not knowing about this day.
“Goodbye, my dear. You have nothing to fear.”
A silver car,
She thinks, “He won’t travel too far.”
Little does she know,
He will soon go.
Go to a place with angels and things,
Where he will gain his wings.
When the news announces the attack,
Her heart has been snatched, never to be given back.
Going to the towers,
Her heart plucked, like a balding flower.
The towers falling,
The children calling,
A fatherless baby brought into the world,
Never to be known as “Daddy’s Little Girl”.
That was the day her walls fell down,
That was the day, her emotions were in a bound.
Clutching the Hopeless,
The world in a mess.
Our nation too soon to be broken,
Before anyone could have spoken.
Our people will climb back to their knees,
Open your eyes, please.
We can tolerate pain for so long,
Before we proceed to right the wrong.

I'm still waiting for the night
when your face isn't the skeletal
structure holding my entire being up


and your smile isn't the blood
flowing through my veins
keeping this ******* body of mine
functioning


the one night


when I'll be fine and the
realization that the throb
of missing you isn't fused
into my heart forever


but tonight is not that night


and i lay w a i t i n g
-DDF

To the girl who loves my brother,*

When you look at him, see his wide
eyes as not an invitation, but as an endless
cavern of innocence.
Look at my brother with respect,
as he survived his entire life growing up
with women.
Yes, he was taken in because his parents
no longer wanted the burden of a child
who was believed to be a mistake.
Look at my brother with pride,
because every night he heard me cry,
he whispered into the shadows,
“Are you okay?” To which my
reply was always, “I'm fine. Just sick.”
He listened to me blast my ears with
music to block out the world, and *******
it, he would pull one out just to say:
“Hey, you're going to lose your hearing.”
which was his way of saying,
“I'm worried about you.”
Don't you hurt my brother, as I've said
before, he was raised by she-wolves who
not only built a home, but arose from
nothing.
My brother was a burden I did not want
to bear growing up.
Now, I see his eyes are filled with
life, and his voice is deeper than an abyss.
My little brother who is not so little
anymore.
My little brother who I completely
destroyed when I told a whole bus filled
with kids: “He's adopted.”
I regretted it as his eyes clouded over, and
at such a young age, he knew this was a
bad thing.
Love my little brother for his quirky
comments, love him because I didn't
love him enough.
Love him on his weakest days,
love him when he's crying into
your pillows.
Love him because as I paved a path
for him to follow, he got himself
lost in the woods.
Lead him back to me, please.
Love my little brother as he was denied
this.
-DDF