I've searched and searched never finding it
Famliy and friends said  i was good
But it means  oh so much more to hear it from a stranger
I've removed the vail and  spread my wings

I've tryed to seattle at alittle place they call myspace
Found it to be dull and most were jaded
I tryed to to show my face on facebook
but they were busy stairing in the mirror

i searched for a new home not find one that  fit my likeing
untill now
I've found a place to share my most personal  form exsression
Hello poetry  fells oh so right

hope you like this one,penned it just for you
tryed to capture your backward sentences
and their double meanings
your world spins in reverse
from end to beginning
your been there,done that, attitude
is trying on my soul,you want more
more of what,your silence,is deafning
I can only listen to your thoughts
and swim against their tides
I am not in reverse,nor looking forward
I am in the middle, in the now
and hoping this balancing act,my arms
stretched out, will catch your fall

When I was 12

I cut for the frist time I used this little
sharp thing that came in this manicure set
I don't know why I did it but I can remember
my hand hanging over the bathroom sink little drips of blood falling from me I staired in to space I can still feel that dead feeling
Latter that year I cut in front of my friend I did not think she was looking, she **** my hand and " oh my god, dude did you just make that happen?" I should be I shamed I would be now, but then I think I may have been proud, it got worst I cut everyday
mostly my hands. One day my older brother
asked what happen to my hands I said his cat had scratch me
a really bad lie cuz rocko would never hurt a fly,
and he new cuz he told my mom right there and then
Ma, I think she's cuting herself, I was so panic that I don't even remember what she said, but I did not stop
mouths later I think it was in Jan of 2001
I was at my sisters house and I must have had a scrach or scar showing
I reamber what she said, my hand are shaking tyeping it,
"Why are you cutting you're self little *******!, you know that bring the devil he likes that!, little did I know those would be that last words she ever said to me cuz she died in feb that same year
and know it's crazy but part of me will allways blame me and my cutting,
and i still think of her when I cut, I don't have to tell you that did not stop me,

whene I was 13

I don't think I cut much wich is do odd cuz it was the worst time in my life, insted I dressed like a ****, got drunk, talk back to my famliy and messed aroung with grown up guys,  and started writeing poetry
but I never cut.

Whene I was 14

god that was I really bad bad time I'm pretty shore I was crazy
I was convosed about my sexuality and gender,
i shaved my head started dressing as crazy as possibal maybe get ppl to look at me, maybe to scare them away I don't know.
but I cut, I cut I LOT! I can remember locking myself in the basement with my KORN and SLIPKNOT CDs turned up so load no one can hear my cry, I craved an anarcy symble in my lag, and fell asleep on the liveing room couch, my mom saw it and freaked out, she asked me if I was crazy?, gay?, if it hurt?, all I did was turn over and go back to sleep.

When I was 15

everyone just knew I was crazy, I cut be with the head to toe black
dog colers and books on the cruch of Satan no one really nodest, but I knew, it was takeing over my life, I had so meny cut on my arms that
ther was not a part of my skin that was not scabed red or swollen
but I did not stop.

When I was 16

I lot of things about me chanched at 16
but it was hard to say what they where
i remember one day I staired in the mirror so long
I could not stand mr face and more I was enraged
I was allwas sad, but now it was anger I did not want to see
any part of me or my life any more a hated it all so much
I tryed to blind me self, with narr hair remover, I put in to my eyes
it was the worst pain I ever felth, and when everything started to look gray I was scard and for the frist time sents my sisters death
I prayed to god not elfs or the vampire ruler
but god, and it stop the bruning the grayness stoped
and from that the I never said I did not believe in god, you can call me crazy, but I think I should'ev been blind.
but I never stoped cutting,
just mouths layer in the summer I can remember
being dressed like a latex dominatress, I craved the word nothing in my hand that word ment a lot to me it was my seventh name
I never thoght anyone nodest but when I came home one day
2 of my 3 brothers and my mom where waiting like an intervention
they asked me why?, what does it mean?, my father asked if I " really worship the devil?" I just said I do it cuz I'm crazy and never said anouther word,  but I did not stop cutting.

When I was 17

my life was sleep cutting and poetry and nothing more,
I lived in razor blades and notbooks, I can remember one day I had 2 cuts on my arm my uper arm, but I must have forgot cuz I did not
where a swater to the dinner table, my brother the same brother
that nodest when I was 12 got up in a rage and went in to the ketchen with my mom and was yelling at her " did you see the cuts?, did you see thies ******* cuts, he did not think I heard no one did but that mead my cry so hard, I'm and will allways protective of my mom, I hated that she was getting yelled at for something I did, but than she starting blameing everyone but me, I craved a heart in to my hand and she went if in my neice say "did you see her do this?"
now my cuting was everyone pain
but I did not stop

when I was 18

I did not cut as much but whene I did it was bad
I used broken glass it was my favoret, and I cut placeing
that never showed, when I  was dressed,
and I looked normle just like anyone els
nothing dark of freaky about me but if you saw me
naked I was a masacare
and I did not stop.

When I was 19

I had a hole deffrent feeling like nothing I did
was good enough, I'm not like everyone els my
age, I allwas had this thing where when ever u was outside
and someone laughed I thought it was about me
if they looked at me it was cuz I'm ugly
or just a freak, at this time it was worst
cuz I realize not much has chanched in my life.
I got my shoulder once I was one my computer
and my dad asked what happend I said I got cut when I was
moving things in my room all he said oh I thought
you where doing something weird, talk about being the last to know.

When I was 20

I only cut twice that year, And my mom seemed to think about it more that me but in a defforent way "what are you gunna do with those scars?"
shed allways say, still does no mans gonna wanna marry someone with
unexplainable scars on her body, I allways found that shallow
and cold but I did not completly stop cuting.

When I was 21

I had an inter deffrent soul or at lest a new mask
in lost wight, trund blond, for the longest time replaced
poetry with make up, try to perfect most ppl thought I was
even me, I was bublelie that girl who laughed really loud
with butterflys in my bedroom and boys on my cell phone
mirrors and make up, it kinda the new obession cuz I can feel it taken over, and no one knows it  they will never guess it
but I did not stop cuting

now i'm 22 years olds

sometimes I feel so fake I wanna scream,
I don't reconize me anymore, but I never like me anyway
I can't understand how I can want those feeling back?
I mead so long, how can I just stop?
Cuting is part of me, as much as I want it gone
then why did cry so much, more then the blood
why do I feel so worthless saying
I did not stop cutting...

Gazing south as if some wise, well worn fisherman,leaning against the wroughted railed pier in all its victorian, gordy, standing, splendor.

Warmed and held by the summer sun as close as shared spoon-cuddled arms.

On thermal  air, calls and laughter rise from towelled steaked plots
blinding and shading the razor sharp hungry sea-gulls eye from flakey white flesh in all its golden battered salt-shuck sharpness,
competeing on the nose with hand-held melting creamyness, as they waft and weave gently by.

Below the slatted sound , the magic hypnotic spell of lapping waves lift and tilt me on a day dream of youthful lost love.

To a day we made our sun run in all its lazyness, dimming the enviour moon in its wake and kissing still the hands on the pasty-face black towering clock
                                          As time slipped way and was some where else.

With worn drift wood and tingleling toes you defaced the sand with a graphity the council tryed but couldn't erace.
And there it lies still, benieth the smooth pebbled shore,
                                                          ­                                                           kissed each day with salty tears and remembered sighs.

A fearful screaming siren pieces the soft English air, Its doppled blast, chilling,  pushing, demanding its screeching way through the brain, to some others pained, tear filled day,
                                                            ­                                then fades on the breeze.

A sun blushed child frowns through pink Brighton rock lips and eyes as blue as the sea, a secert smile is shared as if in that innocence I knew  that one magic day she will run on skipping painted toes and giggles sweet to etch for him in soft blank sand her love on this dreamy day beach.

So off the sea and off the pier I strole, absorbed and lost among the tripping faced crowd,into the sun dipped west and home alone.

Yet knowing you will remain forever mine, held in crystal dimonded grains, whilst around the bitter -sweet changing tides ebb and flow          
                     down
                                       through
                                                          the  
­                                                                 ­  years.

I made a promise
A promise to myself
A promise to stay
A promise to live
A promise to be OK

I broke that promise
The promise to myself
I tryed to leave
I don't want to be live
I am not OK

I have a promise
A promise to my friends
A promise to stay
A promise to live
A promise to be OK

I still brake that promise
The promies to my friends
I want to leave
I don't want to live
I am not OK

I will never keep the promise
The promise to myself
The promise to my friends
The promise to stay
The promise to live
The promise to be OK

I am here
I live
But I'm not OK
I will never be OK
But that is OK

A young man was once feared of being called gay
so he went out for baseball and every other sport boys played
he tryed hard in gym, became homecomming king, and went through the birds and the bees
he even had the ladies crawling back on thier knees
he joined the army
he would be the most masculine example he would imagine he was happy
but deep down he feared he still might be gay
he had a way about him that other people caught unto
they noticed he'd make rings and such in his free time
just because the boy liked to sew
and make prettys things that would shine and glow
he figured he had a touch of ****
he figured because he liked bright things
and occasionally would watch a few chick flicks and cry
that he was'nt man enough
that he was'nt tough enough
because in america boys dont cry
thier taught to hold there feelings inside
and soon this man was withered and old
and through the years he gave up on the bright things
he figured he'd rather be unhappy then thought of as gay
so the day that he was on his deathbed
he finally admitted it

My car broke down today.
I am depressed.

I tried to get it up the hill, but it could not make it.
I am depressed.

I could not sell anything at work today.
I am depressed.

I am on the pursuit of happiness.
And I am depressed.

I am torn between two paths.
And I am depressed.

I'm listening to those same sad songs.
And I am so depressed.

I feel like vomiting and ******* and crying.
Oh yes, I am depressed.

I couldn't find what it was to be happy.
I have been so depressed.

I'm writing this with my eyes closed now.
It makes me a little less depressed.

I could only find a void.
I stayed quite depressed.

When I laughed it even reached my eyes for a while,
but underneath, unbeknownst even to me I remained
very depressed.

I thought I could determine my own emotions,
What a fool I've been, depressed.

Tryed to find my self worth hidden somewhere,
There are no values when you are depressed.

I'm remembering different me's,
but I don't know anything, depressed.

Where will I go from here,
I don't care, just let me be, depressed.

Oh I may never change,
I may always be,
depressed.

when i met you
you were  like a catipiler
i tryed to aproach you
you matured in a cocoon
feelings started to grow
you broke out of your shell
i realized how much i liked you
you spread your wings and took flight
true beuty is you
when i see you
I get butterflys

When it's real then it's real not fake,
If you love me then love me cause I love you bae.
Your the only thing that's making me real
2 makes a couple so a set for me and a set for you so are we foreal?
And when we disagree it's not a diss
So agree is somewhere in this big deal.
Maybe it was a small deal,
How I tryed to change the subject and you bot the lies I was telling you.
See *** leaks but love overflows ,
I'm in your dreams but I can't get you out my mind though...

I was unlucky to cross your path.
As the helpless butterfly
trapped in a spiders web.

The more I tryed to escape,
It's web covered my body.
Pressing down on my lungs,
I can't breathe.

I didn't cry for help
Pride consumes me
like the spiders web.
Silence...

Your perverted voice is what I hear.
Humming like a bug in my ear.
Looking for your next prey

You make me sick.
I was unlucky to have met you.
You filthy *****.

Little baby* ohh so small.
You're such a little baby.
You c r y all day, and c r y all night if nothing ever works out right.
You **** on the world, whenever you feel, because since your a little baby you can't tell whats real.
Laughs can't take away the t e a r s, because when you grew older you struck everyones hearts with fear
You decided to walk away from everything that was i m p o r t a n t to you one day, and found darkness and took comfort in it's stay, I tryed to help you out of this dark abyss you got yourself into, but you decided to pull everyone down, including, my l i t t l e  b a b y you.

I am sophisticated in
my own way I addmire
the summer for I get to
cool off  

I am sophisticated
because I make sure that
my dreams become reality
why can't you see that
I love my imagination
I love you more then you know

I am sophisticated
because I handled the
pain of the unknown that
you caused now I'm an addict
the passion of rap is
what I've got just like the
passion of writing that you've
got I never tryed to fit in
I was just sharing my deepest
desires with you for me to
be on stage not for the women
but for my licking

I am sophisticated
because I learnt to
make my dream a reality
and you've never
supported me on that dream
now you claiming that you love
me while I loved
you unconditionally
yea I'm a "rap addict"
at least some people
appreciate what I do
people who are loyal and wish
for the best out of me

I am sophisticated because
I follow what I believe in.

Once a upon a time there was a boy name Sin.

His hair was black and he walked with a Grin.

He had a goat but not someone to call friend.

Sin ate, walked and ran with this goat,
Until one day that Goat spoke.

And it said " tale me a joke"?

Bursting with excitement Sin said "I...I don't know?"

The Goat replied and said "just try"?

So Sin in thought in circles he walked until his brain fried.

Then The Goat said stop looked up and thought and said " the best joke is to lie".

The Goat taught everything to this boy like how to get friends.

And with that Grin Sin said " together we will rule the land"

The Goat said you will be my body and I will be your head.

Sin said how can you do that?
The Goat said "I can do all things that are not possible my FRIEND".

Sin now caught to attention and touched by that word,
The relationship got deeper as Sin started to notice he was growing a tale.

"A tale????(sin)

A tale..( narrator)

As the Goat  laughed and said tale me about your self....

So sin tryed to speak but grew horns and started to choke.

As the Goat said " do you love my joke"?

(To be continued)

I can't hold this in i have to let this go,
the feelin inside stays, wit me an grows an grows,
can I live with a lie .an not live the truth
do i pay with distance memorys,
the sin that was never mine to begin ,
the past were i tryed to leave it ,
but name huge past forever not lost
" SO **** U GRANDFATHER ,
for R past so sweetly given ,
people like me make your life have some given an meanin ,
put thanks u won't get from me, all i can say is this ,
"******* U **** AN ****** DIE "

"Hello Poetry" people please remove the account the person tryed to scam me on this site. The name is the one above

At least I dead once
Speaking out like I will never speak again.
Voice became the voice of moses from bible.
Digging down with fingers like a chicken searching worms.

All sides eye's were into me.
Like singing Beatles song and dance.
Shame on rejection but tryed.
Making dreams come true.

Looking at her face I saw the fear. Don't go away wait for me.
Suspecting bad thing may happen
But all I wanted to say was that four later word and hear her emotions.

All I can say is that giving up is a language of people who undermine themselves.

Once upon a time there lived a child
This child had a name, william as his mother has it written
Well this child, much like the winds of the arabian desert, was alone, in a vast land, drifting his way through life, without purpose, and at every corner, there was always someone there, who didnt care about him, who taunted and teased him as though he was a goldfish stuck in a tank, well this child, william, began to lose hope in the end, he turned to bad people who influenced him to do bad things and learn bad skills, william, naive as he was, thought that those people loved him, he was wrong, in only the short span of a year william grew from a lonely boy, to a bad man, at least thats how he saw himself, until one day...this boy drifted around the corner once more with a look of greed in his eyes and saw a beautiful angel, he teased the angel as he saw fit to do by denying her chance to kiss him, pulling away at the last second and making out her romantics to be nothing more than a teenage lust brought on by simple hormones and such of that nature, but...little did he know...this girl had suffered a similar fate at youth as one he had been accustomed to, and she looked at him with unwandering eyes and a sympathy that the boy had never seen before in his life, she showed him kindness that he had never experianced from anybody in his whole life, she, this beautiful angel, with the same hardships and characteristics as he, proposed ice cream, roller skating,  simple,fun things, that made him feel like a child...she looked at him and what she saw was not a bad person in disguise trying to rip apart the world one broken heart at a time, she saw a young child blossoming into a young man right before her very eyes, and she kissed him, and he kissed her...fireworks, a match made in heaven, the boy had never felt love as great as the love he expressed in her company...and he lost the bad guy that was a parasite on his life...and that caused trouble...when he tryed to break up with a girlfriend...a couple actually...there was no truly bad man left in him to break the hearts of 2 young ladys that were a blotch on his perfect white shirt of a life...and even through this difficult task...even through the lies that this young individual weaved, the betrayal, the immence regret...she, the beautiful angel, although heartbroken, stuck by his side, helped him to end it with 2 ladies he didnt have the heart to be rid of, and she held him in her arms, and they cried together, and they loved together...and all of that passed nearly from their memory...but he could never forget, and he will be making it up to her with his eternal love forever, but not because he feels obligated, but because he loves her and he always will, and now that she is going through something in her life, that he cannot help with, he can do nothing but feel helpless...and continue loving her, no matter what

Because she is the only one who has ever loved him for who he really is...for the man he was born as, and so that cuncludes this story, i cant say they lived happily ever after, because honestly, i dont know that they did or that they will, all i know is...he is going to try...i am...going to get her back...because she is the only girl who has ever or will ever understand me and truely love me

Cheers!
To the moments I spent alone
Cheers!
To the times I laughed in your home
Cheers!
To the times I spent with you
Cheers!
to the times you were there when I was blue
Cheers!
To the time I climbed the watch tower
Cheers!
To the time when we picked flowers
Cheers!
To the late night bench talks
Cheers!
To the haters who tryed to mock
Cheers!
To the times I cried myself to sleep
Cheers!
To the memories that I get to keep
Cheers!
To when you stuck with me during their fight
Cheers!
For him showing me the light
Cheers!
To the fun i've had

And cheers!
To the fun that's yet to come.

I try to say am fine
But the words get stuck in my throat
I try to say am fine
With hands shaking,dripping with blood
I try to say am fine
While cowering away fron my demons
I try to say am fine
While clutching the ***** bottle between my knees
I try to say am fine
As i tryed to save them
GOD HELP ME
GOD HELP THEM
GOD SAVE US FROM THE MONSTER HIDDEN WITH IN ME!!!

I don't want to
I rather not
I hate to
What's the point
You gotta point why?
It keeps my hands tied
And all the words out my mouth is "well I tryed"
Walls close in on this side
Once again ima leave without a trace,
I hate to trace back in what I made
I rather not listen to the try's that I say
It's not that I don't want to,
...wait yes it is I don't wanna stay in this lustful place I made.

It seems i cant escape
sleep would overtake wake and still it devastates
Depression ;
crushes me with marvelous aggression
Feast for the beast find me deep in its digestion...

Never did i see
the sun shine on me as i sat beneath a tree
Shady ;
victory thrown like Tom brady
Pride chopped off like umbilical on babys...

Lazy summer days
sorrow acrobatic
It set his mind a blaze  
tryed to find comfort in a sister softer soul
Left his heart contorted
for every bridge a toll
I guess ;
usually he'd cross and watch it burn  
Trying very hard to not forget the lessons learned..

Ma gurlfriend tryed playing wit separate men at once
She a playa jus like dem
She Kant pretend she happy
Wen she playin
I said gurl
Yuo don wann be played
So why yuo playin?
And me
I don need other playas
Even tho ma friend
Don like playas
Eva.
She get mad of truth
But dose men will see
As Jake was one of her ex
But he kno betta now
Who real woman is.

I knew i would loose myself in the cold.

Ive been climbing this glacier for too long,

enduring the fridged winds and deadly slopes of the hillsides.

This is my nature a frozen iceland i was so use to the cold.

The company of frostbiten limbs reminding me i still have

some warmth to my body. My heart pumping the last of

the inevitabally dying warmth for so long i tryed to fight the cold,

to make belive i can make it out of this blizzard to find that warmth.

Every fire i ignited died out taking with it a little more energy.

Now i lay here facing the lone night sky embrassing the siberian cold

letting the cancerous frostbite chill my core and crystilze my blood.

each breath a kiss of death,

as i close my eyes my breath slows and i feel your warmth
one last time the heat of your heart and image of your smile draw out one last tear.

It corases my cheeck as it rolls towards the ground....then it lays solitary, frozen in time
and i let deaths cold hands **** the last flame i kept burning in my heart for you.

I feel like my mind is coked out and im a zombie, wandering aimlessly through this abyss we call life. Brain dead, scarred to do anything about it. There are days I feel like I could lift skyscrapers, and then there are theses days where im alone, inside dead and struggling to do anything with my life. In my head its going 300 miles an hour, but I move so slow and pathetic on the outside. The very thing that keepa me alive is whats killing me. How ironic? I had dreams and goals. High school cheerleaders I still needed to ****. **** random girls at lalapaoza. Do something epic with my friends ill never forget no matter what I put in my body... but responsibility and regret took my selfish goals and dreams out the Window. Dont pitty me, because I dont. I know I ****** myself over plenty of times due to me being a lazy *******. I still have these illusions of possibilities, of a better life. None that has me in the bathroom of my buddies house snorting death off the back of his toilet seat.  Or taking my happy meds right before some ****** looks at my girl and I beat his face in with a socket wrench. I had have to leave and jump from town to town to hide from me mind. I dont have multiple personalities... I have regretsyndrom, its ******* over the girl of your dreams with her cousin and hoping she doesn't find out. Arrogant ******* he is. Cant keep a ******* girl even if it were to save his pathetic life. He really is a ***** on the inside. The little ****** cries at the end of my girl and Charlie st cloud... but hes "hard" nothing but a wanna be... blames it on his regret for a girl... shut up dude he loved her. If he loved her we wouldnt have tryed to be with her cousin because we got bored. Whose we? You didnt say **** because you were too worried she would find out. Well she did, didnt she? Oh like you are always right... just like you thought it was a good idea to **** your step sister...? Huh? *******. Iys 9 oclock larry you need to to take your meds again... what? Answer the telephone. Larry your meds...! Answer the telephone steveie! Leave me alone. There's no Larry or Stevie here... no ringing... and I cant take medicine... go away... hello?
Well im alone again... uh great =/ come back guys...?

You see I’m broken, he used to say
My life gives no meaning to the time spent
What is there to live for?
I came to him and kissed him
But my love was never enough
For he despised something so low
In his search for greater reasons
And I lived for him in his darkest hours
tryed to tell him things like honor don’t matter
that I am here for him and that’s all that there is.
But he knew one day he’d be gone
And yet still thinking about our love
He would search determined to find
anything to prove me wrong
So he could justify his fear of being forever
in one place, with one person
experiencing the same fate
for in his love he couldn’t settle down
burning with fire impossible to extinguish
and what is left of him still writes this poem
while I’m recovering ready to give my heart
to someone that matters as once he did.

88
The supertramp tour
Back when gas was lower
Back when music made sense for sure.
88
A date that never ended
Bob Jones a friend Or intended,
Or tryed to be at least.
The band came out
Veil opened
Drumming beast.
Keyboard freak
Startled the keys of america
Supertramp,
No one cared but us!