Friday night apartment visits dressed in bed sheets
with safety pins scraping against bare backs
center stage: the hookah, the piles of *****,
and always you
this is where it all began I think, pointing to a wall, a floor
I pour another drink, the floodgates fail
I can no longer stare and bite my tongue like before
the words spew out one by one

shutup
I love you
I'm going to get that ******* main floor apartment downtown and
it'd be so ******* rad if I woke up to you every morning
and I could write about how we ****** six times before class and
how your eyes were a new shade of green on October 14th and
how I think sometimes you aren't actually real or
how I think you made a huge mistake picking me
another shot

shutup
I love you
I just wish I was a dancer and yes I'm crying about it
because the way you make me feel can't even be put into words
let alone on paper
I just want to writhe around a room for half an hour
and show you how my mind feels on saturday afternoons in your arms
oh why can't my body do the talking for once
another shot

shutup
I love you
Lets just spend the rest of tomorrow in bed, **** what I said
maybe **** me too if you want
I'd be okay with anything really lets sleep, lets stare at a wall
lets talk about our dreams and how I didn't see you coming at all
just give me something good to write about
once I somehow manage to get away from you and back home

shutup
I love you
don't let me go back home

Goodbye.
That’s how I’ll start it.
A simple goodbye should suffice for all of the years I’ve been diminishing into the darkness.
Nobody seems to notice the way I carry myself anymore.
I think it’s funny because when I’m gone I know they will envision me as their best friend.
They will explain how I never showed any signs and I was such a nice girl.
Shutup.
Shutup!Shutup!Shutup!
They don’t know me.
Nobody does.
Only he who vowed to keep my secrets.
Only he who vowed to keep his promises.
He won’t find out until it’s much too late that I’m actually gone this time.
Not just figuratively anymore. This time I’m gone and there’s no going back.
No more am I a contradiction of dead but still alive.
I am now dead on the outside just as much as I am on the inside.
Let me apologize before I say goodbye.
Let me tell you I wish I could’ve made you proud.
Let me tell you how lousy I feel.
But don’t pity me.
I’ve spent too long taking pity on myself for you to do the same.
Know now that I love you.
I love you like a butterfly loves the sunlight.
And I say my apologies in regret to inform you of the terrible life I have led.
Please, I beg you, please.
Live your life.
Enjoy yourself.
Grab the bull by the horns and hang on.
It’ll be the time of your life.

I’m obsessed with drowning you out,
of pushing your head under water
of choking the life out of this,
for fun.
For kicks to the ground,
for rocks in the gutter,
for some desperate need I have to ruin you,
to ruin this,
to **** it before it kills me.

Twitch

Fiddling thumbs
I didn't read that
I didn't hear that

Twitch

it'll be okay right
crank the tunes and stare at a blank sky
no cloud in sight

Twitch

I'll be okay right?
they like me right?
I'm not alone right?

Twitch

it won't be the same
it can't be the same
no no no no no

Twitch

If I wrote a symphony, who would hear me?
If I wrote a book, would you take a look?
I don’t understand the constant novel of out lives,
the narration of our thoughts.
I don’t understand how you see life or how you see me.
The poetic discord that is our thoughts, the cymbals of our lives crashing together
do people think the way
I do? Surely, but who?

The fascination that comes
Could it ever be undone?
I’m confused on how I breathe, just being me,
I can’t escape the constant beating of my mind
my heart would skip a beat
if my pen did not teach me how to breathe.

And I’d like very much to..
Go through life as a paintbrush,
sending color to the darkness and the light,
to make a beautiful mess of this place.
To paint closed eyes open to a world that I can see,
to bring this vision out from inside of me.

But I don’t
Want to scare you with how I think
The monster consumes the air I breathe is ink.
Exhaling words on to paper that surrounds me
the chaos that controls my hands and lifts my feet
and takes me on a ride,
never far enough away from this constant I create.
This wonderland of absence to the fake.
My dreams make more sense when I’m sleeping
it gets hard to tell when I’m awake, even then I can’t help but shake. Trembling monster inside me, can’t hide me.
I’m lost. But I’d rather not find me.
Out loud

I’ll write it all down,
trying to match the rhythm of my hand to the pulsating thoughts in my brain.
Does anyone feel this way?
I’d like to show you…
I’m bleeding. Dripping. Painting a scene.
Oh, I’m painting a scene.
Its SO LOUD I wish it would SHUTUP
Shutup and let me breathe, I am painting, painting a scene.

Step into my eyes, I dare you.

Men who look like ferris wheels
every color representing different aspects of their personality

The first three words don't have to be beautiful
they just have to make sense
like connecting dots on paper

men who love with their fists
and hate with their mouths
who once were boys taking things apart
like remote controls their own fathers used to beat     Obedience into their small bodies.  Left them with a fury tattooed across their hearts
Just to give them the challenge of putting themselves back together

They buy their wive's flowers after
a four day bruise isn't so glaringly purple anymore
not so accusing-
kiss her broken ribs
and tell their children midnight stories

children trained as mood detectors
human robots
know when to shutup
speak when you are spoken to*

Men who speak like cutting boards
Every slice of the knives in their toungues leave
hollow aching missing parts
just to teach their children that not all
things can be put together once taken apart

whose daughter glues together the parts of old telephones
to spite the missing pieces
so every welt he beats into her bones
she sings herself unbroken
until she stands robust and imperfect
there are holes in her armour
but she holds it together

with her fathers fists.

Policeman:
You, hands above your head,
Turn around, no sudden movements.

Black man:
Officer I......

Policeman:

Shutup, on your knees, hands behind,
Your head!

Blackman: Sir I....

Policeman:

   Shut the **** up! (Taser pointed)
-Handcuffs the black man -

Policeman:
Now, what did you want to say sir?

Why do we value love?
Why are we incomplete?
If there is a God I hate him.
I feel cheap.
One half of a puzzle,
With no ******* piece.
Waiting for the fit of key to lock,
In a day never to be.

When I was young I could smile and mean it.
Now I’m old and its all fake.
Now I’m deaf and I can’t take it.
Now I’ve lost brothers, friends, mothers,
Now I’m mature.
And its not fair.
Its life, simply put,
A mistake.

It would be different if I wasn’t so self aware.
My greatest critic myself.
My cursed brilliance always looking, always finding,
Something new to hate, something else not perfect,
Never right, never good enough,
But never intent enough to change.

Self Destruction in the most cruel of ways,
I don’t even believe in belief,
Or in vision or faith.
It only goes lower,
Setting up myself higher,
For even greater pains.

I know your thinking,
Be happy it could be worse.
You could be a kid in Africa,
Starving or hurt.
Your naïve shutup.
You know it all freak.
What is worse say I,
To be starved in the body,
Or in heart and soul.

For the whip of the universe,
To caress your body,
Or break what it can’t take.
I belong to no one,
I am only mine.
But this is not a gift,
It’s a curse,
Of a unique unremedy,
Wherein I shall lie for eternity.

If* only you were a little less bent
Fixable
Like, a little less hollow
Gullible

"If only you would just! stop! thinking!
For once
You must be tired
I mean OH MY GAWD
Its like you're wired!

And like, your're way too cynical
Sarcastic, witty sure, but that's just
typical!
Arrogance, you think your're better-
than- Oh wait look at that hot guy,
his name is Brent-
Wait, wait

Now, what was it I was saying-
Yeah your'e like way too
cold, puts people off
Your're disarming...
No wait-I meant alarming
haha!


I mean smile, for once
Laugh at a joke!
Talk to the guys,
Gosh, you don't even ****!
-All you do is mope,
I mean seriously c'mon
I'm trying to be nice
You have such potential!-"

-"shutup you dumb *****."

girl you in danger
bad as a power ranger
understand i got a fever
phil collins
in the air tonight
your body goes back forward sideways
bout to send your *** back to college
for your major she says
oo you so sauve
i go you go both ways
more foreplay
have her hittin dolphin notes
no boat or a yacht
but im renting out this one place
and if your down id like to take your mans place
she says just shutup dont ruin the moment

our palms and shins hit the floor, hard
the sound of our bones hitting the wood
echoes and your face shows the pain
you look at me, I look at you
a bandaid, yes, no, an ice pack
our spines and tailbones hit the grass, hard
the sound of our nervous whispers and
the lighter flickers through the night
your face shows your nerves
you look at me and unfold
I start to spiral out of control
but I attempt to keep my cool
I'm wearing 4 layers you'd think it
wouldn't be this hard but hey, it usually is
our lips hit eachother, hard
and then my lips hit your neck
and your lips hit my shoulder
and my shoulder hits your stomach
and your stomach touches mine
the sound of your breathing,
my breathing, sighs, sheets, skin on skin
you're whispering my name so quietly
my ear comes off and stretch out to your
mouth so they can hear more of you
our backs hit the bed, hard
and now you're on top of me
the sounds of the last time we fell fill
the air and you say something about
finally and I say something about don't
jinx this and we both shutup
and listen to the moment
the sound of the moment finds its way
through your bedroom door and sits on
the chair next to your queen size mattress
our heads and our hearts fall out of our
bodies and find their way to
each other on the cold tile floor
the sound of desperate crawling
fills the room and we look at each other
confused
time will never, ever be on your side, you said
no amount of luck or stitches could save me now
my hand cups your cheek and you close your eyes
one day
everything's going to be okay
one day
it will be okay

Manic spells have gripped him well
the ups and downs his worthy crown
Kingly view, but worldy hue
He doesn't find much laughter.
He slew his enemies, with righteous idignation,
But wealth, (it seems) is the mightiest nation.
(...)
Hesitation.
Is He worthy? (Of his crown)
Can he lead? (His children)
...
reflecting,
The war begins.
He smiles, he grins.
"We win"
Past sins...
Hold no weight; When the path is straight
& narrow
Firey arrows...
Quenched!?
With which whench?
Hath hitch hence!
Another False-pretense.
"Such non-sense"
...
"Haha shutup"
^-^
...
He picksup'
Hisword.
(Honed.
Sharp.
An Awe-inspiring, blade of Legend.)
And counts the costs of the reward.
How can He afford.
To not:
See?

I'm like a janitor
Except I mop the floors with my heart
I put it in a bucket and Roll it around on my cleaning cart
I wanna save everyone else
But don't know how to save myself
It's easier to help others while I hide my problems behind covers
The fear of it all coming back distantly hovers
I help the ungrateful in response to their crying mothers
I'm tired
I'm exhausted
I need someone to help I
Need someone to help me pass the days by
Someone help stop me
I'm about to die
The I y'all used to know won't ever see light
She flew away like a flying Kite
I'm trying to find the string but it's nowhere in sight
Help me look
Read in between the lines I'm an open book
Help me replace the parts they took
Let's go shopping at the store
Please I beg u I'll love you more
I feel it in my soul down to the core
I need someone to help me
Help me
Help me
Help me
Listen to me I sound so depressing
No not depressing just non expressing
And now I'm crying out for attention
But I'm a female shutup they say go to the kitchen
Why am I being raised as a house wife
That doesn't sound exciting no that's not how I wanna live my life
I needed to express myself so I chose the arts
But art can't hold me when the deep down pain starts
What Art can do is release me for a minute
But I find its transforming me into a heartless bigot

I really want you to miss me.
Not "imu" but "i miss you lene"
I want you to notice that I'm gone.
Because you frustrate me but your never@home
But see when i am.. its nunu shutup ****!
Is get out my face do the ****** dishes.
It's not my fault you're hungry.
Well it's not my fault you don't have money.
If you didn't want a kid why did u have me?
I woulda been happier to be in a basked..
Awaiting for a stranger to see me on his doorstep.
Because you see that silence hurts when i tell you something important.
You see they say I'm loud at school but at home she's unwanted..

AN: There are no errors. Every word, every space, everything is done on purpose.

Call it creepy.
Call it weird.
Call it masochistic.
I don’t care.
You don’t know,
you can’t fathom
how it feels
to see your blood well up
fill the tiny little channels
in your skin.
Watch your skin turn red,
then fade to pink,
then finally to white.
You don’t know
how it feels
to see your blood reach up
toward the stars,
dying white to red
in a matter of seconds.
You don’t know
what it’s like
to have your whole life
hang in the balance of
a pushed up sleeve.
To harbor secrets
so much darker
than the darkest of guesses.
You can’t know
the feeling of a defaced cross
forever imprinted in your skin
when you press you arm against
something flat.
You can’t understand
the easiness of a trance.
The lack of thought,
except maybe
“look how pretty”
or perhaps
“Bleed, bleed, bleed!”

You think you know
the pressure of-
not the blade,
because that’s not all
I use. More-
sharp objects,
but you don’t.
You think it’s all emotional,
bring mental pain to
physical pain.
or it’s a pathetic plea for
attention.
or it makes me feel better.
or I want to fit in.
or .
or.
or.
All this psychological
devaluation.
It’s all
wrong.
Chemical imbalance?
I guess we’ll never know.
I’m sure as hell
not getting
tested.
So you can throw me away
and lock up the key-
or is it the other way around?

No, you’re out of
your mind.
You want to overanalyze
me,
over complicate
me.
It’s simple.
I want to see myself
bleed.
I want to see what’s supposed
to be on the inside
on the outside.
Why does there have to be more?
Why do you have to blame my depression?
or Mommy?
or Daddy?
Because that’s the most widely accepted
excuse?
Rather than the truth?
Why would you rather believe
lies?
It shouldn’t be so hard
to find a name for this.
A name that doesn’t also apply
to biological disorders.
That’s not what this is.
This is something
solely
in my brain.
Neither
nature
nor nurture
but
a neurosis
that simply
is.
I have a
neutral
relationship with my
‘disorder’.
I don’t try to do away with it,
and it doesn’t try to
**** me.
But you don’t believe that.
It’s not healthy.
It’s bad.
You spout off meaningless
facts**statistcs
about suicides
in my age group.
How some
-emotional!-
cutters
accidently go too far
resulting in their
death.
SHUTUP!
I know what
you’re saying.
I understand
the statistics.
I know why
you’re concerned.
I get it.
But I’m ok.
Honestly, I am.
It may not seem like it,
I know,
but I swear it’s true.
I’m ok with who I am.
I have no shame.
Really.
You don’t know
how this is.
so just leave me
alone
and help someone
who really needs it.

Because I.
Do.
Not.

I know you don't love me
Like I love you
I'm just another stupid
Boy to you
Skipping over words
Getting tongue tied
Shaking high school fingers
At your ***** line

Stupid boy
Shutup you don't know what love is
It's not something you put in a poem
Or a stupid metaphor about roses that are blooming
While others fall apart

I learned to keep my mouth shut a long time ago
Children seen and not heard
Keep that mouth shut and your ears open
And you learn a lot about the world
How people treat you and decieve you
And leave you for dead
Stop looking for good samaritains
They don't exist
Take why you can
The world is done when you die
Bite the hand that feeds
Then spit in his eye

Yeah they say
They say
They all have somethin to say
And if you dont believe something
You follow on anyway

I know one thing though
That I do love you
And I heard when you said
"Id leave you for dead
If I ever got the chance to"
You said you would rob me blind
And leave me broken
Rub dirt in my eyes
Give me a curse  
At the side of the road where no one will stop you  
Left to lick my own wounds
And bleed out under glowing
Silver full moons
Yeah
You've told me
I've heard what you say
That doesnt mean I'm not gonna love you
Anyfuckinway

To Em
I’ve been tryin to send you letters for the longest time now
But they’ve got me movin  
Bed to bed
Hospital to hospital
Everything is dirt here
They say Im gonna lose both my legs, Em
Truth is I’m scared
I’m far away from home
In this ****** jungle
And I’m just trying to survive
I don’t wanna die Em
I wanna see you so bad. I Know
This is all a dream and in a minute Ill wake up
And you’ll be layin there next to me warm
Your hair all soft on my face
I can smell your perfume

Teardrops

Tell me Em that your waitin for me
That I ain’t comin home alive
For you
And you ain’t there
Em, your my life
Your my angel
Savin me from all of this
I lay here and listen to full grown men cry and beg for death
Men screamin for their mommas

Teardrops

I lay here quiet with my pillow over my head just dreamin about you
Bout us
In my bedroom wakin up in the morning cause the dog wont shutup and has to ***
And I can just get up and let him out
I just wanna walk on the grass in the front yard
Inside your wearin my Led Zepplin  shirt just smiling at me standin out there like a fool
I just wanna hear the dogs bark down the street again
I just wanna see my room
**** in my own toilet
Sleep in my own bed
Brush my teeth in my own sink
And for ******* christ’s sake take a shower

I think about you all the time Em
And if I die
I promise no matter how bad it hurts
Ill be thinkin bout you
Takin me to heaven
Kissin me on my shoulder.  Huggin me on my neck

The conflicts of my "morals" and the switch of my beliefs. Why should I be in the hot seat if a "taken" man wants to cheat. I'm not married so calling me dawns the denial of your defeat. I'm not trying to break up a "happy home" you could leave……but you choose to accept it. I'm sorry I'm not concerned that you're aged and you feel neglected. Go ahead and think I'm *******.…but if I have his card who am I to not charge it. Put a leash on your husband and stop blowing up my phone, maybe you should creep and you wouldn't feel so alone. Does it make me a bad person if I don't really care. I'm not you and I'm not stressing out my hair. He goes out of his way....to pop up at my club when you're sleep so what does this say. You can trust that I don't seriously want him, makes no sense when I can see how he treats you. Just please shutup, walk away....or let it defeat you.

If they don’t let me be with you in this universe
I’ll pull us into another
If they don’t let us be together in life
I’ll die for you my lover
They don’t decide what we are
Or what we get to be
They don’t make us
Our souls are free
They can shutup
Leave us alone
Let them say what they won’t to say
I won’t give u up
Whatever they say my love
They won’t mess us up

she moved in at around 2 in the morning. I had a new roommate. I woke up groggily after hearing voices and tried to shape her with my eyes but I couldn't make out much. I went back to sleep.

next morning I woke up and saw her. cream soda colored eyes....to die for. we spoke maybe a sentence and then I left the room. I'd always contemplated what it would be like having a girlfriend in a mental hospital.

all day we went through counseling groups along w other girls but I kept searching for her hazel eyes.

we spoke to each other and pretended as if we annoyed each other (flirting) and I was having fun w this girl.

it was nighttime and we were in the room, still flirting. she was given medicine and was acting particularly goofy. we were both being obnoxious and messing w each other. I said something like 'shutup' and she came close to me, talking trash. our faces were inches apart. I made it a point to stare at her lips...cotton candy. we sat there for a minute just staring in silence until I moved closer to her. I expected her to then move the rest of the way so our lips would touch but she just stayed there staring so I went in for the kiss. her lips.... we kissed again and then moved on as if nothing had happened. I had to have her.

she kept coming over to my bed, climbing over me and getting in my face, and I kept grabbing her neck and kissing her. I had to. I'd be a fool if I didn't. she was beautiful.

at one point things were getting heavy and she warned me that once she was revved up she could not stop. that made me even hungrier. not before she gave me the most vibrant hickie of my life, she said she had to stop or she'd have me right then and there.

the night went on.

I got discharged from the hospital the next day and I replied to the note that she had written me earlier ('since I'm a bit mad at you right now I guess I'll just write it. I like you a lot.....') and I told her that I liked her too.

our last kiss was the most painful.

When you don't play basketball,
That is a social downfall,
When you don't play fortnite,
People tell you to play every night,
Why can't I relate,
To my fellow guys who talk about a date,
All they do is talk about fights,
Roast each other without rights,
To whom can say what,
About girls and buts,
I feel bad for some girls,
Who have guys after them in swirls,
I try to be nice to them every moment,
She is a sweet friend,
And even though I have feelings for her too,
I don't want her to be my boo,
Will she start hating me?
Am I showing them too much glee?
Some guys are just nuts,
Others get into ruts,
I don't like how they act,
I am annoyed by both genders sometimes,
But that's not why I am writing these rhymes,
What I want to say is be equal,
And compliment good people.
One more thing...Is it okay to not like watching sports?
Have a semi-racist joke but not be racist?
Read books and do work,
But play games where gamers lurk,
I am white and not cool?
Why do they not believe!
I am Puerto Rican!
I only got semi-popular,
By winning roast battles,
I hate when they boast,
Because it rattles,
I don't want to be friendly.
All I try to be is nice.
But when people annoy me it will suffice,
With hyper and random actions,
Messing around with friend groups and factions.
On myself I need traction,
I wish I could stop,
No I don't want to be on top,
Of the game or fame,
That's mainly fake,
Like the rake,
Plastic cake,
For God sake,
Shutup.

There is no light without darkness.
There is no peace without violence.
We struck a chord, dissonance.
Our bodies touched, fulfillment.

There is no you without emotions.
There is no me without silence........

You cut yourself trying to find,
what lingers in this shutup mind.

I use too many words.
Next time, I'll try to shutup.