"lidl" poems
i'm sick to death of this stinking routine
perpetual day time TV,
petty bickering
afternoon pub binges
hopeless job hunting morons everywhere,
i return to my hometown
to the place i was made, molded
created
and it suffocates me like never before
i think of the many reasons i left
they circle my thoughts for a long while
and then i'm left with one
one that overrides the lot
it takes a while to spit it out
because it's corny, it's stupid, it's not how we work
but
it's love
and the lack of it
the love here is in the mundane
the easy,
the norm.
it's not in the heart
the love around here lies in
television sets
and pirate DVDs
reduced chicken and new coffee machines
gambles on abused horses
saturday afternoons in the local
cheap holidays to Benidorm
a day trip to lidl
a weekday evening watching the soaps
a phonecall to a family member you don't care about
hours playing candy crush
the love has lost on us humans
the love here, it was lost on me too
it missed me out
they missed me out
it has instead transferred in this
reality tv, selfie indulgent zeitgeist
it has left our silly bodies
and i'm still clinging on
trying to dissapear from that
new century bubble
trying to pick up pieces
of that porcelain mosaic
that old style bric a brac
so long ago forgotten
pressure is everywhere
notifications beep
this tiny block of perspex
waiting to be touched
waiting to be in communication
with someone at the other side of the city
the other side of the world
oh what a sad existence
when all we love is through the inanimate
and not ourselves
but hey thats the way of the world
and we have to accept it
or hate it
because we can't do both
we have to accept our fast paced tumultuous society
always moving through space and time
at times, difficult
painful
hard
sore
but consumerism, capitalism and cronyism
it all exists in this big society
this 'we're all in it together' society
and it cant be ignored.
Apr 5, 2016
Apr 5, 2016 at 5:02 PM UTC
Through the smoke, **** and *****
A parking fine, ***** on it.
The most horrid sight, we’re used to it, right?
The capital’s disgusting and we’re ******
Lengthy ques for employment,
Assorted drugs for enjoyment,
Our bank account’s bust, believe it we’re ******
The government won’t even lend a hand.
Will it be Lidl or Aldi?
Wetherspoons, cheap and rowdy.
An overdraft to, purchase more *****
Fracking makes us hate you more, it’s true.
Unpunctual trains, privatisation.
It’s ******* cold at the station.
Elite middle class, this country’s a farce,
Don’t even get me started on the EU.
Chicken wings and pollution,
Private health care – THAT’S THE SOLUTION!
Increased licence fees, no money for tea,
Five more years of Cameron and we’re *******
Sep 9, 2015
Sep 9, 2015 at 6:19 PM UTC
1. Understand Weather.
(Strangers on a bench,
Looking up.)
“Cirrus, I think.
Cirrocumulus?”
“Stratus surely.
Or altocumulus.”
(You must also hate the cold
And the sun,
And always wish the current season
Was a different one.)
2. Never Be Honest About Stuff That Hurts.
Pain so bad
Can’t even **** –
“How are you, Arthur?”
“Brilliant, thanks!”
3. Have An Opinion On These People
Katie Price (Feminist? Witch?)
Kate Moss (Goddess? *****
Stephen Fry (Snob? Wilde?)
Frankie Boyle (Offensive? Mild?)
4. Never Talk About Money.
“So.” An American asks. “How much do ya make?”
“I…I…Oh My God look at that dog over there that has a face like a pancake!”
5. Learn How To Apply The Class System To Cigarettes.
Pipe – Monty Withnail
Silk Cut – Comfortably Middle.
Lucky Strikes – Probably not British.
B&H; – Shops at Lidl.
6. Secretly (Or Openly) Enjoy The Royal Family
“So, did you hear what they called the baby?”
My boyfriend shrugs and says -
“I don’t give one tiny ****
“They named him George. Isn’t that twee?”
“Aw ******* hell, I had a tenner on Louis!”
7. Hey Jude.
If all else fails,
At the end of the night,
Sing na-na-na
And it’ll be alright.
8. Never Complain About Your Meal
“Hm. These mussels look a bit suspect.”
“How’s your meal, Sir?”
“Perfect!”
9. Always Hate The French, (Even If Your Own Mother Is French)
Numberplate 'F'
On an articulated lorry.
“Stuck up…onion…bastards.”
(I’m sorry mum, I’m so sorry!)
10. ‘Jerusalem’
Mime a sword in your hand,
Bang your chest with devotion,
Wave the sword about,
Sing with emotion.
Sep 27, 2013
Sep 27, 2013 at 10:35 AM UTC
No...more...bickerin,
your eyes flickering you're nickering
your nit pickin' lost it quick as the Dickens
My tracks a hell of a kickin'
you're just the next feckin victim,
of the flow bound Hurricane of sense and rhythm,
The Sensemilla Sensei Kempei of verbal Kempo's home,
Like Alladin and Saladin mixed with a Party Boobytrap a Paladin of Palindrome...
The Storm rider glider blasts you through the other side of the Thunderdome
My - Spitfire drips Ire as ********* ***** fire Surprise in your eyes quick blast from the past from a .50 Cal Microphone-
Fiend in me soul under control you failed your roll,
will check failed-I check wills,its a Checkmate mate you-best quill your will and will to build some soul
Its a dill of pickle you're in - you're a nickle worth of Nickleback stickleback sticklebricking best Lego
I let go last, I'm the Legolas of the fast pass in the underpass stick you fast now you're stuck fast I buck fast at your glass of Buckfast
the Truculent, ever vigilant-words are Succulent got you diggin' in
diggin' out a liddle bit of Lidl in a stolen digger,move quicker stop the friggin' in the riggin' little Pigpen Pigeons time to drop the bridge in...
Mar 17, 2018
Mar 17, 2018 at 6:08 PM UTC
On the poster, outside Aldi, it
states that the O'Byrnes family
saved 347 Euros this month.
What was not mentioned, is,
Mrs O'Byrne who is known
to the Police, is a seasoned
shoplifter, she has been banned
from Dunne's Stores, Tesco and
more recently, at Lidl on The Park.
A Spokesperson for Aldi has
acknowledged that The O’Byrnes
were actually caught in the act
with 347 Euros of product, but
rather than prosecute, they opted
for the benefits from advertising.
The O’Byrnes have moved their
operation and are now shopping
a Dan O’Mahony’s riverside store.
I met them there yesterday.
May 10, 2019
May 10, 2019 at 2:06 AM UTC
this is about love and i hate it. this is ******** and blushing gushing words from my red cheeks maybe i mean both kind but that's between you and me and i love it. This is me saying this ******* awful poem and wanting to drink battery acid at how cliche it is. This is me probably not looking you in the eye in the audience because a. I will laugh and b. anxiety tells me not to just in case i accidentally activate my lazer death eyes and incinerate you and that would **** because I'd like to own a dog with you at some point. This is me, even though i tell you every day, telling you that you annoy the **** out of me and that you pronounce caramel wrong. its caramel not carmle you ******* reprobate. This is me saying yeah **** IT let him see the over emotional gremlin made of paint and trash who lives exclusively off sweet potato, crisps and whiskey. This is me taking off the mask for you, and the balacava, and the large duffle coat and thick gardening gloves and 8 pairs of leggings. this is me thanking you for being so patient as i cry in bed because i left lidl knowing full well the lady charged me wrong and i owe her money and i can never go back there again or show my face in public and also for all the other times i've cried in bed over dumb **** How to train your dragon 2, the many times i've convinced myself im dying of insert terminal illness here, when you said I love you and I said 'what ever'. This is me being less of the pile of garbage i was before i met you. Now my bin bag has some fake jewels on it and its shiny and sparkly.
Feb 4, 2017
Feb 4, 2017 at 8:57 PM UTC
That these images have been part of my life is too surreal
I walked through Italian cobbles
Rested my head over canals
Bought a pastry each from the Lidl
With the same pack on my back then
That's hanging on my bedpost now
Fields in Maine
I never knew blueberries looked like fire in October
or that wine and cheap chocolate
are best at the boat dock in a thunderstorm
I soon discovered
three feet of snow is the same as six
and sea glass calls to everyone
I have wished and pleaded
for every gift, but
all I'm gaining is... questions
Like what place can hold me up
And who will not hold me down
I tried too hard not to need people
now I only love myself
Dec 18, 2016
Dec 18, 2016 at 4:54 AM UTC
Easter will be late this year.
It's still cold and the blossoms
shine pink,
carpet bombing indiscriminately.
Easter will be late this year.
March paces itself
striding to the end
of the tax year, the start
of price hikes and a train
of trans-continental refugees
from some god-awful war
just spitting distance from Lidl.
Easter will be late,
but Mother's Day will bring
a distraction of blue elastic bands
bound around barely blooming daffs,
happy in damp sticky hands.
And then they'll be the anticipated
crucifixion.
Resurrection
can't come soon enough.
Mar 12, 2022
Mar 12, 2022 at 12:02 AM UTC
Can somebody tell me just when did this happen
commentary on when the bean is ready to ripen
we had tea long before time
from China down through the Himalayas, our army marched on this stuff
we all now have a new flavoured taste, the humble cup of tea is now considered a crime
From the elegance of Earl Grey to the builder’s cup of Yorkshire
to be handed this over a mocha or latte, oh how those new snobs do sneer
seventy pence for that cup of drivel, I would rather die a thirsty death
a bit like shopping in Lidl, only at my last breath
Sitting down with paper in hand, let me look like I’m part of a movement
I’m one of you, were part of a clan, our work taking up life’s joyous fulfilment
Order a bagel or maybe a donut, take a box back for the guys in HR
I know I’m being ripped off, but best look like a toff, as I struggle to pay for my flash car
And there we have it and what we create, a brand now known in our time
from the mods to the rockers and onto the 80’s yuppie,
to be different is seen as a crime
They rock up to work, Costa in hand as they clock in with their key fobs
for these are the people of today and will always be seen
as the new age coffee snobs.
JJB
May 23, 2018
May 23, 2018 at 6:00 AM UTC
Queuing at the airport the flights non-stop
Off to Benidorm in a football top
Pants three quarter, tattooed arms
Overweight Wife with ample charms
Check-in complete & straight to the bar
It’s only 6am but they don’t care
Their duty free stuffed in to Lidl bags
***** whisky & 400 ****
They’re now half cut & the kids start to cry
They board the plane & they sit nearby
A 2hr flight with the family from hell
Hoping they’re not staying at your hotel
You’re all on the coach now & on your way
They smell of cigarettes & body spray
He turns around in a right old state
And slurs at you ‘Where ya staying mate’?
Through gritted teeth and raw contempt
You tell him the El President
‘Same as us’ he says with pride
Stretching his pants to squeeze his gut inside
The El President has lost its charm
My wife looks forlorn as she grabs my arm
As in the lobby with kids aloft
Are 100 more slobs in their football tops..
May 24, 2020
May 24, 2020 at 6:04 AM UTC
Jack and Jill went up to Lidl
To queue for toilet paper
Jack got bored and soon he snored
Jill's patience was much greater
Jill queued on and moved along
Until allowed to enter
She found a pack and on the way back
Kicked Jack with pent-up anger.
Apr 25, 2020
Apr 25, 2020 at 4:00 PM UTC
I#m drunk
on the ***** I drank
after mushooms I ate
that just might have stuff that can **** me.
Iäm drunk
on the champagne that stank
of the cheap aperol
that I bought when on discount at LIDL.
I6m drunk
and I don't want to bank
on the pictures of mushrooms
that have no intention of killing.
I*m drunk
in my bed I just sank
to ignore all the horror
of leaving my kids with no mother.
Nov 15, 2018
Nov 15, 2018 at 3:34 PM UTC
It's mediums cover an untethered mass of production
And yes, it usually just comes from a bit of fun
Kids in the class to a scratch in the sand
From learning the recorder onto a rock and roll band
See it as tosh, well class it as you will
Marvel at its psychedelia whilst swallowing the bitterest pill
A bedroom left in ruin from a woman, hardly feminine
I forget her name, oh there we go, nice work Tracey Emin
Rose tainted spectacles for the ones we love and desire
In reality, probably better off in the fire
But don't knock it until you have tried it as you have no right to really speak,
An artists soul can encapsulate a moment even it is dreary and bleak
Pick up that pen sat by your side and have a squiggle,
Look at things, objects, people, best place? Probably Lidl
The odder the human the better the detail to find and pick
Start to build a portfolio, everything has to start brick by brick
As,
Anything You Invent is Art
JJB
Jan 18, 2019
Jan 18, 2019 at 10:38 AM UTC