Ah DND, the wondrous world of fiction
While that may be nice for you
My favorite DND is do not disturb
That way when I don't get a response, it doesn't hurt as much

I haven't published in so long
I haven't texted in so long
I haven't been
I haven't done

Do not disturb
Mute everything
No one responds anyhow
Or reaches out

Well, of course when they need something
I was about to send you a song
And while I may not have self worth
I know you WONT be worth my time, or anyone else's

So I wrote this instead
And Alyssa if you're reading this

*******.

You aren't reading this
You aren't doing anything you want to
Other than make me hate you
So it " hurts less "

What a mess
With no one to clean it up

Who in the hell is moving our game pieces
We need someone new

I need someone that isn't you.

P.S. This wasn't right

It seems that while I play in this vast peculiar world filled to the brim with adventures I have found my peace.In this mystical world you create yourself with no limitations. You the people who travel with me help create my peace and serenity. The greatness of this all is I have made my friends. Friends who like me want to go on an adventure that has no limits to who or what you can be. While we all live in very different worlds we have united. The power of DND has brought us together. I have found unique people to play my favorite game with me. In these worlds you have the power to create your destiny. Destiny will be found eventually...

I spent years of my life in a fantasy world.

waters inhabited with murlocs
Forests with centuars and unicorns
I had badass armor
Spellbooks, Abilities, Charisma modifiers!

When you live in Dungeons and dragons you finish quests, unlock gods,
Slay Monsters

When my DnD group broke up

I didn't lose a group of friends.
I lost a party of adventurers

Their eulogies pronounced at the end of that final nat one
Will never be forgotten.

Portaits carved like improv comedy routines.
Characatures of our ideal selves
Bound, sealed, stuck on a book shelf
We deserved another sequel.

When the party healer crumpled her car against a Concrete wall at 70 miles an hour
It made sense nobody else knew how to cast raise dead.

In a world that is supposed to play out our ideal realities
it was no question her charecter lived eternal. the way she would have wanted.
The way we wanted so badly to be true.
Nobody felt right taking over her charecter.
And nobody wanted to **** her off.
So we wrote her story.
Every die she had tossed this whole adventure. Each murloc she ran from, each unicorn she rode, etched into a leather bound tome.
Placed Right on the same shelve we kept our pathfinder books.
Her headstone.
We never played after that.
But she did.
When we placed the novel next to the flowers her mother left.
We felt her cast healing song
one last time
And that night
We got a full rest

I spent years of my life in a fantasy world.

Well. Lots of fantasy worlds.

My clothes were cooler
Voice smoother

Choices simpler.

You finish quests, unlock gods, Slay dragons
.
When my DnD group broke up I thought:

If I'm not the gnome bard or the elven ranger or the dwarven barbarian

Who am I?

The answer:

I'm the kid,

Who was doodling demons in the corners of classrooms.

Who didn't quite make it through the pacer test in one peice.

Who spoke up a little too loud about religion and not loud enough about being bullied.

Who didn't have party's to go to because he was to busy with his party of heroes.

Who will I be now?

I can write my charecter sheet however I want too.

Natural Twenty on my charisma

Critical hit my failures

Damage reduction on Haters.

In real life, I paint my face on blank canvas

I have one simple goal.

I want to levitate slightly off of the ground

While summoning an undead army and shooting fireballs from the sky.

I might not get there.

I'll be ****** though, if I don't roll for it.

To whoever he chooses to love next,
Hold onto him tightly.
Play with his hair,
Fall in love with his dog.
Let him fall asleep on your chest,
Even if you realize the t.v. remote is out of reach and you're stuck watching reruns of old shows.

Learn to at least give a shot to his interests,
If you don't share all of them.
Magic, music, and dnd are his biggest hobbies,
I can't tell you whether or not boy scouts will continue to consume a good chunk of his life,
But if you've the chance, go watch this areas Mic-o-say tribe dance.

Love him with every bone in your body,
And hold him when he cries.
Shush him gently,
Remind him that no matter what his anxiety twists up,
He will eventually be okay.
Remind him that his loved ones are always with him.

Go and listen to him play or sing whenever you can,
Support him at as many competitions and concerts and shows as possible.
Never let his love for music fade away.

Bond with him over it,
Discuss a plan for switching off radio privileges.
Sing with him in the car,
Because even if you think you sound like trash,
Chances are he'll give you constructive criticism while reminding you that even with a mishap,
You will always sound beautiful to him. In tune or not.

Take him on adventures,
But also spend a good amount of time at home-
He's a taurus, after all.

If you go to his moms facebook page,
And even a few of the youth leaders, if you ever meet them at Westside,
You can find adorable pictures of him growing up.

Truth be told, he'll probably someday mention how he used to have braces.
It's not that important of a piece of information,
But it's something to look forward to in those younger pictures.
They made him seem extra nerdy,
In a really cute way.

Again, I remind you, love him.
Love him with absolutely everything and then some.
Love him even if he ever yells at you about not opening up if you have troubles with it,
Love him if he rushes over to you if he has the chance if you're feeling too unsteady on your own.

Let him hold you while you cry,
Teach him what calms you down while you're in the right headspace and he will always remember.
He used to tap my hand in 4/4 time so I could sync my breathing,
Just as an example.

Let him remind you that he's probably a bit more stubborn than you think,
Because even if he's going through hell,
If he truly loves you he will do anything he can to avoid hurting you,
Until the avoidance hurts you more than anything.

But I warn you,
Don't believe all of his promises.
If he says he wants to be there forever-
Unless he's graduated college and is finally settled down in his job field,
Don't fully believe it.

He means no harm by it, but when it comes to love like this he is so young and unexperienced.
If you can, guide him along.

If you, by some strange existance of happening,
Come across this,
And you think I'm just someone crazy…

I was, in his own words, his first real relationship.
And for me, he was the first boy I ever trusted fully,
Outside of my best friend, Kyle.
He was the first boy I truly ever fell deep in love with.

I have learned all of this from seven months,
Seven months of us clicking like puzzle pieces until it all fell apart,
Until I finally couldn't take the questions of whether or not he fully,
Truly, truly wanted to be with me.

To be fair- even with my lack of knowledge on why,
Knowing of his mental illness and the stress from everything he was trying to accomplish at the end of our relationship,
I can't fully blame him for shutting me out anymore.
For, chances are, just being too overwhelmed with trying to balance too much personal life,
With too much work life.

And after the breakup, and until I moved away from him,
I will admit I was.. Rude.
Distasteful.
Very, very angry.

I was angry at him.
I was angry at the world.
I was angry at the situations-
But most of all,
I was angry at me.

I will not hide that,
While I could go and apologize,
Tell him I'll possibly see him on campus if I ever get accepted into his- and my dream- college.

And truth be told I just want to look him in the eyes,
And say, for the first and last time with this meaning,
"Always."

Always…
Always will love you.
Always will support you.
Always will keep our memories together cherished.
Always will remember.

I will always remember,
My dear girl,
The happiness he gave me.

And I will always hope
That he can pass that happiness onto you.

He is a goofball.
He is loving.
He is so, so kind,
And usually very patient.

His best subject is math.
His two favourite go-to, warm weather outfits are either a polo and khaki shorts,
Or a tshirt and gym shorts.

He will wear long sleeved shirts with shorts.
I've seen it so many times.
He only wears jeans when it's warm if he absolutely has to.
His humor is either crude, cracking dad jokes,
Or mocking your whining.

His friend Josh may very well get close to you, too.
Josh is a good man. Do not take his company for granted.
He can offer valuable insight to his best friends brain.
They work very, very similarly.

His hogwarts house is slytherin,
He's allergic to cats,
and after going down to as much as I could see on his moms facebook page a few months into us dating,
I can even tell you his entire natal chart for zodiacs.

Even if he doesn't believe in that hippy dippy ****,
He will amuse you enough to listen to you talk about it if you are.

Send him cute little pictures. Whenever you feel cute, send him one.
He will lavish you with attention.
He will call you gorgeous and beautiful and every other sweet name under the book.

He will love you like no man has ever loved you because he is still so new to this.

My dear,
Love him enough for the both of us.
I beg of you.

I lost him completely already,
I've honestly not even a chance to eber reconcile the friendship with him.
And I have come to terms with that,
I have come to terms with the deep seated love that will remain in my heart for eternity.
So please,
Love him. For me, for you, for him.

Let me begin by saying that
this is not me asking you out.

This is me telling you,
and countless others on the internet,
that I think you're a really great person.

You are an incredibly kind person,
and honestly, I'm surprised that my *******-ish
ways haven't scared you off by now.

Now see, the thing is that
when I first saw you
I asked my friend who you were and
she called you "Reddit Man"
to which I scoffed,
because it sounded like you were a off brand superhero.

On the next day I saw you again,
I did that stupid thing
where I slid up to where you were sitting
and the words
"So I hear you like Dungeons and Dragons."
fell clumsily out of my mouth and I
I turned red because that is not what I wanted to say.

It has been approximately forty-three days
since those stupid words clumsily fell out of my mouth
and we haven't talked about DnD since.
We have, however, talked about Reddit,
Jake Hill,
suicide,
alcoholism,
stalkerish 14-year-old girls,
crazy exes,
waluigi not being in smash,
and dogs vs cats,
among other things.


Its been about two months
and somehow,
even when I stole courage
from the burning sensation in my throat when I sip on liquid fire,
I still have not said a word to you about how I feel.

I wonder if maybe it was obvious,
in the way I talked to you,
about you.
or in the way I blushed when I so much as brushed up against you in line during lunch, or in the way I laughed at all your jokes, as if everything you say is humorous.

Let me reiterate the fact that
I am not writing this to ask you out.

But to instead let you in on how I feel about things other than my own death and the possibility of me flying to a foreign country and not coming back for a few years.

And, yeah, this is a bit childish,
writing an awkward sort of love letter,
in hopes of you never seeing it,
or if you do see it, I'll mostly likely be moved on to other things.

But in all honesty I probably won't even mention this to you, until I'm in college and I message you out of curiosity to how that open heart surgery went.

and now, that its been over a year,
I'm finally in college, and
I'd still like to ask
how that operation went,
and if when they opened up your chest
if your heart was as broken as you told me it was.

Let me begin by saying that
this is not me asking you out.

This is me telling you,
and countless others on the internet,
that I think you're a really great person.

You are an incredibly kind person,
and honestly, I'm surprised my *******-ish
ways haven't scared you off by now.

Now see, the thing is that
when I first saw you
I asked my friend who you were and
she called you "Reddit Man"
to which I scoffed.

The second time I saw you,
I did that stupid thing
where I slid up to where you were sitting
and the words
"So I hear you like Dungeons and Dragons."
fell clumsily out of my mouth and I
I turned red because that is not what I wanted to say.

It has been approximately forty-three days
since those stupid words clumsily fell out of my mouth
and we haven't talked about DnD since.
We have, however, talked about Reddit,
Jake Hill,
suicide,
alcoholism,
stalkerish 14-year-old girls,
and dogs vs cats.

Its been

and if you wanna sit here and argue about who's right
i can leave you to yourself to lash out and start a fight
have some nice dnd for once and a quiet night
sometimes it feels like all you want is to see me cry

dice and rice
sounds like a perfect DnD night

Yo to keep it 100 -
If I could go back in time I wouldn't.
Let the records hold they place.
I'm done tryin to convince you both the things I been threw.
Before my jersey was in  the rafters,
I was like Vince before he left the Raptors,
Bounding over boundaries like I had shox in my shoes.
You see I tried to impress the judges - I was shocked by the boo's,
My heart turned colder than Toronto cause all my exes were actors,
See I had to ditch diplomacy ; depend against my attackers,
I felt like a loan warrior and then suddenly - I grew,
My limbs stretched further than my imagination,
My torso was more so like a river basin,
but as my body grew in size , the guilt I carried did too,
Before I knew it - my shadow covered the ground like a sheet,
Amazed by the mass I had amassed - I was in disbelief I now stood more than 81 ft,
Now everything I never knew was within my reach,
But peep
The burdens that I bear be on some revenant.
I fed my guilt, it fed off me - I was JUST like Rick Moranis.
I'm Ja Morant or maybe more like Miles Morales..
I'm more and more embarrassed ..by the Aurora Borealus..... left by my shame.
I was forced to swallows my pride - **** be ****** up my larynx,
But I'm boarding up my barracks,
And I'm suggesting you to do the same,
I'm running gags like lil homie from home alone,
I been on DND ever since karma called my home,
Mfs want my jazz but not my blues - I'm more like Karl Malone,
I tried to blame the refs for my fugue state,
when it was me that here .. in the first place.
The victim was the culprit.

Over me it loomed -
dropped an anvil of anguish like they do in ****** tunes,
I'm hangin on by a thread not even lilo could stitch me,
Had to walk it like I talk it - fate tied the shoes on my tongue,
My skin singed by the sharp pain of the 1000 looks,
My skull crushed under the weight of 1000 books,
I had to eat my words, I couldn't stomach it,
My indigestion was incomprehensible,
My miscomprehension of of my tendons was indefensible,
The guilt of feelin like a ship with no direction.
That gut feelin to cut feelins cause **** get deep like a Cesarean Section..