You were always
a bit of backward
but your small, fuzzy grins
came cheap and easy.

We never guessed
they'd change the rules
so fast.

Salvation might have come
in coupon form,
and dolled-up pretty—
some say better than new—
we could have shared
old games, odd romance,
a few more laughs.

But I let that last chance slip,
and now a brick,
you're going gently onto
the back-alley *******
heaped in the middle of the night.

((Reading the notes might help you to understand this poem slightly more... though I can't guarantee it.))*

You know the best place to build a base would be the middle of the ocean.

just a thought

It was last September I told her, I told her to leave.

Help I'm drowning.

that's how it felt

Get her out the road I said, you know there could be anything coming round that corner.

still, I hope you know that sometimes this world has sent me crazy and

I hope you know I have now walked in completely the wrong direction to get home.

but let me give you some advice before I leave completely, it will never make much sense to you, but it will never really need to

When the river becomes starved of water,
don't go throwing bucketfuls of water at it's parched tongue now,
What you've got to do is you've got to plant yourself a flower or two in there, or otherwise build yourself a castle in the dirt,
Something like that.



Well, sh-t.

I have to leave now.

even now I can tell you know I never will
and really

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I always knew I was asking too much of you, when I asked if you might still be my friend.

No, don't go that way.

but you can't stop me
and
anyway, anyway, maybe if I let it go now

It will all be fine.
They will probably just turn up in a box of instruments somewhere.

good feelings often do, but then, I suppose, so do bad ones




What's the name of this tree?
I am having a shower in this tree look, a shower made of leaves, like, the water droplets are these leaves.
I always think these trees look like shower trees, the way the leaves hang down.

hey, hey, remember in those woods, before I showered

All I wanted was to find some grass, and you took me to the one place completely full of nettles.

I'll never forget it



I know,
I know I keep telling them and I know I keep telling you, and him and her and me and everyone, but

He hates my guts now, he really does, and all I ever did was keep trying to do the kindest thing, I keep trying to be kind.



but if I just forget all that
the truth is, when we go walking

We're not even drunk, not in the slightest.

and I'd like to tell you what I am

But I can't make decisions, Annie make a decision for me.

but how then

How are you so calm?
I just don't think about the future.

that's the only explanation I can give



thinking about it, I guess

I'm usually inside this like, wall of, kind of, mirrors.
But they're all different shapes so they don't line up perfectly, like, there are gaps.

and when I'm in a pavement mood

I'd rather have her shouting at me than tell her that the thing was, that I was sad then, and that was the reason why.

I think I'm like one of those buzzy globe things,
What are they called the brain things,
A plasma ball that's it.
But not as spherical, 'coz then it's all the same and nothing ever gets out.

there has to be some kind of gap, some kind of break somewhere



so I've had an idea

So can we all buy a boat?

or perhaps I could just be one

Look, by standing in this puddle I'm basically in the river, see?



I know I get distracted a lot,
sometimes I hear them tell me to try,
the thing with trying is that

The closest I would ever get to perfect was always in an accident,
So I think that true perfect must be broken up into at least a million, billion different accidents,
And maybe someday someone will piece them all together,
But then I think that their life might just be so full of accidents that it wouldn't even be theirs anymore,
And they would probably become so mad that nobody would ever believe them.



So anyway,  when are you going to tell me some more of your dreams?

I'm sorry, I never meant to go deeper than just to paddle in yet.

He said he's bricking it.

but I've been remembering my dreams in the morning when I wake up recently, and I've been finding the words and I think I can keep moving

There's a woods behind my house now, but I don't want to adventure there on my own really.

I think I'd like to know where all those little paths lead to someday though
so

Shall we open that gate?

or maybe we could just climb it
I don't know



I guess really I'm a wanderer, but also a wonderer,
perhaps one more than the other,
I can never be sure.

Certainty is someone who I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting.

I only ever hear bad things about him.

but hey, don't let yourself be too quick to judge I said

We've only heard of about ten crimes in the area in the past year, most of them thefts.




sometimes

I swear she doesn't even know who I am.
No, but honestly,  I think it was just that microphone that got in the way.

Why don't you all just leave? It's not like any of you even care.

but we both know that's a lie
and anyway

It always calms me when there's sunlight on my face.

then all I need is a nice deep breath and it's gone
and I know that

Yes, there is still a bottle of ***** on my chest of draws.

but really, it's okay because it's empty you see



now here's something that will make you smile

That cloud looks like an elephant with its legs on backwards.

I hope you see

And ever since you saw it, you wanted your hand to be touched in that way.

well, maybe that's just me
perhaps I shouldn't have said that
what have I become
I could not tell you the first day I began to live the life I'm living now but one thing I have realised is that

I have probably found more meaning in a field of grass to be honest, than I ever have in most other things in the world.

sorry, sorry
we're still paddling though I think, so it should be okay



Sometimes the world is just too much and I forget what to do.

have you felt how it affects us

I tied a scarf around my eyes this morning, because the light was too bright through my curtain.

and

You're losing your voice from talking so much.

but the whole world won't make me forget how much

I love the way it feels when I breathe the air in the morning or the evening,
when it's like the day's changing from one thing to another.

and the whole world won't ever make me forget this thought I keep on hearing in my head,
that*

We need to just find somewhere,
somewhere to have a moment.

Brighton is the closest
to Brexit than anywhere
in Britain so why not
Bring a Breton sample
and stop Brainwashing
to Brake the Brackets
that Braggarts Brag in
Brainless Bravado of
Bribery that is Brewing
by Bricking the tunnel
thus Bridling Brittle Brows,
with Brutal Brush-offs
Bruising Brotherly love.

ps.

EXIT via the backstop.

All your stories
Built in days done
Bits and pieces
Of dreams and horrors
Containing fragments
Of tears and joy

To begin and live once more
A harbor of practiced sanctuary
Given dreams that fear
Never come, never mind
The things whichever breathe

Twist in place, be taken in loving arms
Safely knowing here
No clawing past can find you
You are hidden in a future
Never before imagined

This was not where you sought
A place which compromised
Would bring you back
To the past, found again
Although here I'll be

By your side,
To live and protect
Serving as the walls
Bricking back the past
And forever loving you

no justice in this love
Doesn't want me close
Wants me too close
Guilty for staying here
Guilty for staying there
Pulled apart and put together
Stretched too thin and crammed in a box
Pound on the sides, can't find my way out
Of this paper jail, of this thick air...
Wall around you I can't get through
Bricking me in, you're too close
Lying beside you, you're too far
Might as well flinch at my touch
My fault, loved you too much
Didn't love you enough.

Night and day
They give each other balance
To much of either is bad
Staying to long in this dark makes you lose hope.
Staying to long in this light makes you forget how you got there in the first place.
You lead me here into this dark
This dark that I will not leave
The blinds on the window open sometimes
But I'm still in this dark dark room.
With myself and a door that you're behind
But then all of a sudden you bring lamps into my room and turn the switches on and it's bright. This is the light I soak up. But as I'm soaking up this false ray of hope from your light you're bricking up my last window.

6am
an exquisite time for a funeral
loud tolls of the sun
fresh morning breeze
here to dry moist faces

6:01am
a great time to realize
you are a part of the scene
standing on the sloppy green
looking around all bewildering

6:02am
the time 2 min after seven, you get it
it’s you - the one to bear the sorrows
to mourn for the loss
to carry the weight in guts

6 something
now the time does not matter
it’s you - burying your friend
the misbehaving devils angel
since ever a part of your hell

6 sins
only he could play all in one shot
magic up 6 deadly joys
the sinner and saviour
your very rare self

6 days
or even less
you contemplated and found
you shared the wisdom writing
on matters of truth and true love

6 guys
of yours in the meanwhile,
bricking him up, behind the scene
shutting the shy but calling friend out
lying you’d better live without

and now

Your guys were actually You
the blind and dead stupid You
who murdered your buddy in his best age
and 6, .... now makes no sense

All you could do is
speak to the mirror
asking for nothing
or everything

Hoping to reflect back maybe
it was just a call of mercy,
unordinary protection drill
that no one’s dead, not yet

Please please, but maybe...
you just missed the moment
to lay humbly the bouquet down
to say to rest in peace