It's a long time since i've written words in this place
returned just to scroll from time to time maybe
but the words haven't come

as i scroll today i remember a sense of community and the buzz when i saw that old yellow lightening bolt appear in the corner

i remember thinking that my words were empty but perhaps reading back they weren't completely

i feel like maybe i would like to be part of this again but i think i need to understand this community again

I can feel myself growing away
Floating up
Gravity feels all silky like blankets on me

I can wear it on my shoulders in the kitchen to make tea

I think I can feel my body disappearing from the insides to the out
So now I think I am just edges sipping at warm tea

I will close my eyes
Maybe in a minute I will feel different

Today I am so strange

I need to get better at expressing myself and writing here again
I need to stop feeling stuck because I know the words can't ever be completely right

Some of the best things in my life have come from not fighting the crazy in me

Also i should remember that simply writing thoughts down can still be like a stepping stone to something more

I am restless every day
Tell me where my roots are
Because I couldn't find them when the sky was blue
Or when it was grey

I couldn't find them when it was cold that day
I had the wind under all my clothes and I drifted away
There was light in my face so I couldn't see a thing
Even though I saw everything

I go backwards on the path beside the field
And I go the other way
And nothing changes
We both know
But im not on the path beside the field anymore

I am restless every day ******* hell
But I feel quite calm
Where are my roots you don't know
You're looking as well
You're walking beside me on the road now

That's why i'll have you here if you'd like
You're a leaf in my palm
Making me smile
I get lost when someone leads me.

Please forgive me because my own words can make me sad sometimes and I feel restless every day
I've said this
And I do say things but I can't make them more than words
I hope its ok

I could tear my body off
I feel like a ghost
There's something between me and it all
It's not my skin
But i'd tear it off just searching

I only get letters from the hospital

Hello wild, gentle, thoughtful, perfect day;
Someone to lie on grass with
Someone to be silent with
Someone to speak the world with
and the made up things in our brains

Some things that speak to me
people sleeping on trains
paths through fields that lead into trees
people sleeping on grass

balconies
rooftops from trains

all the lives that keep passing me each day
i wish i could know every one
I wish I knew everyone

Paths and village roads
lives from the window

I wish I could live

Luggage on chairs
But the people waiting on platforms are so beautiful

"Last night i dreamt that i drenched myself in heavy rain
And you wrote a poem like you were throwing words onto a page
And i spoke them out loud because i already knew what you wanted to say"

In the night id like to catch a train
run away

I think i would like to not be alone
where are you
I don't want to go home
Often I feel this
I'm not ready to go home

This sunlight can be like a lamp through trees
when it feels like the sun has followed me across a field
finding me with the trees and the horses and small animals
smelling the grass

And I can wear your friends coat
and it will keep me smiling through the cold
eat cereal dry from the box
sitting on a fallen tree
fill the ghastly centre of me
to find it's more like a strange warmth

These clouds can be like some distant lands
And i can be afraid of the mud and the sand and the twigs
because i love them
and i can be afraid of your hand
because it can lead me to the rest of you

I can be alone on the pavement
on the concrete road
and call it a mood and i know what that means
with the houses bending around me
corners on roads waiting

Only one place will be like this
where the moon falls into the sea
I'll feel my heart beating on the stones
see the words sitting in between us
and people who never found me

This music can be like the rain sometimes
and it can be like the shelter
And I will find us a fallen stairway
You will find us a hole in the ground
We can find a space to be in

Along a path
I can touch everything
and let it go
and i will feel how it feels
like leaves and words
I'll fall into spirals
like leaving my body
fall on the ground
in the sky
roll in the dirt
cry and cry and cry
or smile

I will climb the ladder of this silo
with the mud from your boots on my hands
and we can see the fields together
when your smell is still quite new to me
the air will smell like rivers this day
and the world will look like pale light
and you can bring me biscuits on the swing
while i wait for you to see your family
and it won't be normal

once I thought i could taste the world sometimes
it will happen again probably