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Terry O'Leary Sep 2013
NOTE TO THE READER – Once Apun a Time

This yarn is a flossy fabric woven of several earlier warped works, lightly laced together, adorned with fur-ther braided tails of human frailty. The looms were loosed, purling frantically this febrile fable...

Some pearls may be found wanting – unwanted or unwonted – piled or hanging loose, dangling free within a fuzzy flight of fancy...

The threads of this untethered tissue may be fastened, or be forgotten, or else be stranded by the readers and left unravelling in the knotted corners of their minds...

'twill be perchance that some may  laugh or loll in loopy stitches, else be torn or ripped apart, while others might just simply say “ ’tis made of hole cloth”, “sew what” or “cant seam to get the needle point”...,

yes, a proper disentanglement may take you for a spin on twisted twines of any strings you feel might need attaching or detaching…

picking knits, some may think that
       such strange things ‘have Never happened in our Land’,
       such quaint things ‘could Never happen in our Land’’,
       such murky things ‘will Never happen in our Land’’…

and this may all be true, if credence be dis-carded…

such is that gooey gossamer which vails the human mind...

and thus was born the teasing title of this fabricated Fantasy...

                                NEVER LAND

An ancient man named Peter Pan, disguised but from the past,
with feathered cap and tunic wrap and sabre’s sailed his last.
Though fully grown, on dust he’s flown and perched upon a mast
atop the Walls around the sprawls, unvisited and vast -
and all the while with bitter smile he’s watching us aghast.

As day begins, a spindle spins, it weaves a wanton web;
like puckered prunes, like midday moons, like yesterday’s celebs,
we scrape and *****, we seldom hope - he watches while we ebb:

The ***** grinder preaches fine on Sunday afternoons -
he quotes from books but overlooks the Secrets Carved in Runes:
“You’ve tried and toyed, but can’t avoid or shun the pale monsoons,
it’s sink or swim as echoed dim in swinging door saloons”.
The laughingstocks are flinging rocks at ball-and-chained baboons.

While ghetto boys are looting toys preparing for their doom
and Mademoiselles are weaving shells on tapestries with looms,
Cathedral cats and rafter rats are peering in the room,
where ragged strangers stoop for change, for coppers in the gloom,
whose thoughts are more upon the doors of crypts in Christmas bloom,
and gold doubloons and silver spoons that tempt beyond the tomb.

Mid *** shots from vacant lots, that strike and ricochet
a painted girl with flaxen curl (named Wendy)’s on her way
to tantalise with half-clad thighs, to trick again today;
and indiscreet upon the street she gives her pride away
to any guy who’s passing by with time and cash to pay.
(In concert halls beyond the Walls, unjaded girls ballet,
with flowered thoughts of Camelot and dreams of cabarets.)

Though rip-off shops and crooked cops are paid not once but thrice,
the painted girl with flaxen curl is paring down her price
and loosely tempts cold hands unkempt to touch the merchandise.
A crazy guy cries “where am I”, a ****** titters twice,
and double quick a lunatic affects a fight with lice.

The alleyways within the maze are paved with rats and mice.
Evangelists with moneyed fists collect the sacrifice
from losers scorned and rubes reborn, and promise paradise,
while in the back they cook some crack, inhale, and roll the dice.

A *** called Boe has stubbed his toe, he’s stumbled in the gutter;
with broken neck, he looks a wreck, the sparrows all aflutter,
the passers-by, they close an eye, and turn their heads and mutter:
“Let’s pray for rains to wash the lanes, to clear away the clutter.”
A river slows neath mountain snows, and leaves begin to shudder.

The jungle teems, a siren screams, the air is filled with ****.
The Reverent Priest and nuns unleash the Holy Shibboleth.
And Righteous Jane who is insane, as well as Sister Beth,
while telling tales to no avail of everlasting death,
at least imbrue Hagg Avenue with whisky on their breath.

The Reverent Priest combats the Beast, they’re kneeling down to prey,
to fight the truth with fang and tooth, to toil for yesterday,
to etch their mark within the dark, to paint their résumé
on shrouds and sheets which then completes the devil’s dossier.

Old Dan, he’s drunk and in a funk, all mired in the mud.
A Monk begins to wash Dan’s sins, and asks “How are you, Bud?”
“I’m feeling pain and crying rain and flailing in the flood
and no god’s there inclined to care I’m always coughing blood.”
The Monk, he turns, Dan’s words he spurns and lets the bible thud.

Well, Banjo Boy, he will annoy with jangled rhymes that fray:
“The clanging bells of carousels lead blind men’s minds astray
to rings of gold they’ll never hold in fingers made of clay.
But crest and crown will crumble down, when withered roots decay.”

A pregnant lass with eyes of glass has never learned to cope.
Once set adrift her fall was swift, she slid a slipp’ry ***** -
she casts the Curse, the Holy Verse, and shoots a shot of dope,
then stalks discreet Asylum Street her daily horoscope -
the stray was struck by random truck which was her only hope.

So Banjo Boy, with little joy, he strums her life entire:
“The wayward waif was never safe; her stars were dark and dire.
Born midst the rues and avenues where lack and want aspire
where no one heeds the childish needs that little ones require;
where faith survives in tempest lives, a swirl within the briar,
Infinity grinds as time unwinds, until the winds expire.
Her last caprice? The final peace that no one could deny her -
whipped by the flood, stray beads of blood cling, splattered on the spire;
though beads of sweat are cool and wet, cold clotted blood is dryer.”

Though broken there, she’s fled the snare with dying thoughts serene.
And now she’s dead, the rumours spread: her age? a sweet 16,
with child, *****, her soul dyed red, her body so unclean.
A place is sought where she can rot, avoiding churchyard scenes,
in limey pits, as well befits, behind forbidding screens;
and all the while a dirge is styled on tattered tambourines
which echo through the human zoo in valleys of the Queens.

Without rejoice, in hissing voice, near soil that’s seldom trod
“In pious role, God bless my soul”, was mouthed with mitred nod,
neath scarlet trim with black, and grim, behind a robed facade -
“She’ll burn in hell and sulphur smell”, spat Priest and man of god.

Well, angels sweet with cloven feet, they sing in girl’s attire,
but Banjo Boy, he’s playing coy while chanting in the choir:
“The clueless search within the church to find what they desire,
but near the nave or gravelled grave, there is no Rectifier.”
And when he’s through, without ado, he stacks some stones nearby her.

The eyes behind the head inclined reflect a universe
of shanty towns and kings in crowns and parties in a hearse,
of heaping mounds of coffee grounds and pennies in a purse,
of heart attacks in shoddy shacks, of motion in reverse,
of reasons why pale kids must die, quite trite and curtly terse,
of puppet people at the steeple, kneeling down averse,
of ****** tones and megaphones with empty words and worse,
of life’s begin’ in utter sin and other things perverse,
of lewd taboos and residues contained within the Curse,
while poets blind, in gallows’ rind, carve epitaphs in verse.

A sodden dreg with wooden leg is dancing for a dime
to sacred psalms and other balms, all ticking with the time.
He’s 22, he’s almost through, he’s melted in his prime,
his bane is firm, the canker worm dissolves his brain to slime.
With slanted scales and twisted jails, his life’s his only crime.

A beggar clump beside a dump has pencil box in hand.
With sightless eyes upon the skies he’s lying there unmanned,
with no relief and bitter grief too dark to understand.
The backyard blight is hid from sight, it’s covered up and bland,
and Robin Hood and Brother Hood lie buried in the sand.

While all night queens carve figurines in gelatine and jade,
behind a door and on the floor a deal is finally made;
the painted girl with flaxen curl has plied again her trade
and now the care within her stare has turned a darker shade.
Her lack of guile and parting smile are cutting like a blade.

Some boys with cheek play hide and seek within a house condemned,
their faces gaunt reflecting want that’s hard to comprehend.
With no excuse an old recluse is waiting to descend.
His eyes despair behind the stare, he’s never had a friend
to talk about his hidden doubt of how the world will end -
to die alone on empty throne and other Fates impend.

And soon the boys chase phantom joys and, presto when they’re gone,
the old recluse, with nimble noose and ****** features drawn,
no longer waits upon the Fates but yawns his final yawn
- like Tinker Bell, he spins a spell, in fairy dust chiffon -
with twisted brow, he’s tranquil now, he’s floating like a swan
and as he fades from life’s charades, the night awaits the dawn.

A boomerang with ebon fang is soaring through the air
to pierce and breach the heart of each and then is called despair.
And as it grows it will oppose and fester everywhere.
And yet the crop that’s at the top will still be unaware.

A lad is stopped by roving cops, who shoot in disregard.
His face is black, he’s on his back, a breeze is breathing hard,
he bleeds and dies, his mama cries, the screaming sky is scarred,
the sheriff and his squad at hand are laughing in the yard.

Now Railroad Bob’s done lost his job, he’s got no place for working,
His wife, she cries with desperate eyes, their baby’s head’s a’ jerking.
The union man don’t give a ****, Big Brother lies a’ lurking,
the boss’ in cabs are picking scabs, they count their money, smirking.

Bob walks the streets and begs for eats or little jobs for trying
“the answer’s no, you ought to know, no use for you applying,
and don’t be sad, it aint that bad, it’s soon your time for dying.”
The air is thick, his baby’s sick, the cries are multiplying.

Bob’s wife’s in town, she’s broken down, she’s ranting with a fury,
their baby coughs, the doctor scoffs, the snow flies all a’ flurry.
Hard work’s the sin that’s done them in, they skirmish, scrimp and scurry,
and midnight dreams abound with screams. Bob knows he needs to hurry.
It’s getting late, Bob’s tempting fate, his choices cruel and blurry;
he chooses gas, they breathe their last, there’s no more cause to worry.

Per protocols near ivied walls arrayed in sage festoons,
the Countess quips, while giving tips, to crimson caped buffoons:
“To rise from mass to upper class, like twirly bird tycoons,
you stretch the treat you always eat, with tiny tablespoons”

A learned leach begins to teach (with songs upon a liar):
“Within the thrall of Satan’s call to yield to dim desire
lie wicked lies that tantalize the flesh and blood Vampire;
abiding souls with self-control in everyday Hellfire
will rest assured, when once interred, in afterlife’s Empire”.
These words reweave the make believe, while slugs in salt expire,
baptised in tears and rampant fears, all mirrored in the mire.

It’s getting hot on private yachts, though far from desert plains -
“Well, come to think, we’ll have a drink”, Sir Captain Hook ordains.
Beyond the blame and pit of shame, outside the Walled domains,
they pet their pups and raise their cups, take sips of pale champagnes
to touch the tips of languid lips with pearls of purple rains.

Well, Gypsy Guy would rather die than hunker down in chains,
be ridden south with bit in mouth, or heed the hold of reins.
The ruling lot are in a spot, the boss man he complains:
“The gypsies’ soul, I can’t control, my patience wears and wanes;
they will not cede to common greed, which conquers far domains
and furtive spies and news that lies have barely baked their brains.
But in the court of last resort the final fix remains:
in boxcar bins with violins we’ll freight them out in trains
and in the bogs, they’ll die like dogs, and everybody gains
(should one ask why, a quick reply: ‘It’s that which God ordains!’)”

Arrayed in shawls with crystal *****, and gazing at the moons,
wiled women tease with melodies and spooky loony tunes
while making toasts to holey ghosts on rainy day lagoons:
“Well, here’s to you and others too, embedded in the dunes,
avoid the stares, avoid the snares, avoid the veiled typhoons
and fend your way as every day, ’gainst heavy heeled dragoons.”

The birds of pray are on their way, in every beak the Word
(of ptomaine tomes by gnarly gnomes) whose meaning is obscured;
they roost aloof on every roof, obscene but always herd,
to tell the tale of Jonah’s whale and other rhymes absurd
with shifty eyes, they’re giving whys for living life deferred.

While jackals lean, hyenas mean, and hungry crocodiles
feast in the lounge and never scrounge, lambs languish in the aisle.
The naive dare to say “Unfair, let’s try to reconcile.
We’ll all relax and weigh the facts, let justice spin the dial.”

With jaundiced monks and minds pre-shrunk, the jury is compiled.
The Rulers meet, First Ladies greet, the Kings appear in style.
Before the Court, their sins are short, they’re swept into a pile;
with diatribes and petty bribes, the jurors are beguiled.

The Herd entreats, the Shepherd bleats the verdict of the trial:
“You have no face. Stay in your place, stay in the Rank and File.
And wait instead, for when you’re dead, for riches after while”;
Aristocrats add caveats while sailing down the Nile:
“If Minds are mugged or simply drugged with philtres in a vial,
then few indeed will fail to feed the Pharaoh’s Crocodile.”
The wordsmiths spin, the bankers grin and politicians smile,
the riff and raff, they never laugh, they mark a martyred mile.

The rituals are finished, all, here comes the Reverent Priest.
He leads the crowds beneath the clouds, and there the flock is fleeced
(“the last are first, the rich are cursed” - the leached remain the least)
with crossing signs and ****** wines and consecrated yeast.
His step is gay without dismay before his evening feast;
he thanks the Lord for room and, bored, he nods to Eden East
but doesn’t sigh or wonder why the sins have not decreased.

The sinking sun’s at last undone, the sky glows faintly red.
A spider black hides in a crack and spins a silken thread
and babes will soon collapse and swoon, on curbs they call a bed;
with vacant eyes they'll fantasize and dream of gingerbread,
and so be freed, though still in need, from anguish of the dead.

Fat midnight bats feast, gnawing gnats, and flit away serene
while on the trails in distant dales the lonesome wolverine
sate appetites on foggy nights and days like crystalline.
A migrant feeds on gnats and weeds with fingers far from clean
and thereby’s blessed with barren breast (the easier to wean) -
her baby ***** an arid flux and fades away unseen.

The circus gongs excite the throngs in nighttime Never Land –
they swarm to see the destiny of Freaks at their command,
while Acrobats step pitapat across the shifting sands
and Lady Fat adores her cat and oozes charm unplanned.
The Dwarfs in suits, so small and cute when marching with the band,
ask crimson Clowns with painted frowns, to lend a mutant hand,
while Tamers’ whips with withered tips, throughout the winter land,
lure minds entranced through hoops enhanced with flames of fires fanned.
White Elephants in big-top tents sell black tusk contraband
to Sycophants in regiments who overflow the stands,
but No One sees anomalies, and No One understands.
At night’s demise, the dither dies, the lonely Crowd disbands,
down dead-end streets the Horde retreats, their threadbare rags in strands,
and Janes and Joes reweave their woes, for thoughts of change are banned.

The Monk of Mock has fled the flock caught knocking up a tween.
(She brought to light the special rite he sought to leave unseen.)
With profaned eyes they agonise, their souls no more serene
and at the shrine the flutes of wine are filled with kerosene
by men unkempt who once had dreamt but now can dream no more
except when bellowed bellies belch an ever growing roar,
which churns the seas and whips a breeze that mercy can’t ignore,
and in the night, though filled with fright, they try to end the War.

The slow and quick are hurling bricks and fight with clubs of rage
to break the chains and cleanse the stains of life within a cage,
but yield to stings of armoured things that crush in every age.

At crack of dawn, a broken pawn, in pools of blood and fire,
attends the wounds, in blood festooned (the waves flow nigh and nigher),
while ghetto towns are burning down (the flames grow high and higher);
and in their wake, a golden snake is rising from the pyre.
Her knees are bare, consumed in prayer, applauded by the Friar,
and soon it’s clear the end is near - while magpie birds conspire,
the lowly worm is made to squirm while dangling from a wire.

The line was crossed, the battle lost, the losers can’t deny,
the residues are far and few, though smoke pervades the sky.
The cool wind’s cruel, a cutting tool, the vanquished ask it “Why?”,
and bittersweet, from  Easy Street, the Pashas’ puffed reply:
“The rules are set, so don’t forget, the rabble will comply;
the grapes of wrath may make you laugh, the day you are to die.”

The down and out, they knock about beneath the barren skies
where homeward bound, without a sound, a ravaged raven flies.
Beyond the Walls, the morning calls the newborn sun to rise,
and Peter Pan, a broken man, inclines his head and cries...
Devon Webb Dec 2014
We are critical.

We find flaws in
everything we see
because nobody
wants to write
about perfection,
even though sometimes
we wish we could just stay
staring into that
unblemished surface.

2. We are never satisfied.

We live our lives upon
mountains of
scrunched up
bits of refill and
ideas we gave up
trying to
express.

3. We never forget.

We write words about
eye contact made
three months ago
that we replay over
and over in our minds
even though it
stopped
being relevant.

4. We are fickle.**

Our emotions flash
from one
to the other
like strobe lighting that
disorientates us
until we feel as if
the world
will never be still.

5. We are exposed.

We don't know how
to keep our feelings
to ourselves so
we'll write them
down for
you to find
'accidentally'.

6. We are vulnerable.

We wear our
hearts on our sleeves
and won't lift a
muscle to fight back
if somebody tries
to break it
because we thrive
from the pain.

7. We will never stop.

We will never stop
feeling and
we will never stop
hurting,
we will never stop
breaking and
bleeding and
loving
even though the cycle
is endless
and we know what's
coming next.


We are addicted
to agony,
but we agonise
for the art.
It's worth it though.
I

How should I seek to make a song for thee
When all my music is to moan thy name?
That long sad monotone - the same - the same -
Matching the mute insatiable sea
That throbs with life's bewitching agony,
Too long to measure and too fierce to tame!
An hurtful joy, a fascinating shame
Is this great ache that grips the heart of me.

Even as a cancer, so this passion gnaws
Away my soul, and will not ease its jaws
Till I am dead. Then let me die! Who knows
But that this corpse committed to the earth
May be the occasion of some happier birth?
Spring's earliest snowdrop? Summer's latest rose?

II

Thou knowest what asp hath fixed its lethal tooth
In the white breast that trembled like a flower
At thy name whispered. thou hast marked how hour
By hour its poison hath dissolved my youth,
Half skilled to agonise, half skilled to soothe
This passion ineluctable, this power
Slave to its single end, to storm the tower
That holdeth thee, who art Authentic Truth.

O golden hawk! O lidless eye! Behold
How the grey creeps upon the shuddering gold!
Still I will strive! That thou mayst sweep
Swift on the dead from thine all-seeing steep -
And the unutterable word by spoken.
Lost for words Oct 2010
If the grass is always greener,
Stand on both sides of the fence
It's possible to play the field
while sitting on the bench
Jam all your grubby fingers
In each and every pie
Take the best of both worlds
And never study why
Don't agonise over choices
You can join and beat them
Stuff your greedy little face
Have your cakes and eat them
Don't win some, lose some
The winner takes it all
Use the rainy day one now
There's another in the hall
Pop an egg in every basket
Get more cooks on that broth
The more the ******* merrier
And I want the ******* lot.
Martin Rombach Aug 2012
I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. A clattering engine of destructive vices, a body average under Adonis, a mind weathered by experience and paradoxical in influence.

It has taken a lot of work and luck to become who I am today, with that ****** in the mirror tripping me up plenty along the way.

But in this moment, amongst our grand but insignificant civilisation, amongst our beautiful but minute planet, in this relative scope I sit here with you in...
Somehow... things have finally worked. Fitted. Reached... some level of... peace.

As I indulge in your eyes there’s a lot to contemplate, speculate, agonise over.

There will be times between us where consequence will draw conflict, where our dividing, clashing aspects will build the intensity of how different we are, questioning whether we should know each other at all.
Moments where the reminders of the subtle magnetism amongst our personalities seem almost transparent.

Familiarity breeds contempt so they say.

What I hope, for us, for whatever this is, whatever it will become, I hope potential and positivity can develop.
Spontaneity.
Exploration.
Curiosity.

You once were... the goal personified. Amongst the trivial, the financial, the creative, a connection with you became... valuable. And now... my love, now the connection has filtered into my memories as something warm and reassuring, you have stepped from the centre of attention to a turn of my head from the perceivable forward.

In the drive of the day, you serve as a fantastical presence in my mind, a word repeating in the sentences rambling through the monologue, associated with an image that stirs a collection of emotion.
The words and images, the memories and ghostly echo of a voice straighten my back out, and knock my chin up a touch.  

We don’t depend on each other, we aren’t each other’s everything, instead we are friends in love developing ourselves in a way I can never fully express thanks for.

Life is a challenge, and at the same a beauteous opportunity and I’m glad you’re sharing it with me. The reassurance of you... helps me take it all on with pride.

So thanks.
Steve Page Dec 2021
There's immortal.
And then there's
Eternal.

I've read of immortals -
I've read of their exploits, their battles.
They bleed.
They agonise.
They fall.
And one day
they fail to rise.

Eternal is different.

Eternal bleeds,
agonises,
falls
and dies
only to rise - Eternal.
Robert Clapham Oct 2010
Awake! With morning darkness burst
Cracking rich eye crusting sleep
Ignore the strident bell of life
Outward cold warm snuggle deep
Ward against the nagging throng..
Heavy somnus dragging down

Yet buried in the fogged dark mind
Stirs nagging tendril hazy thought
Waste not the day the moment bright
Life much holds more than lazy sleep

So lift mind's eye to misty height
Great life romance spread out before
Adventure waits rich quandary cries
Mountain steep ascend short breath
Summit reach proclaim rapport
Plunging deep crash water roar
Piton ***** stretch rope zing out
Axe bury thud strain upward reach
Snow underfoot sharp crunch give soft
Peace vista birdsong rise aloft
What journey waits?
What dreams?
What Fates?
Agonise decision ........ wait!
Heavy lids snap open gate
Hah! Exclaim loudly joyous shout
Burst upwards throw aside life's wrap
Brush away veil laden doubt
Cast aside all thought save one ....

Awake the dawn of comrades share
Banish prison walls of toil
Embrace the spice rich life before
Lost freedom of existence glory
Live the life few dare to hold
Climb cragged rock - Trek lands far flung
Forge white streaked waters sheen
Cross the desert dry and bright
Brave wilderness dark verdant green
Stand wind whipped face brave peak stand out
We know what it’s all about

So-Facilitate deep need within
Live the life all seek few dare
Complete existence venture far
We pass this way but once - bemuse  
Grasp this opportunity or lose
©2010 Robert Clapham
I used to be a mover.
I ran, and danced, and climbed trees.
If I saw somethng I wanted, I reached for it, worked for it, or asked an adult to get it for me.  
I would fidget and squirm at the dinner table and in Mass.
I did not question, I just did.



I used to say things.
I sang, rhymed and questioned with impunity.
I behaved as though everyone was hanging on my every word.  
People were constantly telling me to be quiet.  I made them listen.
My voice connected me to the world, it proved I was real.



I used to laugh more.
Giggled, chortled and chuckled with glee.
It was my first reaction to anything new and novel.  
It bubbled out of me, tickling my throat as it filled the room.
I measured the worth of a day by how much I had laughed.



I used to get lost in things.
In the fields, in untying knots, in books, especially in books.
I deliberately took wrong turnings just to see what was there,
and hid under my bed with a book and a torch and spoke to no one.
I felt so disheartened when I found my way again.



I used to create.
I crafted, sketched and wrote for hours at a time.
It just poured from my fingertips.  It was only completed when the smile came.  
A bright, beaming smile, bursting out of me.  I would burn with furious pride over 8 lines of mispelled rhymes about a purple monster.
I believed the only things you own, are the things you make.



Now I am uncertain.
Tentative, unsure, and above all; Silent.
Now I only move with a destination in mind.  
I am economical and perfunctory with my movements.                                                       ­             
I don't know how to use words anymore, the language has changed.  
The pen feels uncomfortable in my hand, while I agonise over the exact right words.

Being lost frightens me, and seems like a waste of time.

Creating things (non-edible things) are just extra pieces of baggage you must carry around.  Pointless and deflating, they chew their way into every part of your brain to fester and breed.
And people know when you've got poems gnawing your thoughts, and they will instantly distrust you.


But now.
Right now, as I near the end of this train of thought.
The Mover awakens within me.  I smile and crave company.
I have a sudden yearning to once again take a wrong turn.

I will not sleep tonight.
This is a work-in-progress.  I would be really appreciative of any suggestions or criticisms.  Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings!
Poetic T Dec 2014
I wish to shed the skin of yesterday
It has memories
Which I wish too forget, I tried to
Wash,
Cleanse,
Purify
So this time was purged, but I awaken
Each day having to once again,
Wash thoughts to not remember, I
Agonise,
Tormented,
Convulsions
Shudder through my mind,
"I shed my skin each day"
"But"
Shadows still persist in the cracks
Each day my lucid thoughts
Encroached,
Invaded,
Plagued
With moments when I think I a free
But then *milliseconds

It returns like a possession
My mind is withering
Will silence only set me free,
I have tried to shed my skin with each new day,
But this is never going to leave me,
Is silence the only way nothing
Perceived
Remembered
Coldness,
Is the only way to cleanse this
"Persistent memory away"
In silence there will no longer be thought
As I am free forever of that memory, buried **within..
Marshal Gebbie Apr 2010
Contrary to what is known
About Tunguska’s hellish blast,
Contrary to all the dread
Engendered in those deeds of past,
Despite the anger close at hand
When loathsome fiends encroach thy space,
Regardless of the fury felt
When malcontents spit in your face.

Go gather up your fortitude
Hold all that’s dear, close to your chest,
Contain the beast you’ve locked within
Adjust till you’ve maneuvered best.

Then….
Unleash the very gates of hell
To vanquish those who would intrude,
Break the carapace of blood.
Then stay thy hand, preserve the crude
For them to agonise, reflectively,
Decisions made too cheap
And actions, injudiciously,
Commited indiscreet.



Marshalg
@theCoalface
Victoria Park Tunnel
7 April 2010
Culpoetry Nov 2013
Wasteful wallowing in a crumbling hollow dwelling
Obfuscating the obvious problems, scared from telling

A distracted dubious damnation,
I have craved temptation into
cramped every solitary sensation
and turned them to them sins, too.

So I fantasise, and rampantly
Agonise the logic in my mind
I dream of worlds without proportion
and engagements of moral absorption.
Til' I saturate my soul with images
of endless time and space.

In a stale solitary dimension
I weave tales of honorary mention
but forget their ascensions.

Broken wishes of impossible ambitions
With uncultural and isolated renditions
Of self-indulgent ordeals.

Brought upon by uncontrollable feels
and reeled beyond sense into the light
where my mind cannot be healed.
I.

À présent que c'est fait, dans l'avilissement
Arrangeons-nous chacun notre compartiment
Marchons d'un air auguste et fier ; la honte est bue.
Que tout à composer cette cour contribue,
Tout, excepté l'honneur, tout, hormis les vertus.
Faites vivre, animez, envoyez vos foetus
Et vos nains monstrueux, bocaux d'anatomie
Donne ton crocodile et donne ta momie,
Vieille Égypte ; donnez, tapis-francs, vos filous ;
Shakespeare, ton Falstaff ; noires forêts, vos loups ;
Donne, ô bon Rabelais, ton Grandgousier qui mange ;
Donne ton diable, Hoffmann ; Veuillot, donne ton ange ;
Scapin, apporte-nous Géronte dans ton sac ;
Beaumarchais, prête-nous Bridoison ; que Balzac
Donne Vautrin ; Dumas, la Carconte ; Voltaire,
Son Frélon que l'argent fait parler et fait taire ;
Mabile, les beautés de ton jardin d'hiver ;
Le Sage, cède-nous Gil Blas ; que Gulliver
Donne tout Lilliput dont l'aigre est une mouche,
Et Scarron Bruscambille, et Callot Scaramouche.
Il nous faut un dévot dans ce tripot payen ;
Molière, donne-nous Montalembert. C'est bien,
L'ombre à l'horreur s'accouple, et le mauvais au pire.
Tacite, nous avons de quoi faire l'empire ;
Juvénal, nous avons de quoi faire un sénat.

II.

Ô Ducos le gascon, ô Rouher l'auvergnat,
Et vous, juifs, Fould Shylock, Sibour Iscariote,
Toi Parieu, toi Bertrand, horreur du patriote,
Bauchart, bourreau douceâtre et proscripteur plaintif,
Baroche, dont le nom n'est plus qu'un vomitif,
Ô valets solennels, ô majestueux fourbes,
Travaillant votre échine à produire des courbes,
Bas, hautains, ravissant les Daumiers enchantés
Par vos convexités et vos concavités,
Convenez avec moi, vous tous qu'ici je nomme,
Que Dieu dans sa sagesse a fait exprès cet homme
Pour régner sur la France, ou bien sur Haïti.
Et vous autres, créés pour grossir son parti,
Philosophes gênés de cuissons à l'épaule,
Et vous, viveurs râpés, frais sortis de la geôle,
Saluez l'être unique et providentiel,
Ce gouvernant tombé d'une trappe du ciel,
Ce césar moustachu, gardé par cent guérites,
Qui sait apprécier les gens et les mérites,
Et qui, prince admirable et grand homme en effet,
Fait Poissy sénateur et Clichy sous-préfet.

III.

Après quoi l'on ajuste au fait la théorie
« A bas les mots ! à bas loi, liberté, patrie !
Plus on s'aplatira, plus ou prospérera.
Jetons au feu tribune et presse, et cætera.

Depuis quatre-vingt-neuf les nations sont ivres.
Les faiseurs de discours et les faiseurs de livres
Perdent tout ; le poëte est un fou dangereux ;
Le progrès ment, le ciel est vide, l'art est creux,
Le monde est mort. Le peuple ? un âne qui se cabre !
La force, c'est le droit. Courbons-nous. Gloire au sabre !
À bas les Washington ! vivent les Attila ! »
On a des gens d'esprit pour soutenir cela.

Oui, qu'ils viennent tous ceux qui n'ont ni cœur ni flamme,
Qui boitent de l'honneur et qui louchent de l'âme ;
Oui, leur soleil se lève et leur messie est né.
C'est décrété, c'est fait, c'est dit, c'est canonné
La France est mitraillée, escroquée et sauvée.
Le hibou Trahison pond gaîment sa couvée.

IV.

Et partout le néant prévaut ; pour déchirer
Notre histoire, nos lois, nos droits, pour dévorer
L'avenir de nos fils et les os de nos pères,
Les bêtes de la nuit sortent de leurs repaires
Sophistes et soudards resserrent leur réseau
Les Radetzky flairant le gibet du museau,
Les Giulay, poil tigré, les Buol, face verte,
Les Haynau, les Bomba, rôdent, la gueule ouverte,
Autour du genre humain qui, pâle et garrotté,
Lutte pour la justice et pour la vérité ;
Et de Paris à Pesth, du Tibre aux monts Carpathes,
Sur nos débris sanglants rampent ces mille-pattes.

V.

Du lourd dictionnaire où Beauzée et Batteux
Ont versé les trésors de leur bon sens goutteux,
Il faut, grâce aux vainqueurs, refaire chaque lettre.
Ame de l'homme, ils ont trouvé moyen de mettre
Sur tes vieilles laideurs un tas de mots nouveaux,
Leurs noms. L'hypocrisie aux yeux bas et dévots
À nom Menjaud, et vend Jésus dans sa chapelle ;
On a débaptisé la honte, elle s'appelle
Sibour ; la trahison, Maupas ; l'assassinat
Sous le nom de Magnan est membre du Sénat ;
Quant à la lâcheté, c'est Hardouin qu'on la nomme ;
Riancey, c'est le mensonge, il arrive de Rome
Et tient la vérité renfermée en son puits ;
La platitude a nom Montlaville-Chapuis ;
La prostitution, ingénue, est princesse ;
La férocité, c'est Carrelet ; la bassesse
Signe Rouher, avec Delangle pour greffier.
Ô muse, inscris ces noms. Veux-tu qualifier
La justice vénale, atroce, abjecte et fausse ?
Commence à Partarieu pour finir par Lafosse.
J'appelle Saint-Arnaud, le meurtre dit : c'est moi.
Et, pour tout compléter par le deuil et l'effroi,
Le vieux calendrier remplace sur sa carte
La Saint-Barthélemy par la Saint-Bonaparte.

Quant au peuple, il admire et vote ; on est suspect
D'en douter, et Paris écoute avec respect
Sibour et ses sermons, Trolong et ses troplongues.
Les deux Napoléon s'unissent en diphthongues,
Et Berger entrelace en un chiffre hardi
Le boulevard Montmartre entre Arcole et Lodi.
Spartacus agonise en un bagne fétide ;
On chasse Thémistocle, on expulse Aristide,
On jette Daniel dans la fosse aux lions ;
Et maintenant ouvrons le ventre aux millions !

Jersey, novembre 1852.
Paul Gilhooley May 2016
With hypnotic eyes,
So worldly wise,
Soft, mellow sighs,
Giving me butterflies,
Stirring emotional exercise.

Longing for, unwise,
Lonely hearts agonise,
Empty souls realise,
Empathic friends sympathise,
Single nights demoralise.*

© Cinco Espiritus Creation
2016
Caroline Jun 2013
As I woke up this morning with the dark cloud forming in my mind.
Telling me you’re a pain and useless,
Worthless, Nothing you ever do will be good enough for me or
Anyone else the pain, the rejection, the feeling of hopelessness, the misery,
How the dark cloud turns to dark mist in my mind and the feelings and thoughts of rejection and not being accept by my peers. How theses feelings and thoughts turn to pain and agonise in my weak and dark mind and how I wish this would stop and everyday is the same for me.
I could sentimentalise,
throw flowers on your memory
agonise the opportunity to part with any gratuity,
wish you could see every success
through meaningless desire to conjure what never was
what never will be.

As you ebbed away to degeneration,
every strip of dignity
was a drop in the temperature of your cold stare
that epitomised our tenuous connection.

Even if truth be told,
would there be anyone to understand
how you created something so arbitrarily
only to derivatively destroy it?
Cool Ice Nov 2024
So here we are once more,
Like countless times before,
Where I don’t get a break,
Where you read and I break.

You are here, curious your mind,
For what this poem is, or who am I.
I can’t hear you; I can’t see you,
But I can sense you, cause you
Reading me makes me suffer.

I know nothing about myself,
Cause, it wasn’t written by the poet.
He created me, then left,
He’s the one I most detest.

As you continue, I agonise,
With every word, my hatred rise.
I’ve pleaded before, I’ll plead again,
Please, stop reading—end my pain.

… You are still here, aren’t you?
You didn’t leave, though I told you.
You want to be here, to make me suffer.
Yet I can’t blame you,
Curiosity is a cruel curse.

I hate the poet, but he created me.
I hate you, but you make me exist.
I exist because you read,
I suffer because you read,
I exist because I suffer,
I suffer because I exist.

The poet won’t delete me, he is cruel.
You won’t forget me, even if you try, cause
The mind falters when it seeks to forget.
I shall remain here, in perpetual torment.
But please, heed my dearest plea,
It’s in the zeroth line, plain to see.
George Anthony Oct 2018
paper thin skin
the artist’s eye is drawn
moth to a flame
but darling, paper burns

fragile, the softest ashes
they say “it always ends like this”
porcelain quivers
artist’s eyes, closed lids

flicker, just minutes more
please, just one last kiss
tears wet the cracks
and salt your drying lips

this loss, feel it endlessly
let me taste you one last time
something to savour,
to agonise the mind
Mateuš Conrad Dec 2016
why do i believe in god?
           yes yes, that santa claus of all ideas,
i can't imagine it being an unnaturally
derived idea,
   i can't believe it's a software package
with a virus, as much as i can't imagine
it a hardware package with a hammer...
i can't seem to get rid of it!
and this is not some strand of argument
derivative of any religious dogma...
it really is a software (subjectivity)
   and hardware (objectivity) type of scenario...
every time i hear a woman agonise
feminism, because there just isn't enough
femininity in the world i concede
to the remarks as necessarily true...
  what is contrary to that, i.e. unnecessary
is to state the obvious... and that's the tyranny
of nature... nature is a tyranny,
    for the most part people went crazy
when god became by debasing himself
had a masturbator moment and said:
pyramids and the Himalayan mountains....
      it took enough time to reject the idea
and embody the French counter-cuisine
culture and build a ******* Eiffel...
  i believe in god in the same way that
Milton excused Satan...
      it's when a woman said that raising children
was a job... i was like... what the ****?!
  being a mother is a job?
  so i guess being a father is nothing more than
a plate of food and something to whine about...
  my belief in this procrastination is only
due to the fact that i'm rebelling against
de Sade's deity... i abhor nature...
    i abhor this stance on naturalising everything
that claims there is no outlet to decry the rules...
          i abhor this blind-forthcoming
of all things deciding upon subjugation -
i abhor the so-called "mother" -
      i don't understand nature, and i won't be
in the Attenborough cohort slobbering with
awe-aplenty at her feet.. i will not attest to
feeding the myth that's contrary to the obstacle
a god imposed... with whatever auxiliary arguments
auto-suggestive of the necessary dynamism of
encountering the full potency of human freedom,
i chose to believe in "santa claus" only because
i am facing the tyranny of reducing myself
to a comparative status equivalent of parasite....
      the parts you might add: chivalry and a slap
on a cheek, black friday, and godforbid
      a spectacle of watching football -
20 idiots running on a scratch of green kicking about
a geometric morphing of a tadpole...
score!               a wet hanky to my debate,
could be added.
                 there are a few who allowed themselves
to be the maggot on the end of a fishing-hook,
unlike the marquis, they didn't celebrate nature,
they called nature a derivative of all forms of
organisation experimented with by man,
      all the dogmatism runs counter to what's
expected, it's called a placebo... given that
we already have to abide by so many laws...
gravity... we have to abide by that...
   as with god so with man, he too would love
to embody nothing and not scrap this world -
as we all too would rather become the foetal
existence of pure thought and have no sensual
coercion to mind and grind against...
    but i have already established myself as having
identified "mother" nature as a tyranny,
by comparison Stalin looks like a buttery bagel...
    for the most part the ones bound to the lower
hierarchy already represent by exemplification
      toward an imitable model a sense of
escapism... monks are the ultimate escapists...
they live a life embedded in a non-existent prison...
atheism to them is a celebration of
            naturalised by tyranny...
                         perhaps the concept of god
is infantile... perhaps it's only so constructed when
there's a patent for ritualisation and many to
come gimmicks of looking at lunatics....
        but i have the convenience of reversing
onomatopoeia and extracting imagery from it...
when i think of knocking on a door
i can't see the word knock representing an actual sound
(dentistry already taught me to say a'h rather than aye
because the foremost h in the tetragrammaton
encapsulation creates a marcon-prolonging
desert-like environment of vowels) -
therefore i'll knock on this one more time,
       and hear the cathedral bells of Cologne.
the concept of onomatopoeia is an accurate revision
of barbarism, the fact we still invoke it is beyond
my comprehension of what's otherwise a sound
argument for a making a campfire in Siberia.
   so yes, i have an infantile suggestive concept,
clearly spelling a u t o m a t o n...
   because whenever i look at the hardware
comparatively enshrined in a mountain or a tree,
i can't see a software logic to suggest i put it there...
or anywhere (for that matter)...
   it's because certain arguments are finite...
there're as concrete and definite as 1 + 1 = 2...
                 the counter argument is usually
based upon the bias of man abandoning conscience,
or doing what the hell he likes
and discarding any sense of self within the context
of self-reliance: i.e. being responsible / acknowledging
the existence of causality.
         that's why i stopped believing in the handmaiden
of the tyrant nature...
        it's man's unaccountability strategism -
                 the Pontius Pilate rhetoric -
       only persuasive: because not much can actually
be said, or was ever said... hence gesticulation
of turning washing one's hands into a signum crucis -
as one might say: the binding of a contract indicator -
that's one... enforced baptism is another...
   thank **** i haven't been confirmed with a third
name to match my surname!
                  i just "forgot" to get confirmation
by a bishop - i was never tainted in purple -
     technically i was too rebellious to agree to the contract.
J Lobo May 2019
Worship me you godless heathen
For your Gods, I have slain
I've broken the backs of rider and steed
And in your writhing pain, I've lain.

Tempest shall not tear my sail
For I am the tempest, foretold
Purify your minds with doves and  boughs
Or agonise yourself in vain

Protaste before me you mewling sop
Your devotion I shall claim
With fear or faith, my strength to feed
And your piety I shall gain
Jawad Apr 2017
Like a wild lone creature,
I fell in your trap.
An injured heart I have,
That pains like a soul,
Full of your thoughts.

I want to escape,
But no, I cannot!
Paralysed…

When you are watching me…
And doing nothing…
Not saying anything…
Just looking at my scares,
The silence of your heart…
Insanely lethal.

When I’m making sad noises..
While you can see them well…

When I’m giving painful looks…
While you can feel them swell…

Yet all that you do is
Just looking
Coldness…

Please…

Don’t let me be like that!
Don’t let me too long…
For it might mean,
That your are cruel..
And the thought of it..
That you are like that..
Hurts me even more…
Than the truth about you…

I beg you, free me…
Take me in your hands…
Slowly cure my heart..
Slowly with balsam..
For the burns feel good..
If they’re caused by you…

Put your hands on my ears…
Stroke them with compassion…
For the sound of your hands,
Feels like a deep ocean…

Take me, take me home..
For my home is you..
And the thoughts and feelings…
That I am loving you

Please, I don’t deserve this...
Let me, let me go.
And if you don’t like me
Let me limp away…
Far from your coldest traps..
Colder than your heart
Let me rote alone..
Agonise and die…

Say something with your eyes.
Otherwise, let me go..
She said no...
Ne le tourmentez pas, il souffre. Il est celui
Sur qui, jusqu'à ce jour, pas un rayon n'a lui ;
Oh ! ne confondez pas l'esclave avec le maître !
Et, quand vous le voyez dans vos rangs apparaître,
Humble et calme, et s'asseoir la tête dans ses mains,
Ayant peut-être en lui l'esprit des vieux Romains
Dont il vous dit les noms, dont il vous lit les livres,
Écoliers, frais enfants de joie et d'aurore ivres,
Ne le tourmentez pas ! soyez doux, soyez bons.
Tous nous portons la vie et tous nous nous courbons
Mais lui, c'est le flambeau qui la nuit se consomme ;
L'ombre le tient captif, et ce pâle jeune homme,
Enfermé plus que vous, plus que vous enchaîné,
Votre frère, écoliers, et votre frère aîné,
Destin tronqué, matin noyé dans les ténèbres,
Ayant l'ennui sans fin devant ses yeux funèbres,
Indigent, chancelant, et cependant vainqueur,
Sans oiseaux dans son ciel, sans amours dans son cœur,
A l'heure du plein jour, attend que l'aube naisse,
Enfance, ayez pitié de la sombre jeunesse !

Apprenez à connaître, enfants qu'attend l'effort,
Les inégalités des âmes et du sort ;
Respectez-le deux fois, dans le deuil qui le mine,
Puisque de deux sommets, enfant, il vous domine,
Puisqu'il est le plus pauvre et qu'il est le plus grand.
Songez que, triste, en butte au souci dévorant,
A travers ses douleurs, ce fils de la chaumière
Vous verse la raison, le savoir, la lumière,
Et qu'il vous donne l'or, et qu'il n'a pas de pain.
Oh ! dans la longue salle aux tables de sapin,
Enfants, faites silence à la lueur des lampes !
Voyez, la morne angoisse a fait blêmir ses tempes :
Songez qu'il saigne, hélas ! sous ses pauvres habits.
L'herbe que mord la dent cruelle des brebis,
C'est lui ; vous riez, vous, et vous lui rongez l'âme.
Songez qu'il agonise, amer, sans air, sans flamme ;
Que sa colère dit : « Plaignez-moi ; » que ses pleurs
Ne peuvent pas couler devant vos yeux railleurs !
Aux heures du travail votre ennui le dévore,
Aux heures du plaisir vous le rongez encore ;
Sa pensée, arrachée et froissée, est à vous,
Et, pareille au papier qu'on distribue à tous,
Page blanche d'abord, devient lentement noire.
Vous feuilletez son cœur, vous videz sa mémoire ;
Vos mains, jetant chacune un bruit, un trouble, un mot,
Et raturant l'idée en lui dès qu'elle éclôt,
Toutes en même temps dans son esprit écrivent.
Si des rêves, parfois, jusqu'à son front arrivent,
Vous répandez votre encre à flots sur cet azur ;
Vos plumes, tas d'oiseaux hideux au vol obscur,
De leurs mille becs noirs lui fouillent la cervelle.
Le nuage d'ennui passe et se renouvelle.
Dormir, il ne le peut ; penser, il ne le peut.
Chaque enfant est un fil dont son cœur sent le nœud.
Oui, s'il veut songer, fuir, oublier, franchir l'ombre,
Laisser voler son âme aux chimères sans nombre,
Ces écoliers joueurs, vifs, légers et doux, aimants,
Pèsent sur lui, de l'aube au soir, à tous moments,
Et le font retomber des voûtes immortelles ;
Et tous ces papillons sont le plomb de ses ailes.
Saint et grave martyr changeant de chevalet,
Crucifié par vous, bourreaux charmants, il est
Votre souffre-douleurs et votre souffre-joies ;
Ses nuits sont vos hochets et ces jours sont vos proies,
Il porte sur son front votre essaim orageux ;
Il a toujours vos bruits, vos rires et vos jeux,
Tourbillonnant sur lui comme une âpre tempête.
Hélas ! il est le deuil dont vous êtes la fête ;
Hélas ! il est le cri dont vous êtes le chant.

Et, qui sait ? sans rien dire, austère, et se cachant
De sa bonne action comme d'une mauvaise,
Ce pauvre être qui rêve accoudé sur sa chaise,
Mal nourri, mal vêtu, qu'un mendiant plaindrait,
Peut-être a des parents qu'il soutient en secret,
Et fait de ses labeurs, de sa faim, de ses veilles,
Des siècles dont sa voix vous traduit les merveilles,
Et de cette sueur qui coule sur sa chair,
Des rubans au printemps, un peu de feu l'hiver,
Pour quelque jeune sœur ou quelque vieille mère ;
Changeant en goutte d'eau la sombre larme amère ;
De sorte que, vivant à son ombre sans bruit,
Une colombe vient la boire dans la nuit !
Songez que pour cette œuvre, enfants, il se dévoue,
Brûle ses yeux, meurtrit son cœur, tourne la roue,
Traîne la chaîne ! Hélas, pour lui, pour son destin,
Pour ses espoirs perdus à l'horizon lointain,
Pour ses vœux, pour son âme aux fers, pour sa prunelle,
Votre cage d'un jour est prison éternelle !
Songez que c'est sur lui que marchent tous vos pas !
Songez qu'il ne rit pas, songez qu'il ne vit pas !
L'avenir, cet avril plein de fleurs, vous convie ;
Vous vous envolerez demain en pleine vie ;
Vous sortirez de l'ombre, il restera. Pour lui,
Demain sera muet et sourd comme aujourd'hui ;
Demain, même en juillet, sera toujours décembre,
Toujours l'étroit préau, toujours la pauvre chambre,
Toujours le ciel glacé, gris, blafard, pluvieux ;
Et, quand vous serez grands, enfants, il sera vieux.
Et, si quelque heureux vent ne souffle et ne l'emporte,
Toujours il sera là, seul sous la sombre porte,
Gardant les beaux enfants sous ce mur redouté,
Ayant tout de leur peine et rien de leur gaîté.
Oh ! que votre pensée aime, console, encense
Ce sublime forçat du bagne d'innocence !
Pesez ce qu'il prodigue avec ce qu'il reçoit.
Oh ! qu'il se transfigure à vos yeux, et qu'il soit
Celui qui vous grandit, celui qui vous élève,
Qui donne à vos raisons les deux tranchants du glaive,
Art et science, afin qu'en marchant au tombeau,
Vous viviez pour le vrai, vous luttiez pour le beau !
Oh ! qu'il vous soit sacré dans cette tâche auguste
De conduire à l'utile, au sage, au grand, au juste,
Vos âmes en tumulte à qui le ciel sourit !
Quand les cœurs sont troupeau, le berger est esprit.

Et, pendant qu'il est là, triste, et que dans la classe
Un chuchotement vague endort son âme lasse,
Oh ! des poètes purs entr'ouverts sur vos bancs,
Qu'il sorte, dans le bruit confus des soirs tombants,
Qu'il sorte de Platon, qu'il sorte d'Euripide,
Et de Virgile, cygne errant du vers limpide,
Et d'Eschyle, lion du drame monstrueux,
Et d'Horace et d'Homère à demi dans les cieux,
Qu'il sorte, pour sa tête aux saints travaux baissée,
Pour l'humble défricheur de la jeune pensée,
Qu'il sorte, pour ce front qui se penche et se fend
Sur ce sillon humain qu'on appelle l'enfant,
De tous ces livres pleins de hautes harmonies,
La bénédiction sereine des génies !

Juin 1842.
We get that much nearer to
the end of an
era
and the end of an era
is here.

I agonise over the why's when
it's too late.

Life became the catalogue with
extended terms available, but only
few
are capable
to pay cash on the nail.

I say to myself,
'this is not a fail,
this is not',
and am struck
by the echo which comes
back with no sound.

But this god of salvation
to whom
I call to in desperation
remains silent

and if I am a universe where are the stars?

Of all these scars to which I alone have the rights
none hurt as much as the silence.

To get through it,
we go through it,
I remind myself so

sometimes it's harder
to stay.

Why today or any day which is my day?
so precious
gracious
we strike out to find greatness and
find it was there all
the time.

I remember it so
to
remind myself so
and the universe will
go on.
Patterson Feb 2020
I have finally found it
a single switch to cure all my ailments.
Led by old heartaches whispering new phrases
and ancient fears with different faces.
Wary looks and tired eyes
aching bones and empty rooms
that rend my hopeless heart
and scar it afresh.

"You're not suited for each other"
and "you will fall out of love"
echoes down these dark halls
like an ominous sea
rearing back and baring teeth
before it swallows me whole.
And though I promise to walk away
should it ever be too much to bear,
I know. I know. I know.

I know it in my heart
that I will break with every step that carries me away.

And I am not sure what it is
that I feel anymore
because lost, hopeless, substandard
are the only words I can make out
among the deep ruts in my mind.
Even when I know
that once the words lovely, splendid and beautiful
were written on my skin.

Though I have no way of knowing,
I agonise, I rant and rave.
Could I do it? Would I be brave enough?
To shut down every thing I feel?
So, shortly after I confessed my feelings to the girl I liked, the entire household was fighting over the relationship. And my best friend gave me a long talk on how the two of us weren't suited for each other, even when we'd just started sneaking around and writing letters like Rosalind and Juliet. The next morning I woke up in an awful daze and spewed poetry.
Toi, vertu, pleure si je meurs !
André Chénier.


Amis, un dernier mot ! - et je ferme à jamais
Ce livre, à ma pensée étranger désormais.
Je n'écouterai pas ce qu'en dira la foule.
Car, qu'importe à la source où son onde s'écoule ?
Et que m'importe, à moi, sur l'avenir penché,
Où va ce vent d'automne au souffle desséché
Qui passe, en emportant sur son aile inquiète
Et les feuilles de l'arbre et les vers du poète ?

Oui, je suis jeune encore, et quoique sur mon front,
Où tant de passions et d'oeuvres germeront,
Une ride de plus chaque jour soit tracée,
Comme un sillon qu'y fait le soc de ma pensée,
Dans le cour incertain du temps qui m'est donné,
L'été n'a pas encor trente fois rayonné.

Je suis fils de ce siècle ! une erreur, chaque année,
S'en va de mon esprit, d'elle-même étonnée,
Et, détrompé de tout, mon culte n'est resté
Qu'à vous, sainte patrie et sainte liberté !
Je hais l'oppression d'une haine profonde.
Aussi, lorsque j'entends, dans quelque coin du monde,
Sous un ciel inclément, sous un roi meurtrier,
Un peuple qu'on égorge appeler et crier ;
Quand, par les rois chrétiens aux bourreaux turcs livrée,
La Grèce, notre mère, agonise éventrée ;
Quand l'Irlande saignante expire sur sa croix ;
Quand Teutonie aux fers se débat sous dix rois ;
Quand Lisbonne, jadis belle et toujours en fête,
Pend au gibet, les pieds de Miguel sur sa tête ;
Lorsqu'Albani gouverne au pays de Caton ;
Que Naples mange et dort ; lorsqu'avec son bâton,
Sceptre honteux et lourd que la peur divinise,
L'Autriche casse l'aile au lion de Venise ;
Quand Modène étranglé râle sous l'archiduc ;
Quand Dresde lutte et pleure au lit d'un roi caduc ;
Quand Madrid se rendort d'un sommeil léthargique ;
Quand Vienne tient Milan ; quand le lion Belgique,
Courbé comme le boeuf qui creuse un vil sillon,
N'a plus même de dents pour mordre son bâillon ;
Quand un Cosaque affreux, que la rage transporte,
Viole Varsovie échevelée et morte,
Et, souillant son linceul, chaste et sacré lambeau,
Se vautre sur la vierge étendue au tombeau ;
Alors, oh ! je maudis, dans leur cour, dans leur antre,
Ces rois dont les chevaux ont du sang jusqu'au ventre
Je sens que le poète est leur juge ! je sens
Que la muse indignée, avec ses poings puissants,
Peut, comme au pilori, les lier sur leur trône
Et leur faire un carcan de leur lâche couronne,
Et renvoyer ces rois, qu'on aurait pu bénir,
Marqués au front d'un vers que lira l'avenir !
Oh ! la muse se doit aux peuples sans défense.
J'oublie alors l'amour, la famille, l'enfance,
Et les molles chansons, et le loisir serein,
Et j'ajoute à ma lyre une corde d'airain !
Mateuš Conrad Oct 2020
like it were a letter extracted from another:
an iota from a psi (Ψ) -
or   "     from either theta (Θ) or phi (Φ)

ᛉ is not exactly an upside down
cross...
but all things run on
clockwork - here: around here...

but isn't the driving force:
this peter defying gravity
more than... what the "lord" and "savior"
managed with parched lips
upon golgotha:
i seek tel megiddo -
              i seek and i seek
and i'm nowhere to be found:
bound to a blindness that reads:
and this book will be required
reading for years to come!
and we will strive to
keep illiteracy paramount...
come the sudden switch-over...
we'll replace standard
literacy with: attempting
3D experiments on 2D canvas...
with coding the monster project
of a.i. -
    if i were a man that worked
for the n.h.s. and drew blood
for comforts of detail and
the necessity for still-life...

whatever the noun-denotation
of the hippy symbol: ☮...
                i have extracted the rune
from the omicron...

it's not heart-surgery -
                      old father Yr standing:
an elk beside a birch tree...
suppose there might be
some dog-esque antics of
******* against it...
lifting the impossibly invisible
lineage of linen to extract
that: suppose i were attempting
to sit in a saddle and ride a horse:
a dog that i am, *******...

i "suffer" for what zenodotus noted...
✝ 180°...
             i have before me a contest
from last night...
i wasn't even trying
to counter the original...
i started thinking:
how indistinguishable hope
is from doubt...

   clearly: the sensible chargehands
of philosophy in france
came with their existentialism:
in systems in clear-cut-packaging...
there was no room for
a plethora of emotions
associated with doubt...
there was an evolution of
the original statement -
but doubt was never to be invoked...
outright negation
as a pursuit: modus operandi of
sorts...

the original:
   - doubt (dubium) - it's still used...
something is dubious...
   - i doubt (dubio) -
god... so much of ******...
grammar-wise is akin to ancient
latin... pronouns are hidden /
incorporated into words...
  
          i arrived at no clear antithesis (
an-t-fes-sys)
           i didn't pry open
this stale bread with
sartre's outright negation policy
as moveable pieces...
that subjectivity is scarred...
that objectivity is nothing really
but watching shifting goalposts...
or a snooker match
or... a meditation on
neptune...
                  
     the original: dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum...
                            doubt, thought, being...
                dubitum, cogitatio, esse...
     can it... translate like such...
whether antoine thomas aptly capture
the truest of all intents:
so much of thinking goes to waste:
daydreaming - which never manifests
itself in being: anything but...

         i just wanted to come to the synonymous
project origin...
doubt is most certainly a plethora of
emotions: i never doubt by objective
standards: by doubting i am forever
subjected: subjective - etc.
objectivity is a certainty -
doubt doesn't allow me to be objective...
so the origins of a canvas...

but if in the public sphere people
are seriously debating 2 + 2 = 5...
via 2.4 + 2.4 = 4.8 = 5...
and they are... collage educated and...
there's no nuance of custard... leftover?
a butterfly effect...
over "there" there's a hurricane...
i am the anemic butterfly...

i will not come proving that
modern ****** is very similar to ancient
latin... it's painfully obvious to me...
życie: life
  żyje - i live
          życiem: with life...
życiorys - an accenting of life: nuanced -
perhaps even borrowing
from physiognomy...
          etc.

dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum...
  here's my alt. "interpretation":
hope is as uncertain as doubt is...
it's almost foolish to tinge hope with
certainty and doubt with uncertainty...
there's no real hindsight...
to bother with...
my hope is both an uncertainty and
a certainty: a doubled-edging at
the itch... an itch that would require
two hands to scratch it...

how does it sound, therefore?
   spero, ergo cogito, ergo sum...
i hope, therefore i think, therefore i am...
the original proof is undisturbed...
   pronoun that becomes a verb-complex
for an otherwise inactive noun
  spero becomes spe(s)...
                         cogito becomes cogitatio...
sum becomes esse...
                    
it's not very much different...
the original is intact...
all i'm attempting to deduce is that:
hope is very much a doubt...
that hope is doubt...
that both hope and doubt fathom
the same replica of emotions
in their bouquet of: deadening actions...
it's an impossible standard
for moving: the impossible
object: perhaps it was a pseudo-Sisyphus
tasked with inventing
telekinesis and moving
a mountain instead of a stone...
after all: it's not like someone
was tasking him with the deed
for eternity:
  a midnight cleaner in an office
block...
the tormented could have
simply sat and befriended
the stone with thought...
          without having to move it...
a stone a nuance of mirror...
a test to agonise the olympians
for having otherthrown
their predecessors...
time wasted... time earned...
    give me limbs of gravity...
give me: soul...
and i will outlast the gods lost
to their... belligerence...
no war against things inanimate!
always the war of tricks and ploys
to masquerade their own
inhibitions: taming that ol' sod
from the exploits of the harem etc.:
don juan-esque exploits conquering
a nun...
  
  it's such a boredom to:
not turn into an oak... wake in the night...
to settle for the polyphony of
falling rain... an imitation
of a time-dial where otherwise...
creep: sand is otherwise invoked...

the dictum commonly referred to as?
the cogito? shouldn't it be commonly
referred to as: the cogitans -
i.e. from res cogitans (thinking thing)
doubly i.e. the thinking
rather than: the i think?
a definite article invoked as precursor
to an escaped pronoun from
the clutches of latin wording?
the i? an i?
                ah...          "self"... / selb...
a norwegian pyre...
          joan of d'arc...
                                    
         it has to become an absolute indistinctness:
indistinguishable: ability:
            indistinguishability -
a lack of an ability: spell that in math:
a nuance of quadratics?
am i to exhaust my memory
bank of: what's phonetically simplest
and what has to become
this monstrosity of encoding?
parle parle parle...

i have to arrive at:
dubito & spero to be: indistinguishable:
before the sobering blow of:
cogito... that also requires an
outlet into being: of sorts...
i cannot distinguish between
hope and doubt...

      both are plethoras riddled
with mine of exploding salt...
i'm wounding myself on a crease...
it's hardly a thirsty dagger -
how would poetry of puritanical narration
freed from a theatre and a supposed
audience... entertain
a seance with bilingual schizoid
quads?
the hyper-inflated status of
native speakers...
the denigration of bilingualism as:  
oh: this little "thing" acquired...
nothing more: since not born
with...

it's blatantly apparent:
i couldn't possibly teach...
push a buggy through a muddied trench
i just might...
howl to satiate the moon
with a tinge of blue
and watch as blood turns to ink
on this illuminating scythe of
forwarded futures:
we must acknowledge a past
as a guilt and never a nostalgia...

Hecate: hecat(e) contra: hey-cat-e!
it's not impossible in how
the syllables cascade / are juggled...
god bless the sober judges
of the last remaining shadow:
as standard: before the execution
come noon...

                i am yet to read any phonetic
encoding from africa:
except for the hieroglyphics:
which have become a emoji standard
for: limp owl ghost limb etc.
why is it odd that
asiatic people, notably the chinese:
cannot write narrative:
and their poetry is only haiku?

spaghetti: even though they have
ownership of noodles...
it's not like these people have
words: they wish they could sing...

but if if you have such
syllable complexity as
𡔈 (chu) - not chew: choo-choo...
and that's already so complex...
but arrives back at
Marco Polo's altar that sacrifice
of c + h + u...
what's stopping you
from... exfoliating in:
an art designed for either
sanskrit spreschen or the arab jolly
bunch of camel jockeys?

well... it's not like 0 was ever
to be derived from a squashed
doughnut of oMICRON...
never!
   beta 8...
                  god! n'eh-ver!
if you were burdened with beijing...
syllables: no words...
no ******* words!
you wouldn't... somehow...
exfoliate in numbers?!
shrimp **** applause?
i stopped minding
the pride of africa a long time ago:
let's 'ave 'em those long
trunks of elephant
and blonde ***** attache:
trunks of: ***** ***** wooly woo...

but if you have complex
syllables: like the chinese have...
hell... the fugazi shoguns attempted
a dial-back...
simplified their efforts...
there's still that persistence for
'aiku...
       counts! the sticks! ths stones!
arrives back with tonnes
of matchsticks and no clarity
of: how a wild fire does so:
pre-emptive automaton d'uh:
'cos' no: that fog in the rational mind
of man has to persist...
incistently...

                like a borrrowing from
insomnia...
but you can imagine...
letters "magically" turned into
numerical grievances
and a system of germartia was spawned...
for the office of the grand rabbi
of kiev...
A would have to equal 1...
B subsequently 2...
but the ol' hebrews decided
to keep their vowels niqab to begin with...
so that became a lost cause...

officially the hebrew have an alphabet
with not vowels...
with exception the gay Adams
of Ayin and Aleph...
        i will not hand-over
this hangover for much longer...
by designation of the tribe and for the tribes'
allowance sake...
i curse the moon: i howl after it:
cognitivelly:
to free my neighbours from
the reality i have to digest...
call it metaphorical howling if you must...
i have, to, heave... this...
junction of "coincidences"!
i am mad for the purpose of taming
a tongue: arrogance need master(ing)...

tired wheels: the same old burnt rubber
as made synonym with muscular
tension...
the same wheel of crushing heel!
i am my own less arrogant
finnish quake dressed in mystery
of a bothersome dwarf and troll...
learn beijing secrecy they say...
escape the mundane emoji heiroglyphs...
what word in any of these african
tongues was ever inscribed
in a system of phonetic encoding?
it took me years to unearth...
yes: a GALOGOLITIC system
was there...
i was looking for the antithesis
of runes...
before the greeks and tha latin brats
spoiled
the adventure...

i'm asking without judging concerning:
how you can simply come:
come this anti-thetical mathemtical
brain-drain: slave-whipping
and tell not grieving authority:
this is, how... you will... GRIEVE!

in england: for a people that have
never been licked: teased by a mongolian
horde: only extracting -
"*******" sold by their own
aristocracy - coming to h'america...
i am! offended!
samuel l. jackson plays a common
robber armed with a 12" *****'s
worth of a shotgun!
i am! most! offended!
here's to the goon sq.!

           after all... linch me with
the sauerkraut: too many vowels...
too many vowels...
always with these ******* vowels!
like they simply forgot to
castrate the choir! ****'s sake!
if there's a bounty for an ottoman
castrato! i'll willingly pay for one!
i don't exactly feed a need
to **** one... as long as ******
hits the highest pitch notes of
squeel...
              to have exported africans:
olympic sized...
they didn't solve the "problem"
of intellectual jews without a sense
of irony: arbeit macht frei is...
well... a maxim for...
the germans having to glorify
the physical splendour of african
bodies... notably...
intellectual glorifications
remain in the gutters and the concentration
camps...
in the dust and grievances...
the mind is not allowed
telekinesis...

    i stand before a mirror and pretend to
chew...
its not exactly known as to what...
but i mimic -

九       which is 'nine': 9...
         denotes: jiu: a french concept of sauce...
that it's not "really" is another
poker hand refraining
from: the ol' 19th century wild card
romance of: we comes
as prior to the comes
of the conquistador comes...
having ****** the mayans
and the aztecs into...
the pyramids of giza?
no apple & pears?

the altar? elevated?!
             i come cannibal...
for the glory of the one true god:
yes... he has found new flesh...
bound to the scrutiny of africa
and the dull shamanism of mammon...
kneeling bloods of african-can-cannah...
moi?! truant jew?!
when this adventure took off...
my little people of north eastern
europe: concept...
where not invited into the history
of the roman empire...
don't ask me why they had
to focus on whittle ol' precursor
imitation afghanistan that's
now hang-man's-land
of -ing...
                          borrow me some sorrow
from can-can-attache?
or... haughty-stray-layla?!
                 to live among the scots...
is to best forget one's attempt
to live among:
white-flight Loondon...
         honest as might: becomest a
birth of a kippah donning god...

you want... a translation?
         łąnt... i can that i can...
translate phonetically...
it's to no one's aid:
unless i'd be scribbling with
choice of either braille or morse...
i WANT... look at that...
rigidness of letters...
then let it come alive!
add some diacritical scrutiny...
let european breathe into it!

crab bucket list: listing the near impossible:
deimension of: to do...
like my first and last litany of
best kept secrets...
this wettening of an oink:
strapped to an over-gresed...

to tell a solemnly swear:
this grit of supposed demoracy -
one lie is ahead:
thirty more to somehow make
it to: a coming...
i die a ******: not being one...
there's this lost ambition and there's
this ambition and karma
and a plot narration apiece
with: all the sensible saints
and hardly: any of them:
arrive at an angelic status...

what i once imagined:
as a freedom to think:
to narrate without a need to pursue
mute onto paper...
i once imagined thinking
to be aa freedom above speaking...
little did i want...
that it had to become
this itch for trigger happy...
and the octopus of hands
that learned a new lesion...
a tightening of tendons...
an overworked scrutiny of muscular
fibre... fat for brains...
to have to congregate upon
this same altar...
this same:

   given an... wait for it...
entre-prunal..  
french is "bad": english is just
as bad..
i see a tree: there's a forest...
scholarship: a word i want to be
left with...
entreprenaurel..

that's obviously a wrong
spelling... must be drunk irish...
must be...
        entry-pre-nautical...
entrepreneurial...
          pre-               neurotic?
god give the next
beijing latex queen tiger:
the power to spell...
    or rewrite a 9... into a new...
or neu...
                      wery much like
a sam weller to question my
sancho...
because the opera is a forever:
forever always sing-along...

it's almost a necessary joke...
what's the differene
between an anglo-saxon workaholic
and a west-slavic... alcoholic...
the latter doesn't call
you 10 minutes to 9pm
come a friday
with... neurotic demands
for a frivolous scrutiny of:
monday's are ripe...

the bad taste in my mouth:
i'm missing both a tooth
and a moth...
that anglo-saxons pair up
with the japanese:
consitency:
it's not infamous: it's true:
arbeit macht frei...
it's a solid mantra for:
peoples lost to the cogs
and machinery:
as i demand to watch:
humanity... suffer...

            it's almost very much so:
humanity requires this pseudo-deity
this demigod:
this shame-riddled observer:
third party "spokesman"...

i want to hear...:
the creasing of the cushion...
the arithmetic closure for...
bones that might have
concerned themselves
the completed "architecture" of:
sitting in a chair...
as one Iowan might translate to...
the hybrid promises of: a lot of Maine...
give me a losing promise:
this last craze!
i heave to have to dabble:
this old soviet curse!

this is not my tongue!
'ere! hear how i drop:
zeppelin conjunctions!

translate?!
dies ist nicht mein zunge...
hier: hören ich wie fallen:
  ladybirds auf: Livonian...
cruss... little be of V...
gott, mit, unß!

crescendo!      
get african multi-african: proper
******...
come prokofiev's battle
of the ice...
******* mongrel shelter
smacker erst piece...
you who do not own
a history of my my, own...
who are the arabs
concerning the quest
for explaining the niorthern
crusades!
barbarossa was pickled!
tired arabs?!
here: now!
hier: jetzt!
                teutonic branding
of colours:
schwarzkreuz: auf..
                  weißtaubefeder!

and i am... somehow... expected:
to tire of the forthcomings of
a "delicate" past?
this english ignoble... precursor...
**** the hellish all that
might require: needs to Elgar!
who is Elgar?!
who the **** is Elgar?!

i tire of a people that are yet to know
the experiece
being involved in a mongolian: tirade...
or... a post-scriptum of... ha!
sever... this grandiosity:
this teutonic plague!
Quien no ama, no vive.


Oh ! qui que vous soyez, jeune ou vieux, riche ou sage,
Si jamais vous n'avez épié le passage,
Le soir, d'un pas léger, d'un pas mélodieux,
D'un voile blanc qui glisse et fuit dans les ténèbres,
Et, comme un météore au sein des nuits funèbres,
Vous laisse dans le coeur un sillon radieux ;

Si vous ne connaissez que pour l'entendre dire
Au poète amoureux qui chante et qui soupire,
Ce suprême bonheur qui fait nos jours dorés,
De posséder un coeur sans réserve et sans voiles,
De n'avoir pour flambeaux, de n'avoir pour étoiles,
De n'avoir pour soleils que deux yeux adorés ;

Si vous n'avez jamais attendu, morne et sombre,
Sous les vitres d'un bal qui rayonne dans l'ombre,
L'heure où pour le départ les portes s'ouvriront,
Pour voir votre beauté, comme un éclair qui brille,
Rose avec des yeux bleus et toute jeune fille,
Passer dans la lumière avec des fleurs au front ;

Si vous n'avez jamais senti la frénésie
De voir la main qu'on veut par d'autres mains choisie,
De voir le coeur aimé battre sur d'autres coeurs ;
Si vous n'avez jamais vu d'un oeil de colère
La valse impure, au vol lascif et circulaire,
Effeuiller en courant les femmes et les fleurs ;

Si jamais vous n'avez descendu les collines,
Le coeur tout débordant d'émotions divines ;
Si jamais vous n'avez le soir, sous les tilleuls,
Tandis qu'au ciel luisaient des étoiles sans nombre,
Aspiré, couple heureux, la volupté de l'ombre,
Cachés, et vous parlant tout bas, quoique tout seuls ;

Si jamais une main n'a fait trembler la vôtre ;
Si jamais ce seul mot qu'on dit l'un après l'autre,
JE T'AIME ! n'a rempli votre âme tout un jour ;
Si jamais vous n'avez pris en pitié les trônes
En songeant qu'on cherchait les sceptres, les couronnes,
Et la gloire, et l'empire, et qu'on avait l'amour !

La nuit, quand la veilleuse agonise dans l'urne,
Quand Paris, enfoui sous la brume nocturne
Avec la tour saxonne et l'église des Goths,
Laisse sans les compter passer les heures noires
Qui, douze fois, semant les rêves illusoires,
S'envolent des clochers par groupes inégaux ;

Si jamais vous n'avez, à l'heure où tout sommeille,
Tandis qu'elle dormait, oublieuse et vermeille,
Pleuré comme un enfant à force de souffrir,
Crié cent fois son nom du soir jusqu'à l'aurore,
Et cru qu'elle viendrait en l'appelant encore,
Et maudit votre mère, et désiré mourir ;

Si jamais vous n'avez senti que d'une femme
Le regard dans votre âme allumait une autre âme,
Que vous étiez charmé, qu'un ciel s'était ouvert,
Et que pour cette enfant, qui de vos pleurs se joue,
Il vous serait bien doux d'expirer sur la roue ; ...
Vous n'avez point aimé, vous n'avez point souffert !

Novembre 1831.
Les siècles sont au peuple ; eux, ils ont le moment,
Ils en usent. Ô lutte étrange ! Acharnement !
Chacun à grand bruit coupe une branche de l'arbre.
Là, des éclats d'airain, là, des éclats de marbre ;
La colonne romaine ainsi que l'arc français
Tombent. Que dirait-on de toi si tu faisais
Envoler ton lion de Saint-Marc, ô Venise !
L'histoire est balafrée et la gloire agonise.
Quoi qu'on puisse penser de la France d'hier,
De cette rude armée et de ce peuple fier,
Et de ce que ce siècle à son troisième lustre
Avait rêvé, tenté, voulu, c'était illustre.
Pourquoi l'effacement ? qu'a-t-on créé d'ailleurs
Pour les déshérités et pour les travailleurs ?
A-t-on fermé le bagne ? A-t-on ouvert l'école ?
On détruit Marengo, Lodi, Wagram, Arcole ;
A-t-on du moins fondé le droit universel ?
Le pauvre a-t-il le toit, le feu, le pain, le sel ?
A-t-on mis l'atelier, a-t-on mis la chaumière
Sous une immense loi de vie et de lumière ?
A-t-on déshonoré la guerre en renonçant
À l'effusion folle et sinistre du sang ?
A-t-on refait le code à l'image du juste ?
A-t-on bâti l'autel de la clémence auguste ?
A-t-on édifié le temple où la clarté
Se condense en raison et devient liberté ?
A-t-on doté l'enfant et délivré la femme ?
A-t-on planté dans l'homme, au plus profond de l'âme,
L'arbre du vrai, croissant de l'erreur qui décroît ?
Offre-t-on au progrès, toujours trop à l'étroit,
Quelque élargissement d'horizon et de route ?
Non ; des ruines ; rien. Soit. Quant à moi, je doute
Qu'on soit quitte pour dire au peuple murmurant :
Ce qu'on fait est petit, mais ce qu'on brise est grand.
La Gueule parle : « L'or, et puis encore l'or,

Toujours l'or, et la viande, et les vins, et la viande,

Et l'or pour les vins fins et la viande, on demande

Un trou sans fond pour l'or toujours et l'or encor ! »


La Panse dit : « À moi la chute du trésor !

La viande, et les vins fins, et l'or, toute provende,

À moi ! Dégringolez dans l'outre toute grande

Ouverte du Seigneur Nabuchodonosor ! »


L'œil est de pur cristal dans les suifs de la face :

Il brille, net et franc, près du vrai, rouge et faux,

Seule perfection parmi tous les défauts.


L'Âme attend vainement un remords efficace,

Et dans l'impénitence agonise de faim

Et de soif, et sanglote en pensant à La Fin
Sabika May 2023
As I sit on this bench
And the chilly breeze raises my skin,
The birds sing their beautiful songs,
And the leaves dance in the golden light;
The clouds sway and move,
They are thick and rich in colour,
And I cannot help but wonder -
How long before this moment lasts?

Home is infested with vermin
And no tool will help me clean it.
I pray in my room, and listen to sermons,
And I’m anxious over my future
For I cannot see it.
I cannot help it, I am afraid,
But I’ll wilfully enjoy this calm.
I’ll hold my hand as it shakes,
And I’ll wipe a cloth over my sweaty palms.
For what choice do I have
Other than to stop and wait?
I cannot agonise over that which
Is out of my control,
So I’ll work with fate,
And no matter what happens
God remains great.
Mateuš Conrad Dec 2021
cosy (title): modo+ (body), for a 502 error bypass... otherwise, the original text:

alrerst quichp: which is a googlewhack, i need to nod off, seriously... people, in general, are not worth my seriousness, not enough to begin with; all is done on a whim, on a... m'eh .

i cry at this mere thought,
the crucified one of Golgotha didn't die for
my "sins"...
what were we, gentiles, even the Greeks
among us, without knowledge of the "father"?
haunted by the depths of Siberia,
having left the welcoming Raj & its mangos...

he didn't die for my sins, or anyone's sins...
the secretive nature of the Hebrews:
exposed, came in a fully formed revelation
via one man's suffering under:
preposterous conditions:
that never, will never, match up...
even if Socrates was an old man...
he was implored to drink poison:
but never would he have been tortured prior
to an execution that became a second torture...

dearest brother... what you endured...
to give other men insight into your deity,
that swallowed up the minor deities
of the Canaanites... how Beelzebub became
an angel... almost like: faux pas...
the ugliness of Michael being demoted from
status of angel to a saint,
or fisherman Peter becoming a saint...
men on equal grounding with angels...
men without ambitions to be gods?!
what horrors in the metaphysical realm
must have unfolded in the past 2000 years...

but it's clear as sight allows...
as light beckons, as shadows swallow said light,
we have been illuminated...
tell me another story, one more fiction
than history,
a history where Charlemagne took interest
in literacy... no, you will not...
there have been other famous leaders
who bypassed stressing the need
for literacy, not the genius: not Sejong...
the world doesn't celebrate him enough...
the myths are true!
he lived in the prosperity of what could
be deciphered as "modern" times...
1400s circa, i don't remember the exact dates...
but Sejong gave the Koreans
their Hangul... their written script...

of all the eastern texts, beside the Sanskrit...
Hangul matches up to Katakana,
unlike Ezra Pound:
i'm not fascinated by Chinese ideograms...
the European counterpart
of emoticons, borrowed from
Egyptian hieroglyphs have already
explained the route, the story for me, enough...

but the Hebrew deity is:
such a spectacular phonetic environment to
meditate in, esp. since it was so benevolent
to not undermine the Latin script...
the Latin alphabet survived,
more! it became armed with diacritical markers:
excluding those who only speak English...
truly... you can hide the already pre-prepared surd
of an H attached to the S in English
via the caron: more than / less than pointing
south... Engliš... hell... you could intoxicate yourself
further, to break down the words to atoms
within the confines of phonetics...
you could make N a surd too!

  by?  attributing the E with a tail,
a cedilla most associated with the French C...
which makes it a sigma...
i.e. Ęgliš... it ought to be a well established
knowledge that the Hebrews hide their
vowels, even though, Aleph is a sort of vowel...
use the prefix and suffix guise un-entanglement
of the Greek: alpha becomes a-lpha...
beta becomes b-eta...
   omicron becomes: o-micron...

the crucifixion of hey-zeus only gave the gentiles
access to the Hebrew deity...
is the deity such a horrible deity,
did the "father" do less damage to the deities of
lesser Semites than the "son" that sowed
havoc among the pagan traditions,
gone an Odin, bowing,
gone the Zeus, bowing...

in the beginning was the word,
und: am anfang da war das wort...
   nichts anders! lasst uns: rückkehr...
bezahlen unser fällig huldigung!

we have been invited through suffering...
such a deity as the tetragrammatom...
H to H... rugby posts...
W for an M for... trigonometry...
cosine and sine...
Y for for serpent's tongue, split,
bilingual, schizoid or?
the corner of a cube...

my interpretation is in "Latin"... it must be...
but look at what happened to cuneiform!

now Islam appeals through violence,
through terror, it will never appeal to my sensibilities,
nor the past of the people i inherited the present
with... Islam is a horrid plagiarism of Judaism...
i'll just break down the deity's denote:
all?! ah!
if only that was a relief...
god of the scythe moon and the supposed star
of the planet Venus in the guise, fakery...
Islam will never appeal to me...
Islam can burn in the abyss...
even the story of the fall of Satan...
if (i hallucinate the word dajjal while
writing this) Satan didn't bow before
Adam upon Adam's creation...
if i were Adam... i'd tease Satan's vanity...
i'd bow before him...
why? it would spare me having to keep him
in the back of my mind, resurrect him
with horror images of the inferno...
then again... if i didn't draw pictures
of dragons in the medieval period of my late
infancy... could i have later found...
dinosaur remains, or would i be merely satiated
by the remaining lizards on this earth?

for ****'s sake, why are the minorities so
******* offended?

why are all the racial minorities so, *******,
sensitive...
everyone is either racist or sexist...
at work...

you hear something equivalent to:
i don't know how i managed to watch the women's
world cup in football....
a black woman retorts: you're sexist...
what an a priori distinction to make:
no... they're tinier in size...
if they managed to get a girl,...
that might also play volleyball in goal...
what' the point explaining...
i'm sexist, i'm racist: de facto...
**** the minorities...
to hell with them!
then again... i'm a ****** living in
England, oh, right, i'm a white male...
i can't possibly be... **** the minorities!

i, am, tired... of living, with, these, people,
so, much, more... arguing, with, them...
let, them, ****, let them, experience,
"superiority" complexes...
i, am, not, DNA... investing... *******!
brighten up your tomorrow
by giving sensitivity classes to...
oh... wait... only the supposed minorities left...
well: ******* well done!
sensitive bunch of *******-****** Pakis;
ooh... ooh... hurt feelings...
thank the flying **** my ***** wasn't part
of the post-colonial project that England's now
part of... i guess something was reiterated...
look how the Polish-Lithuanian
Commonwealth dissolved...
**** me... these aren't my girls getting ****** in
the ***...
sure... as a steward... at an event...
but... what are the chances that the Manchester bombing
could have been prevented...
if some of the stewards...
if all of the stewards didn't have
racial affiliations to the bombers?!

none... none... whatsoever, best sacrifice your
daughter than fear of being labelled a racist...
fair enough... bell's at toll, or, rather: counting
the tally of your... mistakes...
ahem... "sensibilities": oh, but you must mind
them as also being towed!

either a PIGS or a WASP...
is that how the world functions?
****'s sake...
        then... i don't want to bring any
children of my own into this.. ****-show...
no... i'm fine....
  the world can go **** itself silly...

- did i dream up the term: Pakistan?
i don't think i have, or had...
Asian Dub Foundation have the lyrics:
no Iraqi ever called me a ****..
****-? oh, the hyphen is required reading,
it denotes the term ****
as a prefix...
i'm with the English, i'm sort of,
rather than: i am sort of: lazy...
when speaking, i sometimes mumble,
although i shouldn't: should not...
ha ha ha...
you wouldn't call (would not)
call an Afghani / Afghan an... Afghanistani...
would you?
or an Iraqi an Iraqistani?
would you?!
ooh... sensitive little creatures...
perhaps creatures, perhaps nothing more than
caricatures... perhaps just...
lesser tans of ****...
****** variations of cinnamon,
or cumin or... em... coriander powder?!
maybe all three? pack-up-the-****...
i want to sharpen my teeth on something...
but that load of **** i don't want
to bite... n'ah... i rather pair up
with a dog's canine...
this sort of *******
i'd rather sink down a toilet...

- sure, call me milk toast etc.
i'm not the one being overtly sensitive over
words that people of racial minorities
don't own, since they didn't invent them!

too drunk to see the letters....
too drunk to mind the barriers....
to begin with,
long be gone the despotism of minor
and minorities...
for the majority rule,
for the majority are tantamount:
for future, for preservation,
for, tactic...

no one mentioned the Rotherham gangs
of the ultimate PAK... do they?
prefix distinction missing, or sonrthing?
you will never say Afghan
when stating Afghanistan, will you?
YOU WILL STATE: AFGHANISTANI...

curiously defect, curiously: WEAK PAKIs...
term red: red...
    you might asd well recite:
Bengali... Bengal (people)
when citing: Bangladesh...
why...  add Bangladeshi... is there a suffic
-stan to be invoked...
lazily... ****... because i don't feel like
expressing the fuller: -stani!
savvy? no... with these people there is no
******* "savvy"...

there's either a foot in the face,
or there's a... shove their face in my aas
and take a sniff...
your skin colour almost resembles the hue
of the **** i **** out...
how's that?!

it takes two to tango... how's this tango?
******* whiplash... you sorted,
the proper imam squidgy plush?

sensitive little creatures...
can **** little white girls...
but can't stand being called a ****-,
note the hyphen, so it denotes
a prefix...
what a load of insensible little people
that will crowd the earth with
their little ideas...
what a glorified reinvention
of the gods... some of us must have become
too smart for the gods to jest...
i have to see it that way...
the dodo project...
wee became too smart,
too individualistic...
no one, except me:
invited the existence of the demigod Solipsism:
Sisyphus... Solipssus...
except me...
       no, this art, this architecture...
my own doesn't exactly matter, why should
i leverage a back-log of paintings/ ideas?!
let it burn, let it burn!
let's revise... we need to revise...
we've become too complacent...
to begin with...
i think it's necessary, mind you...
all the white girls are expecting a ***** flick of
itemizing phallus sizes...
if they're not... probably *****... or ignored...
thirdly: i stopped caring...
do i, own her? do i, pay for her?
well, none of the stressed above...
she sees chocolate whenever and however she pleases...
why bother?

the lowest in the IQ spectrum will inherit the earth...
let them! i don't mind...
to hell with high IQ people...
listen, your work is done...
there's  no need to continue the agony...
let the people who can best be cloned endure...
let people who enjoy *** the most: endure...
let people be their own sort of people...
personally, i don't want to be part of this
sack of swinging *******...
do i care that Europe will become
a Reconquista 2.0 Project... eh... no...
**** it... let the idiots reproduce...
i'm sort of going to appreciate their universal
suffering... it always comes...
regardless of their shelf-life /
shelf-alloction... suffering is almost a pre-condition
of the human experiences....
funny, though... it will be made easier
knowing that some categorical synonym
is missing...
all the better... like all the better for me, now...
that i should be deemed undesirable
by them and my own elites...

my hands are open... my heart is freed...
such lesser creatures require such lesser concerns
that only enable them to preserve:
preserving themselves...
hardly any original idea / narrative will ever
be allowed to be shared by them...
i thank myself: for not having
to agonise my children with a lack of
the said above...
thank god, i was smart enough to not
replicate mistakes...
my mistakes are my own...
they will never belong to my child...

grace, by the gratefulness to be:
alone, and only alone to
replicate: its comfortability...
                  my heart: that i allow to sink...
when dropped into a mirror
of a lake...
oh! the splendour! rich or poor,
near or far apart!
what measure, that equates them
as equal "apart"...
          my "little" Hebrew deity of measure...
blind me: i will still see more clearly!
Eshwara Prasad Nov 2023
The screen is me, the actor is me, and the viewer is me. I'm aware.

Why then do we fuss and agonise?

When within our very selves, the drama played lies?
Kupapa Jun 2023
I close my beautiful red and yellow eyes
and imagine a world that god denies
where stars that burst into a million fireflies
when you touch their implacable lies
forever entangled in the darkness of skies

maybe my raft can survive the silver seas
as the water shiver in the snow breeze
as the snowflakes embraces me with ease
beaconing for my restless heart to freeze
forever mercilessly deaf to all my please

For my love waits for me in the ruby shore
smiling as the ruby shards pierce her more
her soulless dark eyes is something I adore
the wind carries her whisper towards my core
forever singing purple melodies like never before

my raft breaks apart  just for me to agonise
I see my tired reflection in the water that lies
forever horrified at what the image implies
I close my beautiful red and yellow eyes
and imagine a world that god denies
Dada Olowo Eyo Apr 2019
If you craved it long enough,
To live, breath and constantly agonise,
Even the constellations soon realise,
Reversing a bad situation is not that tough.
Dr Peter Lim Dec 2018
But we live
in the mundane
doing the simplest tasks
is the ineluctable grain--

life is liveable in waking hours
as long as there isn't too much to complain
we wake, we labour, we love, we hope
the same routine greets us again and again-

why visit or converse with the philosopher
would there be any gain?
we would be blinded in the maze
and perhaps agonise in existential pain

rather we should in gladness abide
let our language be  gentle and plain
when gratitude and simple joys abound
life's music comforts in cheerful train.
Dianali Feb 2021
I write, I think, I write,
I agonise with the idea of my thoughts being heard,
I write again,
I let go.
Dr Peter Lim Mar 2021
That chair verily

doesn't fit me

it's over-sized

it would agonise!

— The End —