I’ve never sat so close to a flame
and felt less heat than its shadow implies
I’ve never felt such fullness in emptiness
I didn’t need a new scar to help me realize

You are a mirage
an oasis bleeding crystal clear water
sparkling in the distance of my desert
but I see you disappear

Cut too close and I watch you vanish
Pacing back and forth to try to find the line
Where do you go?
All I know is that you do.

how tired would you be  
if you were expected to shrink
small enough  
to fit into the idea of a "you"
that you didn't choose?

I don't want it
and if judgment and you
go hand in hand
I don't want you too

it's exhausting always wondering  
if I'm wasting my breath
if my love has an end
if I'll ever decide
that I've had enough

It hurts my heart more to wonder
if I could be happier still
if I just let my guard down
so I have (and always will)

it's exhausting always wondering
if I'm wasting my energy
if I'll keep over-explaining parts of me
when no one's really listening

but I don't think I need you
all I need is to see  
what keeps this cat alive  
is the curiosity  

I just have to know the ending
I'm on the edge of my seat
but don't mistake my desperation
I'm not afraid to leave

a bitter blade's first cut
will never be its last
a self-fulfilling prophecy
an echo of the past

its song still makes me sing
a whisper hardly missed
remembering the harmonies
retaining my clenched fists

there are too many broken strings
to play another song
still the music swells inside my walls
it's not a question to play along

I'd be more afraid if the music stopped
what if I forget all the words?
memories deafened through roaring silence
unsure of melodies I'd misheard

I still hear its hum inside my head
as hard as I try to forget
a question of whether it's now or forever
undoubted, hard-earned regret

It's funny that life likes to fall apart  

all at once  

like it's tired of itself just as much  


like it's exhaling for the first time  

a deep breath held in  

sweeping you away in the howl of its wind  


It's funny that when we fall apart  

we try so hard to hang onto the seams  

we tend to tear a deeper ****  

still feigning shock when we bleed  


It's funny how life likes to fall apart  

all at once  

like it's its way of having fun  


like for every "why me?"  

it has to kick you in the *** a little harder  

noting that time only asked to exist as much as you did

I am too tired
to try and take my pain
and wrap it in pretty words
to make it sound like
it deserves to be romantic
and mysterious or
like it's a part of me
more than I want it to be

I just want it to stop.

memories feathered at the edges
I chase your shadow as you tease
"too slow!" (and I already know)
dry leaves touched by a gentle breeze

I let myself rest and fall into your empty
wading through in search of your depth
swimming in circles, I let your waves carry me.
I sunk into your shallow as it’s all that was left.

you are a quiet chaos that I invite
a whisper in my ear when I'm trying to sleep
the jolt awake before I hit the pavement
but I always knew that you were just a dream

I awoke in a forest
fog whispered through the trees
too thick to cut through
I brushed off the leaves

I tried to guess what time it was
it felt like dusk,
but my heart shouted "dawn!"
So I watched the sun to see
        where
          she
           went

She hung in the sky
just out of my reach
it felt like a minute
it felt like a week

Static and cold
while showing me warmth
                             "I don't believe you"
she retorts, "You don't need to"

It felt like nothing
and that's what burned

It hurts to think about it.
It hurts to think about someday in the distant future,
he may dismiss our love as untrue.
He may tell another girl that he thought he knew what love is
but he never knew until he met her.
And maybe it will simply be a line,
but maybe it will be truth that his soul aches to say
and he will no longer think of me.

His I love you's will be built on the thoughts of someone else
and how her eyes look in the sunlight
and how her hair falls to her shoulder
and how she breathes his name into the air in the bed that they share.

It hurts to think about the future.
It hurts to think about where I may be when he's lying next to her,
tracing his fingertips across her palms
and brushing hair off of her face before he kisses her goodnight.

And we will simply be experiences and stories to keep locked away
in our memories that are never to be spoken of or reminisced.
We'll be letters that we wrote for each other
and art on our walls and knick-knacks on shelves,
all enveloped by dust and faded emotions.

And he may hear my favorite song in twenty years
and I hope he chooses to remember the good
and I promise to try not to be bitter.
And when I run into him in twenty years and he speaks of his success,
I will smile for his happiness even if it is not me.
It only hurts to think about it.

Why are there gates into Heaven if it's never too late to be forgiven?
Can we not just fall to our knees and beg for mercy there at the entrance?
I just don't see the God that you preach as someone to say "too late".
I can't see how he can stand to watch his children burn in Hell.
For Heaven's sake.

I don't understand
how a man
with so much virtue and honor,
can be someone
who allows his children
to be accepted as goners.