ahhhhhhhh
make it stop

the loneliness
and grief

another shot, at the bottom of a bottle, drunken words hurdled, to your only love, ripping through my emotional flesh, lodging in my psyche, festering away my ego, too afraid to walk away, with more tears to cry, i am dying to be loved.

you dropped my hand, walked away, never said a word, heartless, ghosted, in a land of the living, as a rising sun, in a cloudless sky, dried my soul, barren, without child, aged out of hope, forlorn, the bus never stops, tears streak down my cheeks, i scream and shout, in an empty bed.

once
there was hope
now
there is none

forgotten
are the dreams
lost
what might have been

i live
but die
a thousand
deaths

where is
the happiness
the one
you promised

what did
i do
why did
you leave

you were
my sun
you were
my reason

what sin
was committed
you banished
abandoned
me
into the cold

how
do i live
with this
agony

the most emotionally abusive relationship i was ever in, was with
MYSELF

i wanted and was denied
i spoke and was silenced
i loved and was hated
i raged and was punished
i forgave and was liberated

you ache
for the touch
of a man
desperate
afraid
of growing old
dying alone

i became an addict to forget
numb the pain
and silence their screams

you’re a bag
a bent

a mind bending
addiction

i can’t stop
resist
or shake

i crave
hurt
need more

when spun
smokin rain
craving you

when you touch me
ever so slightly

fingers caressing
lingering

I ache
to the core

for slow kisses
brightly colored skittles
and marshmallow bunnies

you make me wet
crazy

thizzing
on X

i can’t get enough
of you

I fear you, because I need you, to live, to cope, to feel good about continuing, and not slip into depression, it is a fools’s game pursuing a mirage, but how i do stop when the consequences are so high, the reality too hard, the pain so intolerable.

I am an addict, I’ve tried to pull back, run away, i get so far and succumb to the dark, the loneliness, the excruciating mental pain, curling up in a ball, sobbing, under the covers of my bed.

I need you so badly, i can’t live without you, what do i do, codependent, in this abusive freakish relationship, i need to leave or i will die, letting myself be killed, slowly, undeniably, who will rescue, save me, there are no saviors, no rescuers, nobody who cares.

i hurt so intensely, I would do anything for you, i love when i take you, dulling my senses, lulling me into serenity, peace and contentment, sleeping deeply, feeling safe in Morepheus’s arms, I am released, given a reprieve from all my fears and anxieties, at last carefree and happy, all by taking a pill into oblivion.

i don't want to sleep
afraid of dreams
that i'll wake
living a nightmare
of a life
i fear

how do i blind my mind’s eye
from the horrors that i see
quiet the screams
of the dying in my ears
that i tremble with rage and fear
at what is about to come

alone together, weathering the same storm, all on different ships, large and small, some luxurious, some poor, hoping, praying for salvation not annihilation.

all and everything burns around us
a wall of flames consuming the world
a personal hell projected into reality
a final reckoning for our collective sins
none are absolved not even the innocent
an angel’s dream the beginning of the end
overwhelmed wrung out by the quotidian
too tired to fight too tired to care
we lay down and wait our turn to die

it's all been said
been written
expressed
how many ways

why bother
to write
re-hash
the obvious  

what can you say
that those before
haven’t

how many ways
can you whisper
your agonies

your touch
slow gentle tender
soothes
chases away
my fears worries anxieties
i am safe
to sleep
dream
love
give myself
to you

angry is the sun burning the sky
baking and pummeling all that is living
to cry or pray to a god who doesn’t listen
i fear we’ve been forgotten and forsaken
we see it now the apocalypse
we can no longer hide or run
i have made peace with what is about to come

i’ve grown cold, hateful, and bitter
from too many romantic failures
lost hope in happy endings
as i fall asleep sobbing and wake up crying
wishing it had been a nightmare instead of reality

you were so young, it was so wrong, we went too far
newly bloomed, fully flowering, once a girl, now a woman
a mutual attraction, too strong to ignore
a subtle seduction, of a man, just moments a boy
who seduced whom, who crossed the line
i couldn’t help it, i was mesmerized,
by the whispers of your blue eyes
your pouty lips, deliciously wet, glistening red
dangers foretold by a warning sign
i resisted, as much as i could
i lost my senses, to my youth, and your beauty
i was drawn to the flame, like a moth
i was captured like a butterfly, in the spider’s web
how could i escape, when the siren calls

addiction
is a symptom
not the cause

i saw her
from across the room
wrote her script
from start to finish
which she never read
or auditioned

i never approached
instead
walked away
afraid
of rejection

more comfortable
in isolation
and loneliness
but craving
her attention

rehearsing tragedy
sucker punched
by reality
wanting change
from living in pain

afraid to live
scared to die
all i want to do
is cry

05-09
emerald fire
are you mine
the ultimate prize
or merely bait
cauldron boils
a chalice of wine
black mirror scrying
half day, half night
autumn equinox
fall is here
light the hearth
hold me tight

a windless summer eve
a golden sun sets to sleep
leaves fall from the trees
a love story lost in memories
your lips no longer mine to kiss

you’ve been bad 05-09
get my belt
so i can teach you
some manners

stand before me
turn around
lift your skirt
pull those ******* down

across my lap
your bottom in the air
your skin so white so soft
as i smack my hand
down hard
you yell in pain
and surprise
then start to cry

hush up child
get up
on your knees
look up at me
naughty girl

don’t talk back
when daddy talks
now to your room
without supper

don’t be afraid
child
you’re young
the best is yet to come

how bittersweet it is
knowing from the first kiss
one day you’ll leave

under a black sun
death came

bodies hang
from dule trees

a tragedy
of commons

each is guilt
all will die

maggots feast
none will cry

i want things to be clear
i want them to be black or white
but to my dismay
all things are gray

what does it all mean
this blank canvas you gave me
what do i do
with these paints and brushes
with no instructions or directions

we are the lucky ones
sipping margaritas
lightning in the sky
death reflected back
in your eyes
blood mixing with tears
mother’s milk on my lips
who is the master
are you willing to follow
what is the safe word
stinging lashes
are you feeling the pleasure
losing yourself in the agony
night is coming
are you really ready.

love letters
and
blue roses
truth is fatal
so are lies


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_rose

****** if i do or don’t
you ****** with my head and heart
you’re BPD, fear-avoidant, and don’t even know it
you’re hormonal, emotional
feelings whipsawing all over the place
i’m tired, exhausted, depleted
i’m sad it ended this way
but i had to walk away
to maintain my sanity

Shut up and accept your fate
Quit whining about your lot in life
You were dealt the hand, now play it
Bluff or fold, make a choice or it makes you
There is nothing you can do to change the fact
You were born this way

you see it coming
but can do nothing
but rage and cry
get on your knees
praying to Him
as He slowly
lets you die

you are
the bright star
in a dark sky
guiding me

to you

a broken heart
the first of many

a broken heart
one of many

a broken heart
another of many

a broken heart
the last of many

i am a broken thing
a misfit in a lost land
having yet whispered
the secrets in my heart

kissing during gloaming
I cried through out vespers
knowing, soon
it would be
the dominion of the moon

i awoke, for no particular reason, sensing something was wrong, my lover was not in my in arms nor in bed. i sat up, looked around for her shadow or silhouette, neither of which i found.

i got out of bed, walked the chambers and hall, to no avail, she was not  here. “where would she go, in the dead of night,” i thought to myself, “and why.” i walked to the terrace, into the moonlight, felt the cool of the night, the slightness of a breeze. i looked out across the terrain to the horizon, all was still, only the crickets chirped unaware.

i strained to see, to hear, anything, for a clue to where she was. in despair, i turned and walked back into the chamber, when i heard a fading echo. i spun around, trying to hear more of the sound, to get a bearing, a direction which to follow.

i heard it again, low, far away, faded from the distance, a woman’s voice, crying, pleading for help. i jumped from the terrace to the ground, running in the direction of her voice. i ran, faster and faster, my heart pumping hard, till i could hear my blood pulsing in my ears.

i jumped a stream, into the forest, dark, damp and cold from the night air. the voice grew louder, her pleads more desperate, i could hear the terror in her screams. i ran oblivious to the branches tearing, ripping at my flesh, or the rocks and stone against my feet.

i started to recognize the landscape, the direction i was headed. i was going to a cave, that ***** gentle into the earth, giving the appearance of an amphitheater. i ran into a clearing, to the entrance of the cave, looked down, and saw her, curled up, fetal position, in the middle of the cave, laying on ground, naked.

i hurried down the entrance, to the floor of the cave, where the moonlight started to disappear. i approached her slowly, she did not move, i was afraid, she was dead. i got closer to her, when out of the dark, i saw glowing eyes, heard a growl. i stopped to assess, trying to understand what i was up against.

it stepped out of the dark, into the faded light. it was a wolf, a black wolf, walking towards her, until atop of her, growling, snarling, gnashing its teeth at me. i stopped in my tracks, not knowing how or what to do. i was unarmed, partially naked, barefoot, looking at a huge black wolf that could, would tear me to apart.

my chest heaved, back and forth from from running and now fear. i looked at the black wolf, our eyes met, i could feel, see the viciousness of this apex predator, sensing it strength and power. the black wolf, stopped snarling, stared back at me, his expression softening to indifference.

“was the wolf realizing who i was,” i thought to myself, “that i am here to rescue, save the woman that i love.” the black wolf lowered his head, until his snout touched her shoulder, licking her, as if cleaning a pup, then popped his head back up, meeting my gaze again, and what felt like an eternity, started backing up into the darkness, till he was gone.

i rushed to her side, cradled her in my arms, looking, feeling for signs of life. i felt her shudder, saw her breathing, her eyes remained closed. i moved her hair from her face, kissing her lips softly, tears streaming down my face. i picked her up, and carried her out of the cave of the black wolf.

no safe word
or fail safe
just trust
love and lust
collared
and chained
you love to obey
on your knees
crawl to me
beg
maybe
i'll unleash you
slave girl

when the pain is greater than the fear
is when you’ll decide to change

i love you so much
it hurts
chère reine (sharon)

qu'est que tu cherches chérie       what are you searching my love
qu'est que tu désires                      what is it you desire
dis moi tes secrets                          tell me your secrets
laisse ton coeur s'ouvrir                let your heart open
comme une fleur pour moi           like a flower for me

i’ve seen that look many times before
in their eyes, fear, suspicion, of a soul that has died
disassociated, numb, to avoid the pain of what they seen
when pushed, triggered to ****, going berserk with a machete
i am afraid of you, for what you have done and will do
but i am also sad and heartbroken for has happen to you
child soldier of sudan’s janjaweed

I want to spread melted chocolate across your lips and gently kiss it off kiss by kiss as you moan and sigh

I want to pour warm cream on your ******* and **** on them till you beg for me to stop.

I want to drizzle honey on your ***** and slowly lick it off, inch by inch, as you whimper and shudder with pleasure.

when the mind goes blind
the heart grows cold
souls extinguish
a child turns
you are called
by no one there
a flower wilts
a baby cries
how does it feel
knowing
you are dying

crack
*******
is nothing
compared
to your
kisses

on a cold day, quickly turning into night, i labored in the forest, splitting logs for fire, to sustain me through the long winter nights.

looking at the sun, setting, on the horizon, i'd  have just enough light to make it back to my cabin. i cleaned my ax, started walking, into the cold dark forest, to my little cabin.

i'd stopped working, my body cooled, the cold seeped in, touching my skin, making me shiver, wishing for warmth of a long ago summer.

i walked, in silence, i never felt so alone, no sun in the sky, no singing birds, just a lifeless boreal forest in the cold of winter.

i felt forgotten, abandoned, buried in the earth, an emotional pain so intense, so deep, it makes grown men cry.

reaching the end of days, no family, no friends, eeking out a senseless existence, not knowing why, too old to work, too young to die, i plod along.

reaching my cabin as the night consumed the sky, the loneliness of winter overwhelmed me, enveloping my body, worse my mind, in the nihilism of why.

tears start to flow, as i opened the door, i wept then cried, as i entered the house, cold and dark, an echo of my life, no fire in the hearth, no food on the table, no wife to hold in my arms, to warm my body, my heart.

i light a fire, then my pipe, pour a glass, and sit in my chair, in front of the fire, staring into the flames, alive with warmth, my only companion, the only reason, i am still alive.

there is a coldness
on the summer wind

a sad
loneliness

of a bygone
spring

night falls, winter is here, a cold wind blows, around me like a dervish, through me, enveloping me, stinging my eyes, drying out my soul

what is left but for me to die, to lay down, close my eyes, have one last dream before the end, the blackness swallowing me, the candle flickers, then dies, like my life, releasing my soul into the bluing sky

no regrets, just faded memories, of halcyon days, when i would look forward to spring, my eyes resting upon women, dancing, and laughing carefree

those days are far gone, my body aches, my mind tires, i am ready for the end, as beautiful as life was, the sweetness of honey on my tongue

the book has been read, the cover has been closed, I place it on the table, and close my eyes

i don't understand
i had all the answers

i grew up

now it's all complicated
and gray