24-march-1981
Hey sweetheart, it's been a while and I know you are depressed,
Sometimes it takes some time before you can move on and forget.
I wish I could've been there for you but that's not my only regret,
How is our little girl, do you still sing to her like I did,
Before you put her to bed ?.
I've been busy lately, there's just so much goin' on inside my head,
It's been so hard and I've been so stressed lately that sometimes--
I even forget to take a breath.
The time is ugly and I miss your pretty face whenever anger begins to swell,
Last night I tried to take my life, climbed over a chair and put on a belt,
But somehow I don't know how, it didn't work out when I fell
And I am sorry, I wouldn't do it again, I don't ever wanna feel,
How at that moment I felt.
I am sorry I left you guys alone, but know this that I'll never leave you,
I know it's been a ride but yesterday I had a dream and we did pull through,
You wore the black dress you wanted but I didn't have the money to buy,
I am sorry I couldn't get you things, I always hate myself for being that guy,
We are good people, don't you think ?
God doesn't answer our prayers no more and I don't know why,
I pray to him everyday, I want to buy you guys the world before I die.
Oh, it's about time already, I have to leave, see you soon, loads of love.
Good-bye.
3-april-1981
I got your letter yesterday, you sound better then you did a month before,
I hope you are doin' fine, I don't want you to get in trouble no more.
I don't want to speak about your suicide attempt, I have no words in store,
I hope you never think of it again, get those thoughts out of your core,
If not for me, for our daughter at least, I know you won't, I am sure,
Remember we have no one else but you, don't lock away our only Door.
Our little girl is growing way too fast, you should see her before she does,
She doesn't wants me to sing to her, she wants you,
So I don't sing to her anymore.
It's gettin' hard to pay the bills, it kills me to ask you,
But when are you sending the money, winter is around the corner--
And it's getting cold.
They say the winter is going to be the coldest in a decade,
I saw it yesterday on the news report.
I am saving some money, will buy our princess a new coat.
Don't you feel down, we love you with all our heart,
I miss you so much, I miss the way you could make me laugh.
Money is never important, but I guess we have nothing else either,
I still need some time to forgive you and forget what you did,
I don't sleep in our room no more, I still imagine you inside her.
But I guess I don't hate you anymore, I understand mistakes happen,
And out of 'em all, you deserve a second chance more than anyone else,
You were always and always will be a fighter,
I trust you with our lives, they say in darkness even a spark looks so brighter,
I know it's been a ride but we just have to sit it out and hold each other a little bit tighter,
So, I'll wait for your letter, take care of yourself,
I hope things will change now for the better.
17-june-1981
Things are getting bad over here, they are cutting men off,
I don't know if I'm going to be the next, so I am putting in more hours,
I don't know when it's all gonna' stop.
Sometimes I don't sleep all night, I just go out and walk,
It's good here in the city ya' know, every one minds their own business and nobody comes over to have a talk.
I went to a seminar yesterday, it was good ya' know,
The man on the stage told us we should be happy with what we've got
And then there were people crying about the loved ones they have lost,
It got me thinking, what a fool I am, I have you guys and that means alot,
Nothing would mean anything to me if I don't have you guys,
I just want you to know how much I love you guys and want to be with you no matter what the cost.
By the way I sent some money, I hope it would pay all the bills,
If some gets left over, I want you to buy something for yourself, promise me you will.
I know I hurt you so much and the scars need some time to fill,
But you know I love you and I know you love me still.
I don't wanna talk about it today, it makes me feel so sad,
Past couple of days were no good either, i guess I'm going mad,
I never knew things will turn out this way and the time will get this bad,
All I can do is dream about the good times we could have had.
Life is slipping away and every day we are getting old,
Why don't we learn about how much life *****, why is that we are never told.
I don't want rest of my life runnin' around and chasin' gold.
I want to come home and kiss you when I want, touch you and hold,
I hope it gets better after we die, I hope we have a soul,
This world is ******' trash and it swallows everything like a black-hole,
It takes away a father from his daughter, and husband away from his wife,
Dumps you in a ******' garbage land and expects you to survive,
God, it's been so long and all I want is to feel alive,
I am goin' out for a walk, I don't want to make you more sad, kisses to our princess, good-night.
26-june -1981
It's okay to be sad, it's okay to feel hurt and pain,
But it's not okay to just cry about it and complain,
Who are you so angry on, who else should be a part of our blame ?
Tell me, I need a name!.
Life is no fairytale, I have learned to accept it and now I am awake,
I hope you do too, before the lights go out and you have nowhere else to run,
You give up so easily, why do you think everyone else is havin' fun ?
Natalie lost her child a few weeks back, Stan lost his home,
We have both, don't we ? why do you think we are on our own ?
I get it, sometimes all this misery can make you feel alone,
But that doesn't mean you should give up everything and mourn,
C'MON don't give up now, remember when our daughter was born ?
They said she wouldn't make it, but she did, she didn't give up and neither will you for our home.
I know it will get better, most of all, you deserve it more than anyone else,
Even when the goin' got tough, you never once asked for help,
And I am proud of you, as I should be, and you should be too for yourself,
Like every other time, we only get stronger, after all the stuff we have dealt,
I admit, it feels like we're in a ******' hell,
Fate is not in our hands, but we can do our part and give all we have, it will make a difference I promise, someday we might hear them bells.
I don't have anything else to say, I hope you write back soon,
When you take a walk tonight look at the moon, I'll be looking too.
12-November-1998
Hey Tim, I know we are getting married in a month but I still miss you so so much,
Wish you were her with me tonight, so I could kiss and touch.
But that's not why I am writing you this letter to make myself feel better.
I wanted to tell you about how I feel about it all,
Do you remember that painting I put on the wall ?
I made it when I was six, it was getting colder and it was in midst of fall.
Dad had gone away and mom and me were struggling to survive,
I was crazy too, not a day went by when I didn't pull of a tantrum and fight.
I wanted dad to sing to me every night, see his face before switching off the lights.
I didn't like mom that much, she always scolded me no matter what I did,
But i guess i didn't understand then, i was just a kid.
It was hard when I was growing up, sometimes we had a place and no food,
Other times we had food but no place of ours and trust me that wasn't cool.
I was always the odd one out and everyone made fun of me at school,
I hated my parents for that--
Oh, I was such a fool.
Dad worked night and day just so we could have food on the table every night,
Both my parents never got through high school, and got married when mom got pregnant and was thrown outside--
Of her home inspite of the fact she was the only child.
My dad left his home to support my mom against the wishes of his family,
They were so happy when I was born, they never treated me like a tragedy,
No matter how tough the times got, how low they got, they gave all they could to me happily,
They held me close and away from the gloomy reality.
I still remember how those years went by, for me it was just a blink of an eye
But to them it was a lifetime of hardship and pain,
But you know what they tell me ?
They would happily do it all over again.
They worked hard, both of them and things did change,
But you know what, they still remain the same,
Inspite of how far they have come and what they have achieved,
When it was too easy for them to leave, they stayed together,
Held my little hands and sheltered me no matter how bad was the weather,
I was all they cared about, nothing else never did matter,
They saved every penny for me, even though my dad had so many chances but he never left her.
You must be wondering why I am telling you all this now,
But today I found some old letters, in a box in the attic, now I understand so much better,
It made me sad for a while, but I guess it was a part of our life,
It made us who we are today, I wouldn't want it any other way either,
I don't know what to call it, but I know it makes me feel loved, crazy isn't it ?
To know how far they have come, and how their hard worked payed off,
It almost makes me want to believe in god but I don't have to,
That will only make my parents struggle look less inspiring, god didn't pull us through.
They did, and I owe my every breath to them,
I don't know what made me hold a pen, but I don't want them to know I found those letters,
So I am confessing all of this to you,
I will show them to you one day, when things get tough, maybe that'll help us to find our way,
For it made me realize one thing and one thing only,
Love stays red even if the world moves on to shades of grey,
I guess it all makes sense now, it's such a beautiful day.
Notes (optional)