my heart’s always on the edge
like it’s standing on a thin wire,
waiting for the wind to shift.

always anxious ‘bout what’s next:
what tomorrow holds,
what people’s lips might tell,
how they would feel
and what faces they would make.

it trembles over everything
and just about anything,
my heart’s always on the edge,
...but maybe it's just the way it beats.

Life is but a drudging misery
So dreary and bleak
For once I just want to feel
Anything…

I am stuck in a spiderless web
Wriggling and writhing
Tangled up and feeling
Hopeless…

My cries for help
Fall on deaf ears
I just want to be told
I matter…

Death is but a sweet kiss
From an eternal loved one
Maybe when I am gone
They will miss me…

My root country hits number 1 in poverty
My adopted land feeds on misogyny
I worry -
Will anyone ever fancy me?

Emitting excessive carbon dioxide
We overhear yet choose to hide
Can’t utter the word genocide.

I’m terrified.
Never mind the political divide
I'm just spiralling - my job's rather boring and public speaking is frightening.

Also, the US’s worryingly embarrassing
Ukraine can’t seem to win and Yemen’s endlessly starving
It’s wildly concerning -
the acne growing on my skin.

As for my third country, we defy regularly
the French are praised for protesting
‘Collective dispute for systemic integrity.’

It all sounds empowering -
but I gained 10 kilos and it’s dismorphing.

Voice cracks,
When I feel overwhelmed.
Like a mental attack,
With no hope to defend myself.

Voice cracks,
When I feel nervous,
Because I have a presentation,
And I can’t seem to speak,
And my words slur.

If I were lying on my deathbed,
I ponder,
Would I remember,
When I wondered,
If I would remember,
When I was younger,
And my voice cracked?

Voice cracks,
When I feel anxious,
Wondering if I’m worth it.
Since it feels like I misuse the gifts I’m given.

Voice cracks,
When I feel passionate,
Doesn’t happen often,
But when it does, I struggle to let go.
Even when it hurts my soul,
And I wonder why I didn’t let go.

If I were lying on my deathbed,
Would this matter?
Would I regret,
Not making sure that it mattered?
Would I pray for a chance to turn back the clock,
Back to the days, when all of my worrying came,
From whether or not my voice cracks?

Voice cracks,
When I feel overwhelmed,
And I wonder,
Why do I do this to myself?
My biggest critic,
My greatest asset,
My only friend who’s guaranteed to me till the end.

Voice cracks,
When things just seem a bit too much,
And I want to hide away,
To return another day.

If I were lying on my deathbed,
Would I be satisfied,
That I lived my life,
Instead of watching it pass by?
Though people came and went,
Faces and names smudged by time.
Did I do what I wanted to do?
Or did I disappoint you?
It wouldn’t matter then.
I think I’d find,
Myself longing to go back,
To the times,
Where all I had to worry about,
Were my voice cracks.

A hive lives in my mind
Shows up in strange thoughts I find
A swarm of opinions from out there
It forms a crowd in my head

It’s loud and persistent
Terribly rude and insistent
Forces me to open my ears
Makes me do what it shares

It drowns out my voice
Fills my noggin with noise
I can’t outtalk its screams
I’m stuck listening it seems

Shame follows my every step
As it recites words of regret
This hive I can’t escape
It’s become my unsafe space

Book smart with no common sense,
Genius with physical labor absent.
Can’t remember strenuous actions since,
Well…I guess there hasn’t been much of it.
They say brains and brawn are a good mix,
But what if you just have one or the other?
Pure brawn is overrated,
But I wouldn’t mind having them both together.
I can remember the lore of Star Wars,
But I couldn’t tell you how to change a tire.
Algebra two’s not that intense,
However, driving just makes me stressed and tired.
Isn’t it ironic that one can have straight A’s,
Yet, feel so incompetent?
Peers far surpass me,
And overlap me,
Still got to expand my toolkit,
And the trial and error that comes with it.
Book smart with no common sense,
But I could give you your change along with all your cents.
There’s a pressing question I need to overcome.
In the real world, is book smarts enough?
In the real world, will I function?
In the real world…can I overcome?

Words written into a letter
that I know you won't read
messages left unread
and I can't help but wonder if you've already left
Questions that become drawings upon my skin
the ink already stinging, drying
I've become the target in my mind, a thing to hit
Striking home, staying at home crying
Holding myself because you're so far away
but still I know you like a stranger, no matter what you say
Closer than I'd let,
closer than i'd imagined
just one year becomes life
and I have to let you go
I wonder what's holding you back
Is it all of the stories, to take you away from this world
Evil, evil world, with it's shadows
convincing you not to eat, less you get sick and hurl
yourself into oblivion, to not be awake
One last thing before you take

You cry in the corners of the world, because the spotlight will blind your eyes if you were to step out
You cry in the darkness of your mind, because outside you know nothing else but to hold a smile
You cry in front of the lord, because he is the only one you'll let see your pain
What has this world done to you? What have you done to be destroyed?
How can you still be standing by the time the sun sets, by the time of dusk?
You cry among the stars, and you’ll only cry during storms
So then your tears would be hidden among those of the god

Would it be such a bad thing to fall just once?
Thoughts flood, and some are screaming loud
Others will be missed, leaving without a sound
Holding your hands up to the sky, to catch the rain as it falls
And for once, I think you'll sit in silence with me.
But you never made the call

If only
I could grasp the darkness behind their eyes
And thread them in between the stars
Of the newborn sky