She loves control.
At least that’s what she tells herself
laying in bed at night alone.
In reality she loves being able to hold all of the cards
and not having to give up a single one
only to have it returned bent or torn.

She’s figured out a way to be kind, and caring
without truly letting anyone in,
and without having to sacrifice her already fragile mental state.
Instead of brick walls shielding her from everyone,
she stands behind prison bars.
People can see her,
but they can’t get in.

while this may have been a safe haven
it quickly turned sour.
Like Icarus,
drunk on power
and too close to the sun,
what was once a place to heal
Quickly turned into a place that kept her isolated from everyone.

While she thought she loved control
She realized she loved invulnerability.
The lack of vulnerability kept her in isolation
and in this cell of loneliness
all she longed for was a love to call her own.
Trapped in an ongoing circle
of fear,
isolation,
vulnerability,
and pain,
she couldn’t find out
how to work love or companionship into the equation.

Having been burned to many times
and plummeting back down to earth
she feared the wax wings
that would allow her to soar.
She wasn’t afraid of falling,
she was afraid of the impact;
the pain that comes with love.

Poor Cupid,
with all of his arrows destined to pierce her skin
only to be ricocheted off of the metal bars surrounding her heart.
Her hope lay in an imaginative figure
smart enough to break the lock
or find his way through the bars
as she couldn’t see herself
finding a way out anymore.

She longs for skin touching skin
both ****** and freeing
as well as comforting and warm.
She longs for intimacy and freedom,
while maintaining independence and a sense of self.
She wants the courage it takes to be vulnerable,
because she is scared to be lonely,
and even more scared to be “his”.

Being Vulnerable does not come easily to Me!
To be heard and felt, to hear and feel felt like emotions with no meaning,
Then you sailed through and entered my space and saw things which I had not been able to place,
on the very landscape of my heart and soul, and you drilled a hole,
On the fabric of my life- spread and somehow, I experienced “wholeness” once more!
I became someone who feels and expresses and is not afraid to take chances,
This is a person whom I used to know, the original Me and Myself,
I gradually started to break promises I made to myself,
of not being vulnerable, emotional or open to any feelings,
I don’t want to hide behind this façade anymore,
Longing to feel the sun burning my skin once more,
I'm glad you exist, even if it’s on a different plane,
For through our interactions every time, there is so much I gain,
Pain is not what I have feared, it’s the explosion of joy that I don’t know how to handle,
Guess what? being vulnerable still does not come naturally to Me
Its only when I look into your eyes, which reflect the expectation of pain back to me,
Even though we are both smiling at eachother in this moment now,
For you and I are overlapping spaces, torn and ravaged blue
and for both of us, it is our very own Vulnerabilities which binds us like glue!

To take that step
You bare your soul
Ready for rejection
Vulnerability taking hold

To take that step
You steel yourself
Ready for acceptance
Love thyself

To take that step
You make a transition
Acceptance, rejection
What’s the decision

But to not to take that step
To not be vulnerable
Keeps you safe
Leaves you comfortable

To not take the step
A life stagnates
Lack of fulfilment
Stalemate

a part of me,
the part that's good at biting its tongue,
wants these wounds to
bleed silently

but, I choose to live
a life clothed in white cloth
and let the stains scream louder
than the one trapped in my throat.

they adorn my body
with the stories of my
creation, a divine *******
clung upon my skin.

I have no bluff
no cards up my sleeve.
I only hope that in brazen openness
they will pity me.

flowers bloom
and beguile the hungry bees
to come and taste,
lest their stories die with them.

so too,
I stand here draped in bloodied white
praying to God that someone
will find something worthy.

I want to be as vulnerable as I can around you.
I’m trying my hardest.
I really am.
I cry because I’m scared.
Scared that you will hurt me.
Scared that you are just using me even after you told me you are not.
I love you I really do.
But it is so scary trying to be vulnerable when you have been vulnerable with others and they just use it against you.
They hurt you.
You promised that you would never hurt me but I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I want to believe you.
Trust you.
Love you.
I want to be vulnerable with you but I am scared not only of you but of myself.
Scared that you will leave me because I push you away.
Scared that you will use this vulnerability against me.
Scared that I’m gonna hurt you.
I don’t know what I’m doing in this confusing relationship.
But I’m trying my hardest to be vulnerable with you.
I want you to see the parts of me no one else sees.
I want to trust you.
Love you.
Believe you.
I want to be vulnerable with you and I want you to be able to be vulnerable with me.
But please promise me you won’t use it against me.
That you won’t hurt me.
I love you and I trust you.
So please don’t break my heart and use my vulnerability against me.