Used.
Always.
No matter by whom.
I will always be the pawn.
In your next move.

you knew i liked you
but we had become so close as friends
that when you asked me out i hesitated
i didn’t want to ruin everything.
not again.

we went out anyways.
i kept my distance,
but ended up regretting it -
i was into you and
that was that.

i fought my nerves and
confronted you about my feelings.
you didn’t want a relationship,
you were leaving soon and
couldn’t commit

but you liked me too
and didn’t want to do nothing about it.
friends with benefits
you suggested.
that didn’t seem like me
but maybe it was exactly what i needed
i agreed
under the conditions that
nothing hurt our friendship

we went out again.
you didn’t know if we should,
you thought it didn’t seem like me
i agreed
i’m sentimental
why do i have to be so sentimental

later you said you wanted to kiss me
and i really wanted to kiss you too
so we did.
it felt passionate and intimate
i felt closer to you.
a couple weeks went by
no talk about it.

i confronted you again.
i couldn’t give myself
to someone i’m not dating
you wanted more than kissing
or you wanted nothing at all
you didn’t want me to regret anything
that i did with you
i wasn’t sure what i wanted.

i said we should
test the waters
so i said you could touch me
i felt i needed to experience new levels of
physical intimacy
with someone i trusted.
that someone was you.

until you grew impatient of
my virginity
you cut off our deal
insisting it had nothing to do with me
that’s my problem
you said.
i said it’s fine, our friendship is most important.
it is most important.
i could never risk losing you that way

something still twisted inside my gut
at what you said
i thought you wanted to be intimate with me
because you liked me for me
no
you just wanted somebody -
some body-
to give you that easy lay.

but i wouldn’t give myself up that easily
you couldn’t handle it
you were done with me
i felt like i was less than a person to you
a person i had trusted with
everything i am.

just like popcorn -

those soft, incredible clouds
appearing from what
once was

solid,
golden,
rock -

my thoughts are formed.

out of nowhere,
another pops into my mind,
joining it's fellow corns,

only to later

be consumed,
rearranged,
and discarded

by people who

aren't
even
me.

- v.m