My subconscious is an icky place
A trash bin, a place to sweep the dust and hide old things
The old things are my unwanted memories
They pile up and now it's a dump

My conscious is clean and beautiful
Spotless, but I made a mistake
Instead of taking care of my memories, I just threw them away
Now when I sleep, I pay

I am the useless child,
Who can't seem to do
Anything right,
Whose actions are never
What you expect them to be

I am the selfish child,
Who's ignorant and insensitive
Who only cares about herself
Who makes you wonder
"Why are you alive?"

I am the unwanted child,
Who has no place to go
Abandoned for being friends
With the monster
They call "Depression".

I am a child,
Who constantly disappoint you
Who made you ask questions
"What did I do to have you as a daughter?"
Whom you can't accept for being imperfect.

I am your child,
And I've grown tired wanting to be loved
Maybe I'll find where I belong
Somewhere far from here
Maybe it's in the paradise they call "Death".

You sacrificed . . . .and you fell
. . . over dreamed . . . with breath of kerosene

They cut you deep . . . .the pain
was not the worst  . . . as the fear you choked

death was  . . . .last breath taken . . .
and the exhale . . . . . . . .

I have officially lost control of my life,
My parents don't understand,
My friends don't understand,
No one understands.

But the question is,
Will anyone ever understand?

I am so alone in this war,
I have lost control of my thoughts,
Actions,
Choices,
Look,
and even feel.

I am like a emotionless, dry, unwanted and confused zombie.

If my family were to read my poems,
They still would never understand there cadging me and I need out.

I am a child of the shadows until I push myself through, and then I am pushed back.

Lightning always strikes at least twice, in case you heard it wrong
And I've sewn patches everywhere, from lightning that has stayed too long but

I don't feel a thing
Wandering through these dirtied up places
If you only knew
Walking past these black and white faces

Thought that I saw a glimpse of blue but lost it in the crowd
So I am left alone again with patches sewn all over and now

I don't feel a thing
Wandering through these dirtied up places
Not much I can do
Walking past these black and white faces

Maybe we could grab a drink or two and talk about the world
Maybe you're the color blue that I've been searching for

I won't feel a thing
If I stay in these dirtied up places
Can you see it too?
Walking past these black and white faces
Colorless faces
Meaningless faces
Black and white faces

You made me feel unwanted
by all the things you did not say,
a simple goodnight, how was your day?