i see evidence of a life i used to live
everywhere i go

faces of what i think are people i used to
know, but are really just someone i do not
and will never know

remnants of memories scattered around
for me to find, a cruel scavenger hunt i
never wanted to play

the ghost of me lives here in my shadow
always here,
following me around

i think
some days it is the shadow
and i am left straddling the blurred lines
of who i used to be and who i am now
whoever she is

and some days i do not know
which one
i would rather be

His confessions were slow and seldom
Whereas yours fall rapid and steady
From your lips, dipping down
To kiss my body
His loneliness was everlasting
Whereas yours settles for nothing
Looks me square in the eyes
Daring me not to smile
His words left me bruised and blackened
Whereas yours find soft healing
When you tell me you'll do small things too
To make me happy

I don’t know how others
Perceive me But in my eyes
I think I come off clingy
I don’t try to be this way
I really wish I could change
But I just can’t ...I just can’t
Stop caring about you when
You’re on my mind more than
white on rice

A question for my future self:
Am I happy?
Do I have insurmountable wealth?
A concern from my past self:
Do I still use my body to show the boys I’m pretty?
Is my potential for the future just collecting dust on a shelf?
I wrote a letter in seventh grade to my tenth grade self
I asked, blatantly, “pourquoi est-ce que to habites?”
That means “why do you live?”
And I sat and wondered while reading that in twelfth grade:
“What can I possibly give? Five years ago I didn’t know why I live and still I falter with the thought.”
I’ve been told time and time again that I’m wasting what I have
Not my materials or rights
My ability to stab through the thickest situations and rise to the top
I’ve been told that my potential has been wasted
I’m worried that me right now will be the same in ten years as though it has just been copied and pasted
Life goes on in a conveyor belt fashion
You step off when you get where you need to go
But some of us stand still and go in the same circle never taking action or developing a passion to get from point A to point B
I fear I may never step off my conveyor
It’s hard to see the world objectively when clearly everything is subjective
I’m conveying to you, future self, that I think your belt is broken and you’re stuck in one place
You physically stand still
While your mind wanders space
And you think you’re advancing and in life moving forward
But you’re stationary and you can’t see it now, but take my word for it
I want you to open your eyes and see past your useless tears
You’ve had all the time in the world to make changes, you’ve had so many years!
So why is it that you have yet to adjust the system?
Future self, are you listening? Get off the conveyor and start walking, because no one is there to fix them!
Don’t expect help from anyone in your circle
They stick around for a little but are ultimately a hurdle
There is no one to trust but you, future friend
If you need to reach out to anyone
Ask yourself, a hand I’m sure you’ll lend
I doubt you want to see yourself fail
You might as well then get your coffin and count each nail
Because everything in life is different in perspective
Can you see now that you somewhat feel respected?
I worry about you more than I should
But I worry just enough
To the point where it’s good
Hey, can we strike a deal, future me?
Give it four years
And if by then you can’t see,
Then the world doesn’t need you and you’re better off alone,
But if you see what I mean then enjoy your new home
Your body is the dwelling that you seek shelter in
I hope that day comes when you love your own skin
When your eyes shimmer with glee at the sight of your image
Not at all like Narcissus, but you understand the little pilgrimage I’m talking about
So one last comment to you, my soon to be friend
Always trust yourself and your judgement, don’t bend
Don’t let others walk over you like a doormat
Command your presence like a homerun swinging bat
Silence the room when you walk in to speak
Understand your self worth and the benefits, you’ll reap
I’m happy to have the pleasure of meeting you one day
I’ll likely be nervous and not know what to say
Because for how powerful and wonderful and mystifying you’ll be
God I hope one day what I want to see will be me

Sa higpit ng iyong mga pagkapit,
nais ko sanang magtanong ng “bakit?”
ngunit labi ay di makapagsalita, na tila ba ang dila ay naipit at napilipit.
Ayaw ko pa sanang tuluyang mapalapit,  
dahil baka sa huli, ito'y magdulot ng sakit;
ngunit kung sakaling mga damdamin ay di na mapigilang
magkalapit,
samahan nati’y ayaw ko sanang magdulot ng pait,
at mabigat na pasakit.


© LMLB

I feel an uncertainty when it comes to you.
Not because you want to do something that will destroy what we have between us,
but because you want to hurt me.
I clearly see what actions you do,
and I ask myself why you do it?

I'm afraid you will continue doing that.
That thing I clearly see you do.
I understand why you do it,
and I understand you never mean to hurt me,
but I'm afraid you'll do it anyway.
Because regardless of whether I'm sure why you do it,
and that I'm sure you never mean anything bad,
it hurts anyway.
That you want to hurt me,
hurts.

I'm here for you.
Here to fulfill what you want.
Your needs.
If you feel inferior,
I'm still here.
Here to fulfill what you want,
your needs.
I would never leave you if you felt inferior.
But you wish me pain either way.
Make me feel what you feel.
Make me feel inferior.
And I'm afraid you'll do it again.
Show that you are better than me in some way.
Make me unsure of myself.
Doubt myself.
Even though I see it clearly.
Your actions.
Your result.

I'm left thinking and thinking:
why would you do something like that to make me feel inferior?
To make me unsure of myself?
To make me doubt myself?
When I am here for you.
Here to fulfill what you want,
fulfill your need.

There's a difference between results and consequences.