overflowing, my heart, a torrential tide,
Words falter, emotions I cannot confide.
To love so fiercely, yet know it will not stay,
A cruel, aching truth that will not go away.

my heart, unbridled, runs wild toward you,
defying my reason, defying what is true.
each offering of love met with barren air,
An endless void, a silence unfair.

I cry out, scream, a battle in vain,
fighting shadows absorbing the pain.
the emptiness grows, a consuming abyss,
feeding on love, on moments I miss.

oh, how I long for your warmth, your care,
but the universe answers with desolate stares.
this love is a tether, a soul bound chain,
a curse unbroken, a beautiful pain.

to love this deeply is to burn and bleed,
to nurture a flower that turns to a ****.
yet still, I cling to the ghost of your name,
bound by the fire, consumed by the flame.

a love so eternal , a wound so profound,
a curse the echoes, no solace found.
but in this despair, a paradox lies,
for even in ruin, my heart cannot disguise.

So I bear this torment, this ache, this fight,

A beacon of love in an endless night.

For though it destroys, it is a truth I can not flee:

Loving you deeply is the curse that is me.

When you are silent,
I suffer in silence.

For hours on end,
You don't reply.
Even though I see you online.

Off, then On.
On, then Off.
The silence?
It is loud.

Many others you meet,
And all of them you greet.
A warm welcome, a fond goodbye.

On, then Off.
Off, then On.
The silence?
It's painful.

Many days later,
I get an answer.
Many words, so little meaning.

Off, then On.
On, then Off.
The message?
It cuts deep.

When I remain silent,
I suffer regardless.

You ask, I don't reply.
I require rebuilding
Lest I die, I will need some time.

Always On, never Off.
Never Off, always On.
My silence?
It's T o r t u r e.

I’ve got the ache, it tells me: “Wrong!”
And I keep thinking all day long,
Is this the way, is this the time?
Or is that what I do a crime?

The thoughts of worry burn me down.
I’m zoning out, lost track of time.
I wanna run away from town,
Escape chills going down my spine.

Once craving mind is now in ruins.
The heart can’t see, it’s blank and blind.
I guess I’m horrified of humans,
In cruel world I’m helpless child.

Cold hearted world is what I face,
It’s suffering that I embrace.
Looking for place where I belong,
It’s on the other side of storm.

To get out I have to go through,
Forget what I believed was true.
Though I won’t forget tears of pain that I cried,
I promise I’ll foster myself not to hide.

I feel like I live in an infinite void of nothingness. Between the vast worlds that I remain The Observer to. I’ve been in so many things, but never fully committed, be it by my own volition or external circumstances. Perhaps no one has and the continuity and consistency I seek is all an illusion generated by my limited presence in the spaces I transiently call home in a desperate attempt to belong to things that I feel deep down I simply can’t. Do I know it to be certain, or is it merely faulty—unhealthy—subconscious programming? I wish I knew.
I have so much potential—I sincerely know it; I see it every day. Yet, despite this, I remain a car in fifth gear, wheels spinning in winter’s freezing, putrid slush, and remain stationary as I drain all my energy, rocking back and forth across the slippery driveway.
Like my body and brain—like me—my devices’ batteries seem to drain too quickly; where’d all that time and energy go? Yet, Time seems to firmly drag me along through an eternity, moment to moment, when pain strikes me with its sour, sharp, and nearly all-penetrating hand.
The evening sunlight sure does look pretty out the window and coming in onto the walls, though. That’s something.
A group walks by. By no means a popular group–not that popularity matters much–but they, despite the game of Society stacking most odds against them, have found their people: each other. These geeks that pass by the window are happy despite this, and though I may have traits that set me apart from them, I remain set apart from near everyone else.
I fear, from the deeply-rooted subconscious program from a childhood of my depth and passions never being understood, much cared for, or even acknowledged, that those who are near to me cannot fully see it. I know they love me; no question there despite the doubts creeping in. The programming renders both nearly impossible to feel. Spectacular.