liquids take the shape of their container and I am 70% water,
I can only spread into the fishbowl my mind pours me into,
a free bird cannot exist without being let out of its cage and I was told to do everything except fly,
I am a home without walls and without any structure I begin to measure what is not there,
i measure the diameter of the space in my earlobes,
they speak for me when I am silenced by all that is louder than me,
they try to shout over the voices of teachers and coworkers and parents and all those that have as much faith in me as I do,
they tell the world that I can't fathom a future for myself where I would be valued enough to be expected to look respectable

I used to measure the space between my thighs,
that space spoke louder than I did on a stage,
a stomach growl felt more like an applause to me than what an audience would do after I pretended some words on a raised floor,
it was louder than my mothers voice,
when my thighs didn't touch nobody told me I was too much for them,
it was how the world heard me when the words that I needed to express started drifting away like the inches of flesh,
the inches that had taken my entire youth to collect on my bones and protect my skeleton from the cold

I am the spaces where my body used to be.
I am the negative space in the silhouette of who I once was.
and in losing myself I learned that when your own body feels like a foreign object,
it becomes pretty easy to destroy it.

I want to do a movie-marathon,
Running from morning til noon to midnight.
Watch all the saddest movies ever filmed.
Or spend this day reading stories, novels, proses.
All told by broken souls, fueled by heartaches.
'Til all these pain metamorphose and birthed into tears.
'Til all these hurt goes away along with this release.

For,

I am growing tired of saying "It's okay. I'm fine."
Enough of the lies!
Those lines..
It kept me from being  human,
For it suppress
the cries,
the screams,
the state of fragility.
It kept me from feeling weak,
from being vulnerable.

And,

I need to hear your voice, to soothe my restless soul.
I need to feel your hands holding mine, making me feel that i am not alone.
I need to see that look in your eyes, penetrating inside me,
reviving embers of my being
that is slowly drifting away.
I need to...
Oh please!
I need you.
Anything you can offer to take away this emptiness.

*Until I can see I.
Until I can hear me.
Until I can feel and be myself again.