What is life?
What’s life, really?

When you think you’ll win,
but you lose.
When you think you’ll achieve,
but you fail.
When you think you’ll survive…
but you're dead.
And I think....I'm dead

When the spring winds fell into my lap
and my stride began to fatigue
and the taste of new days
often soaked in reminiscence
became too difficult to stomach
I tied the skyline around my soul
and made curtains from the sun
to shade the windows from the grey
of afternoon storms
when all the speeding and whirling
thoughts fall into my lap
they intertwine with a breeze
drifting from place to place

most days,
i carry it all
in silence --
it's like a bag
without handles.

...

grief,
expectation,
the weight of being
the one
who doesn't
fall apart
out loud.

...

no one ever
sees it,
but it's heavy
in my spine,
my jaw,
my lungs,
the way i forget
to breathe.

...

but i carry it
because i have to.
becuase letting it go --
letting it all fall
and come crashing down --
feels
worse.

My head is not right today.
I have no idea why it's this way.

It switches from one thought to another.
I feel like I am being smothered.

I can't finish just one thought.
In a group is where they are brought.

I'm under so much stress.
There are things I should confess.

Some people say I am so strong,
But in reality, they couldn't be more wrong.

The outer part of me puts on that smile
While the inner me has been dying for a while.

I hate this part of my disease.
It literally brings me to my knees.

From a great mood to nasty as hell.
Which it's gonna be, I can never tell.

Most of the days I can push through.
Today I don't know what to do.

It comes with no known trigger.
It's not going away; it's only getting bigger.

Bigger, louder, and extremely strong.
I wish I knew what was wrong.

I want to cry, but I don't know what for.
I hate this disease; I don't want it anymore.

I get these terrible pains in my chest.
Feels like the Lord is gonna lay me to my final rest.

Will these feelings only last for today?
'Cause it feels like they will never go away.

In reality it will not.
A life sentence is what I got.

I could be flying high in the fluffiest cloud.
Then, bam, I crash onto the ground.

I wonder if people truely understand
What really goes on in my land.

How could they when even I don't?
How could they when they simply won't?

This not only takes a toll on me,
But it affects my friends and family,

Especially those days I cannot hide
The deep dark depression I feel inside.

Some days I'm just not strong enough.
Some days are just too tough.

But most of the days I seem to manage
To get through them without serious damage.

Well at least to others
Is what I mutter

Things aren't usually this bad,
But you won't know which I have had

'Cause that is what we do.
We pretty it up for you.

I can't keep that clear thought in my head.
I'm done with this crap; I am going to bed

It grabbed me again, that feeling.
bare neck
it dug its claws.

Deeper and deeper,
it consumes.

Inside me,
A tunnel filled with cars
ramming into each other—
one after another,
one after another
they hit,
they break,
Producing bangs
that flood my body.

Clawing at my own skin
to remove them,
“I just want them out” I say
but my body doesn’t listen.
My mind ignores me.
And it just builds.

It grabbed me last year, that feeling.

A stress,
A draining anxiousness
******* nutrients from my roots.
Kolding back the words I needed
to get me out
to let me grow
from the rooms
that confined my mind.

Aching pains
that stretched me
between all these worlds,

“Am I good enough?”
“Will I disappoint?”
“Why will I never be good enough”—
a thought that lingers.
“Why do I like nothing about myself”

This feeling,
This nagging demon,
This tunnel of cars
that won’t listen
to the stop
that I shout,

this draining anxiousness.  

Please—
Let me go.

An anxiety
that goes through my body,
kicks in like a robot
and makes me think —
did I forgot?

It closes my reality,
makes me think —
did I do critically?

It’s starting. I feel the taps.
I glance over my shoulder. No one there.
In my mind? “Hey chum, got time to spare?”
Time slipped and left the dreadful gaps.

“Hey chum, care to wake up?”
Reality calls. Eyes on us. “Help me out here?”
“Sorry chum, nothing but void.” A nervous tear.
Get up and pour some coffee in that cup.

Dear mind, we need to talk.
“Cease your violent tapping, leave me be!”
Eerily quiet, but the shadows glee.
Dim lights. Senses rest during a late night walk.

Hopeful dawn. Tell me a story, my friend.
“Look at you, chum! Paying attention!” Rising stress.
His lips move, his words roll. Tap tap. “Mind, please continue to process!”
A fleeting tale, instantly lost. I was there for you, yet absent.  

A mind deep as the universe, yet without gravity.
During daylight, always beckoned by fantasy.
My thoughts fade away, my memory fails. I swear it’s not apathy.
I try not to drift. Please bear with me, for your love is my necessity.