From the depth of my cage
I saw you pretending to be
Not my keeper
Releasing me, only to chase me
Into my own nightmare
Of charred souls
Standing helpless
As I watched the ash blow away

so much bad news
to drown in
my wife tells me
to put down
my phone and
play quiet music
but I wonder
if that’s fiddling
while Rome burns,
the ship’s orchestra
playing as the
Titanic sinks or
just good advice
from the one who
knows me best
...cue the music

Aching to sink further into the dirt
Into the grave, you built while pacing back and forth
Manifesting the prophecies you work so hard to avoid
Wrapped up in soiled stories of what could be,

You linger on the branches of a willow’s weep
Swinging from each somber lullaby into feathers that soar
Into the minds covered in clouds resting on the top of the world
Clarity is misguided when there’s more fun to be had amid the fog

Picking at the scab you know will bleed
You crave to reopen the wounds you know not to be ready
Eager for a dance against Time,
He laughs at your foolish attempts to hurry

Under-paid, fed up
Over-worked, had enough
Lotto on, good luck

I have a D+ in chemistry.
I have a D+ in chemistry, despite doing my best work throughout the quarter.
I have a D+ in chemistry, so I hired a tutor.
I have a D+ in chemistry, so I obsessed over it for a while.
I have a D+ in chemistry, but my hard work continues.
I have a D+ in chemistry, but the laughs of me and my friends still fill my school halls.
I have a D+ in chemistry, but my scars remain healed.
I have a D+ in chemistry, but I can still listen to music late at night, while the summer air fills my room through an open window.
I have a D+ in chemistry, but the wind still hits my face when I step outside, lifting my hair from my shoulders, the sun wiping my cheek.
I have a D+ in chemistry, but the moon still shines behind the clouds, reminding me she’s still there.
I have a D+ in chemistry, so I’ll do better.

A heavy weight on your shoulders will only grow heavier.

People around you support you to lift that heavy weight.

When nobody sees that heavy weight you eventually fall down.
The weight will be too heavy to bear.

You have no clue as to what to do.

But in the end you should know.

Your path does not end here.

It is not the end of the world.

Don't be afraid to hug yourself too.

Have you ever come to the end of the day,
and can run the clock back play by play,
and can add it up that supposedly
it was the day it was supposed to be,
but somehow it seems that no time has gone
like a broken record playing on and on,
and you think back through all the things you’ve done -
every day every deed bleeding into one,
and you can’t help but feel just a little fear
and hopelessness, cuz it isn’t clear
what it’s all about, why you rise each day,
fight the fights you fight, play the games you play,
do the things you do, “Just what the hell for”
for you’ve done it all a thousand times before,
and could keep on going til the bitter end,
and perhaps you will but what purpose then
does it serve, and so your left with not
but to sigh and deal with what you’ve got,
and just keep moving for you know what they say…
 
Tomorrow will be a bran new day.

Education
Something that is revered for its ability to change people's lives for the better, help people escape poverty, change the world.

For me?
School almost killed me.

At face value, it doesn't make much sense.
I wasn't being bullied, ridiculed.
I excelled.

But without my identity as the "smart kid" and doing well in school, I thought I was nothing.
Had no other skills or values to contribute.
I tried hard to break free from this thinking,
Tried so incredibly hard,
But this feeling haunted me.
For many years.

I know that's harsh and not true, but my brain was hell bent on this reality.
So I pushed myself to untold lengths to excel in undergrad, tiptoeing on a balance beam, bad marks threatening to push me off the ledge.

No way to live.

Being out of school and in work I learned that I was so much more than a student.
A volunteer, friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, hiker, traveller, runner, baker, advocate, warrior.
This saved my life.

So it makes sense now back in full-time school again where memorization and multiple choice rules that I feel the familiar sensation that all I am is a student and a slave to school.
It makes sense the transition has been insanely difficult when I'm returning to what nearly killed me.

This time, I know better, I'm in control.
I will not allow school to take its toll.
I will protect myself and who I've grown to be,
and never let school be the end of me.

I'm mentally torn apart
Take a step in my heart
Go ahead! peel off all the skin
Look at what lies within
Behind cute the little sweet things
Is an ugly reality
tugging at my sanity.

Life knows about me
It will cover up the ugly
So I don't end up in the ward
I smile at my life's gifts gleefully
Clutching life's sweet rewards
Deep into my palm.

This is my life
A Sugar Coat
The more I mask
The less I ask
Masking up the ugly, makes it so sweet
Save your tears, just not this week
Another day rolls along
She been sick for too long
Do my prayers ever get answered?
It hurts to watch her struggle through.

This is my little life
It cuts me like a knife
I might've won my little awards
But I'm one step closer to the wards
Where is he at
The one who told me that
I am his number one
It felt like he wasn't here
When the pang of stress was there.

This is my life
A Sugar Coat
The more I mask
The less I ask
Masking up the ugly, makes it so sweet
Save your tears, just not this week
Another day rolls along
Another broken promise
Will he ever care to compromise?
It pains me to see him
Not care about his and our future.