Some people know what it’s like
To feel a knot in the back of your throat
To feel that knot untying, loosening a seam
To know that there’s a hole  
To try and fill that hole
To know that there’s a hole that cannot be filled
To try and fill that hole.

Some people know what it’s like
To feel that brief blissful void
To know the release into nothingness
To think without weight
Only to become heavier.

Some people know what it’s like,
To want to be like them
To wait to be like them
To try to be like them, effortlessly
To fail to be like them, painstakingly.

And some People know, they are not alone

i thought i was shaking because of the cold.
i thought i was shaking as a simple reaction to the weather.
for so long i believed that.
and now i sit here,
shaking,
uncontrollably,
no way to escape it.
the anxiety makes it’s way down my body,
starting with a headache and then trouble breathing and then pain in my stomach and then my hands and feet begin to sweat.
and all i can think,
is how i need you here,
to hold me,
tell me how to fix myself,
help me out of this place,
please i beg you.

but i don’t know where you are.

i command my thought queen
to keep her revolting peasants in order
until i remember
she’s a queen of the people

Clouded vision by these things that haunt me,
Still waking up from yesterday’s fog
While stressing over tomorrows possibilities.

I am seeking connection;
seeking to feel… something.
To not feel the burden of feeling trapped.
Like a lion pacing its cage,
My numb mind races.
With thoughts that mumble unknown somethings in the distance.
Each step deeper in self reflection
my image blurs.
I feel like a blank canvass with no direction.
No creativity and no motivation.

It never goes away
Always yelling at your body
Telling you
"THIS IS NOT OKAY"
My heart can't take much more,
and if it doesn't stop soon
my heart will break in two,
all because of you.

The tick of the clock and
The beat of my heart
The click of the mouse
As I refresh the page
Results come in and
numbers shift
Red and blue and
Grey