my thoughts are headphones left in someone's back pocket for too long // I've always wanted a pillow that said "home sweet home" but recently I realized I don't know where home is // I thought you were going to be my angel, but Lucifer was once an angel, too // there's a hose running into my lungs and I thought you were turning the water off but instead you were slowly trying to drown me // I never understood how you could love someone if all you loved was their body // you promised me gardens but you forgot to water them // you once told me you loved me but immediately took it back and I still wonder if you were joking or you really felt as strongly about me as I did for you // you asked me if I ever felt like ripping myself to pieces and I almost told you "every night since you left" but instead I quietly shook my head and said "no" // I won't ask you if you ever loved me because you'll never tell me the truth


-m. j. g.

Saturday night sets in
as a $1 Roy Hamilton's Greatest Hits record
emits soft vocals and
mellow horns
from my speakers.
The intermittent
crackling and popping
scratches against my insides
as I strain to think of
anything and everything
but you.
The warm melodies are reminiscent
of the warm summer nights when
we first began to share time
and hidden parts of ourselves,
drifting into a rhythm that
swung me one-two-three,
waltzing into a haze of unexpected
love.
Little did I know the romantic waltz
would drastically switch tempo,
up and pounding,
beating behind my eyes and against my skull
as I heard the sounds of you
scurrying toward the
nearest exit, tangoing away from me,
and snatching my heart along
with you.
And in came the sound of blues,
slow, sultry, and so full of a longing
for he who lead me
in a dance I had thought
would never end.

I love the feeling
when a song
comes on
and suddenly
you find yourself
lost deep in a
memory you
forgot to
actively remember
until now.

The soundtrack to
the summer of '09
when I would
drive 6 hours with the
windows down,
the wind and
the bass from the speakers
in my Honda Civic
creating harmony
in G major,
the hot
sun beating against my
sweat-speckled skin.

And a couple notes
strung along my
eardrum as I
reappear in tears after
you told me you'd
leave me if I
refused to give you what
you wanted,
a melody mixed with
my pathetic, incurable
obsession with pleasing you
and some serious self-loathing.

And then I hear a tune
that sounds reminiscent
of the soft ripple from the
waves the river made
as I smoked a J and
wrote about my days
away from home,
desperately seeking to figure
out who I really am
when I'm completely alone.

Songs that remind me
of sunsets and
old jokes and
the sand between my toes;
rhythms of
bare feet pittering and splashing
in sprinkler water on squishy,
damp grass,
of  French phrases and crunchy baguettes
that I chewed on
in Dijon,
of day parties with plastic
cups and ping pong *****
where we used college courses
and boy drama and
undefeated seasons as
reasons to binge on
cheap ***** and beer.

I hear a bridge,
and I cross the river
where I tread water
for 4 years as I waited
for you to meet me
halfway,
and I drowned
in your lies and mind control.

Chorus of Christmas mornings
with homemade cookies,
joyful jamboree
of after-school
dance sessions in my parents' kitchen,
prom night poses
and people we still
laugh at.

First kisses reverberating
in headphones
and mouths belting
names of forgotten friends.

The soundtrack to my life,
a collection of good time
genres and painful
classics,
number one hits and
one hit wonders I
cherish equally,
my taste as vast as
the memories
contained in the
music.

You stepped in my soundtrack
Bought out the baton
You laughed at my lyrics
Rewrote verses wrong
You chewed on my chorus
And spat it back out
Cracking my key notes
And muting my loud
You revised my rhythm
Swallowed my rhyme scheme
You mashed up the melody
Now I want a new theme

Eyes wide open for days, and then some.
Try to step aside, give myself a break…but that will never come.
You see… the city doesn’t sleep
There’s more character pulsing through, than you’d ever believe.
It’s easy to get lost, but somewhere… there’s always a light on.
The chaos can be overwhelming, but with time you grow fond.

There does come a time though, when you need to rest your head.
With your chest as my pillow, & your body…my bed.
I melt into you, it’s the only time the city fades to gray.
My mind experiences void & I’m at a loss for words to say.
A soundtrack beats through my ears,
For once something is able to drown out life’s fears.

They say it’s always sunny in Philadelphia…
But boy I have my own insight to share with yah…
The rain trickles down, even from blue skies.
Words scream allowed, coming from your eyes.
Cloudy days come in packs,
It’s getting colder as the days pass.

Trying to take on my path smoothly.
But when innate routines create what others only see in movies...
It's essential to agonize in order to know you're alive.
And somehow you’re always there, helping me get by.
Especially on the days I feel to weak to fight back.
You flick on the lights, provide my life with a soundtrack.

Grinning at the bright lights, coming up in stereo.
Nothing compares to the internal feeling, that we both know.
An overwhelming feeling that will never get old.
Incapable of aging, not in my soul…no matter how cold.
We’ll keep it pulsing, keep it alive.
There’s an abundance of spirit, between you and I.

So when the day comes that the city lights go dim,
And the chaotic lifestyle dies down within…
There will be two creatures left, roaming the streets.
Keeping the heart alive, with their own beats.
Illuminating the allies with charisma.
Marking each block with an unforgettable stigma.