Waves taller than I was
cool atlantic ocean
grainy sand between my fingers
burying my toes.

Hot sunburns and salty hair
the beach bars where we used to eat off the kids meal
going back to your condo
sitting on your couch.

Thrown over his shoulders
covered in sand, the warm weight used to be fun but now it just scares me
you scare me.
My shoulders were kissed
sunscreen on my back
the lukewarm pools and marco polo races holding my breath until i thought my lungs would explode.

The water would rush back with the pull of the ocean our sundresses damp around our ankles, bruises over our mouths where you held them shut
The porch light was on to the condo my towel draped over your balcony, bathing suit bottoms in your bedroom.

Forgotten toys and to pairs of arm floaties because i was never good at swimming, you left your watch on the shoreline.
Crying because of the pain and the hatred and love
Never knowing if I would be cuddled or touched
but knowing i would be cuddled after being touched
those sunburnt spots caressed by you.
White caps peak as the sun rises, we’re cold with fevers and abuse, shaking as our feet are wet again with salty water and your watch pulled out to the sea, lost forever.

Let's take our time
Together
You & I,
Let's not complicate what we feel
The beat of your heart against me.
Undressed.
Unraveling in steady breath,
The places my tongue has tasted.
The nape of your neck,
To your pelvic throb.
Your eyes staring back into mine.
Time but a gasp,
Consumed in the kiss of your neck.
My reflection stares back from your eye.
Ascension of the most high.
Falling deeper & deeper inside of you.
Your legs ensuring that everything is felt.
The mattress supports us,
Lost in current after current of timeless bliss.
The sheets no longer pulled tight,
Half off the bed.
Pillows no longer nice,
neat.
The thoughts we keep of ourself.
Consumed,
Outside of me,
Inside of you.
Beckoning for more.
The rest of the world put on hold hours at a time.
Prolong every moment possible,
Enjoying each other

“Okay you can stop now
I’m uncomfortable”

It’s like my scream couldn’t even be heard underwater
And even if they could no one would hear them
My body was stuck and
I felt like I was just withdrawing from life

My bones ache and remorse from the bruising
My heart breaks and hurts from the lashings

“You didn’t STOP
Why didn’t you just STOP.
That’s all you had to do and I’d be okay”

I am nothing more than a ******* shell now and that’s all I’ll ever be
all because of you

I constantly feel alone with any man who tries to love me
I’ll constantly be accused and feel like every last thing will always be my fault

My soul will always be tainted and brittle

You did this

Because you couldn’t stop.

I dated a wrestler,
Mom liked him,because he was white and had red hair like me
He bought me things, even though I didn’t ask
He carried my books to class, and opened the doors
He held my hand and sometimes grabbed my ***

But I didn’t mind because I’ve been taught
Through society that when things are bought
****** payments are what females give with no afterthought

So with much gratitude
I sent him a ****
And he send it to the whole school

Starting with the wrestling team,
But some of them were football players so they sent it to their team
So on and so forth until the extreme

Sexualassults were happening constantly
Hallways turned into a runway of grabs and brushes against my ***
Some even slipped a dollar into my pocket as payment for the peak

When a **** of lingerie for a nice guy turned into a beacon that I’m a *****
People starting victim blaming me, ‘you shouldn’t have done that’
And the principle doesn’t care

He overheard from a group of boys
He got the picture and had it printed sitting on his desk,
“This is chidpornography if I see you sending this again you’ll be in trouble”

I realized no one was going to defend me and so the strong women I am known to be
Hid, when I need her strength the most
Once confident head held high, I try to blend in with the crowd

I changed the way I dressed into sweatshirts and baggy pants
But they continue because it’s not the way I dress, but that I’ve become inferior
And the open palms that graze me burn with masculinity

~Emma Rose

she has bad tattoos
and wears converse
a totoro hat
over her over bleached hair
sounds familiar

does she watch anime?
does she go to the lego store with you?
does target trips feel the same?
does she comfort you?

do you get the same rush,
when you want to kiss her?

does she let you?

do you get the same nerves,
when you message her on facebook?

do you crave her body,
in the way that you did mine?

so much so that you kept going when I told you no?

do you wish she was prettier,
like you wanted me to be?

do you wish she was blonder,
like the anime character you ******* to?

do you also wish your ***** was bigger,
like I wished it was?

do you also wish that you were more caring to me,
like I wished you were?

do you wish I was still with you..?

do you?

he lifted my shirt as his cool touch buried me beneath a lover
a lover, i must gravitate towards serenity and sensual acts
acts, messy yet innocent; reeling me in for more
more, i want more, i crave what i bound to give
i give him, something for no returns
impossibilities have peaked, clean and unforgiving.

You were my first boyfriend.
I was smitten over someone liking me.
I didn’t even care that I was your rebound.
You compared me to the blonde character in an anime because you wanted me to be perfect.
You treated me badly and broke up with me for other girls
who seemed better than I.
Then, you’d come back to me,
because no one but me had low enough self-esteem to date you.
Sure, they didn’t know the real you; like I did.
They knew the goofy nerd who was in the friendzone.
Finally, I left because I knew I deserved better.
You cried.
Lonesomeness,
is not fun after you’ve been next to someone after two years.
What could you do?
Pitiful, shameful, *** with your ex.
I always regretted it.
Whether it was right when you came over
or right after
or when you left.
One time you said that I “didn’t last long”
because when I regretted it halfway through I told you to stop.
A year goes by.
I pay a visit to your house.
I mostly miss your mom;
ya’ll were my second family.
I had nothing to do before making an hour drive to my niece’s for babysitting.
I dropped in.
I stopped by.
One of my biggest mistakes of my life on that February afternoon.
I watched TV with your mom.
You were sleeping.
She made food so I went to wake you.
We went downstairs and ate.
I asked if you wanted to come outside while I smoked.
You did.
I told you about someone I was seeing,
about how they enjoyed the way I gave head.
Big deal.
To you
because
you said that my head “*****”
I should “prove it” to you that I was good at it.
I refused because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone
especially you.    
Flash forward to your room.
Here’s the part where you can blame me if you’d like.
for going to your room.
How was I supposed to know what you wanted to take from me?
A friendly tickle fight turned into you on top of me.
Force kissing me.
I pushed you off.
Gravity was against me.
When you finally rose
I said “What the **** is wrong with you?”
Why were you doing this to me...?
Without skipping a beat.
I got my answer
that’d replay in my mind
forever.
“You can’t turn me on without turning me off.”
Shock.
Complete Shock.
You wanted my body
and according to you
I was only there for your pleasure.
That’s all I was.
An object for your enjoyment.
I immediately left your room.
You tried to stop me,
you tried to say sorry,
but the damage was done.
You marked yourself.
I had to pretend
in front of your mom
that nothing happened
until I left.
I cried many times that day.
Tears behind my eyes while watching TV right after with her
counting the minutes until I was supposed to leave.
Wailing on my way to my brother’s
Thoughts that it was my fault
that I caused it
while my niece slept peacefully.
And more tears when I told my mom
and even more when she told me to stay quiet
because your mom was already going through a lot.

I was objectified
disrespected
and silenced that day
in February before Valentine’s Day
2016.