You were my first boyfriend. I was smitten over someone liking me. I didn’t even care that I was your rebound. You compared me to the blonde character in an anime because you wanted me to be perfect. You treated me badly and broke up with me for other girls who seemed better than I. Then, you’d come back to me, because no one but me had low enough self-esteem to date you. Sure, they didn’t know the real you; like I did. They knew the goofy nerd who was in the friendzone. Finally, I left because I knew I deserved better. You cried. Lonesomeness, is not fun after you’ve been next to someone after two years. What could you do? Pitiful, shameful, *** with your ex. I always regretted it. Whether it was right when you came over or right after or when you left. One time you said that I “didn’t last long” because when I regretted it halfway through I told you to stop. A year goes by. I pay a visit to your house. I mostly miss your mom; ya’ll were my second family. I had nothing to do before making an hour drive to my niece’s for babysitting. I dropped in. I stopped by. One of my biggest mistakes of my life on that February afternoon. I watched TV with your mom. You were sleeping. She made food so I went to wake you. We went downstairs and ate. I asked if you wanted to come outside while I smoked. You did. I told you about someone I was seeing, about how they enjoyed the way I gave head. Big deal. To you because you said that my head “*****” I should “prove it” to you that I was good at it. I refused because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone especially you. Flash forward to your room. Here’s the part where you can blame me if you’d like. for going to your room. How was I supposed to know what you wanted to take from me? A friendly tickle fight turned into you on top of me. Force kissing me. I pushed you off. Gravity was against me. When you finally rose I said “What the **** is wrong with you?” Why were you doing this to me...? Without skipping a beat. I got my answer that’d replay in my mind forever. “You can’t turn me on without turning me off.” Shock. Complete Shock. You wanted my body and according to you I was only there for your pleasure. That’s all I was. An object for your enjoyment. I immediately left your room. You tried to stop me, you tried to say sorry, but the damage was done. You marked yourself. I had to pretend in front of your mom that nothing happened until I left. I cried many times that day. Tears behind my eyes while watching TV right after with her counting the minutes until I was supposed to leave. Wailing on my way to my brother’s Thoughts that it was my fault that I caused it while my niece slept peacefully. And more tears when I told my mom and even more when she told me to stay quiet because your mom was already going through a lot.
I was objectified disrespected and silenced that day in February before Valentine’s Day 2016.