When I look at myself
I see someone I’m ashamed to be
I see someone who is not who they wanna be
I see me

I always wanted more for myself,
wanted to be memorable,
but now I barely remember most of my life.
Sometimes, I consider who I am,
study my reflection hard in the mirror
contemplate whether it's really me
and then ask if this is who I want to be.
What a responsibility it is
to carry this human flesh to the end
and to act in favor of this restless, desirous mind
for the entirety of a life.
Most of the time, I hardly register my life and world around me
and thus behave mindlessly,
and now I'm realizing that time is more than a concept
and that age will one day take me by the throat.
I've tried so hard to figure myself out,
but I suppose I should spend less time in my mind
and more time taking up space in this body.

I know we meet
people for a reason
and every time I didn't
think it was the case,
hindsight proved me wrong
ten times out of ten.

But us? I can't seem to accept
you were a stepping stone,
a lesson, a memory etched
in my spirit only meant to
redirect me to another place.

I just don't want what comes next
without you here to share it with me.

Tell me why I can't seem to
come to terms with us being
not only impermanent
but seemingly forgettable.

I cannot bring myself to let go

Self pleasure is the definition of the Devil.
We must strike a happy medium,
for the soul is Christ yet the body is sin.

Life, a battle of what lies within.
I, myself, struggle yet seek holy kin.

Promise me virtue,
tomorrow you’ll forget.
Mold form, for my design is ****!

Edit the author, punish the script.
Fight the altar, praise the stripped.

“You don’t indulge in much self-reflection, do you?” Peter asked me.
“Are you asking about that time in Reno I shot a man just to watch him die?” I answered.

(A poem from a friend (by Peter)

A big affair
I know more about particle physics than love
but you have a gravity of your own,
and I want to be around you.

A big affair
A fight for your attention and commitment,
a revelation, a feast of impressions,
I could drown in it.

Peter hops up for a handful of peanuts, then retakes his place on the deep red couch next to me. “Sure,” I say in my best frenetic, surly and spoiled voice, “leave me alone here - desperate for kisses - and then try and creep back into my life.”

I'm thinking and guessing
What if the things that are stressing
Me out
Are just problems I've made myself up?

I'm looking for a place to belong,
But what if I have this need as long
As I do not embrace that I'm different from others?
Or am I the one who disconnects and becomes another?

What is belonging?
Is it worth ignoring
Things you don't like,
That you don't feel understood or alike?

They say everything starts within,
Is it something I haven't given
Myself yet,
Or should I keep searching for it?

Mirror, mirror on the wall
When will my reflection show
An ounce of pride before I fall
Into the depths I dare not go

Who's the barest of them all
Stripped to layers down below
Who am I inside the wall
Of secrets I have yet to know

i don't lie to lie,
i lie because i'm scared
i don't want to hurt the people i love
i want to protect them
and if that means hiding the truth,
i shall
i don't lie to lie

right there,
that's the ******* worst lie of them all