I joke
at a
constant.

Whether it be about
myself or nothing at all,
I still joke.

Sometimes it hurts
laughing at my self hatred
since everyone thinks I'm kidding,
hell I even think it sometimes.

But it hurts knowing that
people you care about
don't notice your
smile crumbling and
your life tumbling
until you scream it out to them
"I'm not okay."

i have a problem.

sometimes, i am happy
uncontrollably so.
everything makes me smile.
and the sun shines in my heart.

but then there are days
when even under the sun
i bring in the rain.
it pours from my eyes
down my cheeks
to my mouth.

and i try to swallow
but i can't.
and everything crumbles
around me.

i lose myself.
and there is no one but me
who can
pick
t h o s e
p i e c e s
u p .

i have a problem.

i am my problem.

Take me away
Away from me
Away from society
Away from everyone
For my thoughts are true
They make me self conscious
They make me scared
And They make me stressed too

There's no cure for this
For nothing is wrong
Nothing ever has been
And nothing will be

So I'll put on a happy face
Pretend to be strong
And enjoy myself
When I'm with my friends
But on my own
The dark Comes to get me
My self hatred comes out to play
It never went
It's always there
But it has more fun
When I'm alone here

I should be alone
Can I just stay here
And never come out
Too scared to look at myself
Too scared to let others see
But they'll never know
The way that I feel
How much pain is caused daily
And all by me

For I am this pain
It is caused by me
For after all it is my fault you see
I don't want help
I don't want to talk
I don't need your permission
Or sorry-ful looks
You don't need to know
It's my secret you see

No one will know
What it is to be me
Nor do you want to
So be grateful you don't
Nothing will happen
For I am too weak
I can't do anything
No matter how much I over think
I wish that I could
If I could I would

Everyone else seems to do it so effortlessly
While I can't do it at all
It's all in my head
I guess I could say
However this is nothing at all
It's only thoughts
Never actions

I don't care what you think
Or what you think you know
For you know nothing
And that's how it goes

I'm masterfully crafted
and tactfully wrath-fed.
I’m attractive in bed,
but not in your head.
I've tragically bled
and I've practically been dead.
My brain has painfully exploded;
I've basically imploded
a million times again,
a billion times in pain,
it has made me insane
and has made me less vain.
I've paid to be the same,
but I'm so full of shame
that I can't live again.
I've been trying to train
to figure out this brain
to not feel so ashamed
so I can live again
so I can love again
so I can feel again
anything but this pain,
so I can treat a man
as best as I can.
Caught between amazing and crazy,
could seem dazing and hazy;
could have been brazen, but I'm lazy.
I'm not phased, it's just me,
not all that I can be;
I'm just too unhappy
with my lack of identity.
I'm stacking up pity
for the ****** up activities;
all the ******* tragedies
that have happened to me,
that darkened me,
and hardened me.

It's not your ******* fault
so why do you get an assault
every time I get salt
in a wound, I attack;
afraid to go back,
I tend to lose track
of when my words turn black
and there's no going back;
if I let my voice leak
and accidentally speak
while upset and weak;
under pressure, I freak.
What the **** does that mean?
Am I not who I seemed?
Am I no longer a dream?
Sorry I break at the seams
because I'm sadly an empathic
and I know it’s pathetic,
it doesn’t fit the aesthetic;
I guess it’s genetic,
but madness is poetic.
My chaos is magnetic
yet I’m not apologetic
because I’ve done my time
just read this rhyme
and you will find
this deranged mind
is a product of the grind
of falling behind,
because I was pushed down
instead of helped up
now I’m trying to come around.
fighting against my genes
to accomplish my dreams
and stop the screams
that are behind the scenes
that flow and stream
glisten and gleam
as if soaked in blood.
They come in floods
and do not scud
they’re thick like mud
and hold me hostage
and are essentially caustic.

I know I’ll find my way
through the pain one day
then I’ll be able to say
that I can stay
instead of running away
and do I ever pray
that later on you may
forgive my crazy play
and I will continue to pay
for the mistakes I’ve made
that will forever weigh
on my conscious, it’ll lay
like a cloud, dark grey.
**God help me, some way.