I am more than a passenger.
I am the reactor.
Power sputters, spurts, spews.
I am the greatest factor.
The soul protagonist of my chapters.
This scene's star actor.
Purring ad lib in sync with script,
lapping up rapture.

I wanted a doctorate,
one that specialized in him -
to know him so thoroughly
that the lines on his palms were
ones I could recite in my sleep
I was so close to getting it.

His voice caught my attention.
"What?" he asked kindly.
"Oh, nothing," I said nonchalantly
as I averted my eyes,
kept the blossoming love hidden.
I resolved to try another day.

Beautiful downtown Atlanta
Sunny, blue, cloudless sky
Tall, wide, massive buildings
Window glass glistening in the sun
Beautiful, well-dressed people
Gainfully employed people
Taking care of business people
Running essential errands
Contributing to the community
Pursuing positive, purposeful lives.

I take in the sights, sounds, smells
Sounds of people walking, talking
Engines revving and car horns
Smells of restaurants and fast food vendors
Engine exhaust and overheated brakes
The feel of the sidewalk
Under my expensive dress shoes
The heat of the sun on my face and neck
The exciting hustle and bustle
Of a thriving metropolis.

A faint “Please, sir. . .” reaches my ears
And a homeless man appears
*****, disheveled, hirsute
“Please, sir. Could you. . .”
His weak speech trails off
As I divert my eyes, quicken my pace
Ignoring his petty pleas
As he disappears in my wake
Bothersome soul, good riddance
Why doesn’t the city do something?

Days later the encounter haunts me
I was so proud of the way I handled myself
How easy it was to dismiss a soul in need
Months later the encounter haunts me
Instead of the clever human
I had become cruel, inhuman
Unfeeling, unkind, uncaring
Years later the encounter still haunts me
Never will it ever happen again
Never. . . ever.

Noble heritage they cannot erase
Ancestor’s plight laid bare for all to see
Tribal identity etched in each face
Invincible spirit their pedigree
Various attempts meant to “civilize”
Expanding demands for more and more land

Pogroms by forced removal terrorized
Extreme suffering they had to withstand.
Their unshakable resolve saw them through
Providing strength to mitigate their fears
Lives lost, yes, their memory they’ll renew
Endless remembrance of the Trail of Tears.

Now that passion's embrace has left me cold.
I find I must stay away:
Deliberately, Intentionally....
With purpose and necessity.
Whenever I begin to cave in,
Lending an ear to those forgotten words.
All my hidden resolve departs.
Sweet betrayal,
How could I ever doubt?
My Dear, My Love, My Light...
Deceive me again.

Confessor, I am reborn,
Vain with ash and frankincense;
Absolved of my inverted pleasures,
Reconciled to the morality of suffering.

Confessor, I am returned,
Predestined to gravely offend;
Nimbly contrite in my genuflection,
Gracefully weak-kneed in my resolve.

Confessor, I am reborn,
Although aged by my discretion;
Examined satisfactorily by my conscience,
Blessedly relieved through your encouragement.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Don't let your lows
Define your heights
Keep your goals set
Firmly within your sight

Focus on yourself
What you want to achieve
You can bring about
Whatever you believe

Pick yourself up
Brush off the dust
You're almost there
Right on the cusp

Learn from the past
Rise up from the depths
Climb the stairway
Step by step

Like a Phoenix
Reborn from the ash
Ignite a new flame
Shine with a brilliant flash

I did this
I let the monster in
I let the demons win
I am pain
Void of gain
Leave me
Hate me
Loathe me
****** me

light

If I deserve life
Then Monster wouldn't have touched me
Monster would have let me be

light it

But instead
I am dead
Monster is merciful master of misery
How lucky

light it up

LIGHT!
IT!
UP!

LIGHT IT UP!
LIGHT IT UP!
LIGHT IT UP!

FLASH

what?
what's that?

A ship in the night?
Did it hear my wet cry?
It sails back
Back to the sunrise
Back to me
Don't ****** my pain
Don't ****** my misery
Let it be
Let it be
Let them be
Let them see

I need
A break
To just be

I didn't do this
All monsters come in
And sometimes
They will win
But only the battles
Never the wars
YOU own this ship
This voyage is YOURS

If I'm to survive
I'll stay in MY ship
I won't drown again
On this night, I live