An inkling of
something authentic
laced in Psilocybin
decides to reminisce-
she stood there once again
brown eyed and secret filled,
a testament of time
and how it can’t heal the ill

Thought I was spent,
but it’s those days of my youth
when nothing needed
to make sense
where I traced the message
as it connects:
an answer undesirable,
still honesty none the less

Hope straightens its back
as I attempt to settle the past
and grasp at the present,
assuring that ego will learn
how to just let things happen

How to ride the
unknowable wave,
and sense these gentle
reminders
that there is no escape
because we are
simply messengers
conscious for reasons
understood
only when in symbiosis
with Mother Earth

I envisioned her being erased
as I slipped under
this frozen lake
that will cleanse me of
our brokenness
by turning my bones into icicles,
clarifying the sum
of how I became
shrouded in midnight blues
and the bluntness
shakes my last gulp loose
until the earth is still,
leaving me a cliché
as I glisten with the moon

My thoughts flicker into a dream
where we finally understood
without being mean,
where our love had
no consequence
and we did things for each other
not only because we should,
until a nightmare arises
of living torn apart
in realization that I
never appreciated her
when she was in my arms

Now I'm sorting through decay
into a dimension of
fading memory
and things speed up
as my mind begins to race,
but was it ever my mind to behold?
Are we just visions projected
through those that personify us?

The concept of missing another
has left, where is here?
Her face dissolves,
and my last thought
conjured
is a question of why
there was no emphasis
on other people or resolve
before I got lost in self-destruction,
looking for the sound
of her laughter

What remains
is unending fear
as this aura travels
elsewhere
and a body absently
sinks
to the bottom of Moses Lake;
goodbye dear

Eight years of commitment
to file away-
I’ve never been good
at finishing tasks,
I fiddle my thumbs when asked
dramatizing a victimized
perception
to anyone who will listen
as if they aren’t suffering
in the dirt,
as if I'm special
when no one is special
because we are all perfection
reflected on earth

As a perfected being
it is my responsibility
to let you go,
to lay down the second arrow
and redirect this energy
into a meditative state,
yet my finger slips
on the bowstring
and the cushion stays
fluffed

Instantly my psyche
self-deprecates
and turbulent sensations
erupt,
over time,
and how it was spent
leading up to this exact moment
but all that arises is
loneliness,
allowing the arrow
to fall into my chest

Telling myself over and over,
"alone doesn't have to mean
lonely,
just move forward"
until the double-edged sword
cuts this perceived loss
out of my gut
and humility bleeds through
as a reminder
that we only part to meet again,
whether in this life
or a different one

A highlight of consequence
for believing in
everlasting phenomenon,
and to show value in
unlearning resistance
to the push and pull
of ocean and moon
because acceptance
heals all pain,
but to cling only strikes odds
with gravity,
forcing the second arrow
loose

The Starbucks was torn down
where my fantasies of us
were set apart from
tangibles that shattered
my existence-
its been five years since then
and I never wrote a metaphor
better to describe the mark
that was left on that day
or in the inevitability that
all things must change

Because I once painted
a dark haired girl
the color of my world,
it was art on its way to self-demise
overshadowed by
the comfort of
those nights that we would hide,
blending into our
chameleon moonlight,
she left me with many questions
but the answer to only one:
becoming empty enough to know
how not to love

This lesson was carved
into the stone
of that suburban parking lot,
a reflection of her
succinct goodbye
that collided with the surface of
every whisk to
breakfast and sunshine
she rejected in my room,
engulfing me in combusted lies
mixed with the scent of coffee
and fleeting perfume

I was left smoldered
on concrete
with the opus of
an imbalanced soul
that reduced me to nothing inside
except reluctant aches that
ravished in our severed ties,
and all I could do was sit there
basking in the rays
of the only time
we ever shared
morning light

By now these bitter winds should have blown me apart.
This void of emptyness I carry inside is heavy.
Time no longer moves.
It twists....
                 ...  and warps... slows...
                                                    Almost stops.

This blackhole holds the light prisoner, illuminating all the wrong I've done.

I remember that grim spark in your eyes,
All the deep scars you'd disguise,
Those were all the scars I caused.
Hidden past of hate and cries,
And our future that I robbed.

I saw it even as we'd speak,
'Twas like you accepted defeat.
You tried to love me like before,
But we both knew it was deceit,
You couldn't love me anymore.

Even still, you tried your best
To forget of all the rest,
And be happy with what you had,
Even through all the unrest,
And all the times I made you sad.

Like a dream, we were together,
Nothing matters whatsoever!
It's like the first day that I met her.
But then why...
Do I feel this looming foreboding?

I knew my victory was fleeting,
That past patterns were repeating,
But I didn't know that day,
Was to be our last replay.

I'll never forget your smile,
Even though it was denial,
I still loved every second of it.
Please... Stay with me a while,
Don't leave me, just for a while...

I remember that hopeless light in your eyes,
You knew it was over, and your love dies,
I knew I was approaching my demise.
I couldn't stop it even if I tried.
Now it's my turn to cry.

You're gone now,
And you are happy.
I'm grateful for
How much you loved me.

Goodbye now to you, to our love,
And to the last day you loved me.

My analytic mind
can not define
that which is truly you.

You may take my body
break down the parts
weld them back together
but you will never find me.

I am an engine
of ever-burning fuel
I am a howling wind
unseen and out of reach.

I was not created
by any understanding on earth
and thus can not be destroyed
by anything we know.

I am finite and infinite
vulnerable and invincible
I can only be touched
by the soft hands and sharp nails
of love.