When he and I had first met
It was different.
A shared love of music, in general,
Of course,
And a dead dog, he couldn’t forget about.

We were both afraid of the walls.
Couldn’t be kept
Inside them, without
Metallic assistance.
I didn’t, and don’t.
“Keep in touch.”

A fluorescent barrage of
Bright blows to the body.
Overwhelmed, under-appreciated, and
At this point,
Unemployed.
Could you please
Allow the lights
A chance to let up,
A little?
I feel punch-drunk.

And, ultimately, exhausted,
From searching faces
For more faces.
Rapid-fire sighs, and
Ever-tired eyes.
Maybe the occasional metaphor.
“Irrelevance is an impala.
Or at least I think it is.”

He used to break up discussions,
By way of the occasional
Canine-inspired anecdote.
They kept telling him,
“It is unhealthy to want for love.”
His Honesty kept telling me
“They’re ******* wrong.”

Am I just a city boy?
In a city setting?
With city dreams? And rural motivation?
With pitchfork in hand,
And Pitchfork on screen.
Cigarette. Dangling.
Torch extinguished.
Working wonders, under no lights at all?

Well, I saw him today.
He was with two other people, both shorter than him
But all three smiling.
He seemed to have forgotten something.
You can’t bring your new dog
Into the mall.
I wasn’t going to tell
Him that.

They call me a ******
But I ain’t done nothing wrong!
I swear it –
That ain’t me no more
But ya’ll don’t care.
When I was scraping needles
From rusty banana peels
Ya’ll sent for help ‘cuz I needed it.
All red you was with so much love,
For me? Nah for your own selfish
Needs. I got some too you know.

And I guess the worst part is I believed ya’ll cared
And maybe I even fixed me for you,
But when I got out clean
I found a lot of dirt on my “friends”,
My “family”, my blood that wouldn’t bleed
For no one but themselves.

And at Thanksgiving my blood looked at me
Like I was the same old dirt.
And I realized no matter how much I cleaned
Or scrubbed away my dirt and grime
Ya’ll will never see me as anything
But what you wanna see.
‘Cuz ya’ll got ***** windows you ain’t cleaned
Still distorting your view.
And I know I ain’t perfect
But I want ya’ll to see,
I ain’t just the ****** you see in me.

MY MOTHER ALWAYS TAUGHT ME NEVER TO TOUCH DRUGS BUT THE LOVE IN YOUR BLOODSHOT EYES IS WORTH THE DISAPPOINTMENT IN HERS

Fill this empty head with your meds and send me off to bed
Tell me my story by candle light
About how my feelings are wrong, how I don't belong
But I can still fight so my body can reunite
I am crying, screaming, and bleeding
But boy I am still dreaming
I dream of being  strong
I dream that I can hold on
While you're gone.

Flashbacks
Snapshots
Of a different time
A different me
A different perception
A skewed reality
An easy deception
An ignorant little girl
Who had too much to drink
A wild little queen
Who never stopped to think
Now all she sees
Is a broken mirror
Fragments of memories
Nightmares and PTSD
Institutionalized and forcefully taken
No salvation
Only one violent revelation

The night is icky cold and skies are black
With hopeless matters filling up my skull.
The thoughts are mine alone. I can’t turn back.
The ride is fast and slow and wild and dull.

My heart stops beating by the thought of you.
I miss the way you made me feel so numb.
Alive, for sure, as well as slightly blue
But well and wild and free and young and dumb.

Yet, no more than a call away from me
I still want you to stay right where you should.
Without you, I can fly, can swim a sea.
I probably won’t, but I surely could.

So then I see a sudden ray of light.
And now I know that all will be alright.

I am an addict
Can't live without
When I stop using
I feel down and out

Did try it for a few weeks
Went into total lockdown
But after a while
I started to drown

My palms got sweaty
I started to suffocate
Couldn't breath anymore
And I lost my faith

So then I started using again
I just didn't know what I could do
So I decided to be an addict for life
Because I'm just too **** addicted to you

you say you want to help me, but its just a waste of our time.
my pain gets you paid, every few seconds is a dime.
but i could sit here for hours, just sit here and think.
its your silence, not mine, that pushes me to the brink.
i want to reach out, to scream in your face.
but somehow i feel like that isn't my place.
you sit there and smile, like i should be glad.
you don't realize its you that makes me so mad.
your legs remain crossed, like my arms over my chest.
if we could just solve one single problem, we could solve all the rest.
but we sit here unmoving, barely breathing, in anger.
if only, if only my life weren't in danger.
suddenly, a thought seeps into my head.
what if i just spoke? i wouldn't seem so dead.
so i lift up my eyes, and stare straight into yours.
this simple gesture, seemed to open up the doors.
you crash into me with a wave of questions, expecting answers and reasons.
but i cant give you them, my feelings change as quickly as the seasons.
i open my mouth to object your forthcoming, find myself telling my story.
you lean in to hear it all, details minute and details gory.
with every new sentence, i almost shout.
my new-found strength found a way to drown the pain out.
now i call you every sunday, just to make sure you're okay.
it used to be so different, i dreaded seeing you everyday.
when you have something to tell me, i listen to it all.
just like you were there for me, through the big things and the small.
i never saw it then, but its clear as day now.
you were always listening, its just that i didn't know how.
you read my eyes, when they were the only things speaking.
they absolutely betrayed me then, my story that they kept leaking.
i stood alone in my time of need, and blamed everyone but me.
nobody understood i was hurting, but just couldn't plea.
i know to appreciate everything life throws at me these days.
and i know how to deal with them in so many ways.
i look at my scars, the ones he put there in the worst ways he could.
i know i could cover them, and i wish that i would.
but i no longer wear them as an embarrassment, a badge of shame.
i know that he did it, and he's the one to blame.
i stopped taking my pills, i wanted you to know.
i want to be truly happy, i wanted something to show.
i smile on my own now, each and every day.
its because you listened, that i can finally say.
i made it to serenity, and now im really okay.

Self-inflicted distractions,
ingesting every possible stimulation the
world can afford me,
lost in peopleplacesandthings
abusing myself with every tangible
substance,
redirecting my mind away
from addiction,
but try my damnedest and still
there you are in the lyrics of a new song,
so I start to read and there
you are
in the character in my book,
turning on the TV and there you are
in the storyline,
stumbling into another man's bed and
he becomes you
when my eyes are
closed;
everywhere I run
my addiction finds me,
and sometimes I fear
I will never escape
you;
you are there
in all the places I go
in all the people I meet
in all the things I see;
I see you
I feel you
I taste you
I smell you
I hear you;
you are my five senses,
you have infiltrated my bodyheartandmind;
even without you,
you still control me,
you still catch me slipping,
my mind wandering to you
in my dreams, subconscious still stained
with your imperfect, incomplete, undeserving imprint;
in my attempts to forget you
your memory refuses to
let
    me
         g   o.

I guess
once an addict,
always.