The night is icky cold and skies are black
With hopeless matters filling up my skull.
The thoughts are mine alone. I can’t turn back.
The ride is fast and slow and wild and dull.

My heart stops beating by the thought of you.
I miss the way you made me feel so numb.
Alive, for sure, as well as slightly blue
But well and wild and free and young and dumb.

Yet, no more than a call away from me
I still want you to stay right where you should.
Without you, I can fly, can swim a sea.
I probably won’t, but I surely could.

So then I see a sudden ray of light.
And now I know that all will be alright.

I'm trying to figure out
How to spell the scare
That roots in my heart
And leaves me bare

I'd spell out your name
But it's not quite it
I'm not scared of you
I could take the hit

I could spell out your lies
Of your "I love you"s
Or spell out the names
Of the drugs you took

I could sing all the songs
About you and I
That leave me crumbling
All alone at night

But what scares me most
What I could never tell
Is how the ring still fits
Oh, so well

So I think, instead
Just to keep my pride
I'll spell out the name
That's written inside

C-A-R-O-L-I-N-E

I'd really love to say
I'd gotten over you
But some nights still
Leave me all blue

I should
Write
Because art
Is another way
Of screaming and

I want
To cry
Because winter
Is closing in
On my whole being

I can't
Stop
The time
Is moving on
Without me

I miss
The love
Not even she
Is close enough
To the memory

I am
Freezing
And it's dark
Is there time or
Is it an illusion?

I think
I'm trying
But my motivation
Is gone and
I'm going with

I try
To not
Disappear completely
Is there a choice?
Another way out?

I fade
And lose
My mind
I'm not a fighter
I can't even rhyme

I drink
I think
I should
I doubt
I am but
I will go and
I will

I will

It just feels like I'm breaking my heart
Again and again and again
But I don't know how to stop

It just feels like I'm falling in love
Again and again and again
But I don't know how to hate

It just feels like I miss you again
And again and again and again
But I don't know how to forget

It just feels like I'm losing my mind
Again and again and again
But you're gone, you're a ****, you ****** up
So *******, I love you
Again and again and forever

Most days are fine
Or as okay as they can be
I don't care much
Or I just don't think at all

But some nights
When I'm alone
These thoughts come racing by
And the restlessness comes back

Like a reminder of old days
Of darkness and confusion
Sadness and then numbs
With a blade inside my palm

I don't know why
But I do know how
Like a blender in my stomach
And a noose around my heart

Like a race inside my head
That will never stop
And a swirl behind my eyes
Though I'll never cry

I guess I'll have to cope
And learn to just get by
My spirit is mile high
And my head is in the skies

The worst is over

I hate your hair
I hate your laugh
I hate your voice
I hate your cough

I hate your questions
I hate your answers
I hate your choices
I hate your glances

I hate the way you lie
I hate the way you drink
I hate the way you smell
I hate the way you think

I hate your false assumptions
I hate your seeking attention
I hate your lack of empathy
I hate your misapprehention

I hate you for killing those kittens
I hate you for ****** your girlfriend
I hate you for hitting your sister
It needs to ******* end

I just think you should go
I don't even care to where
Just get far away
And let us all out of this fear

You answered just a little too fast.
It surprised me.
I haven't seen you in about a year,
And I am realizing I've missed you.
It surprised me.
The last time I saw you,
And the time before that,
You were intoxicated.
It surprised me.
I haven't seen you in about a year,
And I am realizing what you are to me.
It surprised me.
You are a dress without hems or seams.
I hardly know you but you are beautiful.
You are the bullet in the rotating cylinder of the gun to my head.
You dig through my skull and explode my amygdala.
And force me to love you.
You are the jam in the barrel as I pull the trigger.
I fell to the ground in realization:
You both killed me and saved me.
It surprised me.