Wailing
Swirling
Churning.
From the depths
But not yet seen.

Hands heavy.
Attention.
Here and
Gone.

Pulling me down
Jesus,
Buddha,
Connection to Source.
Pulling me down
And down.

The ground,
But deeper
The bottom of the sea
But deeper
I find
My grief.

It’s source unknown,
Just there.
Always has been.
Relics of a past before mine?

No matter.
The bottom
Salvation
From suffering.
The bottom,
The pain
the pain
the pain.
The bliss of
feeling human.

I'm jumping into new with this trampoline pad
I'm hating every poem I wrote because they were too sad
I have passion flowing through all my veins
It twists around the hurts and pains
My passion is like a river, never gonna sit
With any dam in the way, it'll jump over it
I've felt like ash from a fire just extinguished
All dreams I once had had been relinquished
Then after a final heartbreak, it sparked some emotion
A spark in the ashes, a wind now in motion
And with this sole spark, I will use my one chance to fan it
After jumping into the unknown, this time I will land it
I am a phoenix rising from the ashes, no longer defied
My heart is beating once more, but it never really died
I am no longer just a bird flying above
I am an eagle, soaring from self-love
I used to lay at the bottom of the sea, feeling entirely worthless
But now I've remembered to just swim up to the surface
I feel like a rose in a bush, used to being tricked
But for once in my life, I was happy not being picked
And I know that we're no longer looking at the stars and crying
But I'm laying there by myself, eyeing Betelgeuse and Orion
If someone looks into my life, thinking they're so smart
They'll see lots of my friendships are falling apart
I've been gossiped about, lied to, insulted, from the entirety of night to day
But for once it didn't matter, and I simply walked away.

I woke up in shadows,
The bottle beside me
Chasing the ghosts of what used to be me
Thought I found love in the haze of the night
But all that it brought was the cold empty fight
I rose from the ashes
Rebuilt my own way
No longer a puppet
Im learning to play
I’m standing alone
In the light of my truth
No longer a prisoner of dark wasted youth
With every step forward I’m more than alright
The love that I lost led me back to the light
Memories haunt me like smoke in the air
The laughter the love it’s simply not there
But I found a new strength in my solitude
Embracing the calm, I’m cleansing the rude
In the silence my heart found a song
A melody whispers
“You’re where you belong”
Im standing alone
In the light of my truth
No longer a prisoner of a dark wasted youth
With every step forward I’m more than alright
The love that I lost lead me back to the light
So here’s to the journey
To healing and grace
I found my own home in this damaged space

I don’t know what to say
I’ve never felt this bad
until the moment  
I opened the door & let you in

But one things for sure
I wish I could turn back time
So it can be like how it was before…

I hear the siren calling my name
I’ve tried to ignore it’s call many times before
This voice in my head is vicious and won’t let me forget the things I try to ignore.

I have so many questions,
but im running out of time.
Let me shed some light  as I peel off my skin cause I’m growing tired of fighting a battle i know that I’ll never win


They says it’s good to be different
better than fitting in
I’m done playing pretend on a road that leads to nowhere.
My patience is wearing thin


They say all good things take time
But I’m growing inpatient and now I’ve grown a thorn in my side

I convinced myself that I would be the one to leave
But it turns out it was him
And I prayed each night that he wouldn't go
But I've never been able to win
What happened to every good morning text you sent?
What happened to asking if I'm okay?
It's so obvious we loved each other
Then what did you mean today?
What happened to me being your favorite person?
What happened to losing sleep for me?
And if you say I did nothing wrong
I'll still believe we were never meant to be
You said there's nothing wrong with me
You just find the situation draining
But I don't wish you to be sad
And don't you think I am paining
I've found a new independence
No longer will I have to hide anymore
And yes, I'll still be sad
But it'll never be able to touch my core
So don't take pity on me
And don't see yourself as dumb
I may not reply as much anymore
But that's because I've found my own freedom

I want you to understand me
truly me
What makes me
me
What makes my muscle sore
What shakes me to my core
There is so much more to me than you will ever understand
You weren't delt this hand
no matter what I tell you
You cannot understand my struggle unless you have lived it
You cannot be the person I talk too unless you have felt Like life is not worth living
I know I have friends thats a fact I do not doubt
I don't want a friend.
I want a person that I can live life with forever.
And they will never leave me through love and sorrow.
They will want me around, not as a love but to love
The person who time stops when we're around each other.
But you can't be my oxygen and neither can I
I have to breathe the air that lies in the sky