change is the only constant
but being is open-hearted
& loving more.

i don’t want to be so
drunk
that i wake up in gun hill road.
home on new year’s day. 7 am.

for me, you can always reclaim a
sense of sanity
even in a time of chaos.

there are many things that
one
cannot reclaim.

why should i try?
if those things are gone…

did i need them in the
1st place?

self-worth comes back.
things get stolen.
for something
new.

These feelings flow inside me
Like the ebb and flow of waves
Sea levels keep on rising
As I struggle to grow as well

So constantly overflowing, overwhelmed
How can I hold it all in?
It's fire and not water that you can quell

Suddenly I'm out of breath
I'm sinking under water
Clutching at my neck -
I'm pulled deeper

Fire put out,
Lightless depths hold me closer.
My body lays in its clutches -
No will to hope at all.
All that's left is but cold embers,
No memory of a time where fires burned bright.

I open my eyes to the waters again,
Sway along with current,
Rise and fall with the tide,
Get a hang of it all,
Learn it all by hand.

But can I learn anything worth learning at all?

And I'll fail and learn from my mistakes
Try to be accountable for burdening others when I can't hold back
Waters turn turbulent, receding from my grasp,
Rising high,
Slamming its weight down, relentless,
My mind lost, struggling to find direction,
And I'm left trying to gather it all,
Water dispersed,
Pushing myself to reach out,
Rebuild the scattered pieces,
Rekindle what was snuffed out
With the little space I've scraped for it.

Where am I going with this all?

And I might be drowning,
With the enormity of that which I still struggle to grasp.
But slowly I'll learn to breathe this cold water again,
And hold on till the very end.

I used to stumble through life
My world full of strife
The thoughts inside my head
Were riddled with bloodshed
I say farewell to that person
So my mind will not worsen
I made an extreme change
It added happiness to my range
If my poems gave any indication
My depression took a forever vacation
It's hard to articulate how I feel
So I use poetry to reveal
My body positivity is hard
But I won't let it be marred
I try to be my favorite support
But I need others in my court
I put in lots of effort to be content
But sometimes I just need to vent
My outlook on my future is positive
I won't be controlled by the negative

Mammy, you’re a warrior,
You have shown such courage,
As I wrapped my arms around you, I hold back tears.
I haven’t been able to think or do too much,
I’ve been going back to when we could have helped you,

Those little death sticks must be laughing at us, they have the greatest hold, almost like a secret to never be told.

You look like yourself but I know you’re trying to break though, don’t worry mammy I do see you.

i am 28 years old
still trying to figure out
the meaning to all of this
confused on human emotion
confused on life

but

i know this familiar feeling
the feeling of being lost
of not knowing
what way is up
what way is down
what way is left
what way is 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵

this time though
my self soothing is not working
not like how it use to atleast

i am not panicking
i am not jumping ship
i am not escaping
all like i normally would
in my past

no

this time is different
this time is 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵

I will never
hide
my story.
perhaps
a warning,
or a precaution of what not
to do.
but frankly,
I wouldn’t change much.
It really did make me stronger.
allowed me more empathy,
let me see
into a little
bit of horror
others go through.

don’t you dare
judge scars,
be grateful
you’ve been
trusted
with their
story.

I am a candle
burning past hurts
craving new air
reaching to the sky
leaving a mark

I am stronger than my scars
wiser than my mistakes
more capable than my
insecurities

I can only be me
I will only burn


© 2025 Joan Zaruba. All rights reserved.