I live on a poison called privilege
First fed to me at my birth
To white, middle-class, educated parents
Who have worked so hard to keep me
Safe and happy
I have been fed this poison
For many years
And over time
I have grown ashamed of it

I feel guilty
For what I am
My pale skin dripping
With idiotic power
Fed to me
On a silver spoon
I feel guilty
Of my smooth road
Feeling awful
For those who have to walk
Different roads

But I am too weak
For a harsher road
So many people are out there
With strong character
Willpower
Motivation
Work ethic
And I have yet to grow in these areas
I do not fare well outside of my comfort zone
And so I continue to take this elixir
That weakens me
And keeps me alive

I watch this poison spread
From the mouths of others
Who have taken it
Hurting those
Who have not tasted this poison
More than
The poison hurts those
Who drink it regularly
I watch this poison
Cut down people's lives
Simply due to a difference in melanin
Or family
Or identity
Or any of a numerous amount of factors

I guess the best I can do
Is resist the toxins
And keep going
Try and make a difference
Try and find an antidote
Try and help those who need it
And be grateful
For the gift of this poison

I forcefeed my body a poison in the name of peace
When it coughs and begs please don’t  
I hold my hands over its crying mouth and say just one more
The sweet aroma only I can smell when it’s been so long
My lungs cry at this smell
The putrid tears of tar seep into my stomach
It moans a low growl and gurgles it’s insults at me these slurs
              slide
                      down
                               these tubes of mine whispering
over one another as if those  tar teardrops had turned into small souls clawing at me until their grave
My soul lying at the bottom becoming darker and darker

Elusive thoughts and dreams,
Permeant to the mind.
Merely phasing through the realities of my soul.
I loved the sickness of the mind,
A dark murky cloud of an unpredictable storm.
Pushing through the phases of that empty vastness,
Drowning in a swirling mix of confusion,
Spreading like a poison throughout the veins of a twisting,
Winding,
Painful injection upon the skin.
Living through the soreness of a long familiar ache,
Yearning for a peace that never quite settled.