This is me… before me. Before I learned of the secret rules, before I broke them, and my self confidence payed the price. Before my self love was stronger than my self hate. Before I started to appreciate complements and stopped obsessing over every negative comment that spilled off tongues of those who never mattered. Before I learned the power of the word “No”. Before the boys from fairy tails blossomed into the villains I grew up watching in superhero movies and fought , but lost too, in video games.

Before I realized I had control of the names I was called. That ***** and **** didn’t define me, if I never even let them past the walls I was going to build around myself. Before I realized “friend” was not a term to be thrown around, that friends don’t throw your feelings around, that friends don’t break down your walls only to throw bullets at your heart. Then leave you alone to build yourself back up. brick by dull brick.

Before my future became the light at the end of the tunnel. That determination was the spark that changed me from wanting to be a girl from a fairy tail, into the woman in the poetry I drowned myself in. The ones who fought for the sexes to be equal and the world to be right. The woman who couldn’t sleep at night, kept up by the injustices that plagued the world she lived in.

Now I know I have a choice, Now I know I have a Voice.

There was nothing like a holiday to make me feel  alone .

I watched her move with the music she seemed anything but alone .

They say honey draws bee's and **** does flies well here tonight in this bar you had a good mix of both.


She moved shook her *** every eye was on her .

From the ones that yearned to know that body to the women who just shook there heads and under there breath whispered what a *****.

How marvelous she was underneath dimmed lights me I just watched and sipped a overpriced drink .

Hank was behind the bar for some reason he always found time to speak with me .

I have no idea why I truly didn't care for people I just was in need of a drink and didn't have anything at home.

Man some looker over there huh buddy?

Yeah she's got a magnificent *** doesn't she ?

Yeah little big though for me Jack .


Never been one invented to big for me .

Hank laughed yeah that's true hell and never one to loose either.

What can I say Hank I'm a man of low standards and easily Impressed therefore I'm seldom disappointed .


Your one crazy ******* you know that ?

Hell I never forget that hank how bout a refill my man and by are entertainment a drink on me .

Hank went to fetch my Jack and coke and give the girl with the nice *** a drink although I doubted she needed one from me seems every guy in this place was buying her drinks and from her looks I understood why .


I looked around the room the usual's were all there and a few new faces I didn't truly care I was to them the odd ball drunken writer what a rare spices that is indeed .

Almost as rare as a fireman who smokes or is bat **** crazy .

When there's no fire to put out the nut would light something on fire just to have something to put out guess we all need a purpose and me I just need another drink.


The jukebox just kept playing the right kind of music and she kept in perfect time with the beat .

Rhythm  is always in the hips it flowed from there and took over it was some perfectly strange and beautiful  voodoo to watch.


The pool players missed shots and the place seemed almost alive.

Eventually a fight would break out now that was some entertainment .

I sipped my other drink hank was a good barkeep and total **** at mixing drinks

he started watering them down bout the third real drunks always notice .


**** Hank why not just give me all coke!

Make it a double always in mine you ******.

Hey Jack sorry must have been distracted.

Well stop staring at Larry's *** hasn't he told you he don't swing that way anymore since college.

Larry who was bent over the table making a shot just laughed .

**** man I never went to college Larry replied.


Yeah your right it must have been prison I knew I recognized you from somewhere .

The room busted up laughing ******* Jack .

Larry said laughing .


The room was alive the ***** was flowing .

Tommy walked up to me man you see that that chick dancing man.

I got two eyes don't I Tommy?

Well I been talking to her man I bet you fifty bucks she going home with me tonight.


Oh yeah Tommy she cant resist you huh?

**** man who could?

Been buying here drinks all night I can tell she wants it you see

the way she was rubbing up against me that last song .


Well you must have done something Tommy in fact seems you really worked her up .

What the hell you talking bout Jack ?

Tommy asked me as that goofy as expression was yet again upon his face.

Tommy was a arrogant *** in every sense he thought he was hot **** and when you took the hot part out of that statement you had his more true essence.


For as Tommy was facing me bragging I had been watching that little brunette the whole time.



Well Tommy I said , it seems that girl you danced with was so worked up she just couldn't wait for your return.

I don't get what you mean Jack.
Look I nodded my head he turned to view what  would in his mind be his latest conquest  making out with another woman .


I herd him say what the **** .

I took another sip of my watered down drink .

So Tommy I asked as I patted him on the shoulder .

Still want to take that bet?


And another night bit the dust .

Stay crazy


Gonz

I had received dozens of rejection letters most I can imagine the reactions these ******* yuppie ******* reading were thinking while saying to themselves .
Jesus ******* Christ I'm glad this guy doesn't live near by.

They hated writers yet they made there living off them .
Much like teachers except with a far better income and much better high dollar vices .

I worked my *** off they sat on there's and decided what was in .
I still read them trying to maintain my buzz and not slip into a coma
from the ******* they deemed worthy.

I was on my second drink when the I read the words yet still like seeing a car accident in front of your very own eyes I could not believe what the **** I was reading .

It wasn't so much the article it was who was in it.
I had been writing long enough to learn one thing try your best to avoid
other so called writers .

And there he was  quoted with a fake ******* age was a ******* who was neither a writer or in my thoughts anything more than a pile of dog **** by the highway .

I don't need to mention his name hell being mentioned in any forum was more ego stroking than the ******* deserved.
But it was then I truly knew the New Yorker had went from high class rag to street level ***** selling her *** to anyone with the change .

Old ******* was there about twelve years younger and in his full out of his gourd glory.
I can imagine the interview one soulless **** stain talking to another .
Speaking on something he could not even do himself .
******* write!

I was a drunk a ******* who ran his mouth and dared anyone to try to shut it.
I was a lot of things but no matter how others viewed me I was always
a writer .

I lived it, Breathed it  paid my dues fifteen times over .
Yeah it bit my *** to see a overrated wind bag featured in a rag truly great writers had struggled  to be published in.

It showed you the great decline the social media madness great writing was no longer a requirement skill wasn't needed either .
It was all superficial ******* smoke and mirrors and a nice *** .

I took another drink picked up the revolver stuck it to my head
pulled the trigger .
Nothing this time!
Looks like id live another day.

I'd love to sit at table over a few drinks play a relaxing game of Russian roulette with the ******* I'm writing about.
I wonder would he speak so boldly in front of another man
or simply **** his pants and cry like a modern  overrated
so called artist.

Yeah I was passionate with my hate .
I was anything but a modern writer and anyone sitting across
from me better dam sure know I didn't play games .

Well least not any that were safe .

I stopped reading the article when a friend called .
Hey you read that article on you know who?
Yeah I replied just finished it.

What did you think?
Well least when you run out of toilet paper you got something to wide your *** with .

My friend laughed .
You know your not right they said still laughing.
Yeah I said looking at the gun still on the table.

You truly don't have a clue.

Pain,
should be
the abstract of love.
Yet, not is true in nature.
The very existence of one,
is the very creation of the other.

We met by chance.
We chatted.
We became virtual friends.
We become good virtual friends.
We remembered each other likes.
We learnt from each other.
We inspired each other.
We read each other's thoughts being anon.
We spoke a little in person and much online.
We feared of eye contact in public.
We thought 10 times to make a phone call.
We argued sometimes.

We chose a different path.
We chatted once in a blue moon.
We wrote mail, 2 times a year, on each other's birthday.

We lost contacts.
We are strangers now.

We still hope and want the other shall be doing great and being happy.

Friendship,  virtual friendship.

The Day I find you is peace

My heart will circulate with Joy

So much for sorrow and Chalice

That keeps me from being played like a Toy

I feel childish whenever you stare at me

your tall frame compliments mine as we both smile

I feel a sense of pride, your aura is a family

to the secret lily your rose made from a mile.

The ribs God broke out of me fits in you so well

and your hands never tire of letting me hold them .