i have lain here
for nights on end
trying to make sense of the stars

mama never did teach
me how to read
the patterns in the skies,
what reason did i have
to look up
when the fairy lights
we hung
were so pretty
if i wanted constellations
i could take a pen
and map out the spots
on my skin

mama never did teach
me how to dream,
what need could there be
when hers were already
big enough for
the both of us
to share
i could look up
and count the stars
in her night skies
and never worry about
my own

mama never did teach
me how to walk
tall, keep my back up
straight, with her chin
raised high she
looked right past
my crooked posture
and in to
her future,
i stood straight
in her visions,
it was all she needed
to see

i think she gave it
her best
i think she gave her
self better
and i’m still trying to make
sense of the stars
unsure of whose they are
anymore

-

[Note : i am flushed with heartbeats,
fast panic breaths
and thought.
i have overwhelming stream of ideas]



...it’s ridden through in our flooded veins

it’s furnishing our museums

  it’s marred out on parchment

     it’s mated together in privacy


      [Note : i tighten my eyes closed for relief]


     forbidden

      persecuted

     tried and executed

    preserved in wetland peat

   it can be called out

without the feed of the moon

without the woe of the ocean


 [Note : i clamp my hands over my ears]


senses

census

pleasured

genetically vetted

it can be rutted out

  falling **** through the generations

    the speed of the molecule

   or flitted across our grid electrically

    microscope

     magnet

     telescope

      prism

      morse distressed

     music

    pressed

   repressed

  and invested against

through historical text

it’s collected in your visage

and yawned back at you

  off of your morning mirror

   it’s in your needings

    your trolling of prayers and personalities

     and the breaking of your vocal jockery

    
     [Note : i dry gag and go silent]


     information is energy

    not erased

  but converted...

   ...and then nothingness

    an unwearable yelling void

     expanding pressure-less

      precipice

       rapid

     the immense feeling

    of feeling nothing

   the code/no-code

  the necessary ill behind the facade

of the purpose currency


[Note : my thoughts slow,
i note my breath
and my heart]

I've tried to understand myself, the what, the where, the WHY?

The more I look inside myself, the more I want to cry.

My souls been searched a thousand times and still I ask the question, who am I?

I sometimes think I've cracked it, got the secret, changed my mind. But it's all gone in a blink of an eye, I've ruined things again...Who am I?

No longer can I scream and shout because I've started to just sigh. This never ending question plays on, who am I?

I look to others for validation, or run away from their judging eyes. I'm not sure they can tell me, who am I?

In a day I'll have the answer, in a week I'll kiss it goodbye, in a month I'm going faster, in a year...Who am I?

And I've tried to understand myself, the what, the where, the WHY...But can I ask you a question? Who am I?

Nebulize
The twinkle in your eye
Passed galaxies beyond our blazing sun
Realize
The ball you walk upon
Is suspended in a sea of nothingness
But you still exist, nonetheless

Gaze into my windows
Infinitely vast and small
The universe crescendos
My soul singing along

Immobilized
Between the atoms and the stars
The awe inspiring grandeur of the span
Seems so nice
Beneath the Milky Way scar
Reminding me of who I am and how I'm just a man

As if it were, a breath of air
My life a grain of sand
Infinity made room for me
To have and hold your hand

Will you sing with me?
Our hearts a harmony
The aurora dances in the clouds
Colors of the entire world
Our souls spilling into sound

An abundance of
people. And yet I found
you. A laugh so free and
sincere. A smile that lights up my
world. Life with you has been filled with
joy. Problems and stress disappear when I am with
you. Oh, how the world would have been so so
different. Without you in it, my life would surely be worse
off. Because you, you make the world glow with your
light. You radiate an energy that always seems to
ignite. You brighten up my day, every day,
love. Thank you, for always being with
me. For making the bad days
better. For being who you
are. For everything, thank
you.