“You are worthless!”
Somebody close to me said.
“Not worth a ****!”
It was somebody in my head.
“Never have been.”
The ******* went right on
“And never will be.”
It never has been gone.

My entire life
These words have been there.
I have tried hard
To act like I don’t even care.
But they hurt me
Took joy from all I try to do
And bring me down
Because I fear they are true.

I have tried hard
To prove that I do have worth,
I’m not, nor have I ever
Been the **** of the earth.
I have worked hard
To make my way among men,
When I start to believe,
The chanting starts over again.

Something in me
A different kinder sort of a voice
Gently urges me
To accept that I have a choice.
It softly tells me
That early on I was damaged
And I must accept
My self-confidence was savaged.

So, slowly changes
Come about in what I am feeling
And I see more
Of what cards fate is dealing.
I changed people
That I let into my life today.
I let the past go
And let those voices go away.

Spring sneaks by the door to the ghetto.
That's okay, they can't afford the seed.
Trees take too much room from the rentals.
No one saw the end of ghetto weeds.

Ghetto weeds once grew up sudden.
They took the food of those in bloom.
Ghetto weeds we're awful sorry,
But we haven't got the room.

Yesterday a man sold his garden
Bragging how he made such a deal.
Bought himself a high-rise apartment.
Who can tell the fruit by the peel?

Ghetto weeds once grew up sudden.
They took the food of those in bloom.
Ghetto weeds we're awful sorry,
But we haven't got the room.

What about the children of the ghetto,
Do they have the playgrounds they need?
Have you seen the children how they're growing?
Don't they shoot up just like a ****?

Ghetto weeds once grew up sudden.
They took the food of those in bloom.
Ghetto weeds we're awful sorry,
But we haven't got the room.

You didn’t teach me
How to succeed without ambition
How to live without approval
How to survive in this condition
How to hold my head up high
How to run when I could barely walk
How to value the me others hate
How to survive all the painful talk.

You didn’t teach me
How to keep my heart healthy and whole
How to tell the truth hidden in lies
How to find the spark inside my soul
How to be proud listening to taunts
How to look upon hatred as sickness
How to sing songs of praise of others
How to selflessly, and lovingly bear witness.

You didn’t teach me
How to value the people who love me as me
How to enjoy people of a different color
How to appreciate all the different nationalities
How to bounce back from the blows of life
How to learn from the work any that I do
How to love my life and cherish all of it,
Because loving me never came from you.

Hush little baby
Stop crying now
Mama’s well trained
I will show you how.
Lock your feelings up inside
Don’t let them out until you’ve died.

Stop little baby
Don’t you feel!
Keep your soul
In a heart of steel.
Promise Mama that you won’t.
Love breaks everyone’s heart if you don’t.

Sleep little baby
That does the trick
Crying all day
Can make you sick.
Nobody like a kid who cries
No one will come to sing you lullabies.

Good little baby
Never says a word.
Quietest baby
I have ever heard.
No one would ever guess
That inside you are a mental mess.

Hush little baby
Stop crying now
Mama’s well trained
I will show you how.
Lock your feelings up inside
Don’t let them out until you’ve died.

This is the last ******* time
I rent you space in my head
I've written about you so much
When I'm done I'm like.... Again

This dudes annoying me, get over
It, she's a *****, what can you do
I never asked for child support all
I wanted was our son to know u

But maybe it's better he doesn't
But it breaks my heart that aches
When his preschool made crafts
On ur dead beat Mother's Day

And he had to make one for nana
And asked me where u were
And now I finally get why some parents say, the dead beat ****

That isn't around had died
Cause I rather that than the other,
Which is tell our beautiful son that
The truth,narcissists can't be mothers

So *******, and this will be the
Very last ****** time
I waste a thought , or a tear drop
On your heartless ***, but I

Still hold pity for you!... Why?
Because I know what you don't
That regret can evolve when u let
Important things left, so I hope

I can hold in the joy, when the day
Comes and your blind *** sees
That our child, your flesh and blood
Has a value, your drugs can reach

A life you made, that you trade
So you can run away but one day
All the pain you left me with will
Find you ***** and it'll eat away

At whatever's left of your soul
Whatever's left of your neurotic
Selfish, ****** up, drugged up heart so black, I reverse oscars, and boycott it

So when psychosomatic Psychotic
Psychosis sets in
And you feel sorry for yourself and
All the time you wasted with him

I will tell him. To make sure he takes
What time is left with u and not
Say what I want to which is, let her
Live knowing, the cost of what's lost

Is being a deadbeat. But sought
Will be knowing if I did
That would encourage the son I love
To lose out so I sacrifice for my kid

Something u know nothing about
And probably never will
But 4 years have gone by so fast
Soon the futures the past and filled

Will be your blinded eyes
Full of consequence disguised
As poor u, self pity, ****** cries
Just like the cries our son cried

As I learn to handle a four month
Old baby boy, but hey .. I did
And you'll never know why sacrifice
And a selfless life fills the void which

We use to try and fill with ****,
Parties drugs raves all the ****
That lead us deeper into the darkness
We thought we escaped and hid

10 years of living for only us
Temptation, inebriation lust
Feeling numb cause sobriety
Brings anxiety in society full of

People who grew the **** up
Responsibility. Purpose stability
The knowledge that pretentious
Isn't being clean, so tranquility

Is real when it's felt rather than
The induced, bile filled puke
That's only half as vile as you
And if you ever see me smile *** u

Is what's meant, as I see now
Why we had to part ways it's sad
You were scared to grow up and that
Will catch up with you but a dad

Was just a scary . Trust me I was
Terrified.. Emasculated embarrassed
The years we spent that i cherished
We're all spent high so apparent

is how sobering up left transparent
Facts that say I didn't know
Who I really was, expect for the one
I was when sedated and I know

Now that there's a difference
In the way your emotions process
And now I maybe who we said we'd never be, cubical Steve at the office

9-5 and ya I get it, got it,
I'm exactly what u hate I know
But one day everything u aren't is
What you will be, but *** this poem

**** the nostalgia the reminiscing
See..... I always end up lost
Cause admittingly I can't get over it
When your eyes stare at me off

The face of our son, the ****** expressions the stubborn head its
All you that I see sitting across of me
And thank u for him, so like u left

Us, I will attempt to leave u
Abandoned in this coffin poem
And hope it doesn't follow me back
Like a horror movie villain to a home

I built without u, stop thinking bout u
It's easier to say
Than it is to do, so with a *** u
I mask the pain the scars gave

To remind me what's behind me
So on the day regrets blinding
This pain will be yours cause karmas
Tour can move slowly but finding

Who it's meant to, means it'll get u
So goodbye dead beat goodbye
I hope u drown in the tears u cry
When u see what u trade to be high

The little boy who wasn’t there
Has playground dust all in his hair
Some other kids are gathered around
When he tries to rise, they knock him down.

The little boy who wasn’t there
Has no defenders anywhere
He doesn’t cry out, doesn’t speak
He knows the others think him weak.

The little boy who wasn’t there
Acted sad but nobody cared.
School blamed both boys in a fight
Did not find out who was right.

The little boy walks home alone
But nowhere is a safety zone.
They catch him just a block away
They call him ***, they call him gay.

The little boy can’t tell his Ma.
She’ll beat him and then tell his Pa.
They’ll both look at him like a freak.
Two more times he mustn’t speak.

The little boy goes to his room
And listens to the voice of doom.
Depression has become his friend.
He only wants this all to end.

How do you sleep at night
With so much hate?
You can still fix yourself.
It’s not too late.
Wake up and love people
For who they are.
First you must love yourself.
That heals the scars.

Hate generates much more hate.
It’s a vicious circle you’re in.
Someone upsets you too much
And the cycle will begin.
You lash out at them with hate
Instead of asking why.
Then they lash back at you
Neither of you even try.

Probably all the anger you feel
Has nothing to do with them.
Can’t you see it’s something else?
The chances are very dim.
You don’t want to talk about the thing
That makes you stay ******.
So, the way to fix yourself correctly
Forever gets totally missed.

How do you sleep at night
With so much hate?
You can still fix yourself.
It’s not too late.
Wake up and love people
For who they are.
First you must love yourself.
That heals the scars.

His toy split my toe nail.
My crimson flirted carpet.

and;

He’d the arm of a major.
Where I’d the skin of the solemn.

but;

He’d ever by my son.
I’d ever be his father.

and;

“Bravery’d” be our name,
“Bravery’d” be our name.

I can't write out what I really mean to say
All I can bring myself to do is cry and cry
Until I am breathless.

And I am ashamed of what I have done
I hold the most regret in my heart and feel the pain of my choice every single day

I wonder what you would look like
And what you would laugh like
And of what color your eyes and hair would be

And I just don't understand how I could ever be forgiven.

I wish so desperately I could go back and choose differently.
I become so angry now when I hear women and men talk about abortion
I want to scream and cry until I am drained.
I hold my stomach and wish I hadn't been so selfish

I wish I could hold you, every minute, every day
I wish I had you sleeping beside me with a sister you would have loved so dearly
And she would have loved you more than anything.
She would have protected you... Which is what I should have done.

It's been a year and a half. You would have been one soon.
Maybe walking by now.
I wonder if you still grew, with God up in heaven with all of the other millions of children who should have been here.
I wonder if you can see me and my tears.

You still consume my thoughts
As if you made your bed there and are forever sleeping..

I will never make peace with the decision I made.

Microfleece nighties and cottony socks,
Squeezable soft like a carnival teddy bear.
Rituals of the night we perform,
Brush, brush, your silken hair.
Brush, brush, your milky teeth.
Kiss, kiss, your tender cheeks,
Hug, hug, you tiny squeeze.
Breathe in the intoxicating scent of your sleepy innocence,
Shampoo and skin, breathe in, breathe in.
Lights out, door ajar.
Sweet dreams, my angel.

1/17/2016