It's hard to focus
When the fan blows hot trash smell
Through the apartment

I think I’m going to see you
everywhere that I go,

because my brain is already
picturing your hands
on the window shop mannequins
I’m passing by on this city street

and I begin to wonder if they are a perfectly delicate match to mine
when held up in comparison

so you placed your right thumb
on top of my left
and we found two similar beauty marks
mirroring with each other

maybe it shows the pinpoint
of where we met in another life

it's weird meeting with people
who actually loved you
after months have passed
this love that once strived to be permanent
like conquering mountains
but i shed it like snakeskin
forever is way too hard
when you're too selfish to love people back
always chose myself
did you know your feelings
were the greatest gift i've ever known?

i thought if i arrived here early
and gave you no set time
i would have a bit of the morning to myself
but you were already around the corner
i knew you would be
i know you well, too

i didn't let us go deep this rainy morning
we should only go forward from here
not backwards
we talk
hell, we live in small talk
i say i thrive in summer
you talk about the snow
not much has changed
and somehow weather preferences
felt like the biggest incompatibility then
the most mundane of compromises

didn't run to my own defenses
or fall to your knees apologizing
didn't tell you if i pray or who i've slept with
or that i spent the last three days
crying on the jumpseat
we talk about the coffee shop
i just came here to create a new memory
stub out everything that was
like a stale cigarette
see? i haven't changed that much

instead i say i'm tired of sitting in the back of the plane
as people probe and poke my sides like an insect
asking for coffee with five packets of splenda
i say new york is a drag most days
i am lonely
i wonder if i'm pregnant
it's the only reason i stopped binge drinking
i woke up and wasn't hungover
thank god
i wouldn't admit that i miss the noise
of dry heaving over a toilet bowl

you didn't pay for my coffee
or pour your soul out
or drive me home
you say you leave today
you don't even say you came here for me
because you are just as free to be
so i nod and begin putting my headphones on
before even saying goodbye
i leave the conversation abruptly
ending on a note about
how many cape verdeans
live in boston
i grab my bouquet of sunflowers
slip away into the brooklyn fog
i was gone before you knew it
all the effort you put to be here
with me today
for me to walk out the door
reminiscent of what i did to you then
on a smaller scale

you say "until next time"
but you know i'll slip through the cracks
like i do
predictable me
and even when you find me
i'll be on the run

6/5/2017

sinking into the white blur of my sheets
wondering if this courage is fleeting already
i was so brave sunday morning
to finally let go
secretly hoping if you can't reach me easily
perhaps you'll find a way
if it means enough to you
you'll float by
and toss a rock at my window on the sixth floor
of my nyc apartment
i don't need that

for the first time i laughed in manhattan today
the first time in awhile to breathe
the skies looked cold and harsh
but it is undoubtedly summer
"the best summer of life," you'd say
with you i felt doubt
in my pursed lips
holding my tongue with all the words
i'll only write down
it still has a chance to be

vanessa and i held onto the hours
to process and reminisce
when we were once students in a room full of books
you
working on your latest project
i remember the tie around your neck
the suit jacket you put around my shoulders
still thinking the same thought then as i do now:
one day it won't hurt and i'll hold my head high
as i unravel
become undone
become who i was meant to be
not thinking of you and a bottle of bacardi
with polaroids and pictures
burned to the ground
this fortress we built on unstable foundations

remembering
your body pulsing against mine
rest my head on your chest and laugh
your sheets
walk me out the door with no clothes on
before i say goodbye for good

this is day two of a life without you
a second go
if you want to make time
you'll see to it
today i will not let my emotions take precedence
over the rational decision to leave
stronger, baby

5/24/17



our bodies are rhythmic
i could tell
you wanted it
we won't call it anything
but we could stop
but it's not easy
is it more painful to not have you
or is it more painful to have you
knowing you can share that rhythm
with someone who isn't me
the girl that's always
puts me at second
which is more of a compliment
reality says i'm better seated at fifth, or sixth
and you make me your universe for one night
and more nights after
and turn around
and turn against me
with lovely words and a grain of confidence
it's so painful
that you fill spaces in my body that perfectly match
but never settle in my heart
and we never did
the thrill of addiction
sugarcoat it so not to cheapen
this abstract love
where you make the rules
but you also give me a way out
it's not like i have to stay here
but i'd move away
from how crazy i'd be
not *******, not loving
i wait for the day you say
"you're beautiful"
even if it's not the beauty
you swear you're gonna find
in someone that isn't me
one day
it's pathetic

forget that i never even asked
to be apart of a narrative
that's supposed to make us feel good
or that i never asked
to redeem a life with you
that's been dead to me
long enough to forget the distance
you placed
and decided on your terms to come back
only for me to be haunted by the day i wept
in a public place for you
and in your car
and for hours in the dark of my living room
with a drink in my hand
you're the only one
who expects for things to be emotional
without the actual emotion
for things to be physical
without degrading it to be only physical
forget that you get to respond
when you want to
forget that you get to **** me
when you like
forget that I'm always bending to your parameters
your rules
your definition of "friendship"
the *** may have been consensual
but it doesn't feel like it
you don't want us to forget our time
bur "it's so special"'
how can we give up
without getting away from each other
altogether?
we can't

4/30/2017


is it talent and accomplishments
or character and value?
for all my wrongs, you're still constant
from city to city, i'd like to be where you are
part of me believes you'd like that too
back to the days of shared sheets
your hazel eyes
i'd love each freckle as if they made up each constellation we named once
maybe the real me is riveting and dying for life
waiting for the day for someone like you
to have your hands around me

We have our dark days
Our stormy hours
Our bad minutes
But our love is power
Its the compromise
And the want to stay
When the love is real
Why not embrace a delay
No relationship is perfect
We argue
we fight
But just giving up so easy that won't make it right
at end of the day
I love you
So I'm gonna make it right
God put you in my life for a Reason


you are my Light

8th avenue ***
**** out on ground crankin one
Thanks de Blasio