Behind my okay’s are a thousand  lies
They say okay is a common lie
But what if your also lying to yourself
When do you say enough is enough

Behind my okay’s are the tears
I shed in the dead of night
When I use all my strength
But still just can’t fight

Behind my okay’s are the words
That you said, all the judgements
Saying I’m a Freak, saying
I don’t deserve what I seek

Behind my okay’s
I am broken

How can you be you?
When nobody wants you.
How can you live in true?
When everybody thinks everything about you is untrue.
How can everything be okay?
When everything is in grey.

I haven’t been feeling good.
It’s not because a person or situation though
It’s just me.
So after manic episodes and sobbing loads
I go to the hospital
I go once, twice, three times
By the third I’ve given up and scream for help
But with no such luck
So they give me more meds
Say I’ll be fine
But how am I fine if I’m numb inside?

today felt like I was a zombie walking through a ghost town
..broken..dreary..numb..
interally and externally
i'm officially not okay anymore

My second self is explicit
Her bad thoughts are submissive
She always comes around
For unexpected visits
Breaking the limits in minutes
Suspicious and vicious sounds
A beat that's beating me down
Concepts that confound
I hold my ground and insist
This clever stalker persists
She turns then twists & grinds
How can I fight the beast
That hides inside my mind?

Post traumatic, I can still feel the panic
Attacks in my visions, contained in my attic
Constant pressure, can't control my intentions
How can I be so impatient?
Losing the base of my basement.
I cannot breathe under water
The heavy weights dragging further
Should I still hope for the better
After all that has happened?
Look at the damage I've caused
I'm making everything worse
This dark force is taking over, I'm lost
I miss the person I was.

My thoughts, sinking in Hades realm
Reaching the bottom, I'm under pressure
Don't surrender, I whisper to myself
Afraid of my obsessions taking over
If silence interferes with judgment
My sanctuary risks exposure
If you could only see my reality in action
The shifting ground, the constant noises
The voices chanting hate
The shadows that haunt the light
Looting oxygen and faith
And yet I still have a bit of strength
Hanging in there and here waiting
For better days to come.