He's right

I've got too much baggage
I'm too ****** up
I'm disgusting
I told everyone it doesn't effect me but it does.

He told me everything I've ever hated about myself,
from day one,
I've thought, I've said
all of these things.

It's really no surprise to me.
Maybe he's just the only one that could be honest.
Everyone was else was just too scared.

Everyone who knows me, agrees with him silently
but tells me it's okay
that everyone deserves love
but it's hard for me to think that way.

I will never inflict myself on anyone ever again.
I'll keep people close, but not too close
mere acquaintances or friends

I'll hide my true self deep inside
until the very end.

Nope not better than Poe
try as I may not to mope
I don't even compare....
I might be a bishop but he's
definitely the Pope

I can't write
I actually physically can't
OK
OK how about, something with flowers
Not like that's been done 1000000000 times
I swear to god anymore similes and I will

punch

my

own

esophagus

This is terrible
OK ummm
Fish tanks?
Fish tanks aren't all that poetic
I can't think of anything
I think I'm dried up
Like an empty...
Fish tank
******
Wait a minute
What if I just write something about
Not knowing what to write
That would be easy
It also explains why this *****
******

they say there ain't rhythm
they say it don't rhyme
but people get famous off that kinda ****
all the ****
day

ugh i do not have the time for this
the will for this
the decency for this
not now
im too tired
of all this *******
this sadness
bleakness
the never-ending existential crisis
dont text me now
i wont answer
i dont want another spiral
into the darkness
well…
maybe i shouldnt call it
“the darkness”
thats cliche and stupid
lets call it
“the creepy basement youve always been secretly afraid of thats inside your head”
or maybe
“the space under your bed that you just cant block or cover up no matter what you do”
yeah
thats much better
way more descriptive than
“the darkness”
but i dont want any more of that tonight
so dont be mad when i dont answer

...sorry
i just
cant do it tonight

I don't feel lust or admiration
I feel the weight of the past on my heels like I'm Achilles
who am I to decide when the sun should shine and when I should go?
It's taken me years to grow this measly inch, I wonder if I'll ever be able to stand up straight without my ego hitting the ceiling
I'm laying in a bed that's a bit more familiar now trying
to remind myself to stop making it about everybody else
this is me, here now, breathing polluted air and attempting
to turn my saliva into something a little more meaningful
I don't deserve credit, it's what all humans do
I find myself in junkyards often
I walk among the trash and kick cans and find rusted
cars that stopped running years ago unlike you and I
and our pasts filled with scenes of both of us sprinting full speed
we can only talk through our body language which is
why we find ourselves hating each other as often as we do
life would be easier if I picked up two of those cans
and put a month long string through it in order to
have a one on one conversation
I don't know myself
I need to leave this city and start over
because every few months I say the same things
my only ******* emotion is jealousy--
I'm jealous of you for living a life that
didn't once involve me. I want to do that too.

There is a level between friends and dating
The median is a confusing area
You both like each other and you act like you're dating
But you aren't
From what I've discovered it's exactly like dating but without the title
"Talking" to more than more than one person would be bad
But you aren't dating
You get them gifts and maybe even say you love them
But it's just talking
It's like a trial run for the relationship
Because going ahead and having a relationship would be too much

nothing matters doesn't matter

just drag your brush across the canvas
                                    (violently)
don't put any feeling into it. you are
an animal

incapable of reason

rip thru crepe skin
   fix your eyes on the gashes

and watch blood drain out

Nerves are running wild,
my breath is slightly hitched.
Anxiety's creeping up on me,
I can barely think.

Afraid of disappointment.
Afraid to disappoint.
One step before the other,
prepared for someone new.

He charms me with a smile,
then extends a hand.
My palms are getting clammy,
and my pulse is racing too.

The breeze flows in from the door,
the sun is shining bright.
Currawong's singing in the trees,
With the aroma of bitter coffee.

We breeze through introductions,
sit and chat for a while.
There I thought it was going well,
until he developed a temper.

With no good reason he seemed to snap,
started causing a scene.
Sinked so low into my chair,
of course this happened to me.

Some time passed, he calmed himself,
but i think i'd made my decision.
got to the end and he turned to me,
"We should do this again".

"I don't think this is going to work",
I said sorry then took my leave.